To think that relationships in your 30s don't need to be super long before deciding whether to get married?

[strivingtosucceed]

I'm early 30s and have been in a relationship for 5 months with a friend i've known for 3 years prior. We met through mutual friends, but I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. In the meantime, we struck up a good friendship and he became one of my closest friends. He expressed interest sometime last year and we've been together since then.

Now we're considering getting married later this year (probably around November) and will probably be moving in together around this period, though he spends half his time at my place already. He isn't british, so there are visas and applications to worry about, but we'll get to that bridge closer to the time.

The few people i've told have mostly expressed concern about the speed we are moving at, though some are very excited for me. They think we're not taking enough time to get to know each other romantically and are skipping some steps. I think getting to know him as a friend first has cut out a lot of the "introduction time" and has allowed us to focus on the more practical things like where we're going to live, when we want to have kids, finances, long term goals, parenting styles etc

So i'd like to know what you guys think?
YABU - yes, you're moving too fast, slow down and smell the roses
YANBU - older relationships don't need years before deciding to tie the knot.

I can understand that. In which case I would definitely take longer. Your perception is skewed because you desire a baby and that's a very strong desire once it hits. He may be a wonderful husband and dad, and its probably going to be ok but waiting a year or two is nothing compared to having a miserable time raising a child.
Have a think about whether you love this man or the idea of having a family with him. It gets very difficult once the children are out the picture and you find out you have nothing in common aside from kids and religion.
If you're worried, freeze your eggs. Cheaper than a divorce.

Plenty of people live together and learn not one important lesson from it. In fact, for plenty of people it just sinks them deeper into the relationship in an uncritical way. It's probably a good idea, but it's not a cure-all.

You sound like you have thought this through. You're asking him good questions and looking critically at his behaviour. Learn from what you see him do.

There are no guarantees, no matter what you do. But there's lots you can find out if you listen carefully and thoughtfully.

I don't think you'll get a clear yes or no from this thread then OP.
Many posters on here would never countenance marrying someone without living with them first. That's when you really know them. Many of the key questions about what makes a good life partner, such as will he pull his weight around the house? Is he considerate to my needs as well as his? Does he take on his share of the mental load related to running as household? Is he stingy around money? Etc etc. You will never know the true answers to these without living with him first.
Of course, he will say the right answers to all of these as theoretical questions, but until you actually live with him and discover the reality, you won't know.
Can you live together for a while as an engaged couple?

This. A million times. Living together doesn't always help. Most people live together before getting married now and divorce and violence rates rise year on year.

I think it's a bit daft to get married without living together first, nowadays. I understand it's your culture, but you really don't know someone until you live with them. Is divorce also an issue in your culture? Mums working after having children? You could be setting yourself up to be trapped in a relationship with someone who is very different to what you expected.

Could you at least go on holiday together? If you rent a cottage you'll at least get a taste of what he's like to live with, though I'm sure he'd be on best behaviour.

Personally I would advise giving it another year, at least. You're only 30, you have plenty of time to have children if you decide to go ahead.

You're definitely rushing for this day and age, but clock is ticking i suppose. Some decades ago, or in some other cultures you would be considered to be wasting time.

Your life, don't use strangers in the Internet to validate or dissuade your decisions.

He is more than likely marrying you for your Visa that may or may not be a problem for you. Some people wouldn’t care but that is why he’s pushing for marriage.

Luckily divorce isn't really an issue, though obviously i'm hoping it doesn't come to that. No issues with mums working though they're usually expected to do the bulk of the childcare. This is something I've hammered on that I will not be doing, and he accepts this is the case.

While we don't live together, we do spend 3-4 days a week together and we do stay overnight for those days. So we cook, clean and do chores together, I wouldn't quite classify this as living together because having those days apart definitely does make a difference. We'll be going on holiday together in the next few months. Only for a few days though, so similar to our current arrangement.

Back in the days when living together before marriage was frowned upon, divorce was also frowned upon. Domestic violence was not taken anywhere near as seriously as it is now and would have mostly gone unreported. So that's not a fair comparison.

Living together first is common sense.

Maybe a slightly unfair question OP but if you're basically living together in each other's houses at the moment, and you're going on holiday together, it's clearly appearances that matter culturally (rather than a strict opposition against sex before marriage). So is there really anything stopping you living together first? Do you not want to or is it family reaction etc? Do they know you are basically living together half the week at the moment?

Go at your pace, no-one else's. There are no children to consider yet so get married if you want.

I married DH very quickly because we both knew it was right. 29 years later we still know.

I’m similar to this. Met DH in late 20s, engaged after 10 months and married after another 6 months. Now married for 6 years and going strong. No real reason for the rush, you know when you know!

Statically you’re actually more likely to divorce if you live together before marriage apparently. That’s what I’ve heard recently anyway.

If you’ve known each other 4.5 years by the time you get married, 18 months of which have been an intimate relationship then that seems fine to me. 18 months is maybe on the shorter side with someone you didn’t know but as you’ve been good friends then surely you know him quite well as a person by now.

there are absolutely no guarantees in life, you can have marriages break down after 25 years because someone’s ran off with the next door neighbour. You can do everything right and it still go wrong.

If he’s never given you any reason to believe he isn’t who he says he is then there’s no reason to think he’ll change when you marry or when you have kids etc. If you are clued up on red flags and have no issue walking away if you started to see them then why would this be any different to any other relationship regardless if it’s only been 5 months?

Anecdotally my first husband and I were together 3 years before we married, had lived together etc. He left me within a year. Absolute disaster.

Current DH we met and moved in & had a baby within 14 months. Worked out great for us.

the difference was the first time I ignored a lot of red flags and the second time there were none to be found at all.

Statically you’re actually more likely to divorce if you live together before marriage apparently. That’s what I’ve heard recently anyway.

In this day and age, anyone who chooses not to live together before marriage is probably religious, which would also impact their likelihood of getting a divorce. Even if the relationship was not working.

Not all long lasting marriages are healthy or happy ones.

I'm in my thirties and moving quite quickly with my partner into marriage and TTC and I definitely think being in my mid-30s has contributed to feeling comfortable settling down so quickly after most of my 20s being single, but the other reason its so comfortable is that it feels right, we know its right, and we were friends first for a year.
We spoke about getting married within 3 months of being together, we almost rushed in to marriage because of my visa issues but I was able to secure a visa through work so we were able to get married at our own pace but we're still not waiting too long because we want to be married before having kids and my clock is ticking!
Whether you live together or not, the most important thing is you have shared values and goals in life and that you love and respect each other and are able to compromise.

Until you have lived with someone and gone through the mundane steps of life with them you arent ready for marriage.

You may have known this person for a while but your relationship is still in honeymoon stage.

Less time is definitely more risk. You know him better because of the 3 year history as friends but 5 months into actual relationship territoriy he may still be on his best behaviour. That said it's not unusual. Five months of serious living together dating isn't the same as two years of twice a week dating. Lots of my friends got engaged quite quickly if they started dating in their 30s (whereas those of us who met in our 20s were using together for at least 10 years before marriage/kids). The majority of them are still together and seem happy.

We aren't having sex (gasp), family also don't know about us staying over or going on holiday together. We're not quite in a position to move in together and won't be until the end of the year for various reasons.

YANBU.

I think a large part of this is that in your 30s, generally if you're a sensible person with self respect, you know what you want and whether that person fits the bill and can fit into your life (and you into his).

I think you've had the perfect beginning if I'm honest. Good luck with the wedding and moving in.

I've heard that as well, but generally take stats with a pinch of salt since they're usually skewed toward whoever needs an agenda pushed.

I've often thought about what the difference is between being together for 10 years and getting divorced after 1 year of marriage and getting divorced in the 10th year of an 11 year relationship.

No red flags at all at the moment, he's kind, thoughtful, honest & keeps to his word. He can also be lazy, procrastinates doing some things & never finds things the first time he looks for them 😂.

Also @Googlecanthelpme meeting to baby in 14 months is super impressive. To me having a baby is way more binding than marriage.

@ShelleyPercy that's really good to hear. Us being married would mean he has the ability to get indefinite leave a lot quicker than on his current visa. But realistically he's fine to stay for a few more years at the minimum.

Thank you @saltofcelery !

Obviously your age is impacting from a fertility pov but I don't think it impacts on how long your relationship should be pre-marriage iyswim.
Being a friend is different from being a romantic partner. What would give me pause is that your friends (who presumably know you and your partner) think you're rushing into it.
We had friends who married quickly and everyone else could see that it was going to be difficult for them. She had rose-coloured glasses about what he would be like as a partner. The rest of the friendship group who were more clear-eyed about how he acted in relationships and his patterns, were concerned but she didn't listen. Their marriage lasted five years. Maybe that's ok. Maybe this is really about you having a baby with someone you think you can co-parent with. And it's not to say you are the same as my friends. But no-one here can tell you whether it's long enough or not. Your friends might be better placed for that.

Ha your GASP made me smile

What do your friends mean when they say you are skipping steps?

Most people on here would advise you to live together first, many people on here would advise you not to marry someone you aren't sure you are sexually compatible with, and many would say to get to know someone very well as a romantic partner before committing to children.

The first of those avenues are ruled out for you so I guess you are looking for positive stories for people in your situation where it has worked out?

If you can at least go on a longish (>1 week) holiday together in a self catering place (ie mock domestic setup) that might help give an idea. And I'd want to understand more about what your more cautious friends would suggest you do then, given the constraints. But it sounds like you are going to have to go for it in the absence of many other options to proceed?

Really do wish you good luck!

You're old enough to know what you want and be decisive about your time frame. My husband and I were engaged after six months and married a further six months after that. We also didn't live together until we were married.

Not living together but getting married is crazy. Especially getting married so soon. And the visa thing muddies the water a lot. I’d be concerned if you were my friend.