To think that relationships in your 30s don't need to be super long before deciding whether to get married?

[strivingtosucceed]

I'm early 30s and have been in a relationship for 5 months with a friend i've known for 3 years prior. We met through mutual friends, but I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. In the meantime, we struck up a good friendship and he became one of my closest friends. He expressed interest sometime last year and we've been together since then.

Now we're considering getting married later this year (probably around November) and will probably be moving in together around this period, though he spends half his time at my place already. He isn't british, so there are visas and applications to worry about, but we'll get to that bridge closer to the time.

The few people i've told have mostly expressed concern about the speed we are moving at, though some are very excited for me. They think we're not taking enough time to get to know each other romantically and are skipping some steps. I think getting to know him as a friend first has cut out a lot of the "introduction time" and has allowed us to focus on the more practical things like where we're going to live, when we want to have kids, finances, long term goals, parenting styles etc

So i'd like to know what you guys think?
YABU - yes, you're moving too fast, slow down and smell the roses
YANBU - older relationships don't need years before deciding to tie the knot.

I agree, so much can go wrong regardless of whether you've been together 2 months or 20 years. Trust your instincts.

I think once you're in your thirties, there isn't so much of a need to be together for a long time before getting married. For me, having dated and been in relationships of varying lengths throughout my twenties, I had a clear understanding of who I was, what I wanted from life and what I would want from a partner to share that life with. It's sort of like you've done a lot of the pre-work of figuring out who the right fit might be (and who'd be a definite wrong fit!) so that when you meet someone, you've got a better idea of how well they match up to what you know you're looking for.

That being said, I've always said I would want to live (or in your case, share a space regularly) with a person for the four seasons of a year to feel like I truly knew them, and that they know me - for example, I know I'm prone to bouts of anxiety in high summer and become very (happily!) insular in winter, and it's important that someone knows those things about me and that I know things like that about them before committing to a lifetime of those changing cycles of personality.

Ultimately, a person is not a static thing, we are constantly cycling, evolving and growing so going into a marriage with as much knowledge of a person as they are now is good, but even better is a really good understanding of their fundamental values as that's the best indicator of the type of person they're likely to grow to become.

Good luck OP!

I’m met my wife and knew I was in love with her immediately. Within weeks we were solid as a couple, she moved countries to live with me 6 months later and we were married within 3 years, had kids a year after that.
The only reason we didn’t get married quicker was because we couldn’t, it wasn’t yet legal!
We we’re both in our early 30s and that was all 20 years ago.

I think you're a little naive thinking of marrying someone you haven't lived full time with. Why not move in together now to give yourself time to gain clarity?

DH and I rushed through the stages a little as we were in our 30s and wanted to marry before children. It's worked out OK so far!
By my 30s I'd definitely gained some experience in spotting awful men and identifying my relationship red lines. We were married in under 2 years and I returned from honeymoon pregnant.
Nearly 10 years together now. Our kids are 5 and 7.

That's just luck though! I loved my ex instantly. Still ended up not working out.

All of this.

Be careful.

Fair. I do think the consistent trend in happy marriages is that the two people hold the same values. Whether they're religious or not, that's a good foundation. If someone is religious, out of their choice and not forced, than I guess it is a quick way to establish that you've got the same set of values.

If you are 100% sure you don't want to have sex and live together before marriage you might as well get married. Even if you date for another 5 years you will have no new data as the most significant and impactful things will be unknown.
What I would recommend is to have a detailed frank discussion on your approach to children (how many, who will look after them), finance (joined, separate, unemployment, mat leave) and life admin and housework distribution. If you agree on all the above then best of luck to you

Are your friends really concerned about the visa thing?

I suppose it depends what sort of friends you were. If it was "just friends, who are those two kidding?" That woukd be different tomsome one you occasionally saw as part of a group.

To leap from just friends to getting married in 5 months, especially.if you've know each other but not realised any attraction until now, would raise an alarm and the visa issue adds another layer

I could get married after year or two only if I lived with someone. Otherwise, no. I don't think you need to date someone for 10 years in your 30s, as your personalities are already developed, so there is no risk that you'll be growing up and will go in other directions as it's the case for high school sweethearts etc.

Don't tie your relationship to his immigration status if you can help it. You've not been together long and you don't need that added pressure.

YABVU. Gently, are you not concerned the reason he wants to marry you after 20 weeks is to obtain a visa?

Friends haven't met him yet, they've quite inconsiderately moved away from my area, some internationally so a few may not meet him until we get married regardless of if it's this or next year. The mutual friends that introduced us are understandably a lot more accepting of us since they knew him first.

@Jumb steps like sex and living together 😂 but also time to have serious arguments and see each other's low/high points. Thank you!

@SnackyOnassis good points, I do feel that now I'm in my 30s I have a much better idea of what I want. I have 0 time for timewasters and cocklodgers, and we share similar religious/moral values which I find super important. Thanks!

@Iwonder08 that's an angle i'd not considered before, but you're right. We're both 100% sure on both of those things, so barring any personality issues/life happenings we're not likely to learn much more about each other this way. Thanks.

In my completely anecdotal experience- those who married quickly in their twenties and thirties seem to have fared better. They both knew what they wanted, and it was each other. As long as your values align and neither person is settling or compromising- good for you.

Being a nine year girlfriend is completely normalised these days, which is probably why your friends are panicking a bit. It’s seen as this HUGE step, but people continue to make babies and purchase property together first which literally makes zero sense. You can always get divorced. You can’t reabsorb a joint child.

It worked fine for us. Engaged after 6 months and married after a year. We didn't have kids until we'd been together 5 years though. We were together for 20 happy years until I was widowed unfortunately. We had to be fairly quick if we wanted to stay in the same country as dh was from SA. He'd planned to move on to Australia after the UK but then met me

W I met my dh,in the February of 2005,I was 31 he was 29 ,,we were married in the August of the same year so six,moths ,people expressed
concerns ,we are still together, nearly 18 years later
by contrast my sister met her ex husband in 1998,married in 2001 did everything by the book and split up about five years ago🤷
Long term relationships will either last or they won't .

Hi @strivingtosucceed in 6 months i dated, married and got pregnant.
I was 40 years old, i didn't have time to waste, either we're on the same page or we're not. We have our good and bad moments, we're married with a baby but we're still getting to know each other.
YANBU i totally hear you x

@DaphneFlower sorry to hear that, but glad you got 20 good years together. Thanks for your stories @x2boys @Summer2424 I’ll continue to be cautiously optimistic going forward.

We talked about marriage in the first week of our relation ship. We were 30. Married 18 months later. Been 20 years now.

I think you should do the marriage prep counselling, given you won't live together first. If it's the same for sex then you will have no idea how well things will go on that front until you're married, whether that's sooner or much later makes no difference so not a reason to wait in and of itself...

Having said that, I do think on balance the fact you say you think he is decent, but may be missing warning signs is the main issue I see. I think you should be 100% comfortable that he is a decent person before getting married, and asking people on the internet if theoretically getting married quick is ok isn't really going to help you. It feels like you are trying to shoe horn your situation into a 'typical' situation of people in their 30s, to push aside the doubts you yourself have?

If that is wrong ignore what I say! If you really have no doubts and have support from your family, and won't culturally be expected to stay with him of he does change once married, then no reason not to. The fact his immediate family are also in the uk is a good thing too.

Can you afford to wait a bit and see more of him around his older friends and family as that might help you feel more at ease?

Best of luck.

Just remember things won't always be perfect,I was still in the hazy,days of a new relationship when I married my dh,we have certainly had our ups and downs but have worked through most things,but tbh,most people in a long term relationships will have to do ,but after 18 years ifwe split up tomorrow( which I don't anticipate btw)I won't be because we got married after such a short time .

I agree.I separated from my ExH at 32 then met my now dh 4 months later.We had ds a year to the day of us meeting and we've been married 10 years in Feb.

DH and I were engaged 5 months after starting to date. That was 21 years ago. When it's right, you'll know...

We talked about having children on our third date. Sometimes you do just know BUT… living together is the real test. I wouldn’t have considered TTC or marriage before we shacked up.

We bought a house together after a year (started looking at 6 months) & we’re TTC. He hasn’t proposed yet annoyingly 🤣