To tell my FIL to fuck off

[Relevancyiskey]

Does anyone else's FIL constantly act as if their son has the hardest life imaginable and deserves all the breaks in the world?

He has recently started making comments about how DH needs to find more time for himself and I should "let him". Keep in mind I'm a SAHM and also rarely get time for myself as we have a baby and toddler. We were even out to dinner last week and my husband was complimenting me on my hard work (i've been struggling recently) and FIL starting talking about how going out to work is harder than staying at home. I've done both and can assure you it's fucking not.
In the same sentence FIL started talking about how all through DH and BIL childhood he would go running for 2-3 hours every evening. He said and I quote "He still needs to do things for himself" yeah not 15-20 hours a week... we went on a holiday entirely dedicated to DH hobby (snowboarding) only a month ago where he got to snowboard all week and I looked after the children. FILs comment "I was glad you finally got to go, you deserved a break where you didn't have to think about the children".

Do I just have to suck this up? Is this a common trait in 60 year old men and I just need to accept things were different 30 years ago? Is it even that bad or am I just oversensitive?

Nope. I can’t imagine DH expecting me to trail along on a holiday to look after the kids while he did his hobby either.

No. I would call him out for the misogynist old prick that he is. Men like this are insufferable.

I’d want to know why your husband wasn’t putting him straight or he he moaning to FIL. If my side of the family disrespect my partner then I’d be the one stopping that.

Oh god. Ex MIL thought my then husband led a harsh and oppressed life. In reality he was a lazy prick and l challenged him about it. Which obviously he didn’t like and neither did she 🤷‍♀️

I booked it for us to be fair, and because I wanted to see Switzerland again. He was insanely grateful. But it was hard work, and I wouldn't waste the money again as it just felt like the same stress but away from home.

Despite him hating confrontation he did actually speak up and start having saying to FIL about how my work is way harder than his and how he admires me etc etc. He's very good and I love him lots. He is definitely not an issue here.

Just nod and say

Absolutely it's my turn next isn't it dear, so important for mothers to get some proper relaxation without the kids around

Even worse coming from a mother who presumably knew how you felt.... no wonder he's an ex

“Is this a common trait in 60 year old men”

Not this one. He’s a dick. I like to think I’m not.

I'm really glad to hear it. My dad is like my FIL and my grandfather was the same.. maybe its the company I keep 😅

I think you’ve had a name change fail

My FIL is approaching 90 and doesn't come out with shit like this.

Yh wtf is this. Why did u look after the kids alone all week while he had hobby time?! Do you get an equal time off? What about more generally, how is the division of labour.

I bet the apple didn't fall as far from the tree as you think.

Whilst I wouldn't go out of my way to start an argument I would feel the need to say something.....maybe along the lines of 'are you offering to help out FIL? How are we going to manage 15/20hrs of 'me time' EACH. Everytime this child free time is mentioned smile wistfully and say how much WE would like that.
Remember tho your FIL is verbalise his thoughts but your MIL has gone along with this and your husband hasn't exactly challenged things.

You're father in law isn't that much older than me so nah, don't excuse it on generational grounds. My own father was born in 1945 and did tons with me and my sister growing up, plus did more than half the household stuff as my Mum also worked and was home later than my Dad.

He's just a twat.

When he comes out with this shit, just say 'great, you can have the kids then & me & DH can have the afternoon off..' 😠

No. You don't have to put up with it.
No. It's nothing to do with his age.

And I suggest your DH is a bit more pro-active in telling him to wind his neck in.

Sorry for name change fail 😂 I booked the holiday. He's not a problem. He let's me do whatever I want to do, he does half of the housework and childcare when he's home. He does all the bath and bedtime of our toddler to give me time to breathe, always has...

Is this a common trait in 60 year old men and I just need to accept things were different 30 years ago?

Nope - I'm 67 and my ex is the same age, I would have laughed him out of the house if he'd come out with shit like that - and then told him to fuck off.

We did divorce but it wasn't because of his 50s attitude but because he had an affair.

You are so right..... now I can't log into my account. I've done that before and was so embarrassed i had to play it off 😜

My FIL is approaching 90 and doesn't come out with shit like this.

My dad died 2 years ago aged 91 and didn't think like this.

I would just tell him (FIL) how I felt and that it's not the 1940s/50s anymore. He's a primary caregiver also and will be treated accordingly.

Tell FIL you need a break too and when can you drop his grandchildren off so he can take care of them.

This man is totally ignorant and needs educating. I suspect he is feeling secretly guilty he was obviously such a crap father himself and his son is showing him up.

My FIL and I went through a V tense time about 7- 8 years ago- both husband and I are NHS doctors- I work 40 hours a week during term time (about 30 during school hols) and my husband looooonger hours. We used to work the same but I, by choice, cut back once we had our boys. I only explain this because I think much of FILs initial confidence in passing comment/ judgement came from the fact that I work ‘part time’ (less than DH if you don’t count mum as a role).

In laws visited when my boys were toddlers. We are about 500miles away so contact is always a visit for a week, when I host and entertain, a few times a year.

My FIL pissed me off over a number of low key things before we had children. Minor controlling things but nothing to get too upset about or create drama. Retrospectively he behaved like a dick at times.

One visit to us about 7 years ago (with Toddler and baby) he pushed me over the edge… he was over policing my toddlers, then rebuked me when one little one whacked the other and I pulled boy 1 (gently!) up on his behaviour. And expected dinner on the table by me etc etc.

I had not long got in from work one day and still had my ‘confident work head’ on. I literally hissed in his ear ‘these are my children, you are in my house, you are a guest here and do not impose on my parenting here…’ FIL sat down in shock and was quiet the rest of their visit. I was a quivering wreck after my stand up moment 😂

It was awkward during that visit but he heard it. He must have reflected on it because the suffocating paternalistic behaviour just dissolved.

We have an excellent relationship over the last few years and value each other a lot these days.

FIL still acts like DH is the messiah at times but then he is his father- and we all feel this about our children regardless of age…. Since I had my truth moment with him I think he gets it more. Now he is nothing but warm and respectful to me.

I don’t know that my sisters in law (wives of DHs brothers) get the same. They haven’t pulled themselves up to their highest height and hissed threateningly in his ear… yet!

I think there is a huge generational thing about men/ masculinity/ roles but a good man, irrespective of age, should be able to accept a reality lesson and change their behaviour.

My advice (based on my N=1 experience) Be brave and try to put your foot down OP. How he responds will tell you what kind of man he is.

It's sad because when DH talks about his childhood he mainly mentions his dad. Despite his mum being a SAHM. Clearly there for the fun bits