To tell my FIL to fuck off

[Relevancyiskey]

Does anyone else's FIL constantly act as if their son has the hardest life imaginable and deserves all the breaks in the world?

He has recently started making comments about how DH needs to find more time for himself and I should "let him". Keep in mind I'm a SAHM and also rarely get time for myself as we have a baby and toddler. We were even out to dinner last week and my husband was complimenting me on my hard work (i've been struggling recently) and FIL starting talking about how going out to work is harder than staying at home. I've done both and can assure you it's fucking not.
In the same sentence FIL started talking about how all through DH and BIL childhood he would go running for 2-3 hours every evening. He said and I quote "He still needs to do things for himself" yeah not 15-20 hours a week... we went on a holiday entirely dedicated to DH hobby (snowboarding) only a month ago where he got to snowboard all week and I looked after the children. FILs comment "I was glad you finally got to go, you deserved a break where you didn't have to think about the children".

Do I just have to suck this up? Is this a common trait in 60 year old men and I just need to accept things were different 30 years ago? Is it even that bad or am I just oversensitive?

It isn't an age thing it is an asshole thing. this.

Neither my 64 year old husband or 93 year old father in law would come out with such misogynist rubbish. As most mothers also have paid jobs, we know which role is generally harder - for me, I went to work for a rest!

Nope.
Delusional. Going out to work is never harder than being a sahm.
Never.

It really wasn't the norm when your dh was growing up. I'm 58 and the norm when I started working was for women to work.

Colleagues 15-20 years older than me were more likely to follow the traditional route you refer to but they would be late 70's and up now.

Your fil is just an asshole.

I'm always banging on about this on threads like these, but these supposedly "old fashioned" ideas are such bollocks. I'm nearly 50 and when I was growing up in a more old fashioned/conservative environment, lots of my friends' families had dads who were the main breadwinners and mums who worked part time or were SAHMs.

But, newsflash, those men did NOT just go to work and come home and do NOTHING else. They prided themselves on being family men and on some level I suspect there was a sense of being "real" men. So they worked but they also did lots at home - maybe not cooking and cleaning (although mine did) but would be on top of all DIY, garden chores, bins,... anything that required more "muscle". They were also the ones who did most of the lifting and carrying on weekends - it was the dads ferrying us all around to sports activities, doing late night pick ups from parties etc (frankly, it was all a bit misogynist really ie "ooh, women shouldn't drive at night" but the point was that they weren't sitting at home on their butts).

My Dad had a sports hobby which he did 3x a week and yes, that was inviolate in our house. But when he wasn't doing that, he was either at work or doing stuff at home. There was also, I sense, a sort of sense of pride in having a wife who was social, well dressed, well groomed etc. It's hard to define but certainly, all those SAHMs weren't being restricted in what they spent or what they did,

This is all a long winded way of saying your FIL is a dick. Unless there's more going on and your DH is struggling and has confided in your FIL. But I think it's the former.

My Dad is 73 and whilst he can be a bit old fashioned in some of his views he thinks mothers are incredible and men have it easy in most cases. My FIL on the other hand is a closet misogynist, but wouldn't dare to air his views in front of me as he knows I'd tell him straight. At least your DH doesn't think like him OP.

Precisely. What a fucking twat.

My parents are in their early 60s and this is so far from how my dad is. It's not an age thing it's a chauvinism thing.

At least your DH doesn't think like him OP.

You sure about that? He dragged his wife and two small children to the mountains so he could snowboard all day, every day, and she could look after the kids without any of the conveniences of home. Why did he do that? So she couldn’t point out the disparity because ‘I took you on holiday to the Alps’ or to alleviate his own guilt?

DH is over 70 and he always pulled his weight with housework and the children. Your fil is a 1950s throwback.

I am living this at the moment. We have our in laws visiting and my father in law was flabbergasted at how much my DH does for our toddler while I look after a very clingy baby.

He said at dinner "in my day, mothers did the mothering" so I replied "in my day, which is now, I earn the most money so if we follow the dollars and your logic I should be off to play squash and come back to a cooked meal"

Didn't go down well.

But, OP, this is outdated bullshit that does not apply to today's standards. Even if you're a stay at home parents you do way more for less money. Your job is 24/7 and the fact that he doesn't understand or respect it is proof that he has no fucking idea.

I'm married to a man in his 60's and can assure you that it's not an older man thing. I don't know anyone who thinks like that, apart from the ones on mn.

My FIL is in his 70s and nothing like this!

I’ve recently called my own dad out on this. My dad has just become a grandad this year to my dd and my siblings children. (All born 2022) He would make comments at first about how hard my male siblings had it and often would mention that he didn’t change nappies and didn’t have paternity time etc. I and my female siblings have pointed out how ignorant, obnoxious and out dated his comments are. He’s now apologised and spent time looking after his grandchildren independently and realised that it’s not as easy as he thinks. He explained that it was how he was raised, his own father had time for his hobbies and his mum would spend time with him. My dad firmly believed that women had a bit of down time when the children nap.
Now that we have spoken and aired our annoyance it’s actually a lot better . He’s far more understanding and doesn’t side with the males in the family. He appreciates all the mums and realises how hard it is to raise children.

I can't believe that you tolerated that holiday op. Looks like you have two men who think like that. Must be a fault in the genes.

My FIL nearly choked on the coffee I made him when he came to visit after DD13 was born and he witnessed Dh changing her nappy whilst i sat on the sofa drinking tea. That's womens work apparently and a working husband shouldn't be expected to do work in the home, other than DIY. FIl is very proud that he's never changed a nappy and never done any childcare (even when MIL was working too)

I am very low contact with him now. He's a horrible man and the above is really just scratching the surface of the things he has said and done to me. Luckily MIL is wonderful.

I agree with this. My DH is 70 and he and his friends are not like this at all. I was a SAHM for seven years, until our youngest went to school. During that time DH did all of the food planning, shopping and cooking (he still does) and shared many other tasks with me. To be honest, I’m always shocked when I read that men younger than him are so antiquated!

Yes fuck off.

My dad is mid 70s.

he looked after us when sick, took care of us in the evenings so mum could go to night school/do hobbies and pulled his weight with housework.

it’s not a generational thing.

there are men like your FIL around today (see the relationships board!)
it’s an entitled prick thing.

@Winniethepig I had a similar argument with MIL once. She felt that SIL (HER daughter) should make more effort to ensure that BIL had a nice meal at the end of the day. I rather incredulously shouted that sure, that's all very well but why doesn't she expect BIL to live by the same old fashioned standards and why isn't she then complaining that BIL only works part time for minimum wage, has never taken on any traditional "blue" chores like garbage, and car cleaning and all the rest of it etc etc etc.

In her defence, I think that was actually when she started to see that the narrative that SIL was the difficult one in that relationship was perhaps not quite so cut and dried. But the double standards?! Man, it still infuriates me now and this argument was close to 10 years ago!!!

He said at dinner "in my day, mothers did the mothering" so I replied "in my day, which is now, I earn the most money so if we follow the dollars and your logic I should be off to play squash and come back to a cooked meal" @Winniethepig I applaud you.

That's a fantastic come back.

Some men are just pricks. My paternal grandad was like this and my dad is the same. It grates on me. I don't see my dad very often but he can be such an arse, saying similar sexist things.

I assume you're being sarcastic?

@IhearyouClemFandango Nope.

I've worked a myriad of jobs. As a student, double shifts as chambermaids barstaff, hospitality. I've worked as cabin crew on long haul flights dealing with assholes for 17 hours straight with jetlag. I also ran my own business. None of them even touched the sides of the bone tired, exhausting never ending no break work of being the one at home with babies and toddlers and all the housework & mental load that goes along with that.

My sister is an overworked hospital a&e nurse and is in agreement. My other sister a primary school teacher who also agrees.

I’m not sure why you think you can speak for all parents.

I have done both ( 3 children born in 3 years) . Being at home with the children was significantly easier and more enjoyable that going out to work , and I have a job that , on the whole, I love.

I know many others who feel the same way.

I think my tactic would be to let my eyes glaze over yawn and change the subject or just walk away when he's in mid flow

@Tigertigertigertiger

I love my work now & I loved being with my kids, but that was the toughest gig ever & you ate quite literally the first person I've ever heard say being at home was easier.

Ever

You clearly had a lot of help/nursery/babysitting/cleaners/no sen & certainly not a single mum or you would literally be laughing at yourself.