To tell my FIL to fuck off

[Relevancyiskey]

Does anyone else's FIL constantly act as if their son has the hardest life imaginable and deserves all the breaks in the world?

He has recently started making comments about how DH needs to find more time for himself and I should "let him". Keep in mind I'm a SAHM and also rarely get time for myself as we have a baby and toddler. We were even out to dinner last week and my husband was complimenting me on my hard work (i've been struggling recently) and FIL starting talking about how going out to work is harder than staying at home. I've done both and can assure you it's fucking not.
In the same sentence FIL started talking about how all through DH and BIL childhood he would go running for 2-3 hours every evening. He said and I quote "He still needs to do things for himself" yeah not 15-20 hours a week... we went on a holiday entirely dedicated to DH hobby (snowboarding) only a month ago where he got to snowboard all week and I looked after the children. FILs comment "I was glad you finally got to go, you deserved a break where you didn't have to think about the children".

Do I just have to suck this up? Is this a common trait in 60 year old men and I just need to accept things were different 30 years ago? Is it even that bad or am I just oversensitive?

You don’t have to put up with it. I just choose not to see mine. DH takes the kids to stuff his father is present for, I do something different. He doesn’t get invited to our home. In his head, that probably further confirms his assertions that I’m “lazy” and DH does too much. And I no longer care 😁

We adopted our ds at age 3. We couldn't have biological kids due to DHs infertility but were more than happy to adopt. We went through so much to get him, it was all we wanted in life and we were ecstatic. Dh was a teacher and at home during summer holidays with our gorgeous new ds while I worked. In laws contacted me and suggested that I should take time off work (impossible) as dh should not be expected to spend his holidays looking after "that child".

All of my friends are late 50s upwards. Of course there is absolutely not a single man amongst them you thinks like your FIL. All of my male friends changed nappies, took paternity leave, participated in family life.

Your 60 year old FIL is a weird old anomaly that's for sure.

My father, who would be 93 now if still alive ... that's a different story.

My FIL (who hasn’t lifted a finger in his life at home or work) was the same, i just didn’t stand for it and neither did DH. He doesn’t say anything of the sort to me now!

My dad is the same age and nothing like him so I’m not sure it’s a generational thing. I know blokes the same age as me and younger who have the same dreadful attitude.

Depends on your job surely? I can only imagine you've only ever had fairly undemanding roles to not be able to imagine one that may be harder than being at home taking care of your own kids.

@Eightiesgirl
It's lovely to hear about your happy family unit🥰
(Your in-laws are horrible and awful 🤬)

He’s hinting that you should go out & get a proper job my girl, instead of staying home & playing with the kids all day. So why not do it if you’d prefer, & get FIL to look after the kids. See what the daft Cunt has to say about that!

Yes please tell him to fuck off. 🤬

How much time did he spend as a sahp I wonder, to be able to so confidently declare that it is easier than working?

Knobhead.

Sounds like my 'FIL' (not married, together nearly 14 years). He's a right fucking prick. My partner is 52, FIL is 73....and FIL acts like he was born in the 1850s, not 1950s. MIL worked the whole time during partner's childhood, but any talk of the family home and it's referred to as 'FIL's money that bought it' and 'FIL's house'....I almost wish they'd get divorced so the harsh reality of the divorce laws would disabuse him of that notion! Unfortunately MIL is a complete wet blanket of a doormat and allows him to get away with all his outdated misogynistic bullshit.

Anyway... FIL tried his sexist bullshit on me when we were first dating and didn't like it when I didn't kowtow to him. The idea that an adult woman of 42 wouldn't be bossed around by another adult had obviously never occurred to him... I've not seen either of the 'in-laws' for nearly 9 years now. No kids so no reason to, as far as I'm concerned. I see a good relationship with in-laws as a bonus in a relationship, not mandatory.

I find posts like this so frustrating.

Looking after small children is bloody hard work but so much depends on the job you’re comparing it with and the temperament of the person.

It’s not helpful to make blanket statements and assume that because that’s how it was for you it’s the same for everyone.

I was a SAHP for several years and frankly it WAS easier than the job I left to do it (and no, I didn’t have loads of help). But that’s just me, I’m not naive enough to think it’s the same for everyone.

Years later I had jobs that were easier than staying at home. There are too many variables to generalise.

Sorry for the derail. OP, my OH is nearly 60 and he would think your FIL is an idiot. It’s not age, it’s personality.

My husband is 63. I dont think he feels like that. Even if he did he would not dare say it. He has 3 women in his life that would wipe the floor with him if he did. OP you need to tell FIL that his ideas are out of the arc and men like him are the cause of the massive divorce rate.

I am generally a take no shit type of person and give zero fucks who I offend if they are being a dick. However, since your DH is on your side and not the problem here I'd just laught at FIL when he makes these comments and say "oh John, how lucky DH doesn't think the same way or else I'd never have married him let alone had kids with him! Children have 2 parents, when do I get my 20h off a week?"

I had an ex bf whose dad was like this. Even told my bf that he needed to "put me in my place" a few times. He was full of opinions on what I "should" do. One time I said to him "you know, your son isn't a prisoner here...he can leave me and go and find the doormat you think he ought to be with and have the easy life you think she'll give him. What does it say about you and your marriage that he wants the total opposite?" He just sat there like a fish. My ex and I kept in touch through mutual friends and he is now married to someone waaaay more strong willed than I am and I hope she also stands up for herself with that horrible man.

Bloody hell, do you still speak to them?

@IhearyouClemFandango well you would be wrong & clearly didn't see my reply. I also have (like most people a wide social circle & many friends) with every type of career encompassed.

Currently I'm working and studying for an MA and it's still easier work than parenting.

I can only assume you have a partner & lots of help & babysitters and childcare & no kids with sen if you're unable to imagine whereby work is easier.

@cherrysoup it was a long time ago, MIL has passed away and FIL is now 91. I fell out with FIL many times over the years because of the outdated, sexist, and bullying things he says, even now. He's a very opinionated man and, according to him, he is always right. Funnily enough, I am the one he comes to when he has a problem and I do help him (I'd help anyone). Although, the latest is he's just made a will, stating specifically that neither me or my ds are to inherit anything. I was told this, in confidence, by the shocked family member who accompanied him. I laughed my head off when I found out, he's so predictable. We don't need a penny from him to be happy!

Well quite, so how can you say as a blanket rule that being a SAHP is always harder than going out to work? All circumstances are different.

I have a husband, yes and no kids with SEN. But no to the rest of it. So now can you imagine why my really quite challenging professional role was harder than being at home full time?

You can't say never, so stop trying as it devalues the discussion.

He obviously says exactly what he pleases and doesn't care if it's rude. It's fine to discuss exactly the same.

@IhearyouClemFandango I hear you & your stealth boast about your "professional" role. Hmmm unless you're a doctor in the current a&e
I fully call bullshit that your job is harder than let's call it 99% of state at home parents.

But you do you.

My FIL at 83 is a nice chap but has a view that women are 'wonderful, like gentle flowers' (his quote) and should be looked after. This translates though as the H should work hard and pay for everything and the women do all the domestic stuff and childcare.

My family are like this
i was a single parent but my brothers (at the time) didn’t have kids
anyway,one brother got married and had a son-my whole family expected both parents to go to work and for the wife to do all the wife work at home after work
you wouldn’t believe the shock and the moaning they did when my brother picked up his half of the slack
they almost fainted when he gave up work and became a stay at home dad to their child (their choice-she earned more)
they still think he’s a failure at life now the child is older and he’s gone back to work and still pulls his weight at home
they both tell them to wind their necks in-the fallout after my father tried to take him to one side to tell my brother to ‘put her in her place’ and ‘your the man,you work too hard and she needs to do more’ was unreal

im nc with them as my mother is a narc but they’ve still tried to meddle in my life by sending my dp messages telling him that I’m a lazy cow for working full time and only doing my half at home
he just laughs at them

my darling fil (we lost him 2 years ago) was shocked I didn’t make dps sandwiches for work (I buy a meal deal) but my mil told him to shut up and that was the end of that-he never mentioned anything like that again
in fact they where (and mil still is) very supportive of the fact we both work so we both do what needs doing in other areas of our lives

He's a bigot. I bet he wouldn't last one week as a SAHD.

Next time I'd explain that as you're the only one around the table who's both worked and been a SAHP, you're the only one who knows. And you assure them being a SAHM is much harder.

I totally agree, work is a break compared to looking after multiple children all day every day.

I’m a psychotherapist in the nhs - I had 2 kids 2 years apart being a sahm was way easier than my job.

makes no sense to generalise either way.

My grandfather would be 104 if he were still alive. He looked after me, changed nappies, fed me, put me to bed etc. So I'm told anyway 🤣

My stepfather is now 70 and he did his share with my brother from the day he was born. Night feeds the lot.

I never heard either of them ever use the phrase "women's work"

My DH is 58 and the best father and grandfather ever - well imo 😉

I don't think it's generational.