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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my FIL to fuck off

129 replies

Relevancyiskey · 03/01/2023 23:04

Does anyone else's FIL constantly act as if their son has the hardest life imaginable and deserves all the breaks in the world?

He has recently started making comments about how DH needs to find more time for himself and I should "let him". Keep in mind I'm a SAHM and also rarely get time for myself as we have a baby and toddler. We were even out to dinner last week and my husband was complimenting me on my hard work (i've been struggling recently) and FIL starting talking about how going out to work is harder than staying at home. I've done both and can assure you it's fucking not.
In the same sentence FIL started talking about how all through DH and BIL childhood he would go running for 2-3 hours every evening. He said and I quote "He still needs to do things for himself" yeah not 15-20 hours a week... we went on a holiday entirely dedicated to DH hobby (snowboarding) only a month ago where he got to snowboard all week and I looked after the children. FILs comment "I was glad you finally got to go, you deserved a break where you didn't have to think about the children".

Do I just have to suck this up? Is this a common trait in 60 year old men and I just need to accept things were different 30 years ago? Is it even that bad or am I just oversensitive?

OP posts:
IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 00:11

BeGentlePeeps · 04/01/2023 00:06

My FIL and I went through a V tense time about 7- 8 years ago- both husband and I are NHS doctors- I work 40 hours a week during term time (about 30 during school hols) and my husband looooonger hours. We used to work the same but I, by choice, cut back once we had our boys. I only explain this because I think much of FILs initial confidence in passing comment/ judgement came from the fact that I work ‘part time’ (less than DH if you don’t count mum as a role).

In laws visited when my boys were toddlers. We are about 500miles away so contact is always a visit for a week, when I host and entertain, a few times a year.

My FIL pissed me off over a number of low key things before we had children. Minor controlling things but nothing to get too upset about or create drama. Retrospectively he behaved like a dick at times.

One visit to us about 7 years ago (with Toddler and baby) he pushed me over the edge… he was over policing my toddlers, then rebuked me when one little one whacked the other and I pulled boy 1 (gently!) up on his behaviour. And expected dinner on the table by me etc etc.

I had not long got in from work one day and still had my ‘confident work head’ on. I literally hissed in his ear ‘these are my children, you are in my house, you are a guest here and do not impose on my parenting here…’ FIL sat down in shock and was quiet the rest of their visit. I was a quivering wreck after my stand up moment 😂

It was awkward during that visit but he heard it. He must have reflected on it because the suffocating paternalistic behaviour just dissolved.

We have an excellent relationship over the last few years and value each other a lot these days.

FIL still acts like DH is the messiah at times but then he is his father- and we all feel this about our children regardless of age…. Since I had my truth moment with him I think he gets it more. Now he is nothing but warm and respectful to me.

I don’t know that my sisters in law (wives of DHs brothers) get the same. They haven’t pulled themselves up to their highest height and hissed threateningly in his ear… yet!

I think there is a huge generational thing about men/ masculinity/ roles but a good man, irrespective of age, should be able to accept a reality lesson and change their behaviour.

My advice (based on my N=1 experience) Be brave and try to put your foot down OP. How he responds will tell you what kind of man he is.

I appreciate how brave you were 😂 I've been tempted once or twice to put him is his place. I did say after the going to work comment and I quote "anyone who thinks going to work is easier than staying at home is fucking delusional." I was a bit irate. MIL stepped in and said "I tried to tell him you won't get anywhere!" Poor woman

Coolheadedbird · 04/01/2023 00:11

I think your best defence is that your FILs son wanted this, a wife, family and children so you don’t feel sorry for him adjusting his life like you had to, in order to make it work. Duh

Kitkatcatflap · 04/01/2023 00:12

My deceased FIL never said anything like that and was brilliant with the kids.

You're FIL is a knobhead

Coolheadedbird · 04/01/2023 00:13

But generally ignore him and just try and have a good family life without this guys input. Perhaps find it in you to tell your hubby he wanted these choices too abd don’t forget your hobbies too.

Cas112 · 04/01/2023 00:14

I would tell him to stfu

samqueens · 04/01/2023 00:15

I’d be grateful my DH hadn’t absorbed too much of his dad’s clearly misogynistic, outdated and selfish behaviour - that’s definitely a win!

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 00:17

Coolheadedbird · 04/01/2023 00:13

But generally ignore him and just try and have a good family life without this guys input. Perhaps find it in you to tell your hubby he wanted these choices too abd don’t forget your hobbies too.

I do go for the odd walk! Aside from childcare any spare time he gives me I spend studying. We both have little time for fun at the moment. Just feels crap to expect to suffer by myself according to FIL!

Pallisers · 04/01/2023 00:20

My Dh is close to 60 and would be more likely to tell you you have a really hard job and his son should appreciate you and help you more.

It isn't an age thing it is an asshole thing.

Tell your dh that the next time your FIL says this if the next words aren't "god dad Relevancy works harder than anyone I know and I have a great life thanks to her" then he'll be wrangling 2 kids alone on his next snowboarding holiday.

My FIL could be a tricky guy and was useless as a grandfather. But I loved him dearly. Partly because at my wedding when told he had to make a speech he stood up and said "My son has married a fantastic woman and is lucky to have her as has his brother." and he toasted his daughters in law.

Mamanyt · 04/01/2023 00:25

He's SIXTY? He should know better. Had he been 85, that might be a different thing. I'm 70 years old, and the men I grew up with vividly remember the changes in lifestyles, women going out to work at something besides teaching and nursing (at least until they "caught a husband"), the advent of spouses as equal partners, and men finally realizing that SAHM is a real, and vastly underpaid job!

Gingerbreadhouseofhorror · 04/01/2023 00:26

Umm my DH is 60 and is the opposite of this. Bit ageist of you tbh.

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 00:30

Gingerbreadhouseofhorror · 04/01/2023 00:26

Umm my DH is 60 and is the opposite of this. Bit ageist of you tbh.

That's not fair at all. Things change as generations are born. Now is very different to 30 years ago is very different to 50 years ago etc etc etc. I'm asking if it's to be accepted as that was the norm back when DH was a child

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 00:32

Which I think was fairly assumed as my dad is EXACTLY the same and they are the only 2 men of that age in my life

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/01/2023 00:32

Is this a common trait in 60 year old men

No it's not because not all 60 yo men are the same.

Glindara · 04/01/2023 00:35

upfucked · 03/01/2023 23:05

Nope. I can’t imagine DH expecting me to trail along on a holiday to look after the kids while he did his hobby either.

Like father like son.

What sort of family holiday involves you looking after a baby and a toddler in the snow alone whilst your DH fucks off on the snow all day?

dolor · 04/01/2023 00:43

My exact words would be "oh DO fuck off", after which I would walk away.

Pallisers · 04/01/2023 00:44

My dad if alive would be late 90s. He didn't think like this. DH almost 60 doesn't think like this. This has nothing to do with age and every thing to do with your FIL being a bit of a plonker and seeing family life as some sort of zero sum game of who is having it harder. (really not good for a marriage)

Next time he says anything like this just look him in the eye and say "you have NO idea how lucky your son is to have me" and then turn to your husband and expect him to defend you.

Like just shut your FIL down. If he persists say "omg FIL you are SO dating yourself with this man of the house thing - sounds way older than you are" or ignore or make a joke.

His opinion is nothing to you. It is just annoying noise in a conversation so shut it down.

I hope your DH appreciates you.

AliceOlive · 04/01/2023 00:49

FIL starting talking about how going out to work is harder than staying at home.

Did you say, "Oh yes, FIL, tell us about the time you stayed home and took care of the house and children?"

He never did, guaranteed. In fairness, I haven't either but I know it's harder than my job.

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 00:50

Glindara · 04/01/2023 00:35

Like father like son.

What sort of family holiday involves you looking after a baby and a toddler in the snow alone whilst your DH fucks off on the snow all day?

Show quote history

I booked the holiday for him

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 00:51

Pallisers · 04/01/2023 00:44

My dad if alive would be late 90s. He didn't think like this. DH almost 60 doesn't think like this. This has nothing to do with age and every thing to do with your FIL being a bit of a plonker and seeing family life as some sort of zero sum game of who is having it harder. (really not good for a marriage)

Next time he says anything like this just look him in the eye and say "you have NO idea how lucky your son is to have me" and then turn to your husband and expect him to defend you.

Like just shut your FIL down. If he persists say "omg FIL you are SO dating yourself with this man of the house thing - sounds way older than you are" or ignore or make a joke.

His opinion is nothing to you. It is just annoying noise in a conversation so shut it down.

I hope your DH appreciates you.

I like that advice thank you.

And yes he does appreciate me 💕

Tigertigertigertiger · 04/01/2023 00:52

Is it harder to be home with kids or harder to go out to work ?
There’s no definitive answer , it depends on so many factors .

in my case my paid employment was much harder. But I would not have wanted one of my parents to say so in front of my stay at home husband.

Whatever. Your FIL should butt out.

Glindara · 04/01/2023 00:54

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 00:50

I booked the holiday for him

Show quote history

Name change fail……

What did you as a family get out of this holiday?

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2023 00:57

My father is 73 and he doesnt think like this. Well, he doesnt now.....not sure about when we were kids. He was a fucking useless father when we were young, he worked shifts, ran a couple of clubs so when he was home he was usually asleep. Then he started a job that meant a lot of travel and time away from home. It wasnt until we were older and he got health issues that he realised that him being so detatched meant that Ma, Dsis and I all had lives that didnt involve him at all. It was a real shock to him that my mother had such an active social life and didnt simply drop it all to accomodate him and his boredom, she also kept on working when he was medically retired. I dont think he had the entitlement your FIL had/has though, he was just bloody thoughtless and selfish and it didnt occur to him that he couldnt just do what he wanted. He didnt get it from his own father I know that, my DGF was looking after a severely disabled wife plus their 5 kids from his mid thirties plus working full time. There were no gender stereotyped roles there!

He took on (well.....was pretty much forced into) all the household tasks and only then did be being to appreciate just what she had done all those years. Not just running the home but bringing us up and working too.

He would very quickly smack down anyone who said that in his presence, shame it took him so long to realise though.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/01/2023 00:58

DH will be 58 this month. I am the main breadwinner and he was a SAHD for a while. So no not all 60 year old men are like this unless DH has a personality transplant in the next couple of years.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/01/2023 01:06

Partly because at my wedding when told he had to make a speech he stood up and said "My son has married a fantastic woman and is lucky to have her as has his brother." and he toasted his daughters in law.

Am I being dim here, or was he making quite an off-colour joke there?!

My uncle is approaching 80, has never married, no children of his own and is very 'eccentric'. Had he been born more recently, we think it's highly likely he would have been diagnosed with ASD (as others in the family), but no way of knowing for sure. He expresses a much greater appreciation of the realities of looking after children in reference to his grand DNs and their respective parents than your FIL does!

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 01:06

Glindara · 04/01/2023 00:54

Name change fail……

What did you as a family get out of this holiday?

Show quote history

Yes I can't get back onto my previous account!

Evenings together. I thought it would be fun. It wasn't. I still insisted he went snowboarding because we had spent the money to go