To tell my FIL to fuck off

[Relevancyiskey]

Does anyone else's FIL constantly act as if their son has the hardest life imaginable and deserves all the breaks in the world?

He has recently started making comments about how DH needs to find more time for himself and I should "let him". Keep in mind I'm a SAHM and also rarely get time for myself as we have a baby and toddler. We were even out to dinner last week and my husband was complimenting me on my hard work (i've been struggling recently) and FIL starting talking about how going out to work is harder than staying at home. I've done both and can assure you it's fucking not.
In the same sentence FIL started talking about how all through DH and BIL childhood he would go running for 2-3 hours every evening. He said and I quote "He still needs to do things for himself" yeah not 15-20 hours a week... we went on a holiday entirely dedicated to DH hobby (snowboarding) only a month ago where he got to snowboard all week and I looked after the children. FILs comment "I was glad you finally got to go, you deserved a break where you didn't have to think about the children".

Do I just have to suck this up? Is this a common trait in 60 year old men and I just need to accept things were different 30 years ago? Is it even that bad or am I just oversensitive?

it's an old man thing. They all (mostly) wind up being the same.

he's a twat
why spend any time in his company?
if DH wats to see FiL he can do it without you having to endure his company.

Yeah my FIL has started with this shit recently.
I turned to him a few days ago, and said, yes he does work hard, but its easier than being at home. I might actually swap with him next week and go to work instead for a break.

He forgets, I do the exact same job as DH, and it is a far easier day.
Good your H is also being fairly supportive, that's the only way to get his father to shut up.
My H groaned and said, last time we swapped duties it was 3pm before I had a mug of tea!!

If you read the thread you would see that that isnt true. Also, 6o ish isnt old.

Its not an age thing, its a dickhead thing. I know men who cheerfully subscribe to that POV (and again you see it on MN) who are much much younger. The only thing they have in common? They are misogynistic arseholes.

That's the sort of thing my FIL would say.

I went no contact about nine or ten years ago. My husband still sees them but that's his choice. I don't want to!

@Relevancyiskey

This is most certainly not a thing and I know this because my husband is nearly 63 and would never say anything so effing stupid, because he knows I would kill him and he might not recover from that!

Parenting 24/7 is bloody hard work (which maybe why some mothers prefer to go out to work and have a nanny or childminder to help with the heavy lifting) and your FIL is a twit because he A) has proven by opening his mouth so stupidly that he never really understood that challenges his wife was dealing with and B) has proven as per A) that he never actually did any childcare! Which might have been the way for fathers born in the 1940’s but certainly not (and I feel like I can speak with some authority as I observed my own DH and his mates) for fathers born in the 1960’s.

Next time he’s spewing such rubbish forth, shame him! Say very sweetly and in your own words “I really feel for you FIL because it must’ve been awful never spending time with DH and BIL when they were little” and when he says he did, call that BS out by responding “oh sorry, it’s just that the way you talk about parenting young children, which is a lot of heavy lifting, I just kind of thought that you didn’t have a lot of input, that’s all”, and shrug and smile at him. Then follow up by saying to Dh, with that smile “DH loves the minimal amount of time he’s able to spend with DC between work and snowboarding on holiday, but next vacation it’s my turn to choose a holiday, so he’ll be able to do more childcare then!” And DH is either going to out himself as a twit a là FIL or will have to say “of course”, even if it’s just with gritted teeth!

Ah, also, I don’t mean to infer that working mothers don’t love their babies but sometimes, it’s nice to have that little time away, even if at work, where you can focus in something else. And I don’t mean to infer anything about SAHM either!

I’ve done both SAHM and work, as I was lucky to do 12 hour shifts in an NHS hospital so worked 4 days one week and 3 the next so spent lots of time at home as well, and working was a darn sight easier than being a SAHM!

Just start saying things like 'what is it about having a penis that makes you come out with these out -dated notions!?

I had a nuclear argument with my FIL when he attacked me in a similar way. My DH is very “hands on” and doesn’t want to miss a minute, which is amazing but I’m more relaxed and so it always appears as though he’s doing everything. We split all chores and both work. DH still has always played sport all weekend etc. I was at home with both children when they were little and I can categorically say that work was a piece of piss in comparison. I’m a lawyer.
I believe it is a generational thing, my dad can be similar. FIL’s wife and mum did everything for him, he just worked. Unfortunately for my FIL I’d had enough and fought back and told him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was unacceptable . He’s always been respectful since then but I keep my distance.

I've thought a lot about it since and how fucking unfair it all is. For instance, our friends had a party for their son and the mum spent the entire time doing the cake, sorting out party bags, playing with the children/doing the party etcetera. The husband spent the entire time drinking beer and talking to friends and having a relaxed time. Nobody batted an eyelid. I said to my husband imagine if those roles were reversed - everybody would be talking about the Mum. People would judge her. They would pretend they didn’t but they would.

it also might be worth you taking mil away as a special treat for 24 hours and DH staying with FIL. Maybe DH could go for a 3 hour run? Leave FOL in charge. He needs a dose of reality.

“n the same sentence FIL started talking about how all through DH and BIL childhood he would go running for 2-3 hours every evening”

2-3 hours of running a night?!
what was he a professional standard runner or running to his mistress every night?

Whilst I’d love some me time, 2-3 hours out the house away from his family a night just seems odd and too much. His poor wife.

From my experience (DD just turned 30) parenting of young children in the 90s was pretty much as today. Most decent fathers would get stuck in and be hands on with parenting.

My father on the other hand cheerfully admits that he never changed a nappy! This would have been in the sixties.

Your FIL is just a dinosaur, I'm afraid and quite selfish and misogynistic. Two or 3 hour runs every evening, poor MIL! He is trying to encourage his son to be the same way and I'm sorry to say that he seems to have succeeded to a certain extent. You will just have to try and counteract his bad influence on your DP.

It’s small-dick stuff, trying to assert his masculinity and by extension of him, his son’s.

It’s dull as fuck, even having to listen to the male ego witter on. Just get on with your life happy that you can figuratively mute him when he goes off on one.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid. What do most men understand about giving birth and staying at home with the kids anyway? He clearly didn't do it. Pay no attention to this man.

My MIL was like this. Really felt the need to advocate for DH within the marriage while treating him like crap otherwise. Feel to pieces complementing him every time he lifted a finger in our home or for the baby, making it very clear she thought I was lazy if he do much as stirred his own tea.

Why is FIL so involved in your lives?

Just dont bloody tell him so much.

60 isnt old

Agreed. Stop giving him information. How often do you see him?

His views are irrelevant and badly informed (he has no basis for comparison between working and looking after children; you do). The next time he starts banging on, why not let your boredom show on your face? Talk over him if you like. He's not being polite, why should you?

Ask him to babysit all day and night then see what he has to say!!

If he's in his 60s he was raising his kids in the 1990s not the 1890s! He's just a prat who is trying to use "back in my day" as an excuse for his own shitty parenting.

I’m 53 and DH is 58 neither of us are decrepit pensioners thinking old thoughts. Our teenagers would take the piss mercilessly if we were wandering around spouting rubbish like the FIL. Nice bit of ageism though.

FIL starting talking about how going out to work is harder than staying at home
"How would YOU know? Anyone who reckons that has obviously never done it."

"You're right! That's why DH is taking over, I'm going back to work because he needs a break, 'just' staying at home raising the children."

Christ the words of one of the posters here that says 'What sort of holiday would involve you being alone with kids while the fucks off in the snow all day' are a wake up call.

DO NOT FORGET ABOUT YOUR OWN HOBBIES, INTERESTS, YOU

Don't let all these dickhead men walk all over you. Start making a plan of some return to work when the kids are at school (even if it is working school hours, with holidays at an actual school). Get on even ground where you are both in the same boat, otherwise I am afraid this looks like a dangerous expoitative environment for you. Imagine - when the kids do go to school what the hell will they say then? That you sit at home all day. If they are doing it now, they will be doing it then. There are lots of pat time roles in admin, marketing, finance, teaching, seriously, start planning.

Honour yourself as much as you honour your husband and you can not go wrong.

And stop apologising for being ALIVE. This snowboarding holiday is a mindfuck. Never again. Say that it's really important you choose something for everyone next time around. Stuff his hobbies.

No, I'd be correcting him each and every time.