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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School bully online styling herself as a 'hoilistic coach and yoga teacher'

151 replies

warofthemonstertrucks · 03/01/2023 16:41

I've just happened on a long Facebook post from her about self reflection, being kind to yourself, finding inner peace, being kind and a lot more about how she has everything she always wanted ' 3 kids, a quiet life and a country home'....

This woman terrorised me and alot of other girls in our year, one to the point of suicide attempt.
She was high as a kite half the time. Inner peace and nature! Mate!

I know I would be really, but would I be being Unreasonable to reply to her post and ask her what advice she would give someone whose self esteem had been so decimated my bullies that it blighted the rest of their life until they got decent therapy?

I get that People can change and everyone has to make a living but the smug/preachy tone of her post has made me so cross!!

OP posts:
MulberryMoon · 03/01/2023 16:44

I think it would be ok to write that to her

Dryandirriatble · 03/01/2023 16:46

Actually I think that's a very reasonable thing to say. I don't know that it will achieve anything, but you and she will get it, whilst it appears neutral to others. Do you still have the name she knows you by?

Hardbackwriter · 03/01/2023 16:46

Just unfollow/block. Clearly it's not nice for you to see this stuff but what do you think should happen, there should be some sort of test relating to how kind you were as a 15 year old before you're allowed to change career? Perhaps she has indeed self-reflected, gained maturity and developed as a person?

MiddleParking · 03/01/2023 16:47

I really wouldn’t. It will not make you feel better.

stairgates · 03/01/2023 16:47

Yep, go for it. She should have used the social media to message her victims and try apologise

Hardbackwriter · 03/01/2023 16:47

Sorry, I didn't answer your direct question - I think if you write that you wouldn't be unreasonable but the odds are quite low of it turning out in a way you find satisfying and quite high that you'll be left feeling angrier or more frustrated, so I don't think it's likely to be a good idea.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 03/01/2023 16:48

I wouldn't, not because you don't have a right to feel aggrieved, but because I don't think you'd get the response you are looking for. She is likely to simply block you and her followers (presumably she has a following?) are likely to have a go at you. You won't be able to make someone like this have a revelation.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 03/01/2023 16:48

I know the right answer is take the high road and ignore her but I would be tempted to leave the comment and let it put people off
Using her services

FromTheFront2theBack · 03/01/2023 16:49

I don't think I'd forgive her on your position but equally of she was as high as a kite sounds like she was a teenager in a lot of turmoil at the time so it's more than possible she has actually done work on herself.

That said her post sounds smug and annoying rather than genuinely sharing her redemption on order to help other people.

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/01/2023 16:49

Oh absolutely. I bet she is still a bully too.

Dryandirriatble · 03/01/2023 16:52

It doesn't make it OK, but it's entirely possible that's she's needed therapy herself to recover from her own childhood. It's amazing how many counsellors/lifestyle coaches etc have come to their career choice through seeking help for their own trauma.

I've never met a childhood bully who wasn't suffering things most of us can't imagine. So possibly, I need to take back my first response!

TiredButAlive · 03/01/2023 16:52

I tracked down online the girl who made my life utter hell at school. I guess I hoped she was in prison or an utter failure in life. Nope .... successful legal career and a life overseas that looked pretty damn perfect. I wondered what her friends and colleagues would think of her if they knew what she was like. I decided to just drop it and keep my feelings in the past. Everyone can change and forgiveness truly helps the forgiver more than the forgiven. Move on.

Lincolnremain · 03/01/2023 16:53

She probably had a shit life. Lots of people who take drugs when they're young find some kind of revelation later on and it sounds like she's found her healingZ
Sorry she did that to you though

CherryBlossom321 · 03/01/2023 16:55

So many bullies do this. Reinvent themselves, and brush off what they’ve done to others as if it never happened. I question whether they truly have the peace they claim to have.

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/01/2023 16:56

@Dryandirriatble

Not always. Sometimes they’re just horribly entitled bullies with dominant parents who are often the same. It’s usually the bullied that end up in therapy. Many counsellors have faced their own trauma but usually because they’ve been on the receiving end. I know, I work in that field. I don’t have much sympathy for bullies and I never will to be honest. I also don’t hold much faith that they change either. They usually just adapt a more passive aggressive approach in adulthood whilst pretending to be good people.

Lincolnremain · 03/01/2023 16:58

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/01/2023 16:56

@Dryandirriatble

Not always. Sometimes they’re just horribly entitled bullies with dominant parents who are often the same. It’s usually the bullied that end up in therapy. Many counsellors have faced their own trauma but usually because they’ve been on the receiving end. I know, I work in that field. I don’t have much sympathy for bullies and I never will to be honest. I also don’t hold much faith that they change either. They usually just adapt a more passive aggressive approach in adulthood whilst pretending to be good people.

You don't sound like an ideal therapist if you're so judgemental and have no faith in people's ability to change

mummypie17 · 03/01/2023 16:58

Do you think she could have changed? I'm definitely not the same person that I was as a teen. I wasn't a bully but rather the person who got bullied. I used to cry easily and was very passive. I'm now a confident person and mentor youths (the opposite of how I was in secondary school).

whatsupluckyducky · 03/01/2023 16:59

You’ll probably have lots of people say you should leave it in the past but actually, I think it can be quite cathartic and empowering to say something so it’s definitely something I would consider doing. Good luck x

Biscuitbabe87 · 03/01/2023 16:59

Do not do this. We have all done awful things in our past, she is probably mortified about this from her past. At the time, when she was still a child she was probably going through inner turmoil that lead to her bullying others or she was being abused/bullied herself- you have no idea! Let it be, there's every chance she could have changed, trying to destroy her business will only make you look bitter. You were at school ffs, people are allowed to change and develop as people.

Lincolnremain · 03/01/2023 16:59

CherryBlossom321 · 03/01/2023 16:55

So many bullies do this. Reinvent themselves, and brush off what they’ve done to others as if it never happened. I question whether they truly have the peace they claim to have.

How do you know they've brushed it off? What do you want them to do? Walk around flagellating themself so everyone knows they feel shit about what they've done

Dryandirriatble · 03/01/2023 17:01

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/01/2023 16:56

@Dryandirriatble

Not always. Sometimes they’re just horribly entitled bullies with dominant parents who are often the same. It’s usually the bullied that end up in therapy. Many counsellors have faced their own trauma but usually because they’ve been on the receiving end. I know, I work in that field. I don’t have much sympathy for bullies and I never will to be honest. I also don’t hold much faith that they change either. They usually just adapt a more passive aggressive approach in adulthood whilst pretending to be good people.

I'd argue that if they had dominant bully parents they probably did have plenty of trauma in their childhood

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/01/2023 17:01

@Lincolnremain

Who said I was a therapist? I work with therapists yes but I am not one myself. You’re right though, I don’t have much empathy for ex bullies. I save it for the people who were bullied.

Hardbackwriter · 03/01/2023 17:02

whatsupluckyducky · 03/01/2023 16:59

You’ll probably have lots of people say you should leave it in the past but actually, I think it can be quite cathartic and empowering to say something so it’s definitely something I would consider doing. Good luck x

It won't be cathartic if she gets a response that makes her feel belittled, dismissed or laughed at (and getting no response at all might feel like that), which I think is more likely than either a satisfying comeuppance or an apology that brings the OP genuine resolution.

Lincolnremain · 03/01/2023 17:03

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/01/2023 17:01

@Lincolnremain

Who said I was a therapist? I work with therapists yes but I am not one myself. You’re right though, I don’t have much empathy for ex bullies. I save it for the people who were bullied.

Oh that makes more sense

Lilliflip · 03/01/2023 17:04

Lincolnremain · 03/01/2023 16:59

How do you know they've brushed it off? What do you want them to do? Walk around flagellating themself so everyone knows they feel shit about what they've done

Show quote history

Well some kind of admittance of previous bullying and apology would be appropriate in this circumstance, but it’s unlikely to be forthcoming.
Ive seen FB posts along the lines of ‘I hate bullies …’ posted by people from school who were the biggest bullies, whose kids are presumably being bullied. It’s like their own memories of the misery they inflicted on everyone else have now been erased 🤷‍♀️