School bully online styling herself as a 'hoilistic coach and yoga teacher'

[warofthemonstertrucks]

I've just happened on a long Facebook post from her about self reflection, being kind to yourself, finding inner peace, being kind and a lot more about how she has everything she always wanted ' 3 kids, a quiet life and a country home'....

This woman terrorised me and alot of other girls in our year, one to the point of suicide attempt.
She was high as a kite half the time. Inner peace and nature! Mate!

I know I would be really, but would I be being Unreasonable to reply to her post and ask her what advice she would give someone whose self esteem had been so decimated my bullies that it blighted the rest of their life until they got decent therapy?

I get that People can change and everyone has to make a living but the smug/preachy tone of her post has made me so cross!!

I think you should seek support regarding your experiences and low self esteem- the impact of bullying is huge and it’s likely you haven’t moved on or healed.
As for the lady, I don’t think messaging her is going to be advantageous. She’s probably done a lot of work on herself- most bullies are bullied and I’d bet she’s had a lot to heal from herself. She’s not the same person as all of those years ago. Joe many of us still identify with our teenage self?

So in your head the way people were when they were teenagers is the way they forever will be, is that correct? They will never mature, never change, will never reach a turning point or a milestone, will never have remorse and regret about their past actions. Is that correct? I am not bringing up excuses for her and I don’t know what she did to those around her but you seem adamant that she is the very same person she was at 11-17. So based on that you are itching to shame her on a social website publicly.
Instead you can try and give some credit to people and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe she is still horrible. Who knows? But what if she changed? If she has three children she is probably in her late 30s, so not exactly a teenager anymore.

I agree with this. It's like people who were awful to their parents as teens, they grow up and mostly feel mortified they behaved like such shits. There will always be some people who carry on being a bully or an arsehole into adulthood, but also many won't. If someone still is a bully, you're not going to get anywhere by confronting them anyway, apart from maybe back to that place of fear and powerlessness. It's best to just move on from these things and not give that person the satisfaction of knowing that they have done so much damage that you still carry it with you.

This is the best response I have read! A heartwarming lesson for everyone here

I fully agree when it comes to people like Lola who turn their lives around; but don't kid yourself that the majority of bullies mature, see the error of their former ways and demonstrate contrition.

Most of them either don't care about what they did, accuse their victim of exaggerating or making it up or otherwise, it's so intrinsic to their nature, they never even realise that they did anything wrong in the first place.

I was never a bully but I know I am not anywhere near the person I was when I was in school 16 years ago I’m a mature adult now and I’d hate to think anybody would judge me based on decisions I made as a child/teenager

If she really has changed, she should have reflected on her life, and on how she behaved as a teenager - the OP has said she knew full well the damage she was doing at the time - and she would surely have made some effort to apologise or make amends to the people she hurt back then. As I said earlier, to @Lincolnremain, even if she couldn’t contact each one individually, she could make a general apology on her social media. That would be better than nothing.

It’s not the bullying as a teenager that makes her a bad person now - it’s the lack of effort as an adult, to make up for the harm she caused.

So in your head the way people were when they were teenagers is the way they forever will be, is that correct? They will never mature, never change, will never reach a turning point or a milestone, will never have remorse and regret about their past actions. Is that correct? I am not bringing up excuses for her and I don’t know what she did to those around her but you seem adamant that she is the very same person she was at 11-17. So based on that you are itching to shame her on a social website publicly.
Instead you can try and give some credit to people and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe she is still horrible. Who knows? But what if she changed? If she has three children she is probably in her late 30s, so not exactly a teenager anymore.

Nowhere has OP suggested that the woman is still a bully - how could she know?

OP writes "This woman terrorised me and alot of other girls in our year, one to the point of suicide attempt." and "someone whose self esteem had been so decimated my bullies that it blighted the rest of their life until they got decent therapy?"

Are you saying that it's fine for the bully to just walk away unscathed and quite possibly ignorant of the devastation that they caused, on the grounds that 'they may have changed' - but their victims just have to live with the severe long-term pain that they caused, and in fact, they're quite bad eggs for even wanting to make any mention of it or seek any kind of closure?

X-posted with SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius there.

@Thatboymum

But that’s the thing, you said it yourself. You was not a bully. There is not one person on this thread who has admitted to being a bully. I find that interesting. There’s been a few “I wasn’t a nice person, I was passive aggressive”, followed by “but I wasn’t a bully”.

Bullies are a strange breed and it’s the minority in my opinion that grow out of it and mature into reasonable people. Many just carry it on albeit in a different form into adulthood. They bully their family or colleagues etc. As a teenager whilst you’re no where near adult levels of maturity, most are reasonable enough not to bully multiple people and drive at least one to attempt suicide. That behaviour signals severe pathology that often does carry on into adulthood.

Private message her. Don’t do it publicly. I get it. I was bullied horrifically through high school, to the point I didn’t even have 1 friend left. Those bullies ruined years of my childhood & left scars. Unfortunately I have found people like this do not change. They simply don’t care, too self important. She probably hasn’t even given it a second thought. I’ve never heard anyone say I was a bully & im ashamed. I’m sorry this happened to you Op. don’t do it publicly & give her the opportunity to bully you once again

I would leave it op tempting as it must be Best revenge is living well. I wish M & H could see this. Toxic anger just hurts you in the end. Release by enjoying your life and counting your blessings is the way forward

I've said I'm willing to accept she may have changed. And that I won't be posting anything. It was just galling for about ten minutes!

I'd message her if she the nast human who made several friends life hell.....

It always seems to be the biggest assholes posting positive affirmations and be kind crap on SM doesn't it.

You can always just respond with a laughing emoji where the like button is.

There’s been a few “I wasn’t a nice person, I was passive aggressive”, followed by “but I wasn’t a bully”.

Schools still do that a lot. They always have a robust policy for dealing with bullies, but, would you believe it, they 'luckily' haven't ever had any bullying in their school....

I sometimes wonder just how nasty a bully has to be before a school will acknowledge it as actual bullying and not just 'a couple of issues' and deal with the bullies sufficiently - especially amongst girl bullies, who are often wilier about it and use emotional torment rather than more visible physical violence.

I completely agree with you @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I have no good memories of primary school due to bullying. Not one. I still feel the aftereffects of that bullying - I find it very hard to trust friendships.

I really don't care if the bullies have managed to talk themselves into believing that they've changed (and most don't - they manage to justify it to themselves then and now). I don't particularly care if they now see themselves as good people. They made my childhood miserable.

And the whole essentially victim blaming - 'ooh, bullies always have their own issues'? Crock of shit, sorry. It's simply untrue in the vast majority of cases and is yet another way to deflect blame away from the bully.

A pp made a good point about any action taken against bullying being to the advantage of the bully. The victim is almost a side note.

Yes name and shame

Absolutely this!

People fall over themselves on MN to tell everyone how the bully is probably a nice person/ was unhappy/ was a victim their self, etc., etc., and that OP should "just" (its always "just"...) forget the hell their bully put them through.

What a load of bollocks.

Get stuck in, OP. Make sure other people know what she is. She deserves it.

I mean I totally get people advising not to reply but to just assume everyone grows up and becomes a good person is, well…. very optimistic.

Of course not every poorly behaved child grows up to be a decent adult.

But if it was me I’d rather see someone trying to do good as an adult, then see them still being a dick.

I’d also advise against messaging them as if you have an idea of the response you want to get eg “I’m so sorry” and they don’t give it to you then you’re going to feel even worse.

Imagine them replying saying they don’t know who you are, or that they were never a bully or that you were the bully etc.

A pp made a good point about any action taken against bullying being to the advantage of the bully. The victim is almost a side note.

This 100%. The bully is always the one who needs kindness, help and understanding and gently leading to consider possibly trying to decide if they'd like to start making better choices; their victim whom they've left battered or contemplating suicide is just treated as a neutral symptom in the bully's story.

If she's got any business sense she'd take payment on booking.

Not endorsing her past behaviour - just an observation

Bullies are people who get their jollies from making others miserable. Or not caring if they do.

The ones I have encountered as an adult are just the same as when I was a child. Maybe a few change but most are not self aware but self orientated.

Blessings for her business etc

I’d leave a review. Sounds like a nasty bitch.

It's the ones who post hashtag be kind on their face book are usually the biggest bitches you ever meet