School bully online styling herself as a 'hoilistic coach and yoga teacher'

[warofthemonstertrucks]

I've just happened on a long Facebook post from her about self reflection, being kind to yourself, finding inner peace, being kind and a lot more about how she has everything she always wanted ' 3 kids, a quiet life and a country home'....

This woman terrorised me and alot of other girls in our year, one to the point of suicide attempt.
She was high as a kite half the time. Inner peace and nature! Mate!

I know I would be really, but would I be being Unreasonable to reply to her post and ask her what advice she would give someone whose self esteem had been so decimated my bullies that it blighted the rest of their life until they got decent therapy?

I get that People can change and everyone has to make a living but the smug/preachy tone of her post has made me so cross!!

This!

Shame her in front of her followers. Why not?

@Dryandirriatble

I don’t dispute that really but often in services the bully does get more sympathy overall. Reminds me of when I worked in a pastoral role in a secondary school. It was always, always the bully who got the most help and never the bullied. It was tiresome and frustrating. The help never did seem to work either. Not surprising really.

Can a bully change? Of course, but often they don’t. They continue to bully their way through life. Love the optimism on here though.

I wasn’t very nice at school. I never physically hurt anyone, and I didn’t name call or overtly ‘bully’ but I did undermine people who I was supposed to be friends with and put them down to make myself look/ seem/ feel better. I had crippling insecurities and self doubt and this was something I just did without considering how it affected others, only how it could ‘help’ me. Years down the line and after a lot of self reflection I am both horrified and mortified about what I did. Two people I know I was quite unkind to I have apologised to but I don’t think it’s enough. I’m really ashamed and embarrassed but I can say, hand on heart, that I’m not that person any more. I look back at how I was and how I’ve treated people and I try every day to be a better, kinder and nicer person.

all this is to say, sometimes people can change. Sometimes they can learn from the mistakes from their past and while they can’t change the past they can try and be better in the future, and yes, even try and help others. I don’t know what this girl did to you, I don’t know if she’s ever acknowledged it but I don’t think calling her out on it now would make you feel better OP. Just be happy in the knowledge that you’re a decent honest person and a good friend x

Do not do this. We have all done awful things in our past, she is probably mortified about this from her past. At the time, when she was still a child she was probably going through inner turmoil that lead to her bullying others or she was being abused/bullied herself- you have no idea!

She may be mortified or she may not have the faintest clue that what she did was in anyway wrong. It's surprising how easily a lot of bullies will dismiss or minimise - even full-on DARVO - their own previous actions.

Yes, it sounds like she was a victim, but that in no way excuses turning that on to innocent third-parties and continuing the victimisation cycle.

Go for it OP. More often than not it’s once a bully always a bully. Even if it doesn’t achieve anything it’ll be interesting to see her response and helpful if you feel it’d provide closure in a way.

I don’t think you can hold people responsible for their whole lives for stuff they did before their pre-frontal cortex was properly developed. There’s a reasonable chance she’s changed. She might not have done though, so it would be interesting to see how she responded to your message!

@Lincolnremain

Were you a bully? Or are you just here to “educate” us all on the bullies “trauma”. Yawn.

Speak for yourself. Not everyone has done awful things in their past at all

She didn't have a shit life by any stretch. Well off family, still very close to her parents and brother if her fb feed pictures are to be Believed. Very pretty, good at sports.
Some people are just mean-it's not all down to abuse etc.

I won't post on it. No good could come if it. And in fact I haven't thought about her for years which is the best outcome for me. But it didn't half annoy me!

I don’t think you can hold people responsible for their whole lives for stuff they did before their pre-frontal cortex was properly developed.

Maybe not - but she will almost certainly be making money now in 'coaching' people whose problems (including being bullied) began long before their own pfc had fully developed.

Well I wasn't the nicest I suppose. I do regret how I treated a couple of people. I was being abused at home. I now do volunteering in a night shelter and my day job is in helping people with substance misuse issues. I am a good friend and never judge other people.

You might be right, but you can't possibly know. I work with troubled teens and some families are very good at hiding what goes on behind closed doors or her trauma could have happened outside the home.

How long ago was this? That would affect what response I would have.

I'd be tempted to other actions, such as if the drug taking was the level you indicate, reporting her to the DVLA if you have any reason to believe that she drives a car.

Commenting on her Facebook posting could be seen as some form of bitterness akin to the kind of bad hotel review that is left because someone does not get a refund or other discount.

Grow up.

What is it you want from her OP?

Do you want revenge? Do you want genuine closure?

Think about that and the method of communication you might use ie a public comment (to "shame" her?) or a private message to her (if you seek closure?)

Be prepared you might not get what you want but ultimately it would be healthier to wish her well and hope she is on a genuine
path now. It sounds like it if she has taken these steps to now help others, she must have done considerable work on herself to get here?

Most people I know who have set themselves up as “holistic coaches and yoga teachers” are still very much mean girls, and have set themselves up in that career to have more opportunities to put themselves on pedestals above everyone else - I notice she hasn’t actually trained as a therapist, she’s just a self-taught expert on how everyone else around her is living their life wrong?

So I wouldn’t message her, because she is almost certainly still a massive bitch.

I was searching for counselling for my DS and unexpectedly found one of my old school bullies has trained and set herself up as a therapist. I mean great if she's turned things around, but obviously I wouldn't dream of ever using her. I suppose everyone has a past though and maybe she had regrets and worked through what she did that lead her to her profession. Always a shock seeing these types of things! I didn't comment on her post but I'd be interested in her response to you if you do OP!

I can't know for sure no. But her and the five friends she was in a group with were all absolutely horrible to a lot of people some of whom were destroyed and others who went on to really struggle. I think it unlikely they were all being abused at home.

They could apologise to the people they bullied, @Lincolnremain. If they can’t apologise to each one in person, they could make a public apology.

If this person really has undergone a journey of self reflection, it should have shown her not only how whatever she was going through affected her, and how to heal from that, but also how her behaviour affected other people, and what she needs to do to try to make that right too.

I speak as the victim of bullies. I was having suicidal thoughts at age 14-ish, because I’d been bullied continuously since I was 10, and it went on for another two or more years. The bullying largely stopped when I was 16, and we all left school and went to sixth form college, but sadly by then the damage was done. Depression, low self esteem and anxiety have blighted my life ever since. I’m nearly 60 now, and thanks to antidepressants and therapy, I am doing better, but the damage will never go away.

I think OP is probably right here to 'go high' and ignore it; but I find it interesting how many people are eager to 'forget' and dismiss actions that bullies did when they were only young and still at school, but never so keen to address the often life-long trauma that the first lot of people's bullying left their victims with, who were also only the same age at the time.

So when she was at school and now you want to do this? Move on and block

She knows and knew at the time the effect she was having on people.

And it was widespread. And she must know some of this same people will see her posts and career change.
I'm willing to accept she may have changed and has regrets but it takes some front to set yourself up in that career, publicly and not so much as acknowledge it I think...

Are you the same person you were as a child or teenager? I know I'm not. I bet the girls who bullied me aren't, either.

Commenting on her Facebook posting could be seen as some form of bitterness akin to the kind of bad hotel review that is left because someone does not get a refund or other discount.

How is that analogous, though? It's not a binary option at school to either be besties with somebody or to bully them; it's perfectly valid and normal to not really interact with some classmates any more than necessary if you don't really have anything in common with them.

@Lincolnremain

So you wasn’t the nicest? There’s a difference to “not being particularly very nice” to bullying a number of different individuals and driving one to near suicide like the OPs description. Furthermore, then going on to coach individuals that have potentially been bullied in the past.

It is an absolute fact that there are some frightening therapists about that shouldn’t be anywhere near vulnerable individuals. Huge problem in the industry to be honest.