MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Mil sounds quite manipulative to me.
They did the room up without discussing your dc stopping over, but then try to make you feel bad about it because you said you are not ready for sleepovers yet?!

4 months old is still so young - especially since you a breastfeeding, but tbh, I wouldn’t have my dc stopping overnight even if they were bottle bed.

I see it a lot on mn, I don’t really understand grandparents being desperate to have small babies overnight? Why can’t they just see them during the day? Why is a sleepover necessary?

Your mil is putting her own needs and wants first before yours and dc - that’s a big no-no from me, especially commenting to your dh about the breastfeeding.

'A baby does not need sleepovers ffs it's a baby not a dolly for grandma to play with'
This ^ mine had her first sleepover at 2 and that was because we went to a child free wedding nearby, now she's 6 she's been looked after plenty by both sets of grandparents for an evening but hasn't had another sleepover without us

You could turn her own comment back on her:
MIL - you said I shouldn't breastfeed for longer than necessary so per WHO guidelines I will be EBF for 6 months and then continuing to breastfeed alongside weaning until dd is at least 2 years old. We will discuss sleepovers again then

Tongue in cheek - but would love to see her bat that one away...

I bf'd both mine and neither of them had a sleepover until they were over 2. Although first time my Dsis stayed with dd here whilst DH & I were away for 1 night

You think what she said is appropriate?

War involves two equal sides.
This wouldn't be war. It would be a dictatorship.

They can abide and follow or get nothing.

No way would I allow this and definitely not 1-2 times sleepovers a week ever. Neither my own mum or MIL would be allowed this though. Regardless of how great a grandparent is if a child spends a significant amount of time particularly lots of sleepovers often the grandparent take on a child rearing role and become a parent figure in the child's eyes. This can mean confusing boundaries for the child and if the grandparent is controlling it can lead to them effectively taking over and looking for more and more control and wanting more and more time with the child. I have seen this over and over in a professional and personal capacity and unfortunately often what happens is the parents don't realise how controlling the grandparent is and that the child is now viewing the grandparent as a parent so don't stop it as they think it's a loving bond. Obviously many grandparents have a healthy, loving and normal grandparent relationship with there grandchildren but given your MIL is already trying to be controlling over your DD she may well try overstep the mark.

Omg I thought you said she was 4 and I realised she’s actually 4 MONTHS. That’s insane and way too soon. Stand your ground.

She's off her rocker. Why would you do that and show it off as a surprise???

If you want to go out when she's a toddler and they babysit then maybe.

But as a regular occurrence? Is that how your DH grew up?

MIL seems to have forgotten that your baby is your baby, not hers!

Terrible advice.
The MIL needs to keep her beak out of OP’s bra.
Do not tie sleepovers to breastfeeding.

What? There's nothing to discuss. Honestly when someone is that pushy, just don't get into it. The answer is no.

It's interesting, I think this shows how different everyone is.

Having useless grandparents, I certainly wouldn't mind having this problem - someone I trust to look after DC. Happy to use formula and expressed/thawed breastmilk so wouldn't bother me.

That said DC was incredibly hard the first 6 months, so i cant imagine many being able babysit anyway. And as everyone's situation is distinct, I agree YANBU.

There no need to discuss it. That suggests she gets an input.

In your shoes I’d tell her you intend to practice extended breastfeeding. Until the child is 5 at the earliest. Perhaps longer.

Jeez!! I thought my ex MIL was batshit but yours wins hands down!

She's planned this all out.
She's decorated the room and done a big reveal to make it difficult for you to say no to sleepovers (because she's put so much money and time into it).
Don't forget you do not ask her to do this and she did not consult you beforehand. She wants you to feel really guilty if you say no, so that you then concede and say yes.
It's really manipulative and coercive.
No way would I let my child stay there and I feel that if if you do, the demands will get greater and greater.
Time to put a very firm foot down now.

Oh dear, your MIL is a loon!

Next text I would be sending her the World Health Organisation guiding principles for appropriate complementary feeding:
continue frequent, on-demand breastfeeding until 2 years of age or beyond

But give it a year or two and you will probably relish a night off 😉

I'd be jumping at the chance. More free time for you, and an improved bond with her grandparents (for baby's development a bond with 3 caregivers is optimal). Would cut off my right arm for someone who wanted to love and care for my child so much. My child's grandparents are mostly hands off.

OP your chap has done the right thing. Now you need to calmly sit down together and put together your thoughts on how to handle his mother when you speak with her on this issue. And be equally calm with her. Like others I've never heard about such interfering and self obssessed DMs and MiLS before coming on Mumsnet.

I’d be making it plain that as she’s interfering in your decisions (breastfeeding) that there will be no sleepovers. Let alone the presuming you’d let her go at 4 months!

At 4 months when your child is fully breastfed?

You want what you don’t have, really. I’d love to have someone like this nearby 😂 just break out the pump and then enjoy some rare me-time (ok and maybe couple time too)

I also think it's hilarious that she said your DH "mustn't allow you to continue breastfeeding". HAHAHAHAHA, yeah, it's up to him.....?!

Did she have a similar arrangement with her mother? I'm guessing probably not, so why does she have the idea she is entitled to so much alone time with your daughter when I bet she didn't do the same to her mother when your DH was a baby.

YANBU. My DD actually did stay with my parents at 4 months because I was comfortable with it and my parents were trustworthy and respected me as a parent. Your MIL sounds weirdly controlling and you’re not ready, so you’re absolutely right to tell her no.

She's batshit. Yadnbu x

Shocking! Who on earth are the 3% voting YABU, nightmare MILs?! She sounds absolutely horrendous. Is your H her only child? He needs to locate his backbone fast or I can see your relationship with her disintegrating and I wouldn't blame you (and it takes a lot for me to say that as I am usually sympathetic to the MIL cause!).