MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

I think some GP just get over excited when babies are born...! And some use it as an opportunity to show their envy or jealousy towards their DIL.

I'm super close to my mum. Exclusively expressed so my DC did take a bottle. No sleepovers at MIL or DM whilst they were babies. It simply wasn't necessary. Our children belong with us. Now they're at school they have had a couple of sleepovers at my mums and they love it. But they're old enough now to stay with Nana and not be sad that we're not there. Completely different when they're babies

I also thought you were going to say 4 years old, not 4 months! Even then, I think that’s probably too young unless you’re very close and in each other’s houses all the time as one of my friends does with her grandkids.

She’s daft and needs to wind her neck in. I’ve never had my grandkids sleep over alone and the oldest is 10yrs old although we live a long way apart so they all usually stay a few days when they visit.

After her awful comment about stopping you breastfeeding, it sounds like she needs reminding who’s the mum here.

4 months? I thought your were going you were going to say your dd was 4 years !
MIL has no rights to decide if or when your child will stay at her house. I just don’t get this “granny ownership” of children, and I’m a granny.

Just don't do it. My MIL asked me about sleepovers once when DD was a baby. I blurted out that the way I was feeling now I wanted her with me every night until she's 16yo. She's 2 now and I haven't changed my mind at all.

She can be miffed all she wants, children belong with their parents.

Also she must have known she was overstepping hence decorating the bedroom in secret and then springing it on you. Now she can use the 'hurt feelings' card. massively passive-aggressive move.

If my mil had sent such a text to dh I would have let rip.
Your baby is not a doll for mil to play with.
Shes had her turn at parenting.
Tell her that your baby will be breastfed as long as she wants and will not be leaving you until your ready to let her.

Blimey - the woman sounds bonkers! I'm a granny and waited for my DIL to ask if we'd have DGS to stay. He was probably around 3 and it was a favour to them and at that age, it was exciting for him (and me) as we had our own loving relationship. Your MIL sounds seriously weird and I wouldn't be leaving my child alone with her anytime soon, if ever. This sounds all about her and definitely not in your DD's interest. Perhaps when your DD is 15 and being a complete little shit, you can send her over to stay then😉

Could be or equally it could be lazy parents who palm their kids off on the grandparents to avail of child free week-ends. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Take a photo of the message, and screenshot it.
Have the photo printed and send it to her with a message that she is accusing you of planning to EBF for longer than necessary to prevent her from having DD stay overnight.

I guess you’d have labelled me lazy then. My boy loved going to his granny’s on his own and I was more than happy to let him go.

I don’t think the mil here is remotely reasonable though.

Your response makes no sense. 'Lazy parents' (as you call them!) presumably don't think it's acceptable to be told to stop formula/breastfeeding or accept the father being told to control the mother in something so fundamental. And they still aren't going to want to be emotionally blackmailed into doing something that is so clearly not beneficial for anyone but the MIL.

When I first saw 4, I thought it was 4 years and thought "fair enough, sounds nice", but 4 MONTHS?! Hell no. My two didn't even stay over at my OWN mothers until they were 2 yo!

They're nearly 6 now, and have never slept over at my DHs parents (who are divorced and live apart) without me or DH present. Granted, the ILs have never asked to have them though... Neither show a great deal of interest and only see the DC a couple of times a year.

She’s nuts but don’t burn bridges as future babysitting offers would be useful. My DD stayed overnight at my mums at 2 years olds by herself. Years later both my kids go for regular weekends and it’s great.

‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’

This statement alone is something only a batshit, nutter, weirdo GP would say. No sane GP would even think like that!

Quite surprised to hear grandkids shouldn't stay with GP's until they're 5 unless an emergency.

We've had all our grandkids for regular sleepovers since they were around 18 months/2 years. Works for all of us; our sons and DIL's work hard and they enjoy the break, we love having them, and the grandkids love staying with us (as well as with their other GP's). We're young, which helps I suppose. But genuinely believe the experience enriches all our lives.

OP's MIL is OTT and out of order, but we're not all batshit.

Babies are not supposed to sleep on their own for the first six months. If she doesn't know that, she may also not know about not putting them to sleep on their fronts, etc etc.

Breastfeed your baby for as long as you want. Your baby is intensely attached to you, your smell and milk and voice. To think you'd just plop the baby in a new environment with someone completely different and the baby would go off to sleep sweetly - well, it might work I suppose but a very likely outcome would be a distressed baby.

MIL sounds batshit, and as if she wants to take pics for social media rather than caring about baby's best interests. If you both wanted her to care for the baby, building up slowly over time during the day would be a better way to approach it.

No way, she’s mad and purely interested in herself, she doesn’t care what’s best for your DD (clearly breastfeeding for as long as you both want to and getting a decent nights sleep in a familiar place). Plus don’t even get me started on the unicorns and rainbows- what if your DD likes tractors and spiders? I’d be keeping her well away from MIL and no way even countenance overnights until she’s less batshit.

Tell her to back the fuck off. Your baby is not a doll for her to play with.

This is insane. My son is almost 2 and hasn’t had sleepovers yet and probably won’t for a while. The fact that she decorated a room without even asking you, and when your DD is only 4 months old is really weird?. Does she have a daughter of her own? It’s just with the pink Princess bedroom and wanting her 2 times a week maybe she’s making up for a daughter she didn’t have?

Do not discuss your breastfeeding decisions, absolutely none of her business.

Start pulling back.
See a lot less of her.
Put up boundaries, firm ones.

If you don't this will not end well.

As someone wrote, she's looking for custody!

Stop humouring her with politeness.

You husband needs to get very frosty with her.

Wow - massive boundary issue here. You need to set stuff in stone now or she'll take over. Decorating the room is odd, demanding sleepover for a 4 month old is properly bonkers. Seriously, knock this on the head now, and hard or it will be a constant nightmare.

Wow. She's painted an entire bedroom for a grandchild? That's a bit excessive and worryingly so!

I did leave my DD overnight with my Mum from around 6 weeks a couple of times but I had a LOT going on in my personal life (I tragically lost my DH) and was struggling massively emotionally after a traumatic birth. There really was extenuating circumstances, plus I only lived quite literally round the corner! Within walkie talkie distance (not that we had any).

I'm gobsmacked that she thinks a lick of pink paint means that you're happy to be parted from your baby before they're even on solids!

The sheer sense of entitlement of your MIL really takes the biscuit. Does she think you gave birth for her benefit?
I never wanted our babies to do sleepovers so they didn't (not that my MIL even asked about sleepovers until they were at least three years old). And then they were old enough to understand and it was their decision whether to sleepover or not. Mostly, they said no and their decision was final.
The inlaws did the occasional babysitting for us AT OUR HOUSE and never made a fuss.

Ah, bless her and the bonkers decor.

Could you get a guest bed in there, OP, and avail yourself of some of the princess treatment? I’m thinking chocs on the pillow, a lie-in when your DD wakes up at the crack of dawn and really, really wants to play with her DGM, breakfast in bed…

MiL and Grandma myself so, i get that shes desperate to have grandaughter time. Shes not nuts, just a bit eager.
I had my grandaughter overnight at 2 months to give the parents a decent nights sleep, it did them good and I adored having her here. Ive had her a couple times since.
So, while theres no need for a sleepover till you as parents are comfy with it, its not a weird thing to do,and its entirely understandable that she would like some baby time. Cut her some slack, and explain youre not ready yet, but you will let her know when you are. Also ... dont just use yr own mum... thats cruel, honestly.