MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

OP is the one breastfeeding, her opinion is paramount here. Not right timr for Father’s Parents’ Rights

YANBU, and the more she pushed after saying no, the less I would trust her to allow it.

@Neodymium , re breastfeeding being ‘selfish’, I once read in an American magazine that women shouldn’t breastfeed if it makes their husbands jealous. 😱
It was years ago now, but FFS, what sort of man could be jealous of a little baby getting its proper food??

Your MIL is clearly very excited about her new grandchild and it’s lovely that she wants to be involved and develop a good relationship. This will be fantastic in the long run. However…….she is coming on way too strong too fast! Carry on BF as long as it suits you and your dc. Try to be as understanding and polite as you can be whilst remaining firm. Then, when you’re trearing your hair out at lack of sleep in a few months/years, she’ll be there to help out!!

Based on how he conducted himself when he got the message from his mother, I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if he's been saying one thing to his mother out of one side of his face and saying something completely different to you.

Why would you need to discuss it with her the next time you see her? He should have shut that conversation down there and then.
"No mum, it's not going to happen. Baby is only 4 months old and is exclusively breastfed so doesn't take a bottle. Sleep overs are off the table for the foreseeable future. Don't ask again". Except he didn't.

Time to find out exactly what he has been saying to his mother about this. He could even have been helping her out with the decorations/kitting out of the room, under the guise of giving you a night away from the baby and perhaps even having a little bit of sex with you again. I genuinely wouldn't put it past a new dad who may, in their minds, be feeling neglected in the bedroom for him to have done something like that. I don't know your husband but I've read enough threads on MN to be wary of men when they become dads and start reverting to their basic instincts.

YADNBU!

This comes up around once a month on MN - exactly this. That the mother or MIL or both GPs are really badgering to have sole (usually always overnight) care of a tiny baby.

It usually comes with very clear messages about not wanting parents anywhere near (HAS to be alone) and often with snarky remarks about breastfeeding and encouragement to stop asap.

The one thing these threads - and yours - all have in common, is that the mother does not feel comfortable doing it, and the GPs are putting their wants ahead of what is best for the baby.

OP, you will no doubt get some replies about how you should go ahead with because 'you will want to ask MIL for childcare soon enough' so need to keep her sweet. This is nonsense. If they care about your child and they feel able to give any childcare in the future (when YOU are ready) then this does not need to have been 'banked' as a favour years previously.

You will also hear from mothers who chose to leave their 3-week-old baby with GPs to have a rest/go on holiday. Which is great if that is what they wanted. One size doesn't fit all.

The thing that jumps out at me from your OP is the snidey texts from MIL pressuring your DH to end your breastfeeding to facilitate your baby sleeping at their house. This is SO low. You should breastfeed for as long as you want/can and even after that, you get to decide about where your baby goes.

You need to get your DH on board in shutting down these requests. You can tell GPs you will let them know when the time is right, but this may not be for years and could they please stop asking until then.

If they amp it up, I'd calmly ask what they need to do overnight with DD that they cannot do with you there. Presumably you're OK with them taking her for a walk in the pram on her own etc. And you'd be happy to stay at theirs with DD (if you would be) so get them to explain why they need her alone. Their answer will be all about them.

She is not a doll. You are right to trust your instincts.

I would be SO grateful if my kids had a grandparent who was interested enough in them and able to to have sleep overs. Even bearing that in mind, I did not feel ready to leave either of my babies until they were over a year old.

I’d be fairly firm and my response would be along the lines of:

It was so lovely of you to decorate a room for DC and I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunities for sleepovers to come as she gets older. We’re so pleased to have such loving grandparents in our child’s life. None of us our ready for sleepovers to happen just yet though. We can discuss it again when she’s a year old and see if might work then, on an ad hoc basis. Please don’t spoil such a lovely gesture by putting pressure on us to do something that we are not comfortable with. This is our first child and we would like to make our own decisions on how to parent. I’m sure you understand.

Of course her opinion is paramount but no good partnership works if one doesnt listen to the other. If it doesnt break down now, it will further down the line.

I'd be able to handle the overnights issue calmly, but the 'you mustn't let' text to DH? Just no. I wouldn't care if it was that DH 'mustn't let' me BF past a certain point or that he 'mustn't let' me play with a stick of dynamite, I'd have to tell my MiL in no uncertain terms that my DH doesn't 'let' me do jack shit. I discuss certain things with DH and there are decisions we make together, but in the end I make my own decisions, especially when it comes to my body and what I do with it. 'Mustn't let', my Great Aunt Sally!!

Once again, I thank God for my wonderful late MiL. She never criticized my parenting decisions and if she had advice she offered it in a gentle and loving way.

Jeez what is it with all these psycho grannies!

I hope I'm not like this when the time comes...

That's incorrect the WHOs recommendations is based on all babies across the world.
This is based on developmental and health benefits. It's a misconception that it's just for poor water conditions

You are 100% reasonable. Don't let that crazy fucker near your child. I'm not joking.

My dc have no dgps but older siblings. Ds 8 has slept out 3 times. His choice. Imo dc need to be old enough to agree they want to be away from home. And their own bed. Ds is a home body and loves being around his own things. Siblings are happy with him sleeping when he wants to not when they want him to. Tell mil you will discuss it with dd when she is old enough. Why should it be before dd is ready?

I like that. Yes we want your help. Yes we will do it eventually. Yes it was a nice gesture. Yes it will happen, but only when I/we decide.

I missed the months part and thought your dd was 4 years old. I was amazed it hadn't occurred to you both to have some alone time in 4 years! 🤣

4 months? No, yanbu. We were in a lockdown when ds was born. I'm pregnant again now and think I'm going to miss it being an enforced bubble for the first few months of their life!

Oh, and my dd was 4yrs 3months when she stopped breastfeeding. Her dd was 4 yrs 9 months. No rush!

Yup, totally nuts.
She wants a baby, she wants to play babies with yours.
Unless you want to, the sleepovers begin never.
Tell her you’ll consider it at school age. And definitely not before age 2.
And breastfeed for as long as you want to.

OMG I read this as she was 4 and thought she’s probably ok for a sleepover at 4 🤣4 months is pure madness!

Whilst you may not require a baby sitter often when your daughter is older (for me would be 3+) I’m sure she could create some happy memories with her grandparents staying round there. Once a week is much too much for me but I think once a month is more reasonable.

Oh gosh.

Knowing I may be a MIL one day as I have an only son, I often try and see things from both sides.

But

She's a bit crackers here isn't she! I'd never ever dream of thinking a breastfed or bottle fed 4month old baby would be handed over to me for sleepovers on a weekly basis. That's not to say if I were asked I'd decline, I just wouldn't expect it. If you see what I mean.

Breastfeed for as long as you want to. You didn't ask her to decorate a room for hypothetical sleepovers. She's done that herself, it's not your issue or problem.

Just say "DD is a little to young for sleepovers right now, but as she grows I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunity"

I mean not that you even have to say this, but it might calm the storm 😬

YANBU. She could have decorated a solid gold crib with real diamonds and it still wouldn’t warrant you to hand over your baby for the night. Offering to babysit is nice but you don’t have to take them up on their offer until you’re 100% comfortable. My little one is almost 18 months and has never stayed at the in laws (they’ve never asked). He’s stayed at my parents once when we were at a wedding and had no other option due to how far away it was. My mum asks to have him overnight all the time but because he’s a good sleeper I’m not desperate for the help and I’m still not comfortable with him being away overnight. My friend on the other hand was away weekends away when her little one was 6 weeks old. It’s entirely up to you when/if you feel comfortable, don’t let anyone push you, even for daytime babysitting! If they get to see their grandchild with you there, that’s all they’re ‘entitled’ (hate that word) to have and should be pleased enough with that. Her texts to your husband suggest she has her own interests as number one and not your child’s

This is completely nuts. Stick to your guns here. It honestly baffles me that some grandparents seem to forget any perspective, empathy or rationality they had as parents to a young child.

She’s nuts, totally deranged in fact. It’s your DD not hers! My MIL would NEVER do this. I have 6, 3 and 1 year old and they have never stayed over, the older one almost has but he’s not that bothered and granny loves them to pieces but is happy having them during the day and visiting them here she’s never felt a need to keep them at night, keep breast feeding it’s best for baby and your MIL has her own interests at heart not her GD!

This x 1000.
Young babies do not want to be away from their mothers overnight. It’s just relatives wanting to play mummy, until the baby wakes up for the 3rd time in the night and the ‘mummy’ either doesn’t wake up or purposely ignore the cries.

Children become ready for sleepovers in their own time. My first wouldn’t have accepted a night away from me until he was 3yo.

Fgs it’s hardly a crime to want your grand children to sleep over

once you finish breast feeding tell her you will allow it

dont bother going to war with the in-laws it’s not worth it

She is being utterly unreasonable, and I say that as a GM myself.

I get on absolutely fine with dd, but the elder Gdcs were IIRC 3 and 4 before sleepovers (together) without a parent.