MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

I was incredibly close to my grandparents by the way, just didn't do overnights as a baby to please them.

YANBU but don’t burn your bridges. When your DD gets older this will be a godsend! So I’d just say to MIL she can sleep over once she is no longer exclusively breastfeeding, which is fair enough, and then leave it at that and look forward to a break in future. This is from someone who does not have the luxury of grandparents who are willing (although able) to help us out like this. Although I think it sounds like you have the other extreme, I also think you should count you blessings.

My own DD was about to turn 3yo when she first stayed over somewhere (my mum’s) without us, YADNBU. It’s sweet they’re keen but it’s very presumptuous.

and no, you don’t have to ‘teach your baby to use a bottle’ either, as PP suggested. My baby was almost exclusively bf, but had a bottle a couple of times too… didn’t need teaching 😒

Pretty much this. I've got 4 kids and they didn't want to spend a night away from home - even with much beloved grandparents whom they saw several times a week - much before about 4 or 5.

They aren't toys.

Four months????? I thought you'd be saying four years and you still wouldn't be unreasonable.

While it’s nice she wants to play an active role she has come across as far too overbearing, my babies/children never had sleepovers at this age, I think my mother looked after my baby once when he was about 6 months old for an evening but he didn’t sleep over. We’re also homebodies so never needed to rely on babysitters, however my mum could be controlling in other ways such as insisting on rushing in on my babies milestones and trying to push me out…but that’s a whole other thread.

YANBU - do allow them when you're ready but on your terms, ie when you need babysitting/a night off not because MIL fancies it. And your DH should be the one to let her know this.

Thanks all - good to know others agree as it’s hard to know for sure when you’re close to the situation!

In answer to questions about DH - after I saw the text I hit the roof and so he didn’t reply to MIL. She chased him and called a few times. Eventually he texted her back and told her she was being unfair with that request and we would discuss it with her next time we see her.

So at the moment she’s left stewing. But we need to decide how to address it when we see her next.

1-2 nights a week! She doesn’t want sleep overs she wants a custody arrangement. Yikes.

YANBU your DD is way too young for sleepovers, especially if still breastfeeding. Aged 2-3 is more appropriate for sleep overs.

Holy Moly!

YANBU. I hate the mind fuckery she’s doing with your husband as well. Trying to make him (possibly) resent you for breastfeeding long term as if that was your way of not allowing her to ‘bond with the baby’ Dick head.

She obviously can't remember what having a 4 mo is like. No way would I be volunteering to look after a baby overnight! However as others have said it will come in handy for future years even if your baby never actually sleeps there it could be handy for her to have her own space at your in laws.

I did this too! Even at 4 years it's up to you and your husband op to decide if you want DD to go for sleepovers but 4 months!! She's nuts.

Your child, your rules. Do exactly what you want to do for your child and stand together over this. Your MIL needs to know that this is how it’s going to be.

The best thing for the baby is to bf cared for by her primary carers for as long as you can manage that. In real life parents have to work, get ill, need to do other things so they move from the ideal to shared care. Why would you do that just for some adult to have fun playing at caring for a child? It isn’t caring us it? I mean trying to stop you bfing and take away the babies security while putting your husband in the middle so messing with the child’s parent’s relationship, ISN’T BEST FOR TGE BABY IS IT?

Wtf she’s nuts!! What gives her the right to demand a baby is away from its parents overnight at 4 months. That would make me want to refuse forever!
Keep breastfeeding and follow your instincts to keep your child with you.

She’s batshit. A breastfed baby of 4 months and she wants her in her own room? Proper bonkers. Does your DH know you’ve seen his messages? Is he going to back you up? (How can he not?!)

Posts like these make me so sad. I totally agree 4 months is too young especially if breast feeding /trying to establish routines.

but god I wish my parents or PIL would offer to have my DS for the night even if I did have to refuse as I’m still BF

I just want to cry at the fact some people are so desperate and willing to be part of their grandchildren’s lives while mine don’t seem to want to but dote on their other grandkids (each set of grandparents has 1 other grandchild besides mine)

this is complete madness !
I would be managing her expectations by setting a fairly distant age by which you might consider a sleep over
Say 4 years old.
And even then only after she has succesfully cared for the child for a whole day.

Even 4 year olds can be hard work, she may find it's too tiring.
She was foolish to invest all that time and money decorating the room, and if she brings it up just say 'but why did you do that without checking with us first???'

Crossposted, sorry, had to do lunch for DH who’s off to work shortly. I see you did address it.

What did FIL think of the decorating of the room for DGD?

I find this thing about GP demanding sleepovers very odd indeed. The breastfeeding text is offensive - you should tell your DH that it's not about her at all and the comments were rude.

My kids are adult now but when they were younger we moved house. Inlaws lived near our old house. It was near the end of school term so we kept DD at the old school and she was starting at the new one next term. It meant an hour round trip for me to drop off and again to pick up, for several weeks. On one visit to them, MIL 'announced' that DD would live with them in the week and come to us on weekends and that would save the travel. Apparently "It starts on Monday". I looked at DD who looked horrified. I said to MIL "It's not happening" and changed the subject. Neither child ever did a 'sleepover' with them.

Did your DH sleep over at his grandparents 1-2 nights a week as a tiny baby?

My in-laws tried to push this on me with gift of a weekend away for us, I just added my DS and he came with us. The next year they did it again with a voucher we couldn’t do that with. We haven’t used it.
People shouldn’t push their wants onto you over your child’s needs.

Her manipulative fait accompli would put me off ever allowing her to have dd.

However I have never limited their daytime visits

This is contributing to problem. Limit visits to what suits you and baby and get 48hrs notice.

Just wondering, how does your DH feel about this. He has accepted your opinion and been diplomatic in his reply but have you asked him how he feels about this?

He may think you need help, maybe not now but possibly in the future and a little compromise may work well in the long run. Its his mother at the end of the day and i guess he will understandably want his parents involved.

Of course you are YANBU at all. The baby is 2 months old. But look at the advantages a proactive MIL could be and how this may help you in the long run if it is done with boundaries. You may have situations where you need to be able to drop your child off and express milk in readiness. I would prefer to do this with the MIL over a period of time rather than in an emergency. At the moment you hold all the cards to have this exactly as it suits you but there may come a time when you wish your MIL was able to help out more.

Boundaries need to be drawn.

Why? Because your daughter, when she is older, needs to be taught that drawing boundaries is healthy and necessary. It doesn't need to be confrontational but you and OH need to be firm.

What she doesn't need to be taught is Mummy says no but Grandma ignores her because what she says doesn't matter.

If she is planning on spending a lot of time with your daughter, you need to get these boundaries in place now. My Mother's favourite comment was 'silly Mummy said (such and such) but let's do this anyway.' I shut that nonsense down straight away.

Now my children are older they know this- If I am not sure, I will say 'convince me.' (e.g- can I go with such and such to this place Mum?) but if I say no, then that means that. I rarely need to say no because most of the time, we can negotiate small changes to make everyone happy- 'yes you can go such and such but I will pick you up instead of you catching the bus at night etc.'

But all the work of them understanding these boundaries took place many years ago- so while your baby really is that- there will be a time in the very near future that you need to start standing up for yourself and your family.

And the best piece of advice I was given which I always pass on; trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right to leave your baby, then don't. And it will differ with each child.