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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

818 replies

MollyPocket · 03/01/2023 12:05

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

OP posts:
MarvellousMonsters · 04/01/2023 18:58

Kevinyoutwat · 03/01/2023 12:09

Fucking hell.

You know, you never “have” to let your child sleep over there, right? And she can get to fuck with the breastfeeding comment.

Is she controlling in other ways or is this the first time it’s come out?

This.

Wow. Who expects a 4 month old breastfed baby to be having sleepovers at granny's? At 4 months she shouldn't be sleeping alone, it's a SIDS risk, as is stopping breastfeeding this early.

What a ridiculous selfish woman. YADefinitelyNBU

SunshineAndFizz · 04/01/2023 19:01

Good for you! Good luck!

wellstopdoingitthen · 04/01/2023 19:01

You are def nbu. Who on earth tells their son to stop his wife BF their child so that she can play dollies?

Perhaps you could buy her one of those lifelike baby dolls for her birthday so she can play 'dollies '.

Does he have any siblings who have children? Was she like this with them?

CharlieBear20 · 04/01/2023 19:02

I just want to say a big well done for breastfeeding! And don't let anyone make you feel like you're doing anything wrong!

CharlieBear20 · 04/01/2023 19:04

Currently sat bf-ing my 20 month old who has never had a sleepover either!

BestName · 04/01/2023 19:05

My son is 16 months still nurses to sleep and in the night, I wouldn't want to even leave him overnight now still never mind at someone else's house.

Even if we go out in the evening (Christmas was the first time) if he wakes up Grand parents can't get him back to sleep, he is happy and will stay up with them but I can only really do bedtime and nights and I can't see it changing anytime soon.

You absolutely are not being unreasonable

Sarahlou2022 · 04/01/2023 19:05

Nope!!!! This woman is crazy! I would BF until she’s 10 just to spite her 😂 just kidding, but honestly the fact she’s encouraging your husband to ‘not let you feed too long’ is just wrong! I co slept until 8 months and he was BF until just after he turned two… at around 16 months my MIL implied to me I should stop, which only egged me on to feed him longer!

Don’t ever let her pressure you into having your DD overnight, if the time comes when you feel you want to, then fine but if that times doesn’t come she can just keep it as a playroom for when she visits in the daytime.

Good luck x

Sherbetdib · 04/01/2023 19:09

MissBelle83 · 04/01/2023 18:57

MILs text didn't tell her to stop BF, she said she didn't want OP to keep BF 'longer than necessary' just to stop sleepovers. Perhaps she has her own worries that OP might manipulate situation herself (they do say men marry their mother's 🤣).

To talk about cutting her out and withholding contact is extreme, cruel and also controlling.

She is the child's grandmother and it's her son's child, therefore has a right to build a relationship and your child also has that right. A bit of communication and empathy would go a long way in this situation, ideally from both sides.

The suggestion that MIL thinks OP should stop breastfeeding pretty much now is implicit in the text. And given the timing of being told 'no' to the overnight stay. Her text is inappropriate. And designed to influence her son to influence his wife to stop breastfeeding sooner rather than later all so she can have baby overnight. It isn't nice.

OP is not talking about cutting Granny out. She just doesn't want Granny having baby overnight. Which is her call. And not for Granny to grumble about.
Gran is either a bit loopy, or manipulative. Neither are good. They really aren't. So a clear no was the right answer.

cherish123 · 04/01/2023 19:11

Yes. YANBU. 3months is much too young for a sleepover. My DC didn't stay overnight away from us until 5.

littlemisskt · 04/01/2023 19:11

Wow! I originally read it as 4 years and I thought she was being ridiculous to do it without talking to you first, then a reread 4months and your MIL is completely unreasonable!

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2023 19:14

ALA79 · 04/01/2023 18:22

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but at the same time MIL is just excited. I say breastfeed for as long as you wish and if that means expressing into a bottle when baby will take it in a bottle then great. In relation to babies not sleeping etc if she isn’t sleeping through but on the bottle I’d let her go and stay as MIL will be prepared. She will love her and not let her be unsettled I think it’s just saying okay she can stay over but not until then and maybe she could have her at her house for a few hours in the day, use the room for day naps so when she does stay she’d used to it?

She isn't 'just' excited.

And unless the OP has any other need to express why go to all the faff? Especially as the baby is likely to turn her nose up at it. (Speaking from personal experience as had to leave DC with my sister for a few hours when they were about a year. Took a bottle of my milk in NICU perfectly happily - never would touch one again. And I was in agony when I got back)

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 04/01/2023 19:15

I usually default to try to see things from the MIL’s point of view, but she is being completely unreasonable, and is going about this in such a contrary way.

For someone weirdly desperate to have a young baby for a sleepover, she’s certainly pitching herself as someone with the baby’s interests at the very bottom of her list.

HappyHolidays22 · 04/01/2023 19:16

Oh my life. You are NOT being unreasonable!!! My eldest is 4 and still hasn’t had a sleepover at grandma’s! I wouldn’t stop it now actually but I still suspect that even at 4, DD would get a little upset or unsettled she wasn’t in her normal routine at home!

my youngest DD is 6 months. Not a chance in hell that I would ever leave her to sleep anywhere other than at home with us. She is breastfed too and to be honest, I’ve no idea how anyone else other than me could feed her/put her down during the night as we have a pretty standard routine during the night now too!

your MIL is well and truly out of line, particularly trying to influence via DH. She needs to back off!!!! Having said that, I wouldn’t say anything confrontational to her; just be firm and clear and pleasant about it all… and please do not cave in to pressure… it will not be good for you or your baby to let her have her way. One day in future, your baby (and you!) might love the sleepovers at her house… but that comes in years time, not weeks or even months IMO.

Delphinium20 · 04/01/2023 19:17

Your MIL is way out of line, and frankly, she cares more about herself than her GDD. Breastfeeding and attachment are critical for an infant and recommended for the first two years. Obviously, babies do fine w/ formula, but if this is your choice and it's working, your MIL's fantasies should not override what is best for your DD. Also, if you left your DD there, I bet she'd be miserable and frightened to be away from you for so long. At 4 months old, time is very different than for a 4 year old.

My MIL tried to push the whole sleepover as an infant thing and I shut it down ASAP. She made a few rude remarks about breastfeeding and I ignored her. 20 years later, it's water under the bridge, but looking back I am SO GLAD I didn't let her push me around. Being a new mother is difficult but now is the perfect time to advocate for your child and grow up to be her defender, not a pushover to your MIL's selfishness.

Hopeistaysane · 04/01/2023 19:17

She is nuts, no way would I be leaving my child with that brand of crazy

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 04/01/2023 19:18

Good grief, there are some pushy mothers-in-law out there, I never realised how many until I joined Mumsnet!

Neverhot · 04/01/2023 19:19

Glad your oh is supporting you with it all, let us know how it goes op and good luck.

ruthgordon123 · 04/01/2023 19:22

She doesn't like her husband and is trying to relive her life. My ex mother in law did this. When she didn't get visits every 2 weeks it was painted in magnolia again and all was forgotten.

3luckystars · 04/01/2023 19:23

My child is 14 and still hasn’t had a sleepover. I don’t allow them and just refused and that’s the end of it.
don’t be bullied!

Delphinium20 · 04/01/2023 19:24

I forgot to add in my other post: while my MIL was pushing for sleepovers and was embarrassed by my breastfeeding, my own mother, who was beyond the moon excited to be a grandmother, did the opposite. My DM firmly supported my breastfeeding and said that baby needs mom. She'd come to our house, to cook and clean, or hold baby while I showered, but she never, ever pushed for DD to be at her house despite her living quite close by. She was a OB/GYN nurse so she also had professional background in mother/baby dyad, but I also think she cared more about her GDD's needs than my MIL did. Your MIL showed her cards - she doesn't have the baby's best interest at heart.

HALGEM999 · 04/01/2023 19:24

Surely that is a typo and should read 4 years old and not 4 months old?? 😂if not MIL is bat shit!

Coffeepot72 · 04/01/2023 19:26

Until I joined mumsnet ( first month it started!) I had no idea that this was a thing - expectation of regular sleepovers in their own room in a grandparents house.

This! What is this obsession with sleep-overs???

BradfordGirl · 04/01/2023 19:29

It is common in close extended families.

Madamum18 · 04/01/2023 19:29

Gwilt160981 · 04/01/2023 17:55

I think what your mother in law has done, decorating rooms for the grandkids is lovely. She's more than capable of looking after kids too. She did raise your husband. She's offering to watch the grandkids, whilst you and your hubby have a night out. I haven't even got my parents and lost my mother in law 2021. Mom and MIL were so helpful and we were grateful for the help. I think you should give her a break. I know they're your kids, she just wants to help.

That would make sense if she hadn't had a tantrum and then started texting her son with "instructions" when the parents said thanks but not at the moment etc! She is using manipulation to try and get her own way. This is a 4 month old baby who is being breastfed and however excited etc she is she needs to get herself under control! It is not fair on the new parents.

Herejustforthisone · 04/01/2023 19:35

MissBelle83 · 04/01/2023 18:57

MILs text didn't tell her to stop BF, she said she didn't want OP to keep BF 'longer than necessary' just to stop sleepovers. Perhaps she has her own worries that OP might manipulate situation herself (they do say men marry their mother's 🤣).

To talk about cutting her out and withholding contact is extreme, cruel and also controlling.

She is the child's grandmother and it's her son's child, therefore has a right to build a relationship and your child also has that right. A bit of communication and empathy would go a long way in this situation, ideally from both sides.

You’re completely bananas.