MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Talking to her is good but don’t be soft. She wasn’t being nice, she was being manipulative, selfish and cruel. I’d start with your DH telling her how shocked you both were at her comments about breastfeeding and her going behind your backs to prepare a room. Make it clear - explicitly or implicitly - that further attempts to ‘play mummy’, interrupt your baby’s relationship with you, or act in selfish ways with no regard for your baby will result in very low contact.

And be prepared for more manipulation in the form of tears and lies. Don’t fall for it and stick to your guns. If your DH starts weakening, I’d get up and walk out with your baby. He should have been down like a ton of bricks on his mother as soon as she sent that text. Indulging manipulators isn’t a good idea. They’re wilfully blind to gentle hints and need polite but firm telling.

I had exactly the same with now ex mother in law!! Always pushing for overnights from day 1. I found it extremely weird, other half thought it was fine 😱

He's 10 now and has never felt comfortable staying over, still doesn't. But I've drummed it into him that he's not comfortable that's fine and he doesn't have to. They seem to be over it now. 10 years!!! It's taken 10 years

Stand your ground, do what's right for you and your child and don't be bullied.

There’s excited, and then there’s secretly trying to incite your son to force his wife to stop breastfeeding so that his mother can play mummies again with his baby. Don’t you see how fucked that is?

She sounds like a f*ing lunatic. I’d have to warn her that if she carries on making extreme assumptions she will be cut out, end of.

Not a chance. For a start a baby is supposed to be with you in your room for the first 6 months! I breastfed my first to 2 1/2 and my second to 3 1/2 (never planned for that to happen but it worked for us and it tended to just be a 'before bed' comfort thing, which was fine by me and quite a nice wind down at the end of the day). My mother, who I trust implicitly, didn't have the 1st to sleep over at their house until he was 3 1/2, and the 2nd was 2 1/2. My parents did come to our house to babysit sometimes (they don't live near us), and they were fine with that. IMO babies like routine and the familiarity of their own surroundings....she's mad! Stick to your guns.

Also going to say my now ex mil also tried to get me to stop breastfeeding early to facilitate sleepovers!
I lost it one day and talked openly with her in front of everyone why she wanted these things and what was her driving force? Would she have done the same with her kids?

She cried and stamped her feet and said but I never get to see him ever... this way week 2 and she'd popped over 7 times in 2 weeks unannounced.

Rest of the family were shocked and did support her through it, turned out she had a son who died in a cot death and had some sort of ptsd after my son was born. She got the help she needed.

As a MIL with grandkids, I wouldn't assume sleepovers and also hope they show me same respect and not assume I will offer them.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything further. Don't antagonise the situation and dont think about it either.

You hold all the cards (and the baby) so it's up to you when things happen.

However, with my grandma head on, please don't deny her the love she wants to give because she's annoyed you. She's got overexcited and ahead of herself but that doesnt mean DD can't do a sleepover even if breast fed. You may appreciate the rest.

We grandma's are experienced mums (and do like to share our pearls of wisdom, wanted or not) but believe me after a few sleepovers she'll remember how absolutely tiring it is. It's nice when the stay, but it's nice when they go home too 😊

Sweet but nuts.

Strap in for a ride on the breastfeeding front .. I breastfed until 2.5 and it blew my MIL’s mind, and my mum’s tbh. Partly because it made them feel disempowered I think. I just tried to be really secure in my views on it about it whilst not getting defensive. Hard in the early months though when everything feels so raw.

My advice is to indulge her a bit in the ways you can (let her do certain ‘Grandmotherish’ things even if annoying), so that she doesn’t loose her head even more.

But stay overs at 4 months no way man. Not until you feel comfortable.

I don't know what possesses some MIL's to expect sleepovers at such a young age or the entitlement just baffles me. Have they never been a mother before and were they happy sleeping well when they packed their infants over to their in-laws house so they can play dolls. I bf until 3 and my ds didn't take a bottle from 2 months old with pumped milk. Just say "can you stop putting your needs before my babies needs. She will be bf until she doesn't want to and she will sleepover WHEN I feel comfortable to be away from her".

Don't stress yourself, just say this once or how ever many times you wish until she gets it and don't explain. You don't owe anyone a explanation on how you manage your own child.

Oh my days .... talk about being manipulative! How dare she say that to your husband?! She comes across as being incredibly controlling, overbearing, and yes .... totally nuts!
I'd be less likely to let her have your daughter than ever, because i think she'll just take over more and more. Whose child is she, ffs, hers????
She's being totally unreasonable in expecting to have such a young baby sleep over, so don't let her push you into something that a) you're clearly uncomfortable with, and b) would be unusual, unless necessary.

OMG I’d be going nuts if either my mother or MIL did this to me and text my husband to say he mustn’t ‘let me’ breastfeed for longer than necessary ?!?! What a controlling bitch!! You breast feed for as long as you want! And even after that there’s no rule that kids have to sleepover at their grandparents house!! There is no way I’d have spent a night apart from my child that young! From about 4 YEARS old yeah, 4 months… not a chance!!

'Lovely'?

She sounds like a fucking lunatic.

Your baby is too young.
But in families where extended family are very involved then a young child sleeping over at their grandmothers is unremarkable. Dont be like the MN crowd either where they actively push family away.

And calling it playing dolls is insulting. I am sure MIL knows your baby is not a doll. But the baby is her grandchild.

That's awful. A 4 month old baby needs to be with you at night.

Your MIL is solely concerned with her own desires and not your baby's needs.

My DC's started becoming keen on the idea of sleepovers with relatives when they were about 5 or 6 years old (and even then they were both quite wobbly when we tried it and didn't want to do it again until they were a year or two older). Any earlier than that it wouldn't have been being done for their enjoyment.

Of course all children are different, and some will probably get there much earlier than that. But 4 months?!? Unless you are likely to be in a tight spot re. childcare e.g. you both work nights, there is no reason to even think of it for ages yet. There is no benefit to a baby, only detriment. It's an absurd idea and she's being incredibly selfish, not to mention controlling.

I'd be really wary, keep her at arms length and set boundaries now, because she's likely to escalate with the batshittery as your little one grows.

Good approach OP, I hope the chat goes well.

She is Farking MENTAL.

I would be utterly pissed off at her ignorance about breastfeeding and how much more important that is for your DD, than having sleepovers at Granny's. And at her entitlement. Bloody cheek, please don't accept this as normal, it really isn't.

Granny is not mum. Child is not a dolly.

Her judgement is completely shot. I think she is the sort of person who if they throw down a gauntlet to you , you have to pick it up rather than let it pass. Deal with the issue there and then. Or it snowballs.

She threw a gauntlet with the decorated room. She knew full well she had not spoken to you about it. Nor about any sleepovers. But linked the showing of the room with the request. Did she really think it would all be wonderful and yes you would agree she could have your baby as often as she wanted ? It shows a great lack of awareness, empathy, thoughtfulness and practicality. For you and your baby.

Or she probably knew you would not like it. She linked the showing of the room with the request to look after your baby overnight. And was surprised by your flat no. And your confidence to say no to her face.

I wouldn't let your baby be with her overnight at all. No. Kind but loopy is not good. Unkind and manipulative is not good either. A straight no.

Do you normally get on well without her? Is it her first grandchild?
Wonder if she's just got all excited about having her in vet but as a grandparent has actually completely forgotten what it's like to be a new mom. The guidelines for co sleeping / own bedroom etc will have considerably changed since she had her own children and I'm sure she's just forgetting what it's like (however, the breast feeding comment is inappropriate and I'd tackle her re that)

Wow. My son is breast feeding at the moment at 5 months. We had to go to a wedding in November that was completely childfree. My mum kindly had both the boys at her house. While the elder that is nearly 3 spent the night she wouldn’t have dreamed about keeping the youngest yet! He’s too young! And as for the 1-2 nights per week thing? That’s creepy to me. Not there’s something really not sitting right there. You are the mum. Not her. Does she have any daughters if her own?

My kids don’t sleep anywhere without me until they ask to. Literally have the desire and ask verbally themselves to do it. But typically I stay with them when we stay elsewhere anyway. Ny eldest was about 4 and he stayed overnights sometimes from then with my sister while I stayed at my mums (they are 300 miles away from us so it wasn’t regular and I was a single parent and so enjoyed the break). My second is just 4 now and has not stayed there without me. I’m no longer a single parent, and don’t feel the need for a break and she hasn’t asked to stay there without me so she hasn’t. Because of the pandemic she doesn’t know my sister quite aswell as my eldest (now 13) did at this stage. At 4 months I didn’t leave my babies at all apart from for a shower, and that was rushed. I genuinely thought your post was going to be about a 4year old or older and my jaw dropped when i saw the age of your baby. i didnt leave either of mine with anyone except their dad until they were well over 2. and even now at 4 and 13 its not regular.
actually thats a lie. my son was 13months old when my in laws bought my husband and i a weekend away, on the proviso they had my son. i didnt want to to, i was forced to. it literally ended my marriage. dont do anything youre not ready for to keep the peace or please other people. it is perfectly ok NOT to want to be away from your baby.

She’s nuts and I’d limit contact as she’s gonna get worse not better.

Tbf when my son was 4/5 my MIL went very nuts. Was start of her dementia/Alzheimer’s

Wow!! My ILs would never even babysit (my kids are way older) but as someone with a controlling MIL I’d say stand your ground now. Just calmly saying it’s a lovely thought and much appreciated but not possible at the moment due to BFing during the night. I BF mine a year each and they fed in the night up to the 12 months.

MILs text didn't tell her to stop BF, she said she didn't want OP to keep BF 'longer than necessary' just to stop sleepovers. Perhaps she has her own worries that OP might manipulate situation herself (they do say men marry their mother's 🤣).

To talk about cutting her out and withholding contact is extreme, cruel and also controlling.

She is the child's grandmother and it's her son's child, therefore has a right to build a relationship and your child also has that right. A bit of communication and empathy would go a long way in this situation, ideally from both sides.