MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Breastfeeding or not, it is your choice to allow sleepovers or not. Personally, I've never heard of planned sleepovers for children so young, unless it was a babysitting situation. Your MIL is out of line to have presumed entitlement with your infant. I hope you will stay firm with your decision.

At 4 months! That would be a nope from me and the more she pushes you the more you should say no. If you feel ready at any point then that’s fine but don’t do anything until then. I hope DH has your back. Often sons of women like that don’t.

she's outrageous! I didn't breastfeed but I still wouldn't consider it until I felt that the baby was settled enough. And to make such a grand gesture with the room was manipulative imho.

Just stunned when she is 4 months old!

I think my eldest had her first sleepover at 9 months with my mum but she had slept through since about 8 weeks old (breastfed til 18months but was happy with milk when I left and I went early to collect)

youngest had 1 sleepover around 14 months it was a disaster she teethed all night and wakes for milk anyway…we only did it as we had a night in a swanky hotel we had to use down the road and we were prepared for a midnight pick up, I don’t think I’d even be considering until they sleep through and in a good routine and can communicate better I.e around 2.5 years

lovely thing for her to have done making her a room and her own safe space there alas a little prematurely!

Wow.

She clearly is trying to pretend like that's her child. Do not let anyone force you into a routine that you don't want to do. That is YOUR child, not hers. If you never or dd never wants to sleep over, she never has to. A fully grown woman shouldn't be upset a child who isn't even hers doesn't sleep at her house. You do what's best for your child and nobody else. She sounds super selfish and not actually bothered about what's best for dd, considering she's trying to make you stop breastfeeding.

Just wow.

Absolutely nuts. At four months old?! She can jog on, frankly. She's got way too much time on her hands if she's decorated an entire room for a FOUR MONTH old.

MIL here. You decide when you're ready. Could start with some day time sleeps to let you get some time to yourself, if you decide to express. But don't be put under pressure by anyone.

It's lovely that she's offered.

Four months is so young! She’s nuts.

you need to be direct with her and don’t mince your words. I wouldn’t let DH deal with it as you never know what’s actually being said. i had a similar situation and I had to be frank about it as i’d never consider doing it until my son was ready to stop breastfeeding (he’d never take a bottle). And so he didn’t sleep over until he was 12 months.

i’d send something like this; ” i’m aware you don’t appreciate that dd is breastfed which means she’s unable to do sleepovers. But my primary concern is what is best for dd, and that is being close to me until she is ready to stop breastfeeding. There is no fixed date as to when we will stop yet, and I’d appreciate your support as we continue to successfully breastfeed. Decorating her a room is a very sweet gesture and i’m sure she’ll ready to use it at some point, but i’m not going to disrupt her feeding routine at the moment, and i’m not just not ready to leave my child with anyone overnight yet. Hope you can understand this x “

done

Stick to your guns on this! YANBU!!
My daughter breastfed until she was ~16months and my son did over 2.5 years. There is no way they would have gone for a sleepover. They are now 4 and 7 and have only ever had 3 nights away from me. 4-year-old regularly wakes up still for me now. It's not clingy or being overprotective. You are her mother, and she will be distraught if away from you so young. Keep breastfeeding as long as you can/want to.

In your MIL's defense it IS lovely that she has made a room for her GD and wants to help you with childcare, but it is a little too much, too soon.

Simple way of putting a stop to it. Let her stay over...MIL will soon be calling you when baby doesn't stop crying all night! 😂
Grandparents have a bit of a rose tinted memory of the baby phase sometimes but soon backtrack when the reality hits home.

However, if she's keen to have sleepovers that's definitely something you'll appreciate in the future so don't burn any bridges and try to handle it diplomatically while setting some boundaries early doors.

Your children asking you to have their kids is completely different kettle of fish to OP's MIL expecting to have a 4mnths old baby for sleepovers every week and telling to to stop breastfeeding.
Not sure why are you taking offence.

I would carry on breastfeeding until she goes to school just out of pure pettiness!

YANBU. Obviously completely disregard her comments about BF and reiterate to her that you will be raising your DD on your terms and while you are grateful for the bedroom (slightly creepy IMO) and the offer of overnights, you are more than happy to wait until you and DD are both ready. Ask her to not ask again until you give it the green light.

I may be way off the mark but it sounds to me like MIL always wanted a DD but didn't have one and is now living it through yours? Is that true or am I wrong?

I’m a MIL
Ive only read the first page
She is completely bonkers, nuts, outrageous and any other word I could think of.
Until I joined mumsnet ( first month it started!) I had no idea that this was a thing - expectation of regular sleepovers in their own room in a grandparents house.
Ive got 9 grandchildren , I love them very much but they are not mine.
I’ll do anything to help, especially in an emergency but,
My days if regularly getting up early with little ones are thankfully over.
Just tell her no. She won’t actually be able to force you.

Exactly this!
My now 4yr old daughter was the shittest sleeper ever. Has had 2 sleepovers at MILs to date.
We breastfed and mainly co slept til she was 2.5 years old. She did take a bottle and we had nights out with either nanny babysitting at our house. However, the absolute pain of no sleep for years is not great, and i probably would have let either nanny have her to stay overnight if they'd offered. And she probably would have slept right through for them too...

So sorry you are being put in this position! She’s way overstepping the line here, I would be brutal and say no overnight visits at all, she’s only 4 months. Also the text about breastfeeding is all about her and not in your child’s best interest, she needs to know that and step back. You are her mother, you decide what happens and your DH needs to adhere to that. I’d personally go nuts about the pink room you haven’t been consulted on but that’s just me! Is she like this with her other grandchildren?

Honestly, I am absolutely fuming for you.
what a manipulative and controlling woman.
I think your DH needs to step up a notch too. 4 months is so tiny and how dare she try and control your breast feeding and such.
either she steps in line or she doesn’t get day visits either.
How dare she.
Honestly, I wouldn’t want my baby/child going there as she clearly has no respect for your views and decisions, it would make me really wonder what was going on there. She seems very much an “I know best” sort of person and would probably feed her solids without your permission etc.
Good luck and so sorry you’re going through this. Your DH needs to step up and defend his Queen and his Princess xx

• your baby is 4 months and breastfed- if anything your MIL is the one who is in the wrong putting you in that position! you should do what “you” feel is right for you and baby- not to appease her!

Also have a dictator MIL, (mine is telling us what we’re doing for our first Christmas next year) don’t bend your no where near in the wrong. Baby shouldn’t be out of your sight any time soon and only do things your comfortable with. Some breast feed until 2 or more and that’s totally your right. Even if baby was bottle fed your baby your pace.
I don’t even know when I want to do journeys, and she’s got a you come to me attitude on (apparently I keep a messy house she finds uncomfortable) frankly don’t trust mine to not give him nuts (which I am deathly allergic too). Point is trust us key

I was horrified to hear your story. Just could not believe how any grandmother could even be thinking about sleepovers, for such a young baby. She is being utterly selfish, putting her own needs before your daughters and yours, both of which
are far more important. To suggest that your husband should try and persuade you to stop breastfeeding,is despicable. This is YOUR child, not HERS so you both need to stick together and stand up to this very domineering MIL.

Ultimately it is totally appropriate for you not to want a sleepover yet regardless of BF and you don't need to justify your reasoning. By saying it is because you're BF you've given her a specific reason that she can moan about. Make it clear that you consider it too soon for sleepover, regardless of the BF etc.

It's sounds like they just want to establish themselves as a part of her life (albeit in a bit of an tone deaf way!). Maybe they need a bit of reassurance that they'll get to be involved and start with a routine of couple of hours in the daytime. As baby gets older they'll see how hard a couple of hours can be and they might back off a bit about sleepovers for a couple of years.

My MIL was the most overbearing woman and made my life hell. In hindsight if I had my time again with my children I would have set very clear boundaries. We frequently tried to tell her she was overstepping the mark but she would just laugh it off or tell me I was being over sensitive. My advice to you is do not give an inch, (easier said than done I know). It is none of her business how long you breastfeed for and it’s not your problem if she did up a bedroom-very passive aggressive behaviour. I hope she has other children/grandchildren to focus on and I hope you have a decent family supporting you. Keep your DH on side. Good luck and stay strong.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but at the same time MIL is just excited. I say breastfeed for as long as you wish and if that means expressing into a bottle when baby will take it in a bottle then great. In relation to babies not sleeping etc if she isn’t sleeping through but on the bottle I’d let her go and stay as MIL will be prepared. She will love her and not let her be unsettled I think it’s just saying okay she can stay over but not until then and maybe she could have her at her house for a few hours in the day, use the room for day naps so when she does stay she’d used to it?

No you are not being unreasonable. The advice from the WHO is to breastfeed up to two years if possible, and a lot of effort has to go into pumping. However don't burn your bridges just yet. I am still breastfeeding at 20 months and still feed to sleep, and I do think that I should have introduced a bottle early on as she just won't take one now and I have to put her to bed every night and wish I could sometimes have a night off. Maybe suggest a sleepover once every two weeks and only when your baby and you are ready, maybe a few months from now.