MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Tell her the WHO recommends that babies are where possible breastfed to the age of two and beyond
I think it would be interesting to see how she responds to this, will she try to argue that breastfeeding is not a positive for the health of the baby?

Again, though, don’t make it all about BF, because you wouldn’t want a bottle-fed 4-month old having sleepovers at Gran’s either, that’s the issue here. MIL will be unnaturally fixated on when breastfeeding will stop if she thinks that’s the only reason she’s being deprived of a living doll to play with all on her own in the unicorn bedroom.

Absolutely. When I first told my parents I was pregnant my parents were full of it - they’d help with childcare, they’d move closer to be near us, etc.

Three years later and they’ve looked after my oldest son once for about 45 minutes while I got a haircut.

They love posting on Facebook about what amazing grandparents they are, though.

I didn't let mine Out of my sight when they were babies I would find it very weird if someone wanted to have them overnight, it would have been an instant and very loud NO! from me. I wouldn't let anyone else have them before they could talk and tell me what had been happening!

I feel your pain OP, my MIL tried to convince my DH that we should leave DS with her when he was 8 weeks old. This was after I had said I wasn't ready. Even now, months later, I'm still not ready and the thought of leaving baby with her in any capacity makes me feel sick (she has bullied and gaslighted me since baby was born trying to get her own way).

Stand your ground, you know best, if it feels wrong to you, it is wrong, end of story.

Your parents are the grandparents and your dh’s parents are ‘someone else’? I’m so glad I’m never going to be any woman’s MIL.

I think that is the best way forward. Stand your ground and she can’t use her son to get what she wants. Your baby is very lucky but it has to be under yours and your dh terms.

What a very sad attitude to your child’s other grandparents. They are equal to your parents.

I don't even breastfeed my DD and she stayed at my MILs for the first time last month, at 17 months old.

Take my advice please. Put your foot down firmly asap.

Jeaus H christ

I do this think i could sit down and explain all those basic and obvious boundaries

Id retreat big time. Horrible woman

At least your husband is standing up to
Her

That’s bananas. Need to lay down your boundaries now and stay firm. Don’t let her over step them and make sure your partner is fully on board. There will come a time when you will be grateful for the help but it needs to be on your terms and nothing should be dictated to you by anyone else.

Nuts, and also very manipulative. A baby doesnt need a fancy bedroom so she's totally missed the point of building a relationship with a baby anyway! I bf'ed my kids for 18 mos and nearly 3 years & would never have let them sleepover without me or my partner before a year - after that would depend on the child. You bf for as long as you and they want to!! I would be concerned about any sort of regular pattern that would lead to arguments when you changed the 'routine'.

Omg this is awful!!! This is too much! I have a three month old and couldn’t imagine it. Poor you.

My kids didn't sleep on there own at families house until they were about 5 and 7 (years not months). MIL did look after them at my house while we attended my Mum's funeral (we were away about 10 hours) when they were 1 and 3 y o, but that was an unfortunate necessity. I wouldn't have wanted to leave them overnight as babies unless unavoidable.

OP might not like the answer to this. My mum left my brother overnight at 6 weeks - probably same with me. Quite the thing in the 70s apparently. I appreciate the OP is likely a lot younger than me and the MIL younger than my mum but she may have this mindset - it seemed to be almost a badge of honour- you were an independent woman not attached to your baby and your baby not dependent on you.

You're the boss Listen to what your gut is telling you Start as you mean to go on

You are not being unreasonably at all, MIL on the other hand is being very unreasonable and while it’s good to know you have a babysitter it’s on your terms not hers! Your child, your choice and I totally agree with you. Good luck & lots of love and good wishes op! 💐

My daughter is 5 years old and hasn’t stayed alone at MILs, we get the ‘oh let’s do a sleepover’ every time she comes round and my daughter isn’t ready. At 4 months old it would have been completely impossible!! It’s about the child’s needs, not the grown woman.

What a horrible boot she sounds. This is your baby and you know her best. Do what you feel is best for her. And to even make the breastfeeding comment is completely out of line. I’d be tempted to tell her if she carries on she won’t have any sleepovers at all.

I am a MIL and a Grandmother. I am stunned at other grandmothers on here who cant see that this really does have little to do with "loving spending time with their grandchildren" etc. This grandmother/MIL as described by MollyPocket is seriously over stepping. She may well want to spend time with her new granddaughter (and yes her enthusiasm may be running away with her a bit) but how dare she start criticising the breastfeeding etc so that baby can stay with them. How dare she! Her behaviour is manipulative, even if it is to some extent caused by her excitement - which is no excuse. She needs to get herself under control and let her son and his wife parent|!!

I think Molly and her DH are being remarkably adult and generous inn their response, agreeing to sit down with MIL/Mum and lay down their expectations clearly. They are right to draw a clear line. I hope she listens and learns or she will end up in a sad situation epsecially if she starts manipulating the little one as she grows !

My 4 year old still doesn't sleep over anywhere else. They sleep well but I don't feel comfortable yet. My child sleeps in my house until they actively want to try sleeping elsewhere.

Your MIL is an absolute joke.

I think what your mother in law has done, decorating rooms for the grandkids is lovely. She's more than capable of looking after kids too. She did raise your husband. She's offering to watch the grandkids, whilst you and your hubby have a night out. I haven't even got my parents and lost my mother in law 2021. Mom and MIL were so helpful and we were grateful for the help. I think you should give her a break. I know they're your kids, she just wants to help.

@Gwilt160981

she may WANT to help but neither parent has asked for it! And what’s worse is when they’ve said ‘thanks but no thanks’ she’s got the hump!