MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Thanks for the support all. I’ve been overwhelmed with responses.

I’ve talked it through with DH and while he is annoyed at his DM, he doesn’t want to cut her out. Neither do I really - mainly as I don’t want to hurt him. Though I do want her to stop the controlling, manipulative behaviour.

So we have talked it through are going to sit down with MIL on Saturday as a united front and explain to her that DD will not be staying over until we are good and ready. And that could be a few years. That we are sorry she put so much effort and money into the bedroom, but we never asked her to. She will respect the fact DD is breastfed and will be for the foreseeable future.

We’ll see how she responds to that. If she is apologetic we will move forward, but if she argues we are going to withdraw a bit so that she understands she has to respect us in order to have a relationship.

I’ll try to update afterwards.

LOL, you're the shameful one that don't know any boundaries. I don't know why you're making this about you.

Did you decorate a room and ask your DD to have the grand kids sleep over for 1-2 nights a week at 4 months? And that she should not breastfeed for "too long" so that you practice nanny?

If you're defending that then you're definitely in the nutter category 😂

batshit your dh needs to be a bit firmer ignoring her texts isnt backing you up

i hope he doesnt let you do all te talking on saturday

You're not sorry! Do not under any circumstances say you are sorry.
That was her decision that she took upon herself and her stupid tax is that its not used.

Do not allow her to victimise herself in any way. This woman tried to damage your marriage. She will try that again.

Wasn't gonna say anything but that's exactly how the manipulation starts...

Good luck OP and as @Bigbadfish said I hope he doesn't let you do all the talking on Saturday x

Don’t say that you’re sorry. Say that her sabotage attempt at ruining your breastfeeding hasn’t worked and that if she threatens your parenting again that will be it for contact with her gc. Your dh needs to reply to the text saying that you have read it and the he is shocked by her trashing of your breastfeeding and for her own gain of her gd. It’s a terrible attitude. He needs to say that you’d rather pay for a babysitter than have your mil and that also your own parents are supportive. That he stands by you and is so proud of what you are doing. Your mil needs to hear that you take no nonsense and that you are now aware that she’s manipulative. She needs to apologise to you not you to her.

@MollyPocket Sounds like a good starting point, and it's great that you and DH are tackling it as a team. Good luck!

Don't be so ridiculous. What is a red flag isn't wanting to spend time with grandkids. What is, is behaving like this MIL when it comes to sleepovers. There is no entitlement to them. It isn't their child. There is no necessity. Yes you can want to have the contact of course but this sort of behaviour flags up that the person may be generally disrespectful of the parenting choices of the parents as they are overstepping with this so possibly would with other things.

It plainly isn't rank ageism as I never mentioned age beyond 'adults' - and you should be aware that grandparents come in all ages unless you're ageist yourself. There are grandparents my age - mid 30s - all the way into the very late stages of life.

And I mentioned the word abusive to make clear that wasnt what I was referring to when I mentioned red flag, because there have been quite a few posts on here before about the dangers of sleepovers and that wasnt the point I was making in relation to this situation

@MollyPocket good that you and DH are presenting a united front, but as PP have said, I would expect him to lead the conversation as its his mother.

Also agree with PP that you shouldn't say sorry re the bedroom. Perhaps say 'We can see that you've gone to a lot of effort with the bedroom, but we didn't ask for this and we're not ready...' instead of using apologetic language.

Don't be drawn into any conversations about how long you plan to BF for.

This thread is getting very abusive. Yes it’s natural for grandparents to want quality time with their grandkids and vice Versa when they’re old enough to appreciate it. No, suggesting someone stops nursing because you’re impatient to get alone time with your granddaughter isn’t natural or normal. The room itself is a bit “much” but kindly meant. It’s the breastfeeding comment that’s a red flag. Breastfeeding may not have been the norm when she was a new mum - my brother wasn’t breastfed at all. She may not get how ridiculous that comment was but it’s still a red flag. But let’s not get anti grandparents - they’re an essential part of our kids lives when they’re lucky enough to have them. I think a sit down meeting is a bit heavy and it would be better for DH to text saying “she’ll probably be breastfed until she’s at least a year old which we both think is important so let’s hang fire on the sleepovers” Avoid putting people on the spot wherever possible, it doesn’t end well.

I think I understand what you're saying.

Sleep is a vulnerable state for babies (as well as being stressful for parents), which I doubt everyone considers or is aware of when they imagine having one overnight. Its all cuddles and lullabies.

BIL and SIL (no children yet) - both younger than me, so no ageism here - offered several times to have DS overnight when he was newborn. A few people told me to let them (so they could see what it was really like) but my concern was whether they would follow or even be aware of safe sleep guidance, as I would never forgive myself, or them, if the worst happened.

OP, please don't engage in any conversation with your MIL regarding how long you'll be breastfeeding for. I say this because even yourself may not know how long for. I said would stop at 6 months but went on for about a year because my DS refused formula of any kind so I had no choice. It's a very uncertain decision.

If MIL had dropped the topic of overnight stays into conversation or sent a text herself I can see how a sit down meeting might be a bit much, but she's the one who has...

...put pressure on them with a bedroom for DD in her house

...thrown her toys out of the pram when told they're not ready for overnight stays yet

..is now trying to dictate how long OP BF for (via the husband) in order to satisfy her needs for sleepovers

Under these circumstances I don't think a text will suffice, and OP would be very unwise to be cajoled into saying how long she plans to BF for.

I think a sit down meeting is a bit heavy and it would be better for DH to text saying “she’ll probably be breastfed until she’s at least a year old which we both think is important so let’s hang fire on the sleepovers”

I disagree that breastfeeding should be given as the only stumbling block to sleepovers at MIL’s house, because as soon as BF stops she’s going to start pressurising again.

Same! I always said I would stop at 6mo but here I am now at almost 10mo with no plans to stop. Its not easy to just wean a BF baby off the breast, and I certainly wouldn't do it just so someone else could have him overnight (it needs to be right for mum and baby... Not grandma 🤦🏻‍♀️)

she’ll probably be breastfed until she’s at least a year old which we both think is important so let’s hang fire on the sleepovers
If you say that to her she will interpret it as you consulting her about how long breastfeeding should continue and that will make her feel she has grounds to stick her oar in and try and push for what she wants... which is as much power and control over her grandchild as she can get.
I wouldn't discuss breastfeeding with her because it's not up for discussion, it's none of her business. Putting it on the table like that is inviting her to use it as a negotiating tool to get what she wants.

The word “sorry” is not always used as an apology. In this context it’s a firm polite opposite.

I think it's a good approach OP. Good luck and hopefully a constructive conversation in person will be beneficial for all.

I agree!
I think the impulse to let her have it with both barrels is understandable but it's better to not act on this, if you're able to handle it you can probably get the mother-in-law to restrain her impulses to dominate and find the part of her that will be a lovely grandma🥰
I wish you all the very best OP🌻

@MollyPocket

Do not apologise to MIL

But reasoning it with "in case the mother dies in childbirth" sound as a bit of a fear in the backround ;)

Well, yes, I am by nature a worrier!

But taken in context of human history, death in childbirth was very much a thing..
My great-grandmother gave birth then bled to death.
My mother gave birth then bled close to death.
My daughter gave birth then nearly bled to death - she had no pulse and about two minutes left to live when they got her to the hospital and saved her.
so...it's not unknown.

And here I thank - again - the ambulance driver and paramedics who made a seven-minute journey in three minutes to save my baby, and hospital team of nineteen who worked on saving her. If you're reading, she's the one who had said goodbye to her husband and went into theatre saying her prayers in Latin and committing her soul to the Lord. We still have her. Thank you.

Good plan to talk to her @MollyPocket . I agree with PPs that you should avoid saying sorry- this will reinforce her belief that she’s been wronged. Also to avoid talking about how long you plan to bf for. You could end up bf for another 2 months or 2 years, either way it’s none of her business.

I wouldnt sit my MIL and turn it into a huge formal discussion. Quite stressful as you don't know how she'd react. You and your husband can firmly but shortly explain how it is and set some boundaries, for example we will contact you when we feel comfortable and you do not need to give her a time or age or anything!.

Have you ever stayed over at your inlaws?
Maybe when your baby older you can all go over, not just your baby. I did that when my baby was around 8 months. I did the feeds, nights etc. It was quite good as i got a break too but i was around to watch her.
The first sleep over she had alone was when she was 3.5 years old.

Do not apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.