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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

818 replies

MollyPocket · 03/01/2023 12:05

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

OP posts:
mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 00:18

Bigbadfish · 03/01/2023 22:49

She is the definition of malicious.
She tried to cause damage to their marriage by divide and conquer. The OP can't trust her. Ever.

Show quote history

I’m nearly 70 and when I had my DD breast feeding was very much encouraged on the basis of as long as you feel is right. This was encouraged by the clinics doctors nurses the hospital I gave birth in magazine and radio articles etc. There was a campaign against Cow & Gate for pushing third world countries to expensively use their products instead of the free and most nutritious option. My mother and Grandmother also always said breast the best. So I don’t think her age is anything to do with it. She sounds like she has issues and wants a dolly to play with. Beware.

OooScotland · 04/01/2023 00:54

mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 00:18

I’m nearly 70 and when I had my DD breast feeding was very much encouraged on the basis of as long as you feel is right. This was encouraged by the clinics doctors nurses the hospital I gave birth in magazine and radio articles etc. There was a campaign against Cow & Gate for pushing third world countries to expensively use their products instead of the free and most nutritious option. My mother and Grandmother also always said breast the best. So I don’t think her age is anything to do with it. She sounds like she has issues and wants a dolly to play with. Beware.

Show quote history

I was born in the early 70’s (into a working class family in the industrial North, which I think is totally relevant) and I know it didn’t cross my Mum’s, and slightly later, my three older sisters, minds to breast feed.

I used to listen to them chatting and they were all of the opinion that breast was fine for middle class women with their liberal ideas and all the time in the world but for them bottle feeding was not a decision, but a matter of course and the modern way. It was doable by anyone on hand and acceptable in public. And just to make sure they all came home from the maternity ward with a huge supply of free formula, SMA brand.

Times have changed.

Newmumatlast · 04/01/2023 01:05

Always concerns me when grown adults are overly keen about sleepovers. Not suggesting this is abusive but it is a huge red flag re overstepping boundaries.

I am so close to my parents yet my child has only slept over twice and first time was around 2 years.

Kitkatcatflap · 04/01/2023 01:22

MissMarplesbag · 03/01/2023 12:11

Ask your mil how old your dh was when she sent him over for a sleepover at his grandma's, her mil, house.

Most definitely this.

She is absolutely out of order going behind your back to your DH. The decisions are personal and do not need undermining by a granny wanting to play dollies with a new baby.

You say you are home birds, seriously, unless it was an emergency, I would not be considering a lone sleepover until she was at least 2. What is the rush? Plenty of time for that later on in life.

Although awkward, I would let your MIL know that you have seen the texts to your DH. Say you were disappointed to read the texts especially when you'd had a conversation about your DD being too young for sleepovers. Also say that you felt let down by her lack of support for your choice to breast feed and saddened that you went to DH to encourage you to stop for a mere sleepover.

Good luck OP - you will need it with that one.

CelestiaNoctis · 04/01/2023 01:38

Wtf, your baby was just born pretty much and breastfed, shes definitely jumping the gun there. Also my children have never had a sleepover at my MILs either, because my parents have always been available to help so there's been no need to ask anyone else. Sounds like she could be a wonderful MIL if she wasn't batshit totally insane.

Badgirlriri · 04/01/2023 01:41

CelestiaNoctis · 04/01/2023 01:38

Wtf, your baby was just born pretty much and breastfed, shes definitely jumping the gun there. Also my children have never had a sleepover at my MILs either, because my parents have always been available to help so there's been no need to ask anyone else. Sounds like she could be a wonderful MIL if she wasn't batshit totally insane.

Well that’s massively unfair and unreasonable.

Geppili · 04/01/2023 01:42

My god! Your baby is tiny! Stick to your guns!

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/01/2023 01:50

She's a controlling and presumptive person, wow that would make me so angry. I wouldn't wait til you see her (though I wouldn't want to see her at all), I would feel so steaming and incensed. I would actually text her and say we "won't be letting her sleep over until she is in primary school or older. Please stop asking. This is final. I won't discuss it with you again." Or something like that.

MavisMcMinty · 04/01/2023 02:07

At the very least you have to make your DH see how weird and inappropriate is this wish of his mother. He won’t back you up if he thinks it’s reasonable behaviour on her part, so he needs to know it isn’t.

StopStartStop · 04/01/2023 03:08

I stand by my earlier comment but would add...

When dgd was on the way, I did have fantasies about decorating a room for her at my house. This surprised both dd and me, and (reasonably) wasn't well-received.

I didn't expect to have such a thought, I'm very respectful of my daughter and wouldn't want to intrude. My rationalisation of the experience is that it is probably a survival instinct - grandmother readying a nest in case the mother dies in childbirth.

I don't see the room as a problem - but the demand to separate the baby from the mother definitely is.

Cappuccino17 · 04/01/2023 03:59

What a horrible situation. She's really controlling isn't she. I'd say nope. Don't give in. It's a lot of pressure and your baby is so young she needs you and you and her are building such an important bond at this moment. It's selfish of your MIL to even attempt to take that away from you. You bf for as long as you need to.
My MIL was a bit more diplomatic when I had mine she'd ask me to leave my baby over with her on 1.1s at an early age, really subtly or hint it. I had to tell her no I can't as I was bfing. She never suggested nights though! My baby was up every 2 hours in the night and needed feeding so wouldn't even know how that would work. Have you not told her she needs feeding in the night? And needs you there for comfort? It's weird she has suggested this? I don't get where she is coming from!

lifeinthehills · 04/01/2023 07:37

OooScotland · 04/01/2023 00:54

I was born in the early 70’s (into a working class family in the industrial North, which I think is totally relevant) and I know it didn’t cross my Mum’s, and slightly later, my three older sisters, minds to breast feed.

I used to listen to them chatting and they were all of the opinion that breast was fine for middle class women with their liberal ideas and all the time in the world but for them bottle feeding was not a decision, but a matter of course and the modern way. It was doable by anyone on hand and acceptable in public. And just to make sure they all came home from the maternity ward with a huge supply of free formula, SMA brand.

Times have changed.

Show quote history

I was born in the 70s and breastfed for 9 months. I nursed all of mine for 2-2.5 years.

CloudPop · 04/01/2023 08:10

Why do grandparents so often have this obsession with having very young babies for sleepovers? I find it baffling.

saraclara · 04/01/2023 08:21

Also my children have never had a sleepover at my MILs either, because my parents have always been available to help

Sorry what? So your in-laws are only back up grandparents @CelestiaNoctis ? Only your parents actually count?

That's appalling. No wonder many paternal grandparents feel that they are treated as very much second best.

katepilar · 04/01/2023 08:21

StopStartStop · 04/01/2023 03:08

I stand by my earlier comment but would add...

When dgd was on the way, I did have fantasies about decorating a room for her at my house. This surprised both dd and me, and (reasonably) wasn't well-received.

I didn't expect to have such a thought, I'm very respectful of my daughter and wouldn't want to intrude. My rationalisation of the experience is that it is probably a survival instinct - grandmother readying a nest in case the mother dies in childbirth.

I don't see the room as a problem - but the demand to separate the baby from the mother definitely is.

Instinct to provide back up and support you your daughter and your daughter's child, yes. But reasoning it with "in case the mother dies in childbirth" sound as a bit of a fear in the backround ;)

katepilar · 04/01/2023 08:25

Its interesting that this idea of a grandmother having a baby over for sleepovers pops up fairly often. I wonder whether this comes from them not having been able to looking after their own children back in their time as much or as well as they had wished and this has made them to feel this way?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/01/2023 08:27

MoggyP · 03/01/2023 12:17

  1. it is useful to teach your baby to drink from a bottle, so that she can be left (either in an emergency - such as your being ill or having an accident - or so you can leave her when you want to)

  2. they want to help, and your baby won't always be tiny - there will come a time when having helpful and competent GPs on hand could be very useful. They become competent by good communication with you and DH, and by spending time with sole charge of DC

  3. straight to overnight is a bit much - but what about a couple of hours here and there?

My guess is that they are worried that you mean never. And perhaps need some reassurance that that's not the case.

I think there are risks in stonewalling them, and benefits in improving communication. You need to stop damning her for "carrying on like this" and planning to punish her by withholding sleepovers and babysitting all together.

I agree. Give it a while and you'll be biting her hand off for a break. She's just got over excited by the sounds of things.

Stravaig · 04/01/2023 08:30

I know people who, while they chose to move for multiple reasons, count their blessings that they are now a very healthy distance from some problematic in-laws. A couple of visits a year is much easier to mediate than warding off constant interference in your marriage and parenting. Something to bear in mind, OP?

ButterCrackers · 04/01/2023 08:32

No to the sleep overs. She has no respect to you and your parenting choices. She also didn’t ask. I read it as 4years at first but it’s 4months! 4months is not the time for sleepovers at this mil. She probably wants to gaze into a cot with a baby sleeping through the night and then waking up and go and check on the baby and find her gd smiling at her. She has no thought to the sheer unrelenting hard work it is being a parent. A life like baby doll would be what I’d reply back at her. She is thinking of this instead of the needs of her real life gd.

Stravaig · 04/01/2023 08:46

@StopStartStop I like that you caught yourself, and tried to analyse what might be going on for you, because fundamentally you respect your daughter and her role as a mother. I think that's the difference between trustworthy, and not.

DOCTORCEE · 04/01/2023 09:06

MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’!

YANBU!

This is absolutely outrageous! Tell her the WHO recommends that babies are where possible breastfed to the age of two and beyond.

jesusjoan · 04/01/2023 09:30

Newmumatlast · 04/01/2023 01:05

Always concerns me when grown adults are overly keen about sleepovers. Not suggesting this is abusive but it is a huge red flag re overstepping boundaries.

I am so close to my parents yet my child has only slept over twice and first time was around 2 years.

Why is it a red flag? As grandparents we enjoy spending time with our grandkids and encourage sleepovers. It's a treat for them as well and our kids totally welcome the break and also encourage it. Odd how that's concerning and that you would even mention the word "abusive".

Unless you are solely referring to the OP's MIL but I don't think you are. Just rank ageism on here.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/01/2023 09:31

Where is your DH in all of this? Why isn't he telling his mother to back off??

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 04/01/2023 09:56

jesusjoan · 04/01/2023 09:30

Why is it a red flag? As grandparents we enjoy spending time with our grandkids and encourage sleepovers. It's a treat for them as well and our kids totally welcome the break and also encourage it. Odd how that's concerning and that you would even mention the word "abusive".

Unless you are solely referring to the OP's MIL but I don't think you are. Just rank ageism on here.

Show quote history

Yes it's very concerning. And yes its a HUGE red flag regarding boundaries.

Let the MOTHER, you know the one who carried the child in their womb and gave birth to them initiates when THEY are ready!!

If you can't see how that is overstepping boundaries than you too are in the same category as OP's MIL

jesusjoan · 04/01/2023 10:04

@Itschristmastimeinthecity Bloody hell. Well I'll let my kids know your thoughts next time they ask us if our grandkids can stay (or when we ask if they want to stay). Your words are absolutely shameful.