MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

I totally disagree with this. The woman does not respect you or your position as mother. She is in competition with you and wants to develop a relationship with your child away from your supervision so that she can undermine you ('not my taste') and try to raise your child her way. I'd be sourcing my childcare elsewhere quite frankly. I don't leave my kids with people I don't trust and she's shown you shouldn't trust her

I am going to guess this MIL never had a daughter and now wants to make this baby the dd she never had!

I would tread very carefully from now on OP, she is probably going to be a very controlling MIL - don't relinquish your control of how you raise your daughter too easily as it will be very difficult to claw it back - politely but firmly set boundaries right from the off. I would've just laughed "for goodness sake, she's nowhere near ready overnight stays - she's a tiny baby"

You can just say "no, I'm not ready for that I'm afraid". No discussion necessary - don't get drawn into justifying yourself.

You say

“I will not be stopping breastfeeding my baby in order to stop the tantrums of a grown woman who is demanding sleepovers. We will not discuss this again.”

The we is very important. Your DH must back you up on this.

Your MiL is being delusional and has massively overstepped the mark. I had this with mine and we held firm. It isn't your fault she took the liberty of decorating a room in her house. She is thinking about herself, not your daughter's best interest, and she is not respecting you as parents.

A new baby is always exciting, but the reality is that young babies only really need their mother. Then Daddy comes into the picture, but is often less important to them for the first year or two. As they get older they begin to become interested in other people like extended family and friends. It is important that you and your daughter develop your own family life together as she gets older. You will find that before long she is invited to birthday parties and other mothers invite you over to play or you want to invite them over to your house. Grandparents will have to fit in with that. If they are willing to be helpful they get more of a look-in. If they are overbearing then they tend to end up being excluded.

If it is any conciliation, we found my MiL lost interest after a while and never wanted to provide useful childcare. Consequently the children have never had an unaccompanied sleepover with their paternal grandparents. When work commitments meant I needed occassionalhelp on an emergency basis it was my mother who was willing to step up, not my MiL.

4 months?! Wtf

@Veryxonfused I know! But then my MiL was getting other people to raise sleepovers with me from 3 weeks. My youngest had health problems and co-slept with us for 4 years. She would wake 10 times a night for a long time. There was no way my MiL would have coped. I was barely functioning much of the time! But apparently I was making it all up to prevent her from having a sleepover. MiLs really are that obsessive and batty.

She's got herself overexcited being a grandma. She's not being malicious but that generation weren't encouraged to breastfeed particularly (especially if she's over 70) so don't get it.

Smile sweetly and say when she's older... you might appreciate regular breaks by then!

This is a nice response. Assertive and kind, not rude.

In an ideal world I think sleepovers from about 18 months could work but there needs to be a close relationship including lots of daytime sole charge. In our case we don't live close enough to see GPs more than once a month, and my 3 year old doesn't want to stay there on her own. Hoping she will at some point soon but currently she's not great at theirs overnight even with us there (although she does love to visit them).

I remember when I was a little girl being loved and spoilt by my grandparents. Lovely memories your baby is very lucky to be surrounded or suffocated by all this love. Set boundaries that’s all you can do.

She is the definition of malicious.
She tried to cause damage to their marriage by divide and conquer. The OP can't trust her. Ever.

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I thought that you and your husband had already agreed how to deal with this.

About breastfeeding - that’s about 99% a matter for you. Because your body your choice. The 1% is that you might decide to take account of your husbands views if it’s going to adversely affected him directly. For example, if you Bf means you can’t take meds which affect your health so he needs to me at home more.

But otherwise it’s up to you.

And you have alreday agreed that you don’t want your Dd going on sleepovers for a long time yet. That one is about 90% your decision as you and baby are still on the 4th trimesters AND are you BF AND you are the one who has sacrificed time out your career to be the main carer for now.

I don’t see anywhere for decisions to me made by a committee made up of you, your DH and your MIL where you can be outvoted by them. I’d strongly advise you Not I repeat NOT meet your MIL to get her to agree to what you want.

I promise that you will regret it for the next 20 years if you don’t set FIRM boundaries with you MIL now. Or rather your husband needs to set the boundaries with his mother.

HE need to contact her NOW by whatever means and tell her

1. how you feed your baby is your choice and will be based on what is best for you and baby. If you need advice you will ask your doctor. She is not to offer her opinion unless it’s asked for.
2. You and your Dh will decide when baby is ready for a sleepover but you expect that it will be years not weeks. Again it will be based on a baby’s welfare not hers.
3. If your MIL is not able to respect you two in your role as parents then its going to be hard for you to see so much of her as you do right now.

You MUST insist that your husband steps up and deals with his mother. Do not let him throw you under the bus so that he doesn’t have to deal with her. Weak men like him combined with manipulative and interfering MIL have destroyed many marriages. Don’t let it be yours.

90% of ordinary MIL issues can be solved by repeatedly passing it back to your Husband to deal with. Which he will when it becomes HIS problem and not yours.

Just keep hitting the ball back to him .

When MIL phones you, say Hi how are you and then pass him the phone to speak to her.

Don’t take phone calls or have visits from her when he’s not at home.

Be 100% polite but don’t get involved in the details.

She is not your friend or confidant and she has already shown that she doesn’t have your child’s best interest the heart.

I say all this as MIL.

Did you give permission to decorate your child’s room ?
This all sounds like my mum, very controlling, critical and manipulative.
If you don’t nip it all in the bud now, believe me it doesn’t get any better.
My mum undermined my parenting every step of the way. I’ve had to cut my mum completely out of our lives because it got far too much and she wouldn’t stop.

Did you give permission to decorate your child’s room ?

Why would mil need permission to decorate a room in her own house?

Ah it was her house, my apologies as mis understood that bit.
But all the same isn’t that OTT 🤷‍♀️

ExMIL decorated two bedrooms for DDs once my ex and his brother moved out. DDs were 12 and 10 at the time, spent one weekend a month there. Loved it. Very, very different age to a baby.

My youngest has no Grandparents. My ex was/is abusive, isn’t allowed near us. My own parents - one is an alcoholic, so I’ve been NC for years, the other one just can’t be arsed with his children or grandchildren.

I would not love it if anyone decorated a room for any of my children at 4 months old.

@ChillyB

Mine " won" a night away on a b and b nothing special and these people who firstly I know hate me kindly offered me this night away and "oh we don't mind watching the children".

Of course it's somewhere they would never dream of staying!

Who in earth sends a 4 month old for a sleepover? 4 year maybe. She’s trying to steal your baby!

I would be so angry if a parent or in-law was trying to stop me breastfeeding so they could steal my baby away. I’d also be annoyed that your husband didn’t tell her to fuck off

With my first baby I was living at my mums. I wasn’t breast feeding. My mum would literally come in my room while I was asleep, take my baby and give her a bottle. I’ve only found this out 30 years later.

Please don’t stay at your mil house or her stay at yours as she sound like the same type of person.

I did at five months.

Ditto never heard of it here in Uk

Haha. It’s not unheard of.

completely fine if it was your choice and you felt comfortable, bit different if you have someone demand to have your baby once or twice every single week.

the thing is when we are looking for people to look after our children rationally and good sense plays a huge part in that, and the mil is showing really poor judgement here.

Surely, as a Grandparent, as long as you love your grandchildren and spend time with them you can be a wonderful grandparent without doing overnight visits? I only ever stayed one night with my GP and can honestly say I loved them very much. I honestly don't get the current obsession with overnights.