MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Sleepovers are for children, not babies.
Crazy woman; breastfeeding is recommended for at least 12 months, anyway.

magratvonlipwig it's weird. That baby is only 4 months, that she secretly prepared a princess palace, and that she is texting the DH telling him what she wants him to do in order to get access to the baby sleepover asap. Without involving the baby's mother, his wife. That's VERY weird. Did you separately plan with your son against his wife to access sole contact with your grandaughter?

She is 4 months old for goodness sake! And she’s telling you to stop breastfeeding! Unbelievable! YANBU!

Just no! Grandparents need to support the parents, not try to take the baby. How absurd and selfish!

I look after various DGC A LOT. I babysit - occasionally as it's not often required.

They stay over once in a blue moon at parents' request.

I have never decorated a room for them. I shoved a cot in the spare room when one was needed (during the day). They now sleep in spare rooms.

I do not do 'sleepovers'

It's not just you. I had never heard of it outside of MN, but I assumed it was a cultural thing that's done elsewhere but not in the U.S.

Nip this in the bud now or you are in for more hardship down the line. We gave in and sent DD on a sleepover as we thought we needed the decent night sleep. Mil refused to follow any of our routines and when baby came back it took us long tortorous sleepless nights to get her back to routine again. Not to mention mil is going behind my back on other thing now because I didn't speak up when I should have

Nuts and exactly what my MIL would do if we didn’t live in a different country. Not ok and stay strong x

Sounds like a very tricky situation. Could you all go over for a sleepover one night? Maybe you and dd could sleep in the same room together so you can breastfeed and look after her incase she wakes up? I don't know whether or not this would work but it's an idea.
If you decided to go ahead with this idea, you should take her round more often first so that she is comfortable and familiar with mil's house and you should bring distractions for baby too.
Good luck!

Sounds like my ex-MIL. There is a good reason why the courts banned her from having contact with her other two grandchildren & why I was reluctant for her to have anything to do with mine. Overbearing, disrespectful, & completely oblivious to boundaries. Whilst I was unable to breastfeed, there was still no way on earth I would have allowed my 4 month old to go on sleepovers. At 4 months, your baby needs you, not crazy unicorn lady who thinks it is any of her business how you feed your baby! I really hope your DH told her to fuck off?

I remember the weird desperation for my daughter to stay over when she was a baby. I’m not sure where it comes from but there did seem to be an expectation that it was a thing. Perhaps your in-laws have seen friends having their grand children staying with them & have got about ahead of themselves. My daughter ten now has probably only had 3 sleepovers at GPS without us there. She was the first grand child for both sets of grandparents and to be honest they all went a bit nuts for a bit. They seemed to have regained their senses by the time my second and third were born so didn’t suggest so many daft things. Now there are other grandchildren as well which makes things easier as the obsession isn’t all directed at one kid/one set of parents! Basically what I’m saying is that they will calm down - stand firm do only what you are comfortable with and eventually they’ll get the message!

@MissConductUS @User839516

There is a certain other well-known forum which has a bunch of “subcategories” and one such sub is called JustNoMIL. It’s primarily American and it’s filled with tales exactly like this and worse! Poor mothers absolutely beside themselves because their partners have sided with the MIL and insisted that baby be allowed to go to the MIL as often as MIL wants and poor mum has no say whatsoever! And unsurprisingly, there is another sub called JustNoSO for people whose partners are saying this rubbish to get support. It’s a real eye opener!

It doesn't mater what your MIL wants, don't let her manipulate you and your husband as the parents into doing anything you are not comfortable with. Babies do not need to sleepover with anyone and should be with their mother especially if breastfed. I bet she had no daughters of her own and is trying to live a fantasy. My MIL was the same, very pushy but I was firm with her and gave her no room to argue. My daughter went for a sleepover at her grandparents for the first time at 4 years old despite her making a bedroom for her at 2 years old. At 8 years old she spends around 6 nights there a year during school breaks as her choice. I also taught her no secrets from mummy and daddy as grandma has a fondness for saying things like that - don't tell mummy!

Mine is 8 years and no sleepovers yet 😂😂😂😂

I always think these threads are mental. 4 years maybe, not 4 months!

None of my dc ever had a sleepover at gp’s. At least 10 years before sleepover at a friends.
My dgc occasionally have a sleepover if their parents request it and dgc happy to stay.
I don’t get these gp’s who basically demand to have overnight care of baby dgc.
Babies are best off with their mothers and mothers are the best judge of if and when sleepovers happen.
Do not be pushed into anything you’re not happy with OP. Your dc, your choices.

she see's the child as belonging to her and her son with you as a mere vessel to provide an heir for her son.
She wants to get her claws in while the child is young and disrupt the bond that you have with her by using a backchannel to try and exert control

Definitely not unreasonable. Sounds like she wants to pretend she's her baby tbh. Creepy. My eldest son's grandmother was the same. Maybe suggest a reborn doll.

While your breastfeeding no it definitely not unreasonable. Even if you weren't nobody should demand sleep overs. It's a shame I think she is just running high on emotion of the disappointment (she shouldn't of assumed before finding out and decorating a room) My boys where around 2 I think when they had sleep overs and they love my ILs I think she has to learn to be patient and realise it's her grandy baby not her baby and there will be plenty of time for bonding and even having alone time provided you feel happy. There is no rush. Don't take it personal just stick to your guns and don't feel pressured to stop feeding your baby yourself just to please someone else.

My MIL actually once suggested that my baby slept in her actual bed with her. I just gave a strange look. She didn't even actually suggest it she just kind of said ' I've been thinking about having GC in bed with me tonight'. Like the assumption was there that I would comply!

Seems kind of mean to treat your MIL different to your own parents. No wonder nobody wants a son 🤔

This woman is insane! How dare she tell you not to breastfeed or when your child can stay out. Why an earth would she sleep out 2 nights a week you’re not coparenting.

As her behaviour is so nuts I suspect she’s a very controlling person in other ways. Honestly, I think she only decorated the room to manipulate you in to feeling bad for her. What a wacko!

Your daughter, your rules.

Nah, fuck that. I’m very close with my own mum, and she didn’t have my DD for a sleepover til she was 1. I wasn’t ready til then.

It’s not often a post makes me gasp aloud, but OP your post did.

In your shoes I would breast feed until your DD is 4 (and I didn’t BF!). You and DH need to present a united front and tell her she has over stepped the mark massively and that by trying to manipulate your husband she has shown she cannot be trusted.

With all that in mind, I would reduce contact massively and tell her sleep overs are not happening. She actually sounds unhinged.

People do what suits them and their family set up best, but I couldn’t have left my babies overnight at 4 months. Just wouldn’t have wanted to be parted. One Dc stayed away at 9 months because we had a huge event, and I was up at the crack of dawn the following morning to reclaim them.

There is no way your MIL’s decorating efforts should influence your breastfeeding choices. Your DH needs to be clear: your baby’s feeding is a choice to be influenced by you and you alone and not for the benefit of her grandmother! There is no compromise or middle way here. Your baby goes to others when you feel ready.

praise her nursery prep, say how much Dd will love it when she is old enough to appreciate it, but stand firm on your feelings.

Feeding aside: Your maternal feelings don’t have to be justified. This is your baby, not a time-share!

Good luck.