MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Tell her she's putting you under pressure to change babies whole routine and care. Eg breastfeeding and co sleeping.

Tell her you both get enough sleep and when the day comes that you both want to pop out for a few hours she can babysit. But you don't expect your dc to go on a sleepover until their much older ie toddler/5yrs (insert acceptable age). You do appreciate her love for the baby (but don't overstep!)

I'd be telling her that my intention is to feed her at lunchtime thought the school railings!!!

No - that will simply increase the harassment and pressure to stop breast feeding.

The right time to let a child stay away from its parents is when both parents feel ready for it. Not before. Its not just about breast feeding - some children are ready before others, some parents are ready before others.

Most families manage this perfectly well when the time is right for all parties. Its generally just the absurd, like DGPs wanting women to give up breastfeeding so that they can play dress up dolls, which make it into threads here.

Mine have a super close, loving relationship with grandparents and can count on one hand the number of times they have stayed for sleepovers. We do days out and visits to their houses all the time. I absolutely adored my own grandparents-they lived 4 hours away and we only ever visited as a family a few times throughout the year. Staying over is nothing to do with being a grandparent.

Perhaps some grandparents need to remember they had their chance to have kids. The OP has her time to be a Mum now and doesnt feel comfortable with sleepovers (99% of people probably feel the same unless absolutely necessary at 4 months) and may not do for a long time or ever. Its their child, their choice and no normal grandparent would act the way she has behaved.

Your DH needs to tell her firmly that 4 months is far too young for a sleepover, and that how long you breastfeed for is none of her business and then he needs to shut down any further conversation about it, other than "we will let you know when she is old enough to stay overnight with you". You can tell her that the room is lovely. She should not be expecting to have your DD on a regular basis though.

My DD has always loved staying with my parents and always had her own bedroom there as it was her second home (I'm a single parent), and loved the Nana time where they were baking and doing stuff together.

My mum wouldn't have her overnight until she was about 2 though, by her own choice.

Wow! How awful of your MIL. I couldn't imagine leaving a tiny breastfed baby with anyone at that age, OP.

Maybe when your DD is 4 years. Not 4 months FFS.

She is being ridiculous. Not only that, she is interfering with your decision to breastfeed your baby! That is outrageous. I hope your DH is sticking up for you.

She was very presumptuous to decorate a bedroom and assume sleep overs would begin soon.
4 months is very young, and you breastfeed. My DC is 3 and has never slept overnight away from me yet . It isn’t something you have to do. You are the parent , your baby , your rules.

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This isn't "nice" or "lovely" in any way. MIL decorated the room for the little girl in herself and I would feel a bit spooked about handing my baby over, she definitely sounds off her rocker. My daughter's first sleep overs were with primary school friends. Why would there be a sleep over with her except for maybe a special arrangement for a particular reason? Does she fully understand who has had the baby? Really VERY not alright what she said to DH, both from a manipulative and incorrect perspective. She sounds desperate, don't let it be ever.....

I was frequently made to feel like that as well - I found support at toddler groups with other mothers and grandmothers.

We were to never expect childcare of a helping hand if we needed it - every things was to be at their convenience - expectation we'd drop everything and run round them with the children - I think that was what finally brought DH round slow realisation it was all one way and grumbling about few things he did on Saturday with kids and enjoyed weren't dropped for them - took him time to find no was possible and them that compromise and discussion was more productive way to approach things - things were easier when he was on same page as me.

I would breastfeed until she was 6 out of pure spite.

She is nuts.

Appreciate she has gone to a lot of trouble, but DD is YOUR baby.

So breastfeeding etc is YOUR decision. In YOUR time and YOU will decide when she stays somewhere (without YOU).

Your DH needs to rein his mother in.

Stick to your guns.

😂

Your DH could send his mum a link to Gransnet with a suggestion that she seek advice on there……

Jesus christ. My mum loves her grandkids but never once insisted they stay the night. My daughter stays occasionally and my son has never stayed anywhere without me. I'd be massively put out by her expectations. Your baby is 4 months! She can't just expect to have sleepovers.

Nuts. And selfish to dictate your B feeding so she can play nanny! Tell her no not until you're ready.

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Yanbu. No way before 3. My DD is 6 and I've suggested it to her but told no as she needs her mummy hug and mummy to read bedtime story. Tbh I'm DD class only a couple have sleepovers with grandparents...most don't as at six still too young .. it's up to you but a breast feed baby no way.

My MIL and SIL did this. It upset me so much. I felt they were far more interested in getting their way than whether my kids would enjoy being with them and I really disliked the thought process that they were entitled to take my children. It caused a lot of mistrust towards them. My kids are now much older (eldest is 12) and haven't ever stayed a night in their house.

I’d be telling her to go fuck herself.

Trying to dictate how long OP breastfeeds for so that she can have DGC overnight goes a beyond 'a bit eager' IMO...

I would find that bedroom reveal terrifying to be honest with you! Too over the top, too presumptuous, far too soon and also scary that she’s texting things like that to your DP behind your back.

She’s shown she’s not above manipulating your DH and going behind your back to him and you have already said that she can be controlling. I would worry about how she could be emotionally blackmailing my child if I left them there alone.

This is exactly how I felt/feel about my MIL. Her disregard and manipulation have caused serious mistrust and damaged the relationship between my children and MIL.

Its a pity but trust has to be earned too.

And it’s perfectly okay for you to let the family know you’re not happy about it and why. You’re going to need very strong boundaries with them by the looks of it.