MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Can you visit and put baby down for a nap in the pretty pink room? Obviously not quite what MIL wants but it might be a good way to build bridges in the short term?

I would say that I'm going to breastfeed for 2 years sorry.

oh god dd blooming spell check 🤣

My children all regularly stayed with both sets of grandparents when babies. Just an alternative view.

Presumably because you were happy for them to do so and it had been discussed, not demanded or expected?

The problem is not whether the baby is old enough to stay there or not.

The problem is she thinks she can challenge the decisions you make for yourselves and your baby.

Your dh needs to set crystal clear boundaries and tell her it is your child and she needs to learn to accept the decisions you make as parents or otherwise your relationship with her will suffer.

He should tell her he understands and loves that she wants to spend time with the baby, but she needs to accept as parents you might not be comfortable leaving the baby with anyone yet and she needs to accept that comes first. Trying to manipulate and suggesting ridiculous ideas like stopping BF will not be tolerated and here actions will make it awkward to visit with the baby at all.

My DM & PIL offered for babysitting overnight & work related issues. We gratefully accepted.

I just struggle to believe there are actual real people who are like this, honestly. I’ve only ever heard about this baby sleepover thing on mumsnet - is it just me? I cannot imagine a grown woman trying to insist upon taking a tiny baby away from its mother overnight so that they can ‘have a shot’ as if this tiny precious vulnerable little thing is some kind of toy to take turns of. WTAF is wrong with people? I can’t believe she told your DH ‘don’t let her breastfeed too long’ I honestly don’t think I’d ever be able to talk to her again after that, what a compete and utter selfish arsehole of a woman. LTMIL!

Ok to give her the benefit of the doubt, its not nuts to decorate a room for your grandchild at your house, it's not like decor goes off, and a 5 year old will still like pink / princess / unicorns. So might be genuine excitement rather than manipulation.

Expecting it from 4 months for a breastfed baby is pushy but although most people don't like leaving a baby then, plenty do want to so it's not like its unheard of

I think however that the breastfeeding conversation is pretty unforgivable. How you feed your own baby is absolutely none of her concern and makes me think that she does not have the babys best interests at heart. And secondly 'tell your wife' also seems like she is trying to get in between your husband and you and implies that your husband isn't on the same page and is just putting up with your parenting preferences.

However saying that, lots of people go batshit with excitement over a new baby. And you and your husband are homebodys and dont want babysitting but you are likely to in the future. Even if you're not big on date nights or going out for meals etc you will still likely need babysitting for medical appointments, other stuff that it's not appropriate to take a toddler along to (seeing a mortgage advisor, designing your new kitchen, change in working patterns, loads of things) and sometimes you might just fancy going a walk together or something. Dont think because you dont want to be parted from your baby now, that that will always be the case. If you decide when the baby is older that you really need a break to do something, but they don't have a good relationship with anyone else because you've not let that happen, then it becomes a catch 22.

She got a bit (ok a lot) over excited and made a shitty and inappropriate comment to her son (which you were never supposed to read). I do think you need to ensure you have strong boundaries and enforce them but I dont think that's worth a huge fall out or stopping your baby have a close relationship with the grandparents for.

This is batshit. My DD has had a very close relationship with my mother (she has helped with one day of weekly childcare since she was 6 months old) but she still very much stays in the "spare room" at her house on the odd nights she has stayed over there (which hasn't been often). She hasn't decorated it to my DD's tastes, or anything like that. I can't imagine my own mother doing a designated room for my DD, let alone my MIL.

Such a tone deaf thing to do and what a waste of her time and effort. Very controlling. Breastfeed as long as you want!

”Our daughter will be breastfed for as long as WE want to, we, being me and dd. No one else decides or ‘allows’ the length of time it takes, be it six months or two or three years, I’ll wean her when she’s ready to be weaned. As for sleepovers, I’m not ready for her to be apart from me for sleepovers for one or two nights a week, she’s four months old.”
Or you could just laugh and say no, don’t be silly, it’s too soon. Buy her one of those reborn dolls.
Seriously though your DH needs to tell her to back off, she’s had her turn at motherhood and now it’s yours.

Fucking hell. Tell her to fuck right off!!!!! Entitled woman. Absolutely mad

Oh yes please buy her one of those reborn dolls! That should bring into sharp focus what an absolute nutter she is being.

Ok..yeah...

There is no way i would let my baby go to a sleepover at ANYONES at four months even four years,five maybe and maybe not even then

Oh for goodness sake! Fine and lovely she's got the room ready, for when you and DD are ready (one day you'll bite her hand off) but it might be another 6 months or 2 years till it happens. Depends on when you and DD is ready. She is being needy.

She's your MIL- get your DH to deal with it.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I can’t believe some people actually feel like this!

Sorry but your grandkids are not your kids. They’re someone else’s kids. You’re not entitled to anything.

Obviously they were sane (unlike her MIL) and you wanted or needed it. She doesn’t and the MIL sounds like she has major issues…

So she wants you to stop doing something that is highly beneficial to her grandchild just so she can have her? I wouldn’t let her anywhere near your child as she’ll be trying to wean her early as per the advice when she was a mother. Also to suggest DH get you in order wtaf?

You will breastfeed until it suits you and the baby, you will think about sleepovers when it suits you and your baby, not when it suits MIL and she better deal with it.

Oh dear @MollyPocket it would seem that you have a very eager and keen MIL.

How have your parents been? It could be useful to point out to your DH that in contrast, your mum hasn’t redecorated rooms and made plans for a 2 night per week arrangement.

But what if she had? Would DH be happy for his mum to have DD 2 nights per week, your mum to have DD 2 nights per week and you and he therefore only get DD for 3 nights per week?

I think rather than saying anything about his mum, you should state the case exactly like this!

If DD is effectively spending 4 nights, and presumably the accompanying days with either his parents or yours, when do you and he get to spend time with DD?

Because surely even the most unreasonable of people, which you haven’t indicated that DH is, could see how absolutely ludicrous this is?

And how unfair to your parents it would be for MIL to get 2 nights per week whilst they get none! (Let’s assume for arguments sake that they actually may want sleepovers on at least an equal basis with PIL)

Even divorced parents who do an even 50/50 split get a whole 7 days and nights every fortnight - under this arrangement you and DH would be getting less time than if you were divorced!

I think extreme logic as set out above is what is needed here, both when you speak to DH about this and also when you and he speak to MIL about it. And if MIL wails about decorating bedrooms, well, no one told her to do so! And if she tries to say that she’s more important than your parents, well, that’s not how grandparenting works and it’s certainly not how adulting works either!

I’m a grandparent but I wouldn’t ever leave my kids alone with a grandparent like this.

She’s shown she’s not above manipulating your DH and going behind your back to him and you have already said that she can be controlling. I would worry about how she could be emotionally blackmailing my child if I left them there alone.

And sleepovers are for fun times with mates! Is MIL 4 months old and able to have fun at a 4 month old level? Or is she one of those crazy FB grandmas that are all over certain other forums? Does she want the baby to stay over so that she can have all friends around and show them what a good grandma she is, doing all the heavy lifting to give poor old MollyPocket and DH a break? Because they can’t cope with a young baby?

I would be cautious about her motives. Your child is not her do over baby! Is DH an only child or are there siblings? Does she expect those children to handover their babies when they arrive?

I had this with pfb the room was decorated and shown off to everyone a week after she was born.

I was breast feeding and that was an issue in their minds but then my family who didn't want visits were equally critical. We went over a few times all together for a visits and baby slept in room though most of night in bed with safety changes with us as usual- and then we did the unthinkable - had another child and move further away for work. MIL hated motherhood initially hate idea of being a GM - but then went serious OTT which I found very off putting.

The kids did actually stay in room for few overnight trips when DD1 was nearer 5 but first with middle child as well then with all. It was re-decorated form full on pink with pfb name everywhere when kids started asking why it was done that way.

They have been problematic over the years - and took way to long to get boundaries respected but they have been very good grandparents to the children - room was changed to accommodate them all and they had some fun memories of the place and time with GP. I wish they been less difficult in early years and they did mar enjoyment and some memories but some of that was DH as well not being firm and clear with them.

So I'd try very hard not to get pinned down to time and ages - and keep saying not yet and your BF for babies benefit - and gently push it down the road and make sure your DH is on the same page as you.

I know those posters suggesting a reborn doll were half joking/illustrating a point but…..I’m in a crafting community for adult art dolls and honestly, the way she did the room up and is desperate to have a (your) tiny baby all to herself, she sounds exactly like members of our group who also do reborn.

I’d seriously try and get her into it. She’d make friends and be able to enjoy the baby experience as long and as often as she wanted. It does sound fucking weird to most people and like any hobby it can get very expensive but I’ve seen it really help some women who want that ‘weight in their arms’ again.

Wow reading these comments makes me feel better and I’m kinda in the same boat. I am being made to feel like I’m in the wrong as I don’t like my DS sleeping out unnecessarily. Even my DP said well they are the grandparent and I’m literally being made to feel like I’m controlling over my own child. Why does no one around me share these views. I agree and think you should stand your ground OP!