MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

I mean a sleepover might be nice if you have a wedding to go to when she’s five but once or twice a week?! I’m getting Hand That Rocks the Cradle vibes.

No no no and no. She would never be having DD for sleepovers after that stunt.

Also, 4mo is way too young even if she had asked nicely.

Your DH needs to really lay down the law here. She was totally out of line making a bedroom for DD in the first place, never mind making demands. Is she always this way inclined - throw a tantrum to get her own way?

Four MONTHS? I initially read this as four years but four months is batshit, as is wanting you to cut short BF so she can have overnights. That’s in no way in the interests of your baby.

And for all the MILs complaining on the recent “why are women mean on MN about their MILs?” thread, this. This is why.

the woman is batshit. ask her when she allowed her son to sleep over with people. it wont have been 4 months.

Oh and if she goes on about all the money and time spent decorating DD's room you can reply "well MIL if you had bothered to ask first, you would have been told no, it was inappropriate and DD would not be using a bedroom when she has her own bedroom at home".

Totally agree with a PP who said she's looking for a custody arrangement. Fuck that.

Also, I would be limiting their daytime visits after what she said about breastfeeding. Put her in her place. How dare she.

A sleepover at 4 months old!!!!! Your MIL is cracked if she thinks that’s normal.

I also read this as four years at first.
Four months makes this totally daft behavior from your MIL.

I’m normally a MIL defender but not in this case. That text alone would have me breastfeeding for as long as I possibly could. The emotional manipulation behind secretly decorating a room to reveal and a sleepover schedule already embedded in her brain is bonkers.

But one thing I would say op - don’t run scared of her. Don’t let your DH make snivelling excuses or try to appease. Be strong in your boundaries and say no, that’s not happening. Why? Because we are the parents and that’s it. No negotiation. Don’t rise to her batshittery and keep the rational high ground for the sake of your DD.

YANBU I thought you meant 4yrs for a minute not 4mths! Love that she wants to be involved but this is over the top, she needs to back way off.

Does MIL have another bedroom waiting to be decorated? Trying to gauge if she'll want you to provide another grandchild before she pushes for divorce and custody.

I find these requests from family members baffling. Of course its through love and babies are lovely etc. But...... Babies don't sleep!! That person will have a very disturbed night. Not to mention god forbid if something happened to the child whilst in their care, SIDS for example. If I ever become a grandparent I will never ever ask to do overnights unless it's an emergency or when the child is much much older. I'm talking years older.

Woah there.
She might be an eager grandparent but there is a time and a place. Showing a new mother who has an exclusively breast fed 4 month old a bedroom that has been decorated while the baby was much younger and presenting it as a done deal is not eager, it's way overstepping.
As for the suggestion that because the OP can't use her MiL for an overnight, she is also restricted from calling on her mother to step in - that's ridiculous! The OP will know her mother and is naturally closer to her mother so if she wants her mother to look after her baby, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her doing that and is a completely separate matter to the one that the OP is currently facing.

Geewhiz, I’m not a grandmother myself, but there’s absolutely no bloody way I’m having the grandchildren to stay until their verbal and can tell me what’s wrong. There is absolutely nothing worse than having to drive a kid home in the middle of the night because they’re inconsolable. And the only person they want is their mum.

She is definitely nuts to decorate a whole bedroom without having even asked about sleepovers first! When I was first reading it I thought you was going to say she was 4 nit 4 months! She is way too young to be away overnight. And how dare she tell your husband not to let you breastfeed! I think if I was tou I'd be texting her to let her know I'd seen the text and that I had no intention of stopping breastfeeding and that after thst text there I'd no way you will be letting her have her overnight!

Oh and also let her know it's classed as DV if a man tries to prevent his partner breastfeeding!

Absolute fucking lunatic. Don’t let her play mummies with your baby.

I didn’t let my dad stay at the in-laws until she could talk and talk clearly. In-laws are controlling and manipulative. First time she stayed they let her up to all hours so didn’t get her for another year or so!
I did however let her stay at my parents possibly from the age of a little older, roughly once a month. She now stays there once a week and it’s her favourite night of the week. She never had any issues with me leaving her anywhere as she did it from such a young age and learned that I always came back. I stayed at my Gran’s once a week so this was normal for me I get that not everyone has this kind of relationship.

What is this obsession that some grandparents seem to have with their grandkids staying overnight?! I really don't get why it's any more special having them stay overnight than it is to take them out for the day or babysit them for an evening or have them come over for tea. I think I stayed at my grandparents' house overnight maybe twice in my entire childhood, and we had a nice, close relationship and there were no issues between them and my parents.

Anyway - yes, your MIL is nuts. Obviously normal that a grandma wants quality time with her grandchild but decorating the room on the assumption that she'd be staying over, interfering in your decision to breastfeed, haranguing your husband, expecting a four-month old to in her sole care every week ... all bloody weird. The only people who gets to decide if/when your child's ready to stay over are you and your husband. It's not like you bloody asked her to decorate!

She sounds like a control freak to be honest😀
I would tell your husband to gently tell her to BUTT OUT!!

YANBU

Your MIL is nuts. She also sounds controlling.

Breastfeed until it no long works for you and your baby. And seeing as WHO says to continue BF “up to 2 years of age or beyond” she’s going to be waiting a while…

Wow your MIL isn't thinking of what's best for baby if she's encouraging you, via dh, to stop breastfeeding so she can have sleepovers.

4 months is way too young to even start thinking about sleepovers.

You need to put boundaries in place now, I'd be sitting her down, with your dh and telling her that she won't be having sleep overs for at least a year (or 4), and it'll be once or twice a year, certainly not weekly. She needs to realise her time with her baby has been and gone, this is your baby, not hers. If you don't get tough now, it'll be even harder in the future.

Your dh needs to make sure he shares all messages from her with you, or it'll impact your relationship with your dh as she tries to play you off against each other

Crazy, who does she think her son is to stop someone from breastfeeding their child. If he even considered it for a minute I'd send him back to live in his mummy's newly decorated room! How dare she put her needs over that of a baby, selfish cow.

As for discussing it later with her, this really shouldn't need any discussion. Your baby, your rules which you have made clear already. Send her a message from both of you making it crystal clear about expectations going forward.

This type of behaviour from your MIL gets on my tits. How dare she put pressure on you and your family to meet her bat shit demands. Honestly she sounds like a megalomaniac a manipulative one at that.

Of course 4 months might be too early for many parents and that's absolutely fine, but I found your attitude poor. Grand parents are not just babysitter to suit your own needs. How selfish us that!

Children are entitled to build a strong relationship with all grandparents and staying over is about telling them with that bonding.

I think your initial view of seeing if it would be possible in 2 months was reasonable. Twice a week sounds extreme though. It's all about co promise, not what is best for her or you but your child.