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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

818 replies

MollyPocket · 03/01/2023 12:05

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

OP posts:
Lapland123 · 03/01/2023 14:46

Another vote for breastfeeding for years, until your daughter starts primary school!
and no ‘sleepover’!! Ever!

ocadodeliveroo · 03/01/2023 14:46

jesusjoan · 03/01/2023 14:35

Quite surprised to hear grandkids shouldn't stay with GP's until they're 5 unless an emergency.

We've had all our grandkids for regular sleepovers since they were around 18 months/2 years. Works for all of us; our sons and DIL's work hard and they enjoy the break, we love having them, and the grandkids love staying with us (as well as with their other GP's). We're young, which helps I suppose. But genuinely believe the experience enriches all our lives.

OP's MIL is OTT and out of order, but we're not all batshit.

Show quote history

I suppose it all depends on how the parents feel and definitely depends on the parent's relationship with the in laws.
My DS first sleepover was at 3 years.
I wouldn't judge anyone for waiting until 5 years or more as they would have their own reasons. But 4MO is just way too young IMO.

Crazycrazylady · 03/01/2023 14:47

Honestly,
The cheek of her, I'd reply and say that while yes, youre sure your daughter will love going on the odd sleep over with her when she is older but you don't want or will be leaving your 16 week old baby for sleepovers for the forseeable future.
I wouldn't be apologetic about it either.

EasterIssland · 03/01/2023 14:47

Put your child’s needs first as you’re doing. She needs you , she needs you to continue breastfeeding and she needs her dad. Nobody else.

don’t feel pressure to do something uou
feel isn’t right for your daughter

Hellybelly84 · 03/01/2023 14:47

I haven’t read all the replies but she sounds absolutely nuts (or completely self centred and wanted the attention of doing the room?).

Mine are much older children and have only had a handful of sleepovers with grandparents (and the grandparents are amazing) as we just want to spend our weekends with the kids. We would not have even considered it before pre-school age at least (just our personal preference, each family is different and some have to for childcare reasons).

She should have discussed this with you, asked if you would like sleepovers at some point and let you know she would be happy to if you were comfortable. However, I dont really know a single person who had sleepovers from 4 months old and definately not a breastfed baby.

You should not be the one dealing with this though-it should absolutely be your partner telling her shes nuts!

Hellybelly84 · 03/01/2023 14:51

Pearsandclocks · 03/01/2023 12:11

Nope not unreasonable at all. She’s far too young to be without you 2 nights per week when it’s not necessary. If you had to do it for work purposes then of course that’s different.

She doesn’t sound very nice to be honest! I mean what woman tells his son he must not let his wife do something 🙄

My teenage children have a great relationship with my parents but they’ve never stayed the night. They’ve never wanted to.

Agree completely, mine hardly have any sleepovers and adore their grandparents so much. It sounds like she wants a dolly to play with rather than putting her granddaughter’s needs first. I wouldn’t be leaving my baby with someone who sounds slightly crazy anytime soon!

SomethingOriginal2 · 03/01/2023 14:53

God I thought the "months" was a typo at first! She made your newborn baby a bedroom at her house?! And thinks she's having your baby 1 or 2 nights a week?!

Someone needs to remind her that this ISN'T her child! No sleepovers until you WANT to.

redautumnleaves · 03/01/2023 14:54

MIL sounds nuts! Truly truly nuts. YANBU!

Kelljo83 · 03/01/2023 14:55

4 months is young! Way too young imo.
She needs to pipe down and let you (her parent) decide if and when you let baby sleep over.

How will she hear baby in the night if she cries? Nope nope nope!

sodabreadjam · 03/01/2023 14:56

A grandmother here. I think your MIL is overstepping your boundaries by miles. She has no right to insist on sleepovers at any age, particularly at four months. Personally I wouldn't choose to leave a child overnight at any home other than their own until they could talk fluently and express anything that is upsetting them.

Decorating a bedroom for your daughter without discussing any possible sleepovers is very manipulative behaviour.

Stand your ground and make sure your DH is backing you up.

Cocolatte24 · 03/01/2023 14:56

MollyPocket · 03/01/2023 13:28

Thanks all - good to know others agree as it’s hard to know for sure when you’re close to the situation!

In answer to questions about DH - after I saw the text I hit the roof and so he didn’t reply to MIL. She chased him and called a few times. Eventually he texted her back and told her she was being unfair with that request and we would discuss it with her next time we see her.

So at the moment she’s left stewing. But we need to decide how to address it when we see her next.

You should direct her to the WHO advice that notes children should be breastfed to 2 years of age.

Then you can tell her that even the NHS insists children sleep in their parents’ room until 6 months of age and you can add onto it that a sleepover should be in the benefit and interest of the child... not the grandmother.

If you get any BS about ‘it’s not fair / I put a lot of effort in’ you can tell her that in future if she consults you about ideas beforehand you can let her know ahead of said effort to save the disappointment.

I also would let her know that you don’t appreciate her meddling in your marriage with comments and texts trying to influence your choices as a mother.

How many sleepovers did your husband have at his grandparents from 5 months of age? Is this the norm in their family? If not throw that onto the heap too..

Greatly · 03/01/2023 14:56

By the time dd was 3 she would have refused to sleep in a pink princess room 😂

Hellybelly84 · 03/01/2023 14:56

IronicElf · 03/01/2023 13:17

My children are 12 and 13 yo and I can count the number of sleepovers (without me) they've had on both hands, but I don't need to pull socks off to count more. Every time has been because I needed a night away - residential courses, a 10 year anniversary meal etc. I had children to be part of my family and I don't need them to be overnighted often at all. If they want to go to a friend's house, that's fine, but so far we've tended to do the sleepovers as we have the space.

Generally it's my mother, or occasionally a close friend who does this. It's not my PIL because they have no awareness of danger - this has been demonstrated time and time again. They did ask, and whinge, but tough.

If criticised I used to simply say that I love spending time with my children and have no need of a break from them. It's hard to argue with simplicity.

Love this 🥰 Feel exactly the same.

PolarBlair · 03/01/2023 14:56

MollyPocket · 03/01/2023 13:28

Thanks all - good to know others agree as it’s hard to know for sure when you’re close to the situation!

In answer to questions about DH - after I saw the text I hit the roof and so he didn’t reply to MIL. She chased him and called a few times. Eventually he texted her back and told her she was being unfair with that request and we would discuss it with her next time we see her.

So at the moment she’s left stewing. But we need to decide how to address it when we see her next.

There's nothing to discuss. You don't want your baby away from you at night. That's the end of the conversation. Possibly add that you'll let her know if you change your mind when your baby is starting school

angielizzy1 · 03/01/2023 14:56

I thought you said she was 4 years old at first not 4 months. You never have to let her sleep over at anyone's house at any age if you don't feel comfortable with that but definitely not appropriate to expect to have a 4 month old baby sleep over several times a week unless this is help the parents have requested.
Mine didn't start sleepovers with grandparents until around 4 years and for my first that was because I was in hospital having my second.
Even when I was ill and in hospital before this she was with her dad overnight.

MeridianB · 03/01/2023 14:57

Shes not nuts, just a bit eager.

Really? So ‘eager’ that she is going behind OP’s back to pressure her DH into limiting the breastfeeding of a 4mo baby?!

PolarBlair · 03/01/2023 14:58

My 5 yo has had one night in Nana's house (aged 4 and a half) because we were going to a wedding. My baby came with us to the wedding. Just for context

TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans · 03/01/2023 14:59

Mine never went for sleepovers so don't feel bad OP

Hellybelly84 · 03/01/2023 15:03

MollyPocket · 03/01/2023 12:17

Yes she can be controlling and manipulative but since having DD it’s gone up a notch. She always worries she’s missing out etc and pushes lots of unwanted advice onto me.

She’s been very critical about the whole co sleeping thing - and now I know why!

Show quote history

I would say controlling and manipulative is enough of a reason to never let your baby ever stay there. She sounds totally crazy.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 03/01/2023 15:03

sodabreadjam · 03/01/2023 14:56

A grandmother here. I think your MIL is overstepping your boundaries by miles. She has no right to insist on sleepovers at any age, particularly at four months. Personally I wouldn't choose to leave a child overnight at any home other than their own until they could talk fluently and express anything that is upsetting them.

Decorating a bedroom for your daughter without discussing any possible sleepovers is very manipulative behaviour.

Stand your ground and make sure your DH is backing you up.

Personally I wouldn't choose to leave a child overnight at any home other than their own until they could talk fluently and express anything that is upsetting them.

I like this! So important for safeguarding purposes as well.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2023 15:03

You and DH need to nip this in the bud now. It's not usual for GC to sleepover with grandparents weekly (unless that suits you all) and it's totally normal not to want to be apart from your baby overnight! Personally I wasn't comfortable until he was 18 months and that was me leaving him with his dad! I just didn't feel right about him sleeping elsewhere. You'll feel that for as long as you feel it and however long that is is right for you. What a controlling pain in the arse!

wheresmymillionaire · 03/01/2023 15:04

Hmmm. My DC1 (now 21) went to stay with Grandma at 4months old, 100miles away for about 4 or 5 nights if I remember correctly.
I had a difficult birth, bonding issues and pnd.

justcallmeJane · 03/01/2023 15:07

My parents have had ds overnight once and he's 11, dd is 4 and has never been overnight.

I wouldn't say no to a sleepover at their ages because they can talk and tell you what they need but not at 4 months old.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/01/2023 15:07

If she doesn't agree with op's feeding choices what other things will she be putting her opinions across on? Mind boggles tbh.

Clarefromwork · 03/01/2023 15:07

YANBU
Does she have other children/grandchildren?

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