Apparently I've got it wrong in life. What's so bad about staying near your hometown?

[doingokrly]

My dad has such a way with words, my sister has had a big promotion in London and is now earning over £100k, I went to visit my parents for new year and they kept going on about it and I am very happy for her of course.

What's putting a sour taste in my mouth is my dad talking about our two lives, that are very different, and calling one good and one bad. We live in a tourist heavy area, but beautiful part of the UK but yes admittedly there aren't as many opportunities here and you aren't really near any cities. My sister is 18 months older than me and went to uni across the UK and then moved to London from there. I moved around a little bit, to smaller places as opposed to huge cities but ultimately have settled only 45 minutes from where I grew up. My sister is nearly 32 and is smashing it in her career, still dating and still in London, I am 30 and have bought a house near where I grew up and I'm married with two under two.

My dad was sat across from me at the dinner table and started saying about how my sister has got it right, moving away and chasing the money, that she can always move back here later in life but you can't make money here, you can't have a high flying successful career here etc. I did get a bit offended and said so I've done it wrong then have I? And he said that of course not it's different people, some people are happy to not move away and chase their dreams and to settle for less. I said you can't say I've not done it wrong and then say I'm settling for less, different isn't less.

She has a great career she loves and a very good salary yes, and of course she's still young and has so much time ahead of her for the rest of it.

But I love where I grew up, why should I have to move away to be something? Why can't I raise my kids here without it being seen as something less? A failure who never moved away from her hometown? I admit I might be being overly touchy. We aren't skint my husband earns well especially for the area, I'm part time whilst having young DC but we own our home in a lovely area and it feels like he sees us as so much less. It just feels like he's implying that we are still here because we didn't aim higher, but why is it seen as so much better to always live away in a city? What's so wrong about staying in the place you love and call home?

It really isn't! Bet your sister still can't afford a mortgage in London.

Your Dad sounds snobby and crackers. He should be glad you didn't move away and he can have a close relationship with his Grandchildren.

You have absolutely done nothing wrong. Your dad was being a bit of a twat.

There's nothing wrong if that's what you want but I am always astounded when I meet people who have lived in the same area all their lives, it's usual to travel around a bit surely, not just to London and certainly not just to make more money.

He shouldn’t have said that and it’s not true, especially if you are happy. Just say to him you’d hate her life but you’re pleased for her. It would be nice for him to be pleased for you and that you’ve given him the pleasure of GC close by.
I think he’s probably talking about what he wished he’d had at that age.

Yabu OP. A member of my family (thankfully not my Dad) is really sneery about the fact that I have chosen to stay in my hometown and can be quite cutting about it. I love that when I pop into town I bump into people I know all the time. For me, now that I am settled down with kids, it's much more important for me to feel that sense of community and security rather than living some imaginary 'cool' life swanning around in the hustle and bustle of central London!

There's nothing wrong with what you've done with your life, of course, it's just that, your life! I suppose it comes down to how you define success. Maybe your dad's definition is more money and career orientated, on some level? I'm sure if you'd pressed him he'd just want you both to be happy. He's got no blummin tact eh!

It’s really not that strange to not move away, especially if you live in a nice area. I’m about 5 minutes from the house I grew up in! Being local is quite a novelty now in my neighbourhood as it’s very popular with incomers and graduates from the uni here. I do have several school friends I still see as well as my family and I like being a born and bred local. I’ve also been away to uni and travelled several times for long stints before settling back here.

I did the London thing and now I'm.doing the country thing. What I've learnt in whatever situation you are in is that success is gaining contentment wherever you are living. Ignore your Dad, he is projecting issues in his own life on you and comparison is always devisive. You sound really happy. That's success, don't let your dad ruin that. Enjoy what you have.

Blimey you sound like you have got it made, two children and a house and you are only 30. Most people can’t achieve that for at least 10 years more.

Oh and I'm a proper local too. I've only ever lived in my home county. I went to uni there. Now live 30 mins away from where I grew up. And my mum and her husband, my mother in law and my sister in law with her family have all gradually followed us so we're all in the same blummin town now 😂 I mean sometimes I think how do I sound, eg when I say some of this to colleagues, but I love my town and wider area, its a great place to live! And we all help each other out.

Some people confuse success with having a large salary/living in big cities etc when actually, success is what makes you happy. Other families would think you have been more successful, more settled, married with children etc.

As long as you are happy with your choices, that is the most important thing.

I don't read it as an insult, but more a general assessment that can be said for thousands of places across the uk. Your life is successful, just different. I think that's what your father was very clumsily trying to say.

ARGH @doingokrly I am so sorry about this. I fucking LOATHE people who have this snarky, snobby attitude, but sadly, your dad will never change his attitude. I say this as someone who HAS travelled, worked abroad, lived in London, and had several careers. And now I live 30 miles from the town I grew up in.

The amount of people who look down their nose at people who never leave their hometown, and/or settle young and have babies young, astonishes me. So rude and nasty. I think with many people, (not all but many,) it's jealousy. They are jealous of how close they are to their family, how they have a big network of people around them, and how they are still friends with people they have known since childhood.

Your dad has got his priorities wrong. He thinks big money is what people should go after. Is it possible he’s projecting his own failure to not earn as much money as he wanted?

Yes, I think this attitude from your dad is deeply frustrating. My sibling moved to London, paid a fortune for a tiny house and has no family support in raising their kids, and their children barely have a relationship with their grandparents. I stayed fairly local in the north and think I actually have a better quality of life but they are the "successful" one.

Definitely not being unreasonable Op. Having been a forces child and moved a lot in my young years, I've lived in the same small city since I was 10. For me being settled and having familiarity is hugely comforting and I want that for my DC too.

I certainly have felt snobbery towards my choice to stay put and feel conscious of it too, like I 'should' be doing 'more', but honestly as I get older (I'm mid 30s), I care a lot less.

You sound happy op, so focus on that

He could have chosen his words a lot better and more sensitively, but I get what he was trying to say.

I think you're a bit touchy and you're dad just dug himself deeper when your challenged him, in a pretty confrontational manner.

I'm originally from a city, but went to University and stayed in London after that.

I find your horizons broaden when you spread your wings a bit and living in the countryside limits your exposure to a lot of things....but knowing you chose to stay local, your dad shouldn't have expressed his opinion in your presence. I can absolutely understand him having that opinion though.

Op you're smashing it! Happily married, two healthy children, friends nearby good work life balance. Dating in London is awful by all accounts. Your sister may well be getting ghosted every 5 mins and looking at you wishing she could get herself into a lovely stable relationship. If you have a nice home and aren't struggling why do you need more money?

It doesn't sound like your dads finest moment there. You can be proud of one child without putting down another one.

you're doing really well x

Hmm my parents have definitely never said that to me and don't think it, but I always get the impression people think it about me when they find out I don't live in London and never have.

In fact I have a good career, earn well, will have paid my mortgage off by about 35 and can afford to go part time at work if I want to.

I even have trouble not thinking it myself in spite of that I know ultimately it wouldn't suit me.

Obviously some people have a wonderful time in London but I must say most of the people I know who moved to London for careers paid a fortune to live in a studio or at the end of the tube line, struggled to meet anyone to have a serious relationship with, and didn’t end up doing anything cultural for the majority of the time. They might have earnt more but more went on their rent. I went to a comedy night in a pub in Ealing once with a friend and the comedian was talking about the trials living with housemates at nearly 40!

I remember one friend coming back and seeing my house I’d just bought and remarking that My house had an upstairs- saying that wasn’t really a thing in London! Of course that friend does have an amazing job and out earns me by three times- but I love my house and where I live and tbh would tell you I have a pretty good quality of life. Money isn’t everything.

Speaking as a lifelong Londoner born and bred, one thing that makes me roll my eyes is people who move here and think we’re supposed to be impressed or something. I’ve heard people on the phone at work saying “Oh no, I can’t make it to drinks tonight as I work up in London” in this showing off voice. I’ve also overheard conversations in pubs while on holiday in smaller places, where parents loudly show off to their friends that their family member works in London.

Newsflash: real Londoners are rarely impressed by anything. Practically everyone around here is ten-a-penny and nobody is special.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with living in the same town or village for your whole life. But if you do move to London and keep going on about how you’ve made it in life now that you’re here, most of us will be totally unimpressed and not give a shit.

Perhaps your dad wishes he had gone to London and hates his small town life, and thinks that's the best for everyone?

I would hate to stay in a small town. Some people love it. My parents moved to the suburbs (in my home country) when I was a child and I couldn't wait to leave that place. My siblings love it, as its not a bad place. (By the way, I lived in London. It has good and bad things. Obviously. I know live in Europe)

Sounds like your father can't understand/respect people like different things.

"I am not my sister. So sorry I'm such a disappointment."

On repeat.

Whilst I disagree with your DF's perspective, I think a lot of DPs do just want their kids to earn a lot of money and see that as the best success. And I can understand that, it provides security in ways that nothing else can tbh. I know my DF is so disappointed in the choices that I've made personally, as I was such a high achiever at school and uni and then basically didn't go anywhere since. I'm about your age and also have two little ones, work PT in a low paid job, although thankfully my DH has 'done well' for himself and earns a decent wage (less than half your DSis though!) so we get by ok. He always envisioned me being very successful in a traditional career and being a high earner (like he himself is, albeit not until later in life) and I've not lived up to that at all. I can understand his disappointment tbh though even though I don't regret any decisions I've made personally.

It’s funny because there’s a thread on here where the OPs parents don’t give a crap about her promotion and think she has “no meaning or feeling in her life” like her sister who has children! Shame you can’t do a swap.