Apparently I've got it wrong in life. What's so bad about staying near your hometown?

[doingokrly]

My dad has such a way with words, my sister has had a big promotion in London and is now earning over £100k, I went to visit my parents for new year and they kept going on about it and I am very happy for her of course.

What's putting a sour taste in my mouth is my dad talking about our two lives, that are very different, and calling one good and one bad. We live in a tourist heavy area, but beautiful part of the UK but yes admittedly there aren't as many opportunities here and you aren't really near any cities. My sister is 18 months older than me and went to uni across the UK and then moved to London from there. I moved around a little bit, to smaller places as opposed to huge cities but ultimately have settled only 45 minutes from where I grew up. My sister is nearly 32 and is smashing it in her career, still dating and still in London, I am 30 and have bought a house near where I grew up and I'm married with two under two.

My dad was sat across from me at the dinner table and started saying about how my sister has got it right, moving away and chasing the money, that she can always move back here later in life but you can't make money here, you can't have a high flying successful career here etc. I did get a bit offended and said so I've done it wrong then have I? And he said that of course not it's different people, some people are happy to not move away and chase their dreams and to settle for less. I said you can't say I've not done it wrong and then say I'm settling for less, different isn't less.

She has a great career she loves and a very good salary yes, and of course she's still young and has so much time ahead of her for the rest of it.

But I love where I grew up, why should I have to move away to be something? Why can't I raise my kids here without it being seen as something less? A failure who never moved away from her hometown? I admit I might be being overly touchy. We aren't skint my husband earns well especially for the area, I'm part time whilst having young DC but we own our home in a lovely area and it feels like he sees us as so much less. It just feels like he's implying that we are still here because we didn't aim higher, but why is it seen as so much better to always live away in a city? What's so wrong about staying in the place you love and call home?

There’s nothing wrong with it. On the contrary it can be a very smart move. Look at the number of posts on here from people who complain they have no friends and no family input with their small kids, or that they feel lonely. I always think if where you grew up is a nice area and you have a good career and can afford a nice house etc, then staying put is actually very wise.

I’d say he is sharing his own regrets and wonders how his life might have been if he’d done the same. I wouldn’t see it as criticism of you

Parents...who needs them?! Ignore op.

I would ignore.
His views are possibly coloured by his own childhood - did he have a brother who did very well? Were they hard up? Did he want to move abroad but couldn't afford it?
I've travelled alot as has most of my siblings but I realised that it was partly having an unhappy childhood home. So we left. Whereas those with happier childhoods didn't have the need.

There is nothing wrong with staying in your hometown if that is what makes you happy and nobody should sneer at you for it, but personally I find that people who have never travelled or lived anywhere different or met people “not like them” have a more limited view on life. I don’t think any less of them but we would probably never ever have more than a superficial relationship.

Sounds like you have a lovely life. I have done exactly the same and I am very content, I consider that being very successful. I can't think of anything worse than "chasing the money".
Your dad is rude.

Your father is an ignorant man OP. The fact that he thinks "chasing the money" is the only way to happiness proves it, along with "some people are happy to not move away and chase their dreams and to settle for less" - why does chasing a dream automatically mean going to a big city and having a successful career? I have never dreamed of doing that in my entire life. You lead the kind of life you want to live, it has nothing whatsoever to do with your father.

personally I find that people who have never travelled or lived anywhere different or met people “not like them” have a more limited view on life.

This sort of comment really irritates me! I live in the same area I was born in, and am by far the least travelled of all my friends, and yet I am far more open minded and seem to know far more about the rest of the world than they do.

I don’t think any less of them but we would probably never ever have more than a superficial relationship.

I imagine they would count themselves lucky not to have a more meaningful relationship with such a judgmental snob as yourself.

There's a lot to be said for staying close to your family and home town. I spent nearly 7 years away from home and really struggled with the feeling of having no roots, no anchor in the city I was living in, despite enjoying life there.
Life isn't all about money and careers.

I am still in my hometown op
I like it here. I travel a lot and there really is no place like home.

Happiness comes from living to your values and choices and not someone else's.

Your dad is being an idiot!

Happiness and success comes in different guises. Being a single parent and earning minimum wage, if happy, is just as good as earning 100k and working in a job you love. But if you're earning 100k and unhappy I'd not see as success.

I was going to say the same. My dad once said something about making different decisions etc and I was shocked he had this thought. He was my dad who seemed content with his lot, not a real person who might have mixed views and other ambitions. Be confident you've done the right thing for you, I am sure at some poinys your sister thinks youve got it right.

There's nothing at all wrong in staying where you grew up. My eldest lives 7 or 8 miles from us now (the furthest he's ever moved, he was 1 mile away until recently). The other was living 12 miles away, hated it and now lives 1/2 a mile from us - he works 25 miles away

Your life sounds fabulous op. Tell your dad to wind his neck in and don’t visit for a while to ram home the point. Dh worked in London mon to Friday for years and we made the decision not to move our family there but stay in our lovely village. I love London to visit but would hate to live there. Horses for courses your life your decisions. Seems to me your dad is the one who is unhappy where he is.

It’s a shame your Dad can’t support you more - sounds like a twattish thing to say, hopefully it was just the wine talking.

That being said, I do find it really odd when people don’t move around. Surely people want to see more of the country / world? I’d find it so oppressive living where I grew up. I’ve enjoyed living in Yorkshire, Somerset, NE Scotland, London - I feel I have more of a handle on where I actually want to live now. I feel the only thing I’ve missed out on is having grandparents nearby for the odd night out with my wife, but if we lived where we both grew up there’s nothing to do even if we had a spot of childcare!

Your dad is wrong to pit you against your sister like that, constantly drawing comparisons between you risks breeding resentment and affecting your relationship with your sister.

It sounds like you both have different but lovely lives.

It’s rude to say anything and horses for courses. But sorry I get his point. Didn’t you eVer want to go out into the world and really push yourself?

Pushed myself out of comfort zone and went to the City in my twenties. Doubled my salary at a stroke international travel with work international friends met dynamic interesting lovely Dh. Then moved back with him to lovely area I grew up but having sold a London flat so financially much better than if I had stayed put. Will encourage mine to spread their wings.

I used to live in London for years but moved to a small town. I find most Women my age group limiting (fifties)as they have never lived elsewhere. Regionalistic.

Not everyone wants to ‘spread their wings though!’ I have 4 grown up kids 1 abroad 2 fairly local and youngest still at home. We encouraged them to chase their dreams but dreams can be far away of around the corner. Who cares as long as it suits you as a person.

Miss Marple never moved from St Mary Mead but she knew all about people.😂😂 It’s not where you are it’s why you are there and what you bring to the place that feeds the soul and makes you happy

Agree, its like the 'I'm so cultured and broadminded, I just couldn't be friends with someone who doesn't think exactly like me'!

I did the London thing and now live somewhere else. I miss my hometown desperately and wish I’d done exactly what you did!

Your dad would feel differently if his grandchildren weren’t close by too, I hope.

Yeah my FiL was a bit like this. Fucking hated me being a SAHM too.

DH and I are miles happier than his other kid who 'chased the money'.

You should tell him he has your support if he wants to move to London to live his best life, but to leave you out of it.