Apparently I've got it wrong in life. What's so bad about staying near your hometown?

[doingokrly]

My dad has such a way with words, my sister has had a big promotion in London and is now earning over £100k, I went to visit my parents for new year and they kept going on about it and I am very happy for her of course.

What's putting a sour taste in my mouth is my dad talking about our two lives, that are very different, and calling one good and one bad. We live in a tourist heavy area, but beautiful part of the UK but yes admittedly there aren't as many opportunities here and you aren't really near any cities. My sister is 18 months older than me and went to uni across the UK and then moved to London from there. I moved around a little bit, to smaller places as opposed to huge cities but ultimately have settled only 45 minutes from where I grew up. My sister is nearly 32 and is smashing it in her career, still dating and still in London, I am 30 and have bought a house near where I grew up and I'm married with two under two.

My dad was sat across from me at the dinner table and started saying about how my sister has got it right, moving away and chasing the money, that she can always move back here later in life but you can't make money here, you can't have a high flying successful career here etc. I did get a bit offended and said so I've done it wrong then have I? And he said that of course not it's different people, some people are happy to not move away and chase their dreams and to settle for less. I said you can't say I've not done it wrong and then say I'm settling for less, different isn't less.

She has a great career she loves and a very good salary yes, and of course she's still young and has so much time ahead of her for the rest of it.

But I love where I grew up, why should I have to move away to be something? Why can't I raise my kids here without it being seen as something less? A failure who never moved away from her hometown? I admit I might be being overly touchy. We aren't skint my husband earns well especially for the area, I'm part time whilst having young DC but we own our home in a lovely area and it feels like he sees us as so much less. It just feels like he's implying that we are still here because we didn't aim higher, but why is it seen as so much better to always live away in a city? What's so wrong about staying in the place you love and call home?

Your Dad should honestly be equally proud of both of you for your life choices. It sounds like you are both thriving in your chosen lives. I'd be absolutely thrilled if my DC grew up to be happy and settled in a life like the one you have created. There's so many pitfalls that can happen to people, especially young people in fledgling lives. To get to where you are is a fantastic achievement.

Hmmm. Poor communication by your DF. I do get his argument though. Absolutely nothing wrong with the paths taken by you or your sibling and neither is better than the other, just different. There is a related scenario in my family and I know my DF was most proud of my city living high earning sibling, my DM is a little more nuanced in her views, though this has taken a few more decades to develop than your family has had ( my siblings and I are in late 50s / early 60s) as she’s seen the fall out in my high earning sibling’s personal life, which is probably related to life style. In my own mind, my high earning sibling has put themselves out there and worked very hard over several decades so does deserve material success, though there is a small element of jealousy there too, even though I know I am too introverted to manage the life style of my high earning sibling and would really really hate living their life. My DF was never so crass in his communication though!

What was you ds’s career/life trajectory? Did he smash it, lived in London etc?

Or did he stay near where you few up? And if the latter, does he see himself asa a success or failure?

I think your Dad’s priorities are wrong. We did all (three siblings) move away for Uni and then for work and although life is good I regret that we are not closer to home. My kids have cousins they see rarely and it’s a massive trek to see our parents who are becoming elderly. It was not our plan to settle far away but now we are embedded here it’s difficult to move back - it would be a massive upheaval to find new jobs and schools and social life. I envy friends who have local family - both for the help with childcare but for closer relationships, seeing parents for Sunday dinner, having a grandparent at the school play. You haven’t done anything wrong, neither has your sister.

Why is she being unreasonable? (Is this even an AIBU thread?).

Different people want different things. They're not wrong, but they are different.

It sounds like he's more clumsy with words than anything else. If there's not the same sort of prospects and opportunities in your area (which you acknowledge is true) then there is a choice: either leave the area to pursue those opportunities or settle locally and accept you're not going to have the chance for those opportunities.

It's not that one is worse than the other. People want different things. Some choose to move for opportunities and others choose to stay local and accept there's not the same opportunities.

This is a fantastically wise post.

We are moving 200+ miles away from London to a small Northern coastal town.

We are buying a house outright and will live 5 minutes from my in laws and a sandy beach.

We are moving to be near family, better schools and financial security away from renting.

What's not to love? My parents moved me from the North when I was a baby and constantly told me how lucky I was to be able to work in London. I am NC with them now and our move makes even more sense.

Don't you think your dad's talking about himself? His own regrets/the path not followed? Even if he's not conscious of it, it seems more likely at his stage in life than that he's comparing the two of you. He's wrapped up in himself and you assume he's getting at you. Classic family subtext ripe for misunderstandings.

We live in the Midlands. I would say at least 95% of the people in my school year still live in our local area. I've only ever lived in a radius of about 5 miles from the house I grew up in!
My family and my husbands family both live in the same town, all family menbers. We are never further than 5 minutes away from a family member. Some people might not like that, but it makes me feel safe and secure.
I've never felt the urge to up and leave and go and live in some other part of the country where I know absolutely noone.

@BellePeppa oops obviously from my reply I meant yanbu! And yes it's in aibu.

I grew up in a very small market town with only white folk and almost no opportunities to broaden my understanding of life and culture. I can't imagine what kind of person I'd become if I hadn't moved away. I moved back to the area briefly which was lovely but realised I also didn't want to raise my children in such a limited place.

I think because your sisters life is so different than your dads he sees it as more exciting, glamorous, better.

whereas your life is similar to your dads so he sees it as more mundane.

it says more about him than you. Maybe he has regrets and is projecting?

Also he will only see the side of your sisters life that she wants people to see. Won’t see the downsides and stress to working so hard, being crammed in a big city. Yes she earns a good wage but life is more expensive in London.

personally I’d rather have your life. But others I’m sure would rather have your sisters.

Sounds like your dad is projecting his own unfulfilled ambitions on your sister.

If you're happy that's all that counts. Doesn't matter what path anyone takes, whether they go for the money and career and glamour or if they settle down with marriage and kids. Both are equally worthwhile and at the end of the day, no one's opinion matters as long as you're happy.

I think your dad was rather tactless but it sounds like it comes from wishful thinking regarding his own life choices and not a reflection of his thoughts about you x

Glad you’re happy, but this would be absolutely suffocating for me! Couldn’t think of anything worse for me.

I understand what he was trying to say too, but he’s worded it badly and you’ve been over sensitive I suspect, for example he never said it was bad.

he’s clearly very proud of your sister, I’m sure he’s also proud of you, just her promotion is recent.

there is nothing wrong with settling where you grew up, having babies, working part time, relying on your husband to pay the bills when they are young, it’s just a different choice. Family v career.

As long as you are happy that’s all that matters. the only thing I’d look at is your long term financial future , pensions etc.

I've never left my home town (admittedly it's a large one-Brighton, Sussex) and have no desire to live anywhere else.

I suspect when your dad said this he was thinking about his own life and regrets rather than criticising yours, to be honest. He probably wishes he'd had the opportunity to move away, get a cracking career and earn well and see more of life and is just talking wistfully about it.

If you're content with your life choices it really shouldn't matter what he or others think, there's no edict that states you absolutely mustn't settle down near your hometown, in fact I would imagine that's more typical than moving away.

Friend of mine is doing the London thing, mid thirties, and although her career is blossoming and she's earning well most of it gets sucked back up by London prices. And she's desperate to meet someone and have kids before it's too late but just can't manage to, she moved away early twenties and has never found a proper relationship. She looks to those of us who are married with kids with envy and some of us look at her with envy at how glamourous and exciting her life is! The grass is greener where you water it.

I've always lived in London, but my situation sounds like yours. Married, bought a house not far from my parents, 2 small kids, work part time. I'd choose this over still being single and childless at 30+.

Your dad is entitled to his opinion but you absolutely don't have to agree with it! As long as you're happy that's all that matters. Parents can be so ignorant at times. He'll not be saying that when he's old and needing you as I sit babysitting my dad with dementia.

You could be my best friend (and her sister!)

My best friend lives 5 miles away from her parents in her home town, she has three young children with her long-term partner and she works part time. She is a fantastic home maker, their home is full of love.

Her sister lives in the big city, on £100k+, for a prestigious company. Has a boyfriend, no children, has a busy social life, enjoys long haul holidays , A wardrobe to die for. She is very happy with her lifestyle.

Success should be measured in happiness, not money.

Based on that argument, your parents should have moved to London when they were younger, bought a house in the 1990s (possible for most average earners then). Then both you and your sister could have had careers in London, family support and rent free living for the first few years of your career. DH and I bought a flat in our 20s on 70k combined as DH has a mum with a house in London!

Why berate you for not chasing the money when they didn't do the same either?

surely it’s a personality type? You either have pioneer spirit and would climb the walls if prevented from exploring the wider world stuck in your hometown or you don’t and you value “safety” which has come up several times.

I see it in my kids one is even at 14 up for anything and loves the bright lights she will be off into the world first chance she gets!

You can travel the world and learn nothing and see nothing! You can stay living in the street you were born in and experience life in all its forms. It's not the place you are in it's what you bring to the place you are in.