Apparently I've got it wrong in life. What's so bad about staying near your hometown?

[doingokrly]

My dad has such a way with words, my sister has had a big promotion in London and is now earning over £100k, I went to visit my parents for new year and they kept going on about it and I am very happy for her of course.

What's putting a sour taste in my mouth is my dad talking about our two lives, that are very different, and calling one good and one bad. We live in a tourist heavy area, but beautiful part of the UK but yes admittedly there aren't as many opportunities here and you aren't really near any cities. My sister is 18 months older than me and went to uni across the UK and then moved to London from there. I moved around a little bit, to smaller places as opposed to huge cities but ultimately have settled only 45 minutes from where I grew up. My sister is nearly 32 and is smashing it in her career, still dating and still in London, I am 30 and have bought a house near where I grew up and I'm married with two under two.

My dad was sat across from me at the dinner table and started saying about how my sister has got it right, moving away and chasing the money, that she can always move back here later in life but you can't make money here, you can't have a high flying successful career here etc. I did get a bit offended and said so I've done it wrong then have I? And he said that of course not it's different people, some people are happy to not move away and chase their dreams and to settle for less. I said you can't say I've not done it wrong and then say I'm settling for less, different isn't less.

She has a great career she loves and a very good salary yes, and of course she's still young and has so much time ahead of her for the rest of it.

But I love where I grew up, why should I have to move away to be something? Why can't I raise my kids here without it being seen as something less? A failure who never moved away from her hometown? I admit I might be being overly touchy. We aren't skint my husband earns well especially for the area, I'm part time whilst having young DC but we own our home in a lovely area and it feels like he sees us as so much less. It just feels like he's implying that we are still here because we didn't aim higher, but why is it seen as so much better to always live away in a city? What's so wrong about staying in the place you love and call home?

He probably doesn’t appreciate quite a lot of that is down to luck. She was lucky to go to London and earn that. A lot come here and settle for maybe that or less and struggle with big mortgages for the nice houses and cars.

my parents are a bit like this but they’re working class and money worries never far from their mind when we were little. Is your Dad the same? Is he well off?

Just remember that comparison is the thief of joy. Sounds twee, but it’s true!

I don’t think that there was anything wrong in your Dad saying that, he wasn’t trying to offend you. He openly said that you were different.

I’m more surprised that you would be so offended, why not be happy for your sister and just engage with your Dad about the other side of it. It sounds like you are not letting go of your offence when his comment sounded nothing to do with you, more his thoughts on your sister and maybe his own regrets.

I have to say at heart I agree with your dad but it was very tactless and unfair of him to say that to you. Was he trying to encourage you to follow in her footsteps?!

We are proper locals. We have lived in the same general area all our lives and in a specific area for the last 30+ years (we are early 60s). DH was born in the specific area where we live and we know lots of people locally who grew up and still live here plus people who have moved here but stayed for very many years. We even know some of the parents of DD's friends from schooldays. We live in London, it's the same here not far under the surface

I was always made to feel the same. I had my children quite young and although I had moved away, moved back for family support. I worked part time in schools while my children were young but am now in a role that doesn’t really come up very often, very well paid for non teaching school staff, term time only. My sister had a high flying London career, settled down and had her first child at 35. They moved home and she’s now given up work and her husband is miserable, still working in London to enable them to have the lifestyle they enjoy without her income. He commutes and leaves before the children wakes up and rarely sees them before they go to bed, he’s looked at similar work in our area but would never be able to afford the pay cut. We have no mortgage and both have relatively stress free jobs. Lots of evening, weekends and holiday times together. My Dad is still in awe of BILs London job and how hard he works, still proudly announces what his daughter used to do while I just have ‘school job’. It’s water off a ducks back now though, I’m really bloody happy, if my dad can’t be proud of that then so be it.

Success looks like different things to different people. I know a lot of people who wouldn't view being single at 32 "smashing it" at life.

The only way to win at life is to be happy. What makes us happy isn't the same for all people!
Im from London originally. Moved to a small town at a teen and always thought I'd go back to the SE as an adult. I did for uni but then moved back to the small town. There comes a point when you appreciate the beautiful scenery, space to move, being able to afford a house, having decent local schools, knowing your kids are safe going out!
My brother is in London. But his flat costs half a million and however lovely, is still only a small one bed flat. And London is knackering! I couldn't have the number of kids I do and house them, if I was still there. The easy access to entertainment isn't worth what it would cost in life terms.
My other brother lives in California. Living the dream, but as nice as it is, he misses his family and his home.
I think people have only failed if they don't pursue what gives them joy!

Daily Mail hello

That was probably also the DM

Your dad is being reallllly insensitive. There’s nothing wrong with your choices. Everyone wants different things and that’s cool.

I’m sure your sister is equally happy with her choices, not sure why so many PPs want her to be miserable. And I say this as someone who moved to London, got married and had kids here and would never live anywhere else. I felt the need to add this as people are being super weird about London on this thread. Apparently lots of people on this thread are manifesting your dad’s insensitivity to different choices 🤣

Urgh how horrible. Is your mum around? If so, I bet she likes being involved with grandchildren. Th ere is a lot to be said for staying where you grew up in terms of feeling settled. Next time, tell him he's being rude and walk out. I wouldn't entertain that shit

Your home town sounds lovely to bring up dc. I'd rather live somewhere like that than London.
My dc are very different and that's absolutely fine by me. Your dad is really insensitive.

What is it with parents and this need for their children to be the same?
My life hasn't been a bed of roses, I'm not a very social person and my mental health is shit. I live 6 miles from where I grew up. I have 2 kids, one of whom has not been in my life for 5 years.
My sister has a job and lives 4 hours away ,has friends etc has had affairs, was part of the reason her husband tried to kill himself.
When asked why I'm not like my sister, my reply has always been "because I'm me" and I sure as shit have no wish to be a possibly narcissistic arsehat.

Measure your success in happiness, not in money. If she's happy and you're happy, you're both winning at life.

You're doing really well for yourself.

It seems you've got your life sorted.

I actually believe the dream is- still being able to live in your hometown when you're an adult.

So many people get priced out.

My dm was like this about people that stayed near by when I was growing up. I left home at 17 & never went back. It’s strange. I would love my dc to stay near by & as long as they’re happy, that’s all that truly matters.

That was so rude of him, you certainly haven't settled for less!

A happy and fulfilled life is all anyone should want and it sounds as though you have it. Perhaps your dad is projecting his own issues

I read this thread and immediately thought of the fisherman and business man story paulocoelhoblog.com/2015/09/04/the-fisherman-and-the-businessman/

100k in London really isn't all that special which makes the comments slightly ridiculous. I'd be asking for more than that if I was asked to work down there permanently.

As for staying around your hometown, there's no issue whatsoever OP, happiness is the most important thing in life by a long long way and if living and working where you are makes you happy then you are more successful than most people in this world.

Two of my DC went to university then got jobs in amazing places around the world. They came back to at 30 fell in love, married, children and live in the same village they grew up in. Like @doingokrly we live in a beautiful tourist area. They're happy to raise their children here. They've had the money, lifestyles, in the past and are quite happy.

I live in London and love it.

however, I’d say I have a lower quality of life ( in terms of house/car/time) than many of my friends who stayed near our hometown.

This is despite being in a relatively good financial position. I may earn more than them, but these wages soon disappear- your sister will tell you 100k doesn’t go far in London, once you’ve paid rent/mortgage.

you probably have a lifestyle she can’t afford in London.

I envy my friend’s large houses and short drives to countryside/beach/small city centre. However I love big cities and the facilities around me.

Ask your Dad if he feels he got it wrong by staying in your area. Explain you love the area and it feels home to you, so you are glad he stayed in the area. You'd rather be happy and poorer than have the stress of London living, London house prices and London traffic & congestion.

Your home town sounds lovely to bring up dc. I'd rather live somewhere like that than London.
My hometown is also lovely to bring up dc. It's called London

Your dads clearly projecting his own desires and values. What a twit! Being in London and having a high flying high earning career is just one interpretation of success but there are many more of equal value. Personally my idea of success is country living with healthy family, good friends, financial stability and work life balance. London doesn’t float my boat