Apparently I've got it wrong in life. What's so bad about staying near your hometown?

[doingokrly]

My dad has such a way with words, my sister has had a big promotion in London and is now earning over £100k, I went to visit my parents for new year and they kept going on about it and I am very happy for her of course.

What's putting a sour taste in my mouth is my dad talking about our two lives, that are very different, and calling one good and one bad. We live in a tourist heavy area, but beautiful part of the UK but yes admittedly there aren't as many opportunities here and you aren't really near any cities. My sister is 18 months older than me and went to uni across the UK and then moved to London from there. I moved around a little bit, to smaller places as opposed to huge cities but ultimately have settled only 45 minutes from where I grew up. My sister is nearly 32 and is smashing it in her career, still dating and still in London, I am 30 and have bought a house near where I grew up and I'm married with two under two.

My dad was sat across from me at the dinner table and started saying about how my sister has got it right, moving away and chasing the money, that she can always move back here later in life but you can't make money here, you can't have a high flying successful career here etc. I did get a bit offended and said so I've done it wrong then have I? And he said that of course not it's different people, some people are happy to not move away and chase their dreams and to settle for less. I said you can't say I've not done it wrong and then say I'm settling for less, different isn't less.

She has a great career she loves and a very good salary yes, and of course she's still young and has so much time ahead of her for the rest of it.

But I love where I grew up, why should I have to move away to be something? Why can't I raise my kids here without it being seen as something less? A failure who never moved away from her hometown? I admit I might be being overly touchy. We aren't skint my husband earns well especially for the area, I'm part time whilst having young DC but we own our home in a lovely area and it feels like he sees us as so much less. It just feels like he's implying that we are still here because we didn't aim higher, but why is it seen as so much better to always live away in a city? What's so wrong about staying in the place you love and call home?

You’re not giving him any bragging rights op!!! It’s your life , if you’re happy that’s absolutely the right thing for you. He had his choices, you have yours. I’d laugh at him and tell him that everyone is happy but him, and if he has an issue to keep it to himself .. as in yes dad dsis is happy I’m happy glad you’re proud of us both’ change subject

Well, your father is right about one thing: People are different. What makes one person happy will make another miserable. Maybe he's projecting a bit, getting older and thinking about how his own life could have been different, wishing he'd moved away when he was younger, or wishing he'd had different opportunities. But he's wrong to phrase it as he has and to act as though one path or way of being is always superior to the other.

I could have moved to a larger city. I could have taken on a more challenging career or done any of a hundred other things with my life. But who's to say that any of those other paths would have been better or made me happier, at the end of the day?

Try not to let him get to you. It's more about his own level of satisfaction with his own choices than it is to do with your choices. He's playing "what if", which is fine, but he needs to keep some of it to himself and not try to make you feel dissatisfied, too!

As someone who has very much moved away from my home town I can tell you your way has huge advantages.

And it sounds too like those advantages have worked in your favour so you're actually happy too! Perfect combo in my mind.

Never mind him. Honestly he's being a dick. Sometimes people are better off shovelling food in their mouths so they can't speak. 😉

I think your dad is completely wrong to be honest! I'd be much prouder of a daughter like you who was bringing up a family and living nearby than a daughter who was still chasing a dream in London at 32 to be honest.

Your Dad’s opinion about what constitutes ‘doing it right’ isn’t wrong, but neither is yours! That’s the great thing about opinions, we all get to choose our own. He was wrong for expressing it so tactlessly in front of you however, I’m sure he didn’t want to denigrate your life. If he did, he’s a knob.

Your life sounds great OP, and you are happy with your home and your family. What is wrong with that?

OP, I moved to London after university, had a lucrative career (100k+), married a DH earning a lot more than me and have 3 lovely children. I am a SAHM now and sometimes wonder what the hell it was all about - the big move, the hard work, the general exhaustion of London. I have plenty of friends in the area but it’s not the same as having grown up somewhere and bumping into old school friends et all the time. I sometimes think how lovely life would have been if I’d just stayed in my home town. It might be a fantasy but im
nostalgic for it and I miss it. Can’t move back asDH wouldn’t want to. Ignore your dad. You have made really valid, worthwhile life choices. Good for your sister, as long as she’s happy, but if I could swap with one of you right now I’d probably choose you

I can't think of anything worse than living in London . I would hate your sisters life

Give me your set up any day over her's

You dad is speaking rubbish.

how exactly is her sister 'chasing a dream'? op says she's smashing it in her career, not still trying to make it on x-factor or something.

Definitely something to do with what your dad wanted from his life!
Wouldn't most parents be happy that their child is happy with their life like you are?

Done the London high flying career thing and it's not all it's cracked up to be Tbh, unless your only interest is money. Your dad and sister may feel a little differently about her choices in 10 years. Sounds like you've built a lovely life for yourself and you should be proud of that. I'd rather have your life than your sisters. In fact I did, I moved out of London back to my hometown when I was ready to marry and have kids and it was the right decision, wouldn't go back 💐

Sounds like your Dad values job title and salary above all else.

Some people are like that. My cousin and I were brought up like siblings.
He earns a high 6 figure salary, absolutely detests his job, has a tiny flat in London, desperately wants kids but can’t fit them in the current place and can’t afford a “decent” bigger place, has a wife he treats like shit (and her him like shit) and comes home like the prodigal son twice a year.
I have a job I love as does DH. We both work part time (me very PT him 4 days). We’ve a house with a garden. Our kids are happy. They have decent schools, it’s safe to play out - We’re happy. See the family weekly.
Yet because he earns more he’s the one that “did well”.

I know which life I'd prefer (hint: it's not your sister's).

Maybe your Dad was thinking about himself and what he wished he'd done ?

I wouldn't have stayed in my home area if you paid me, I didn't even stay in the country. Couldn't live that life.
But if it workds for you and its what yuo want, that's the only thing thatr eally matters.

I reckon your dad is projecting. Your sister has done what he would have liked to and didn't.

I'd point out that he's lucky you aren't far away, in case he needs help with something.

Why don't you ask your Mum for her perspective? Older men often see everything through the lens of a career, as it's what they know.

I've done exactly the same as you OP, a high powered career in central London would be my idea of hell! It might be your dad's idea of chasing your dreams but it certainly isn't mine, or yours either by the sounds of things. You do you!

I would have landed it back on him by saying ' so tell me dad, why are you still sat here instead of chasing your dream when you were working?'
When he's done spluttering excuses, ask him again.

Thats really unfair of your dad and simply not true. You have children and it sounds like your DH is doing well, raising happy kids in a decent area and providing for them is a massive achievement.

I have done a lot of travelling and worked abroad because thats what I love doing. I know someone who doesn't have a passport and lives where they were born, they are passionate about rescue dogs and have had a massive impact on so many animals. There are so many different paths in life, to me success is trying to be a decent person to others and doing what makes you happy.

It sounds like you needed to hear that he was proud of you, too, and maybe there’d be a moment to express that to him.
He expressed himself clumsily; I think he was talking about his own “should have beens,” rather than speaking about you or comparing you.
if you love your life, LOVE your life unabashedly. Someone else may chase success in London and find happiness where you would find emptiness; what works for someone else might not have made you happy.

it’s a good thing our parents don’t get to choose our lives, and it’s a good thing we don’t have to live anyone else’s lives but our own.

if you’re discontent, that’s one thing- if you are happy, then the life you’ve chosen is wonderful for you! If you feel you need a change, that’s up to you and your husband and kids, and no one else.

I don’t think this is about you at all. I think your dad is probably a bit jealous, he’s from the same places he’s slagging off right. He’s probably a bit sour and wished he could have earned more money etc. I don’t think it will be a dig at you (or I hope not)

Did your dad have a high flying career in London before he settled down and moved to where you grew up?

You dad is a judgey arsehole.

I bet you £100 that if your sister is single at 35 she'll get a similar speech from him about how important family is and not putting off having children until it's too late, making her feel pretty much like you do right now.

Your dad is proud of your sister for breaking the mould and is proud of her success. You took it personally and he dug himself a hole. He never once said your choices weren’t valid.

I agree with your dad. Home will always be there. It’s a brilliant thing to move away to a buzzing capital city, or abroad. It broadens your horizons and does make you a more well-rounded person. I think you know this, but you optimised for comfort and familiarity.