Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to attend nephew's birthday party

121 replies

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:27

Hi there, first time poster, and really need some friendly advice as this subject plays havoc with my anxiety. Apologies for the long post but will appreciate any opinions!

Bit of background, I have a niece and nephew, 5 & 7. I do not have kids myself and hubby and I don't want any. My relationship with my SIL is strained. SIL also has issues with my mother (who is 75 and disabled, and I am her part time carer).

We have been invited to my nephews birthday party in two weeks but don't really want to go. When we went to a joint party for my niece and nephew in 2021, we drove to the venue (which took over an hour). I offered to help out but that was refused. So, we just sat and watched for two hours. The kids, understandably, were playing with their friends. And I was happy with this as they were happy! Apart from saying hello and goodbye, I had no interaction with them. So, we were literally just sitting around, being ignored by SIL and her parents as they were busy, and wouldn't let us help. So, we just felt it was pointless as we had no quality time with the kids, and we were just sitting there like lemons. Oh, and no food and drink was offered to the adults.

Last month, my brother said we didn't have to come to my nieces party in December 2022 if we didn't want to, it's no big deal to him (he is easy going). So we didn't go. I did make up an excuse (I realise I should have been honest) but my SIL took this personally and said I was lying. She actually said this to my mum, not me, as my mum is quite an easy target to be honest and can easily be told off without defending herself (she overthinks things afterwards).

Now, my nephews birthday party (which is joint with his friend) is in two weeks time. Again, the journey is about an hour or so and will last an hour and a half. I don't want to go as it will be like the last one - the kids will be enjoying themselves with their friends, they will probably hardly notice me, and my SIL and her parents (her mother is controlling) will no doubt ignore us and if they do talk to us, will make sarcastic comments.

What do I do? Whatever we seem to do is wrong. If we make an effort with things, it's not appreciated, just expected. I had them all round for lunch a couple of weeks ago. It was all nice but they left after about 3 hours, very quickly as my SIL got annoyed about something my mother had done (of which we have no idea).

When I have seen SIL's mother, she has questioned me about not having children on a couple of occasions. I wish I could say what I really want to say, but don't have the nerve and want to keep the peace.

Any advice greatly appreciated!!

OP posts:
Ninjapot · 02/01/2023 18:33

Re not having children be honest - We don't want children.
Re the party - how honest do you want to be? I would, and have, just said that I'm not very keen on going to children's parties but would love to get together another time soon.

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/01/2023 18:35

"hi bro, sorry we can't make the party, are you free another weekend for a family get together to celebrate? Please let SIL know we're not lying (I think she told mum I was for nieces bday), we already had plans.

Let me know about a get together".

Your SIL sounds horrid. I'd steer well clear. The reality is, that unless you see them regularly and their parents like you, you'll likely not have a close relationship anyway, so I wouldn't stress too much.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:36

Yes, I could, but then SIL would be offended and say why? And say I'm not interested in the children, and I'm selfish for not wanting to see them enjoying themselves. She has said something similar before...

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:39

Thanks Emma, that's a good idea. It's really tough as we don't see them regularly. My mum would LOVE to have a proper relationship with her grandchildren, but they hardly see her as they live a distance away and spend all their time with SIL's parents. It's all really quite sad.

OP posts:
Harliegh · 02/01/2023 18:39

Just be honest and say kids parties are not for you. Although, I'd be happy going and not needing to have any one on one attention from the kids, I'd enjoy watching them having fun at their party!

Judgyjudgy · 02/01/2023 18:39

I'd just go to save the fall out. What's one afternoon. Take some gin in a hip flask

IglesiasPiggl · 02/01/2023 18:40

Just say you already have plans so can't make it. If they press you and ask what, you are visiting a friend they don't know. Be unavailable for the next couple of parties and hopefully they will stop inviting you.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:40

Judgyjudgy · 02/01/2023 18:39

I'd just go to save the fall out. What's one afternoon. Take some gin in a hip flask

Gin? Now you're talking my language!!😂

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2023 18:42

I wouldn’t go- surely there’s a family time to go give a present and wish the child a happy birthday?

thunderstruckk · 02/01/2023 18:42

We do the same OP - all our friends with DC don't really mind, we send presents and see the DCs, but with no kids ourselves currently it's a bit weird being at a kids party when they're over about 3/4 and play with each other! Same for our nephew, first birthday we went to as he was still a baby and the party was more family oriented. We won't be going to any more, but will obviously see him with gifts.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:42

IglesiasPiggl · 02/01/2023 18:40

Just say you already have plans so can't make it. If they press you and ask what, you are visiting a friend they don't know. Be unavailable for the next couple of parties and hopefully they will stop inviting you.

Actually it's hubby's grandmothers birthday this month. She'll be 92. That's a good reason. Although, it would probably be considered a lie by my SIL 😔

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 02/01/2023 18:42

My kids are the same age. If I could get out of going to their parties I would. Like fuck would I attend a kids party if I had no kids.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:43

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2023 18:42

I wouldn’t go- surely there’s a family time to go give a present and wish the child a happy birthday?

Yes! That was a couple of weeks ago...I gave all the presents to my brother and then wished them happy birthday on the day. The parties are just a bit delayed for some reason.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 02/01/2023 18:46

It’s odd they want you there. We occasionally invited extended family for very young babies as nice excuse for family party but 4 plus it’s rightly about them and their pals and the parents are busy facilitating the party. They can’t properly host you and won’t let you help so frankly what’s the point?

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:46

thunderstruckk · 02/01/2023 18:42

We do the same OP - all our friends with DC don't really mind, we send presents and see the DCs, but with no kids ourselves currently it's a bit weird being at a kids party when they're over about 3/4 and play with each other! Same for our nephew, first birthday we went to as he was still a baby and the party was more family oriented. We won't be going to any more, but will obviously see him with gifts.

And they don't get offended that you're not there? You know, my brother doesn't care either way, but it's the SIL, she has this beef about it. Sometimes I think she is so stressed at the parties (which she always is), that she wants me to feel the pain that she does. I do think she is jealous of me as well as many times she has said I am so lucky to be in my pyjamas at 7pm...

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:49

TheaBrandt · 02/01/2023 18:46

It’s odd they want you there. We occasionally invited extended family for very young babies as nice excuse for family party but 4 plus it’s rightly about them and their pals and the parents are busy facilitating the party. They can’t properly host you and won’t let you help so frankly what’s the point?

Exactly my thoughts!! SIL is like "It's all about the children", which is fair enough as they are her children. But I think she expected me to be more involved and around a lot more like her brother (who lives 10 minutes away, I live an hour away) - plus I work full time and look after my mother. It's very difficult.

OP posts:
WhatCanWeDoNext · 02/01/2023 18:49

“Ah, he doesn’t want the oldies like us there, cramping his style. Just pay for his friends* and we’ll see him another time.”

*I know you said you got no food/drink last time so they’re not actually paying for you anyway.

If pushed further “No, don’t worry about it, we can see him another time.” Make out that you think she is the one feeling bad about it.

thunderstruckk · 02/01/2023 18:50

@essexgrrl1980 no they've never expressed any offence! I think most people realise that with no DC it's a weird environment for us and the DC are too busy having fun to even know were there 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think because we make time to see them and take presents separately we're showing we care! This sounds like more of an issue with the SIL that the actual party, if they don't let you help, the DC are busy and you have no DC to take - there's no reason for you to go imo as long as you're not just ignoring the birthdays entirely.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:53

thunderstruckk · 02/01/2023 18:50

@essexgrrl1980 no they've never expressed any offence! I think most people realise that with no DC it's a weird environment for us and the DC are too busy having fun to even know were there 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think because we make time to see them and take presents separately we're showing we care! This sounds like more of an issue with the SIL that the actual party, if they don't let you help, the DC are busy and you have no DC to take - there's no reason for you to go imo as long as you're not just ignoring the birthdays entirely.

I wish my brother's family were as understanding! Yes, I never ignore their birthdays. Bought them lots of lovely presents (which I check in advance with SIL). I feel we all try so hard but one refusal to do anything where the kids are involved is like we don't care about them at all 😔

OP posts:
Englishash · 02/01/2023 18:53

It’s a kids party. Send a nice present and a thoughtfully worded card. The kids wont miss you. Your SIL will miss a chance to Lord it over you. Shame! Don’t feel guilty.

StopStartStop · 02/01/2023 18:53

Two-stage solution:

  1. Don't go
  2. Don't give a shit what they think about it.
FictionalCharacter · 02/01/2023 18:54

Who benefits from you going?
Not you, you don’t want to be there.
Not the kids, they just want to play with their friends.
Not SIL, who is a right cow and doesn’t seem to even like you.
Not your brother, who doesn’t care.
Nobody benefits so it’s pointless. I don’t get this thing about adults being invited to a little kid’s party anyway, it’s weird, I’d say no and the parents could strop all they want. Your SIL is going to moan whether you go or not, so why put yourself through it?

Montague22 · 02/01/2023 18:54

Don’t go if you don’t want to. My siblings only visited for 1st birthdays and then rightly said they weren’t that keen to travel for a kids party!
I dutifully went to nieces and nephews parties for years when food was put on. Once it switched to yea and cake I didn’t bother. The return wasn’t good enough 😆
Other people’s kid’s parties aren’t particularly fun.

If you can do something fun after, eg visit a local pub or attraction then maybe. But definitely don’t feel you have to.

cpphelp · 02/01/2023 18:55

Honestly, I'd go.
I'd also turn up with lots of helium balloons for my nieces and nephews and their friends, and depending on the time of party, croissants or sandwiches for the adults and go round and introduce myself to EVERY SINGLE PARENT.
I have three under four and I value the help of everyone - family or random nursery parent - who helps at my kids parties.

FictionalCharacter · 02/01/2023 18:55

StopStartStop · 02/01/2023 18:53

Two-stage solution:

  1. Don't go
  2. Don't give a shit what they think about it.

You said it better 👍🏽

Swipe left for the next trending thread