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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to attend nephew's birthday party

121 replies

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:27

Hi there, first time poster, and really need some friendly advice as this subject plays havoc with my anxiety. Apologies for the long post but will appreciate any opinions!

Bit of background, I have a niece and nephew, 5 & 7. I do not have kids myself and hubby and I don't want any. My relationship with my SIL is strained. SIL also has issues with my mother (who is 75 and disabled, and I am her part time carer).

We have been invited to my nephews birthday party in two weeks but don't really want to go. When we went to a joint party for my niece and nephew in 2021, we drove to the venue (which took over an hour). I offered to help out but that was refused. So, we just sat and watched for two hours. The kids, understandably, were playing with their friends. And I was happy with this as they were happy! Apart from saying hello and goodbye, I had no interaction with them. So, we were literally just sitting around, being ignored by SIL and her parents as they were busy, and wouldn't let us help. So, we just felt it was pointless as we had no quality time with the kids, and we were just sitting there like lemons. Oh, and no food and drink was offered to the adults.

Last month, my brother said we didn't have to come to my nieces party in December 2022 if we didn't want to, it's no big deal to him (he is easy going). So we didn't go. I did make up an excuse (I realise I should have been honest) but my SIL took this personally and said I was lying. She actually said this to my mum, not me, as my mum is quite an easy target to be honest and can easily be told off without defending herself (she overthinks things afterwards).

Now, my nephews birthday party (which is joint with his friend) is in two weeks time. Again, the journey is about an hour or so and will last an hour and a half. I don't want to go as it will be like the last one - the kids will be enjoying themselves with their friends, they will probably hardly notice me, and my SIL and her parents (her mother is controlling) will no doubt ignore us and if they do talk to us, will make sarcastic comments.

What do I do? Whatever we seem to do is wrong. If we make an effort with things, it's not appreciated, just expected. I had them all round for lunch a couple of weeks ago. It was all nice but they left after about 3 hours, very quickly as my SIL got annoyed about something my mother had done (of which we have no idea).

When I have seen SIL's mother, she has questioned me about not having children on a couple of occasions. I wish I could say what I really want to say, but don't have the nerve and want to keep the peace.

Any advice greatly appreciated!!

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 02/01/2023 21:45

You could go and fill your pockets with sweets and chocolate, kazoos and cans of silly string. Throw yourself into the soft play and wind the dc up to fever pitch so that they think you are the best aunty ever, then sugar them up and give them back to SIL… they cant say you arent interested in their dc then!

but seriously, this is a no win situation… your best hope is to get your Mum to agree and for both of you to only do what works for you both until the dc are old enough to have phones and then you can have an independent relationship with them. If you can both be in the mind set that its a no win situation, then if SIL rants at either of you, its just water off a ducks back (which will probably also drive SIL batty!). Stick a big sign on your fridge that says NO WIN

RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 21:47

How hard can it be to say. "we can't make it to the party"?

No excuses, just a big fat no. You need to learn how to shut the conversation down. I'm assuming these messages are in writing rather than a telephone conversation, so once you have sent the message declining the invitation, just mute the conversation.

DollyDoofer · 02/01/2023 21:51

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 21:15

Oh, we wouldn't be allowed to take them out without the parents...the kids would not be happy at all without their parents (or her parents). But I could offer to take them all out I suppose

Show quote history

You - Sorry SIL I can’t make it to X’s birthday party. Myself and mum would love to take him out, on his own, for a few hours on the Saturday before his birthday.

SIL - Oh no! My precious little cherub won’t be happy if I’m not around. I don’t think that’s a good idea 😱 I couldn’t possibly allow him to go somewhere without me!

Win, win 😉

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 21:53

DollyDoofer · 02/01/2023 21:51

You - Sorry SIL I can’t make it to X’s birthday party. Myself and mum would love to take him out, on his own, for a few hours on the Saturday before his birthday.

SIL - Oh no! My precious little cherub won’t be happy if I’m not around. I don’t think that’s a good idea 😱 I couldn’t possibly allow him to go somewhere without me!

Win, win 😉

Show quote history

This is great!

Also you: Sorry I can't come because I died. Just now. In my casket and everything actually. Yup...

Smoom · 02/01/2023 22:02

Her expectations aren’t your obligations.

I agree with what others have said, it’s odd you’re invited to this kind of celebration. Best to communicate with your brother, and call it off.

Summerfun54321 · 02/01/2023 22:06

Your SIL is being weird inviting you. Just be honest and decline and say thanks so much much the invite but you'll let your nephew have fun with his friends without you cramping his style. Why waste your time trying to please your odd SIL? It doesn't sound like you can win with her whatever you do.

Ihearticecream · 02/01/2023 22:09

SIL wants you to drive an hour to sit bored for 2 hours watching children play while she ignores you, her parents ignore you and you are offered no food or drink. And she’s the one acting like this is something you should be jumping to attend??
I’d go to the 92 year olds party and send your SIL pictures to prove you were there and be super over the top nice about it (kill her with kindness) oh hope DN had an Amazing party! Here we are with 92 year old (she says hi!)

TheaBrandt · 02/01/2023 23:42

It’s all very strange. They make it clear they don’t really want you there you don’t want to be there and yet you go? Bonkers!

UWhatNow · 03/01/2023 00:40

Why are you and your mother - both grown adults - so scared of this batshit woman?

BeatieBourke · 03/01/2023 01:01

You seem very polite. You need to be more blunt (whilst still kind) and say what you mean:

"We'd love to see X! Of course they'll quite rightly be busy playing with their lovely friends at their party. I hope they have a great time. We'd rather travel when we get to spend some time with X, they're so lovely. Credit to you! Let us know a good time - maybe hot chocolate and cake in a cafe half way? x"

Even your highly strung SIL would have a job to make a drama out of that.

Carlycat · 03/01/2023 01:07

You've no kids and don't want them. Why tf would you go to a kids party?

Carlycat · 03/01/2023 01:08

And seriously, stop caring what she thinks of you. She'll hate you whatever you do...

harrassedmumto3 · 03/01/2023 01:09

Of course the kids won't interact much with you at their parties. But they will remember you being there.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/01/2023 01:26

StopStartStop · 02/01/2023 18:53

Two-stage solution:

Don't go
Don't give a shit what they think about it.

This.

When people don’t like you, don’t like them back. You’re trying to please them.

PrincessNakatomi · 03/01/2023 01:28

harrassedmumto3 · 03/01/2023 01:09

Of course the kids won't interact much with you at their parties. But they will remember you being there.

But they won’t, because SIL and her mum keep OP away from everyone.

Fraaahnces · 03/01/2023 01:46

I think you need to message both your brother and SIL and say that as your mother’s carer, you don’t wish to subject either you or her to any more long car trips to be stuffed into a corner and rudely dismissed, offered no food or beverages and then ignored for several hours and then dismissed for the return journey. Dogs are treated better than that or charges are laid.

You are tired of the counselling your mother after she has been on the other end of sarcastic and upsetting phone calls accusing you of lying, etc… and frankly you personally have had enough intrusive, rude and judgemental comments from SIL and her mother about how you spend your evenings and your lack of children. You have been nothing but polite so far, but that is going to change if this continues.

SIL is going to have to learn to treat you and your mother with the same dignity and respect that she expects. You love seeing the kids, but it is not always possible, appropriate or enjoyable to be wheeled out to suit SIL’s purposes.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 18/04/2023 03:30

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:36

Yes, I could, but then SIL would be offended and say why? And say I'm not interested in the children, and I'm selfish for not wanting to see them enjoying themselves. She has said something similar before...

Why do you care so much if she is offended or not?

rowanoak · 18/04/2023 05:04

This is a whole bunch of enmeshment, triangulation, co-dependency, enabling, the works.

OP you are getting caught up on the drama in your head and are being part of the problem here IMO.

"No thanks" is a complete sentence. Say it, mean it, and focus on yourself instead of your SIL. You can't control other people's actions. You can only control your own reactions. You certainly can't and shouldn't make anyone like you. Their opinion is their own and should be of no business of yours.

I think if you learned these things you would be a lot less bothered by SIL and realize that she truly doesn't matter in your mind unless you let her.

rowanoak · 18/04/2023 05:18

When people don't like me or treat me badly such as by inviting me to a party and then ignoring me, or calling me a liar, I don't like them either. I stay away from them. Why are you chasing her approval just because your mom wants you to? That raises red flags to me. There's probably a reason your brother has no b*lls as you say, and you clearly have no spine either. The reason is very likely your mother/parents and the dynamic they modeled.

I recommend therapy. It has helped me a lot with similar issues and now I am happy with myself and my own life and I don't care what other people think of me based on decisions I make that are best for myself. Or the only reason I care is so that I know to stay away from those people and their drama and not let them into my head or life, which is very short, precious, and my own to live the way I want to without excuses.

Obviously I love and care for those people I brought into this world or married or have a mutually respectful loving relationship with (my created or chosen family) and I do a lot for them. But after that, there is no more bandwidth left for those to whom that doesn't apply. I save my love for those who are capable of loving me (or are my children who I will always love unconditionally no matter what because I view that as my duty as their mother who chose to have. Life is a lot simpler and better when I focus on my inner circle and when I DGAF about what those not in my inner circle think or do or say about me.

And if anyone pressured me to care (is your mother) they wouldn't be in ng inner circle either because someone who truly loved me would not ask me to be around someone who treats me so horribly! They would not ask me to keep the peace with someone who enjoys emotionally abusing me. Which is why I am side-eying your mom here big time, especially when you're saying you are doing things she wants you to do that you will resent after she dies. Who taught you to do that? I'm assuming her. My mom taught me similar things. But through therapy I've learned that's codependency and not a healthy relationship or way to live.

Love is not resentment or guilt trips or enduring mistreatment in the name of 'faaaaamily.' Self-love, which is necessary for happiness, is about being true to what you want, politely yet clearly stating your boundaries and needs to others, and not putting up with mistreatment no matter what anyone else might want you to do. And love for others is about communicating your boundaries clearly and respecting when they do the same.

Tell your SIL NO. Tell your MIL NO. Tell your brother NO. Tell yourself YES to doing what feels best for you. Be true to yourself and you'll have 100% less angst about your SIL.

maddy68 · 18/04/2023 05:38

Why ding you say that instead of coming to the party you'll take him to the cinema for a cinema treat with his grandmother so you don't interrupt his time playing with his friends for his birthday

JonesDrones · 18/04/2023 05:55

Zombie thread alert 🔔
I feel like this situation may have resolved itself by now!

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