Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to attend nephew's birthday party

121 replies

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:27

Hi there, first time poster, and really need some friendly advice as this subject plays havoc with my anxiety. Apologies for the long post but will appreciate any opinions!

Bit of background, I have a niece and nephew, 5 & 7. I do not have kids myself and hubby and I don't want any. My relationship with my SIL is strained. SIL also has issues with my mother (who is 75 and disabled, and I am her part time carer).

We have been invited to my nephews birthday party in two weeks but don't really want to go. When we went to a joint party for my niece and nephew in 2021, we drove to the venue (which took over an hour). I offered to help out but that was refused. So, we just sat and watched for two hours. The kids, understandably, were playing with their friends. And I was happy with this as they were happy! Apart from saying hello and goodbye, I had no interaction with them. So, we were literally just sitting around, being ignored by SIL and her parents as they were busy, and wouldn't let us help. So, we just felt it was pointless as we had no quality time with the kids, and we were just sitting there like lemons. Oh, and no food and drink was offered to the adults.

Last month, my brother said we didn't have to come to my nieces party in December 2022 if we didn't want to, it's no big deal to him (he is easy going). So we didn't go. I did make up an excuse (I realise I should have been honest) but my SIL took this personally and said I was lying. She actually said this to my mum, not me, as my mum is quite an easy target to be honest and can easily be told off without defending herself (she overthinks things afterwards).

Now, my nephews birthday party (which is joint with his friend) is in two weeks time. Again, the journey is about an hour or so and will last an hour and a half. I don't want to go as it will be like the last one - the kids will be enjoying themselves with their friends, they will probably hardly notice me, and my SIL and her parents (her mother is controlling) will no doubt ignore us and if they do talk to us, will make sarcastic comments.

What do I do? Whatever we seem to do is wrong. If we make an effort with things, it's not appreciated, just expected. I had them all round for lunch a couple of weeks ago. It was all nice but they left after about 3 hours, very quickly as my SIL got annoyed about something my mother had done (of which we have no idea).

When I have seen SIL's mother, she has questioned me about not having children on a couple of occasions. I wish I could say what I really want to say, but don't have the nerve and want to keep the peace.

Any advice greatly appreciated!!

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:14

IhateJan22 · 02/01/2023 19:14

I don’t invite relatives to my child’s party unless they’ve similar age children, there is no point as like you said the kids are off with their own friends. Why they expect you there is weird.

Yep. They are weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:15

RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 19:00

I think it's weird to invite adults to a children's party, especailly if it is in a soft play or something similar. The child won't care if you're there or not. They will just want to play with their friends.

Just say you can't make it. End of. Once your SIL starts to realise that she can't guilt trip you into doing something that is of no interest to you the invitations will stop.

@StopStartStop has said it better than I have.

I really hope you're right. It's all just guilt tripping isn't it? Why. Why would someone be like that? Secretly, I think she is unhappy about something...

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:17

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 19:05

If people ask you about having children, look them in the eye and say "that's a bit personal, isn't it? How deep do you want me to go?". It is insufferably rude to ask people about that.

For the party, just say you'd rather visit at a time when you'll get a chance to speak to and play with the child and leave it at that. If SIL moans, just ignore it.

It's been the bane of my adult life for the last 15 years. I like cats.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 19:18

There is nothing wrong with saying that children aren't for you.
I like cats as well. They are the best pets.

ChaToilLeam · 02/01/2023 19:18

Just don’t join in your SIL’s weird games. You don’t like her and she sounds like a right piece of work, so who cares what she thinks?

Perhaps if you stand up to her, your mum might feel more able to do so too.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:19

RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 19:12

But my mum and aunt want to keep the peace for the sake of my brother.

It isn't your responsibility to do this. What difference does it make?
Your brother needs to put his big boy pants on and stand up for his mum.

Chance would be a fine thing!

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 02/01/2023 19:19

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:40

Gin? Now you're talking my language!!😂

Show quote history

Needs must 😆 I have been known to have wine in a coffee mug at certain family events. Good luck OP Wine

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 19:20

i was married for 15 years before i changed my mind (married young) and had children.

And i just used to look at them, take a beat to "think" and then make up some shit (dependinng on the situation). "my vagina is a hostile environment for Mr Brefugee's sperm" was a favourite. I can also cry on command so "oh, don't..." floods of tears. I am very confident in myself and quite bolshy (depending on who is describing me) so i don't worry about pissing people off. After all, the question severely pissed me off.

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 19:20

Sorry SiL, but kids party's not really our thing. Hope they have a lovely day though. That's all that's needed if you've already given a gift and card for their actual birthday.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 02/01/2023 19:22

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:36

Yes, I could, but then SIL would be offended and say why? And say I'm not interested in the children, and I'm selfish for not wanting to see them enjoying themselves. She has said something similar before...

Just say no thank you. You don't need to give a reason. I said to my bff when it was her daughters birthday I'm sure that will be lovely, but not for me thanks. It was no problem.

Gingerlygreen · 02/01/2023 19:23

It amazes me why anyone invites adults to a kids party, the children certainly don't care about anyone other than their friends being there.

Most people I know have a party for the kids friends then maybe invite a few family to the house one afternoon for a sandwich and birthday cake.

Regarding your sil say thanks for the invite but you can't make it, you don't need to give a reason, tell her to pass on your love to your nephew and hope he enjoys his party and likes the present you gave him

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 19:23

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:08

Oh don't even go there. He is a lovely, peace loving man. But has no b*lls and just does what his wife says 🙄

Show quote history

You sound quite feisty! Does this translate to real life? Could you say something? Sounds like there’s no love lost anyway, so it’s unlikely to worsen relationships. Could you have an honest conversation with your sil? She’s bullying you and your mum.

forrestgreen · 02/01/2023 19:23

Message your brother

'Db, hi last party we didn't get change to say much more than hello to dn as he was having so much fun with his friends. Mum and I would like to come another weekend for a bit to spend some quality time with everyone. When's good for you?'

roarfeckingroarr · 02/01/2023 19:26

First birthday are quite important for the parents. I invited loads of family and friends and did a large spread with lots of champagne for adults. Subsequent birthdays, I don't really see the point in making other adults - who don't have kids to bring along - come along.

ShabbyChic999 · 02/01/2023 19:28

I have children myself and think it's ridiculous that they invite you to a kids birthday party - when ours were small we would have had a kids party with the friends and definitely not had extended family as would be so boring for them - then we usually had a family gathering for cake and this would be a good chance for grandparents/aunts/uncles to come to. I would just say no to the party!! No need to make up an excuse just say you won't make it but could call another time to see nephew to make a fuss of him and give him a present

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:32

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 19:23

You sound quite feisty! Does this translate to real life? Could you say something? Sounds like there’s no love lost anyway, so it’s unlikely to worsen relationships. Could you have an honest conversation with your sil? She’s bullying you and your mum.

Show quote history

Think I can be feisty...especially right now as I have PMT 😂. But I really don't want to have an honest conversation with her. I hate confrontation unless I am really pushed. I had an argument with her a couple of years ago at my mums house where we were both screaming at each other but I was shaking and everything afterwards.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 19:37

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:32

Think I can be feisty...especially right now as I have PMT 😂. But I really don't want to have an honest conversation with her. I hate confrontation unless I am really pushed. I had an argument with her a couple of years ago at my mums house where we were both screaming at each other but I was shaking and everything afterwards.

Show quote history

She sounds horrible. If your brother won’t step up, I think someone needs to protect your mum, but I can imagine, given the current situation, that she won’t let any of you see the kids. I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut if someone was being such a ruddy pain, but I know what you mean about confrontation, I hate it. She might be looking for an excuse to cut you out of their lives.

AlbertaAnnie · 02/01/2023 19:44

Kids parties are awful! Why do you need a excuse - just say it’s a long drive and you don’t want to maybe you can take them to park when your next over? My family avoid my kids parties like the plague and I really don’t blame them 🤣

Cakecakecheese · 02/01/2023 19:46

It sounds like you can't win. If you do go she'll probably find some reason to be miffed at you, if you don't go she'll still be miffed but at least you won't have had to sit through the party.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 19:47

Sounds like your SIL will take offence whatever you do.

Is she your brother's wife or your husband's sister?

Either way, you can either:

Be honest and say kids' parties are not for you

Say you have enough on your plate caring for your Mum

or

Mysteriously come down with COVID or flu the day before.

You really don't have to go. The kids won't care (in all honesty, all they will want is cake and presents) and it's just another way for your SIL to grind you down.

catandcoffee · 02/01/2023 19:48

She's an awful bully.
Don't let her make you feel guilty for not attending the party.

Unfortunately, your brother allows her to treat his family like 💩.

There's nothing you can do about him but stick up for your Mother.....don't allow her to be bullied.

I've no idea why she invites adults to a party then ignores them.weird behaviour

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 19:49

Just saw your update.

Tell your brother to ask her to have some manners!

Zanatdy · 02/01/2023 19:49

Bit random to invite family without kids to a soft play style party. Sure if it’s at home and you can spend time with kids and chat to adults. But sitting in a soft play or venue watching kids play. What’s the point. Just say you’re busy and let her draw whatever conclusion she wants. Maybe do something on that day so you’re not lying as such. Get something booked

forgotmyusername1 · 02/01/2023 19:50

We do a friend party and then have a family tea party with cake another day. Wouldn't occur to me to mix the two

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/01/2023 19:52

Inviting adults without kids to a kids party odd unless you are asking for help with setting up something. It would be nice to see them separately maybe before or just after party.