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Original poster

Not wanting to attend nephew's birthday party

121 replies

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:27

Hi there, first time poster, and really need some friendly advice as this subject plays havoc with my anxiety. Apologies for the long post but will appreciate any opinions!

Bit of background, I have a niece and nephew, 5 & 7. I do not have kids myself and hubby and I don't want any. My relationship with my SIL is strained. SIL also has issues with my mother (who is 75 and disabled, and I am her part time carer).

We have been invited to my nephews birthday party in two weeks but don't really want to go. When we went to a joint party for my niece and nephew in 2021, we drove to the venue (which took over an hour). I offered to help out but that was refused. So, we just sat and watched for two hours. The kids, understandably, were playing with their friends. And I was happy with this as they were happy! Apart from saying hello and goodbye, I had no interaction with them. So, we were literally just sitting around, being ignored by SIL and her parents as they were busy, and wouldn't let us help. So, we just felt it was pointless as we had no quality time with the kids, and we were just sitting there like lemons. Oh, and no food and drink was offered to the adults.

Last month, my brother said we didn't have to come to my nieces party in December 2022 if we didn't want to, it's no big deal to him (he is easy going). So we didn't go. I did make up an excuse (I realise I should have been honest) but my SIL took this personally and said I was lying. She actually said this to my mum, not me, as my mum is quite an easy target to be honest and can easily be told off without defending herself (she overthinks things afterwards).

Now, my nephews birthday party (which is joint with his friend) is in two weeks time. Again, the journey is about an hour or so and will last an hour and a half. I don't want to go as it will be like the last one - the kids will be enjoying themselves with their friends, they will probably hardly notice me, and my SIL and her parents (her mother is controlling) will no doubt ignore us and if they do talk to us, will make sarcastic comments.

What do I do? Whatever we seem to do is wrong. If we make an effort with things, it's not appreciated, just expected. I had them all round for lunch a couple of weeks ago. It was all nice but they left after about 3 hours, very quickly as my SIL got annoyed about something my mother had done (of which we have no idea).

When I have seen SIL's mother, she has questioned me about not having children on a couple of occasions. I wish I could say what I really want to say, but don't have the nerve and want to keep the peace.

Any advice greatly appreciated!!

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 02/01/2023 18:56

Nah, don’t go. If she wants to be mad then just let her get on with it. Why do you care so much about what she thinks? She’s not worried about offending you.

GroggyLegs · 02/01/2023 18:57

You need the get over SIL & her opinion of you.

If you go, she's awful and ignores you & if you don't go she's awful and bad mouths you.

If she was truly bothered about fostering a relationship with her children, she'd ask you to come for birthday cake or meet up for a walk or a Sunday lunch.

As it is, she just wants an easy way to say you were invited & pour scorn. You may as well do what suits you, your Mum & your brother.

cpphelp · 02/01/2023 18:58

But if you don't want to go, then send what a PP wrote to your brother about the SIL thinking you're lying.... send the 92yr olds birth cert photo!

RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 19:00

I think it's weird to invite adults to a children's party, especailly if it is in a soft play or something similar. The child won't care if you're there or not. They will just want to play with their friends.

Just say you can't make it. End of. Once your SIL starts to realise that she can't guilt trip you into doing something that is of no interest to you the invitations will stop.

@StopStartStop has said it better than I have.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:00

whumpthereitis · 02/01/2023 18:56

Nah, don’t go. If she wants to be mad then just let her get on with it. Why do you care so much about what she thinks? She’s not worried about offending you.

Because my mum overthinks things and then thinks we should go. And then, will no doubt, get a mouthful from SIL at some point and my mum is rubbish at defending herself and talking back. She's basically afraid of her.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 02/01/2023 19:01

Some people are never happy no matter what you do, so it's okay to stop trying. She will carp about you regardless!
Id go with the truth - a kids party is hellish and since you have no kids, you aren't putting yourself through it. What is she going to do?
I think it would also be more than okay to tell to stop being such a fucking bitch to your mother too.
With some people, the only way to tackle them is bluntly!

browlow · 02/01/2023 19:01

You will never please people like that. So don't even try

Climbles · 02/01/2023 19:04

Kids parties are not fun for adults. Family parties are a bit different. She shouldn’t expect you to come. If you want to be honest say something like-
‘DN will be having such a good time we won’t get to see him. Why don’t we meet up next week when we can get some quality time’

DollyDoofer · 02/01/2023 19:04

I don’t get why people invite adults to a kids birthday party. WTF wants to go to a kids birthday party? Especially if they don’t have kids who have been invited.

You don’t want to go so don’t go. You won’t be the only one to excuse themselves.

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 19:05

If people ask you about having children, look them in the eye and say "that's a bit personal, isn't it? How deep do you want me to go?". It is insufferably rude to ask people about that.

For the party, just say you'd rather visit at a time when you'll get a chance to speak to and play with the child and leave it at that. If SIL moans, just ignore it.

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 19:05

Who attends kids’ parties as the aunt? Bit unusual. Can’t you have a word with your brother and just say you don’t really want to attend a kid’s party? He sounds nicer. Plus, where the hell does she get off telling you you’re lying? What the bloody hell does it have to do with her if you don’t go? You don’t have to make excuses, you just say you don’t want to go, last time you barely saw him and nobody spoke to you. Easy.

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 19:06

and tell your Brother to tell his arsehole wife to stop bullying his mother.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:06

GroggyLegs · 02/01/2023 18:57

You need the get over SIL & her opinion of you.

If you go, she's awful and ignores you & if you don't go she's awful and bad mouths you.

If she was truly bothered about fostering a relationship with her children, she'd ask you to come for birthday cake or meet up for a walk or a Sunday lunch.

As it is, she just wants an easy way to say you were invited & pour scorn. You may as well do what suits you, your Mum & your brother.

You're so right. Her opinion of us will always be negative. But my mum and aunt want to keep the peace for the sake of my brother.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 19:06

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:00

Because my mum overthinks things and then thinks we should go. And then, will no doubt, get a mouthful from SIL at some point and my mum is rubbish at defending herself and talking back. She's basically afraid of her.

Show quote history

Maybe time your brother had a word about his wife’s rudeness to your mum?

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:07

cpphelp · 02/01/2023 18:58

But if you don't want to go, then send what a PP wrote to your brother about the SIL thinking you're lying.... send the 92yr olds birth cert photo!

😂yes, that might work!!

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:08

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 19:06

Maybe time your brother had a word about his wife’s rudeness to your mum?

Show quote history

Oh don't even go there. He is a lovely, peace loving man. But has no b*lls and just does what his wife says 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:09

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 19:06

and tell your Brother to tell his arsehole wife to stop bullying his mother.

I would but there will always be something my mother has done. Even when she does something right, it's wrong. Seriously, when my mother isn't here anymore, I don't know how I am going to deal with the resentment.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 02/01/2023 19:10

essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 18:39

Thanks Emma, that's a good idea. It's really tough as we don't see them regularly. My mum would LOVE to have a proper relationship with her grandchildren, but they hardly see her as they live a distance away and spend all their time with SIL's parents. It's all really quite sad.

It is sad. Unfortunately your mum can't change your SIL. I'm a mum to boys and I worry about this happening. Men can often be passive in relationships and women tend to prefer their own family.

Your SIL sounds rude and petty and there's not much you can do about that. I would personally just go through your brother. And be honest, don't let your SIL slag you off with no reprocussions.

Does he know she said you were lying?

Oh well, her loss. Just turn it down and move on. It's not you, it's her.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:10

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 19:05

Who attends kids’ parties as the aunt? Bit unusual. Can’t you have a word with your brother and just say you don’t really want to attend a kid’s party? He sounds nicer. Plus, where the hell does she get off telling you you’re lying? What the bloody hell does it have to do with her if you don’t go? You don’t have to make excuses, you just say you don’t want to go, last time you barely saw him and nobody spoke to you. Easy.

Exactly my point!! He is nice, but she is not, and she rules the roost.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 02/01/2023 19:11

Defend your mother, FFS. Stop being a wet lettuce. This is your MOTHER here and you are letting her be bullied.

How you deal with the resentment? ignore it. Why are you so desperate for this batshit bullying SIL's approval?

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:12

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/01/2023 19:10

It is sad. Unfortunately your mum can't change your SIL. I'm a mum to boys and I worry about this happening. Men can often be passive in relationships and women tend to prefer their own family.

Your SIL sounds rude and petty and there's not much you can do about that. I would personally just go through your brother. And be honest, don't let your SIL slag you off with no reprocussions.

Does he know she said you were lying?

Oh well, her loss. Just turn it down and move on. It's not you, it's her.

Show quote history

I don't know if he knows she said I was lying. Probably. The thing is, none of us can have a conversation with my brother without SIL in the background prompting him on what to say. It's all pathetic TBH.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 19:12

But my mum and aunt want to keep the peace for the sake of my brother.

It isn't your responsibility to do this. What difference does it make?
Your brother needs to put his big boy pants on and stand up for his mum.

DeoForty · 02/01/2023 19:13

If she's the type to find fault in all you do, why try? If you don't want to go, don't. You can buy an experience type gift for your nephew that your DH, you and niece and nephew can do together.

Original poster
essexgrrl1980 · 02/01/2023 19:14

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 19:11

Defend your mother, FFS. Stop being a wet lettuce. This is your MOTHER here and you are letting her be bullied.

How you deal with the resentment? ignore it. Why are you so desperate for this batshit bullying SIL's approval?

I don't know why I want her approval! TBH, it's more for my mothers sake...I am more annoyed with my brother for letting his wife talk to his mother the way she does.

I am glad I am not the only one who think she is a sandwich short of a picnic.

OP posts:
IhateJan22 · 02/01/2023 19:14

I don’t invite relatives to my child’s party unless they’ve similar age children, there is no point as like you said the kids are off with their own friends. Why they expect you there is weird.