Not wanting to attend nephew's birthday party

[essexgrrl1980]

Hi there, first time poster, and really need some friendly advice as this subject plays havoc with my anxiety. Apologies for the long post but will appreciate any opinions!

Bit of background, I have a niece and nephew, 5 & 7. I do not have kids myself and hubby and I don't want any. My relationship with my SIL is strained. SIL also has issues with my mother (who is 75 and disabled, and I am her part time carer).

We have been invited to my nephews birthday party in two weeks but don't really want to go. When we went to a joint party for my niece and nephew in 2021, we drove to the venue (which took over an hour). I offered to help out but that was refused. So, we just sat and watched for two hours. The kids, understandably, were playing with their friends. And I was happy with this as they were happy! Apart from saying hello and goodbye, I had no interaction with them. So, we were literally just sitting around, being ignored by SIL and her parents as they were busy, and wouldn't let us help. So, we just felt it was pointless as we had no quality time with the kids, and we were just sitting there like lemons. Oh, and no food and drink was offered to the adults.

Last month, my brother said we didn't have to come to my nieces party in December 2022 if we didn't want to, it's no big deal to him (he is easy going). So we didn't go. I did make up an excuse (I realise I should have been honest) but my SIL took this personally and said I was lying. She actually said this to my mum, not me, as my mum is quite an easy target to be honest and can easily be told off without defending herself (she overthinks things afterwards).

Now, my nephews birthday party (which is joint with his friend) is in two weeks time. Again, the journey is about an hour or so and will last an hour and a half. I don't want to go as it will be like the last one - the kids will be enjoying themselves with their friends, they will probably hardly notice me, and my SIL and her parents (her mother is controlling) will no doubt ignore us and if they do talk to us, will make sarcastic comments.

What do I do? Whatever we seem to do is wrong. If we make an effort with things, it's not appreciated, just expected. I had them all round for lunch a couple of weeks ago. It was all nice but they left after about 3 hours, very quickly as my SIL got annoyed about something my mother had done (of which we have no idea).

When I have seen SIL's mother, she has questioned me about not having children on a couple of occasions. I wish I could say what I really want to say, but don't have the nerve and want to keep the peace.

Any advice greatly appreciated!!

Don’t make an excuse, just say we won’t be coming to the party, but if you have a gathering for family we would love to attend. Then send a nice gift in the post if they don’t have a family gathering. I’ve always done a kids party plus family gathering for mine, unless they are below school age in which case we just invite our friends and their kids if they have them. If not they can still come and have a few drinks (summer baby so we had a garden type party).

So it seems I'm against the grain here but both sides of my family are very family- orientated and tbh child-centred too. So for us it would be odd not to invite close relations of our kids to their birthday parties. They won't all come for various reasons and I wouldn't be offended by any who don't, if they made an effort in other ways. As I do get that a children's party isn't exactly the most comfortable environment for some adults! However a number of close relatives do come to the parties in both sides of our families when they can (e.g. grandparents, aunties and uncles, cousins, even great grand parents and great aunties and uncles sometimes). And the kids in the family absolutely do know they're there and spend time with them, usually ending up with some of their friends also playing with and interacting with the relatives too! But we are close families and the kids are all close to all these relatives and also ask for them to be there at the parties too.

Dear sil, I love the kids and would do anything for them but I draw the line at spending two hours in a location containing

Clowns
Magicians
Mr tumble wanabees
Child entertainers who think they are power rangers or something similar
Soft play
Anything containing bubbles unless it is alcoholic or chocolate
Dj's playing baby shark, gummy bear or anything from a Disney film
Bouncy castles
Kids screaming

If you decide do have a family party containing cake I will come if physically able and similarly when children are old enough that their birthday parties are a pint at the dog and duck then count me in but at the current time it is really not my scene

No, she's offered nothing for family. Not sure why. Probably too busy which is fair enough with little kids. I will try to say what you say to my SIL but no doubt will be responded with sarcasm...

😀😂😂I would love to say that!!! Doubt she would see the funny side though. Uptight is not the word.

Awfully enough, I am kinda hoping I get Covid so I don't have to go. How bad is that??

The idea of spending two hours in a contained echoing place full of children screaming sends shivers down my spine.

Make an excuse. ANY EXCUSE!

And tell your DH to grow some balls, talk to his sister and tell his mother to wind her neck in.

I'm thinking of excuses! But FYI, it's my brother and SIL. My DH and mother are just sick of the whole thing!!

Crazy answers work well. I remember when people asked "when are you going to stop breastfeeding?" (DS was just a few months old). I used to say "When he goes to university". It worked.

In your situation, OP, I'd say "a fortune teller told me my child would be an alien and destroy the earth. I don't want to risk it."

Or something like that.

😂😂 That's brilliant, love it!!

This is good. Find out if there's entertainment and say you are scared of it (ie clowns). Or you could suddenly have a fear or balloons or cake!

I think you need to focus your communication on your brother and back of from SIL.

Hope they stop asking 😊

Why does the sil have so much power in this dynamic? It’s really odd.

I have tried. But every time I talk to my brother, whether it be on the phone or text (or IRL), he repeats everything back to her. It's like he has no opinion of his own anymore 😔

I feel like she uses the children in an emotional blackmail kind of way. Plus, I think she has some undiagnosed mental health issues, but that's just my opinion.

YANBU, OP, children’s parties are only interesting for their friends and their parents!

It’s generally accepted that as kids get older they have parties at soft play or at home with a magician, entertainment, etc.

The only draw for siblings could be a really good food spread, which isn’t being provided here.

Please, please don’t go, it sounds utterly miserable.

Offer to take the children out the weekend before or after with your mum to a fastfood restaurant they'd like, or for afternoon tea, whatever won't offend horrendous SIL. Duty done. Bro and SIL get 2 hours off.

We have 2 kids, 5 and 7 and we never expect SIL and BIL to attend kids parties. They also have no kids. I asked them this year to sons party and they came but they helped a lot and my SIL was mingling nicely with other mums and we include them in everything. They also come back to the house after and stay for the night so they make a weekend of it. But if they couldn't make it, I'm not bothered at all! It's not like I need to head count adults at a kids party and it can be boring.
I wasn't really expecting them to come this really but due to covid was first proper party in ages.

Your inlaws sound like hard work and not very warm or inviting.

Does SIL not realise her kids might be there centre of her world but others, especially those without kids, aren't going to naturally feel exactly the same. I know you are Aunt but still, she sounds very self centred

Oh, we wouldn't be allowed to take them out without the parents...the kids would not be happy at all without their parents (or her parents). But I could offer to take them all out I suppose

Nope, she thinks everyone should think like she does. The kids are her whole world (understandably) but as I have no children, they should be mine as well...

This Is definitely her issue. I wouldn't expect people to fall over for my kids. The other side of the family barely acknowledge them (another story entirely!) But honestly, her expectations are OTT. She should at least include you and involve you and be kind if she wants you there. We also had open bar for adults and food for them (not suggesting all shoukd do this though). BUT there are some things she could do to accommodate guests if she's desperate for you to come.

Would love an open bar!! But no, nothing like that. It is all about the children and nothing else. We should just be happy to be there and that's it.

This. The kids won’t care you are not there - just get them nice presents. Ignore your SIL, she’s a cow

Just tell them you are not going, but give no reasons why not, so they can not challenge you on it.

The reasons you choose not to have children is yours and your partners' choice and has nothing to do with anyone else.

You do not have to justify your self to them.