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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible nasty friend

129 replies

friendorfoe22 · 02/01/2023 14:49

Names changed for this one.

I have a friend who is constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY rude about my life choices. It all started when I moved out with OH. Said the area I live in is boring, frequently mentions that she would buy a new build as they are badly built, my decor choice is horrible and just endless endless digs. She's a very bitter and jealous person, never praises or encourages anyone always puts people down. Constantly talks about herself, how she wants to travel the world, how much she gets paid at work and how her job is better than anyone. Also the other day, we went for a drink and all of a sudden she said any man whose name starts with D is toxic. Then she said her ex's name (Daniel) so it went 'all men who start with D are always so toxic even my ex Daniel, Doug, and the name David is the worst (David is my OH's name!) and I sat there and was like are you fucking joking? She clearly knew what she was doing and I said to her what's your problem and she said what? Everyone with those names are toxic and I was just disgusted. This is just a very small part of what she is like on a daily basis. How do I tell her to go fuck herself?

OP posts:
grayhairdontcare · 02/01/2023 17:29

This is not friendship

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 02/01/2023 17:34

I’m honestly more baffled by your behaviour OP, than your friend’s.

You’ve been putting up with a bully for no discernible reason and now you need to be told to just let the friendship go and ignore this woman/block her on everything?

After you’ve done that, get yourself some therapy and work on your self-esteem.

Ladybug14 · 02/01/2023 17:36

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 02/01/2023 17:34

I’m honestly more baffled by your behaviour OP, than your friend’s.

You’ve been putting up with a bully for no discernible reason and now you need to be told to just let the friendship go and ignore this woman/block her on everything?

After you’ve done that, get yourself some therapy and work on your self-esteem.

This^

Your friend is not a friend. Just don't interact with her ever again

stopthebarking · 02/01/2023 17:37

Tbh, I'd just gradually stop engaging with her. You're busy, you don't feel like doing whatever she suggests, you have other plans, you simply don't want to, etc.

I wouldn't bother having a big discussion with her about why you're no longer interested in spending time with her or talking to her. It's not as though she's an actual friend who is going through a hard time and needs pulling up on her behaviour. This is simply who she is, and she's not someone you want to waste time or energy on.

PortiasBiscuit · 02/01/2023 17:38

Not come across this definition of the word “friend” before..,

JoonT · 02/01/2023 17:39

PinkFrogss · 02/01/2023 14:53

Just ghost her

I agree.

If I had to list my ten tips for happiness, one of them would be "cut toxic people out of your life". It can take time to see through them, since a*holes have usually spent a lifetime manipulating others. Indeed, they have probably been doing it since primary school. They have learnt to hide their narcissism or venom or jealousy, etc, and not to push people too far. It's amazing to watch them. It's like they've perfected or honed their technique. But once you've seen through them, run. And never, never give a toxic person a second chance. If life has taught me one lesson, it's that horrible people don't change.

NotTheRightFit · 02/01/2023 17:42

She sounds very insecure and is obviously putting you down to give herself a boost.
I wouldn't take it personally, you've realised what she's like now so just spend time with other people and you really don't owe her an explanation, she'll know.

gamerchick · 02/01/2023 17:44

Well you're the one putting up with it.

Go with the 'nobody is nasty about my bloke line, fuck off' and be done with it.

OooScotland · 02/01/2023 17:51

Next time she she makes contact just say ‘I don’t want to see you any more, I don’t like you.’

Because its the truth, and she can’t argue. Job done.

How do I know? Someone who I thought of as a ‘work friend’ once said almost exactly that to me when I suggested getting a coffee. Stung at the time, but it was quick and effective.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/01/2023 17:57

Why didn't you get up and walk aaway? Dont meet her again, tell her that her constant nasty comments are not something you want in your life.

PutOnAHappyFace · 02/01/2023 17:59

I had a friend like this once that I just couldn't see how awful she treated me. She had to have the better life/marriage/kids than me. Never looked back. My DH used to say it was awful to sit back and watch it happened because I just couldn't see it.

Hopefully you have nicer people in your life OP, you don't deserve the nastiness.

OooScotland · 02/01/2023 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🫣😌

ilovesooty · 02/01/2023 18:10

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/01/2023 14:55

"I find your nastiness hard to put up with and your chat is boring. Sorry, but I don't want to hang out anymore."

Sounds fair enough.

LadyEloise1 · 02/01/2023 18:20

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/01/2023 14:55

"I find your nastiness hard to put up with and your chat is boring. Sorry, but I don't want to hang out anymore."

I agree.
I walked away ( literally ) from someone similar as she commented nastily once again about one of my dc - her ds was the same age, muttering that I wasn't going to put up with her shit nastiness anymore.

I haven't seen her since but have heard that her home life was awful.

Original poster
friendorfoe22 · 02/01/2023 18:28

Hi ladies. Sorry for the lack of response. The reason we are 'friends' is because we are all in a group together which I obviously introduced. Difficult to just get rid. I purposely avoid her at all costs. I have said my piece to her in the past but she's defensive. I've actually somehow managed to tolerate her longer than I would a normal Jane Doe. She's an utter bitch. Starting to lose my patience but I make it obvious I can't stand her.

OP posts:
NotTheRightFit · 02/01/2023 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why the ableist quote?

harrassedmumto3 · 02/01/2023 18:29

A therapist would have a field day with her! Sounds like there is a lot to unpick ...
Anyway, it sounds like she has the maturity levels of a 14 year old, and you are best off out of it.

toocold54 · 02/01/2023 18:30

Obviously you’re not going to tell her to go fuck herself if you don’t usually stick up for yourself when she’s saying these things.

So although posters mean well I don’t think this advice is good for you personally.

So I would just start by distancing yourself.

Don’t text her and if she texts you then take much longer to reply and have shorter messages, so there’s less chance of a conversation.

If she asks to meet up just say you can’t as you are busy that day.

I’m guessing that you usually go out of your way for her and if she says let’s meet for a drink you’ll do it.
But the more you tell her no, the more confident you will feel until eventually you will be able to tell her to fuck off once and for all.

category12 · 02/01/2023 18:30

friendorfoe22 · 02/01/2023 18:28

Hi ladies. Sorry for the lack of response. The reason we are 'friends' is because we are all in a group together which I obviously introduced. Difficult to just get rid. I purposely avoid her at all costs. I have said my piece to her in the past but she's defensive. I've actually somehow managed to tolerate her longer than I would a normal Jane Doe. She's an utter bitch. Starting to lose my patience but I make it obvious I can't stand her.

Well if you make it obvious you can't stand her, then it's hardly surprising she continues to snipe. You're frenemies!

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2023 18:47

She's an utter bitch. Starting to lose my patience but I make it obvious I can't stand her.

Now you're sounding as unpleasant as she is.

Greatly · 02/01/2023 18:52

OP best move on - you sound deranged

Englishash · 02/01/2023 19:04

It’s easy! Open your mouth and let the words out ! Job done.

LetsDoThis2023 · 02/01/2023 19:19

friendorfoe22 · 02/01/2023 18:28

Hi ladies. Sorry for the lack of response. The reason we are 'friends' is because we are all in a group together which I obviously introduced. Difficult to just get rid. I purposely avoid her at all costs. I have said my piece to her in the past but she's defensive. I've actually somehow managed to tolerate her longer than I would a normal Jane Doe. She's an utter bitch. Starting to lose my patience but I make it obvious I can't stand her.

Well you all sound charming.

BusyMum47 · 02/01/2023 22:56

@friendorfoe22

How do you tell her to go fuck herself?? Uh...you just TELL her to go fuck herself!! Ditch her! SHE'S the toxic one! Why are you still friends with her at all??

SpringIntoChaos · 02/01/2023 23:00

Have you ever googled the definition of 'friend' OP?

You clearly don't understand what it means 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️