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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from ex..

113 replies

tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:11

I am struggling with the cost of living and have the opportunity to move an hour and forty minutes away from my current location. I live in an expensive area and work full time, plus work in the evenings freelance to pay bills/survive. I have an opportunity to rent a much, much cheaper property from family. Which would mean I could work part time and spend more time with my daughter and be better off financially.

At the moment I pay nearly £2k for nursery, rent, bills, food etc! I get £350 from my ex. I am only entitled to tax free childcare and am a middle earner, so once I have paid all bills I am left with very little and some months go into debt.

I have decided that the move would be the most sensible decision. My ex only sees our LG at the weekends (or when he has holidays) and occasionally pops round in the week, but this is the exception rather than the rule. I have mentioned the idea before and the first time he was really reasonable and the second time he said 'you can't just move, I have rights too.' Having done some research, I'm worried he would get a prohibitive steps order and have read it's better to move without telling him (though this makes me feel really uncomfortable)!

I do the majority of childcare, pay for all nursery costs and take my daughter to all doctors appointments. I would also meet him half way for pick ups and drops off and would encourage him to have her for whole weekends if I moved (we currently share weekends as we both work full time)! Has anyone got experience of moving away or the legalities? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 22:16

My DH lives a similar distance away from his ex - I would say do the whole journey with just one of you. Preferably the one they are about to spend time with picks up. Otherwise the kids have to swap in a car park or something depressing.

Can you add up how many overnights he has looked after his child and work out how to fit that into an every other weekend + holidays arrangement?

XJerseyGirlX · 01/01/2023 22:16

I did this and it worked well. Ex took me to court to try and stop me but the magistrate said himself he can't make someone stay in a place where they are struggling. I am ordered to take my dc ( two hours away ) to ex's every two weeks and meet him half way to pick dc up. Good luck x

IDontCareMatthew · 01/01/2023 22:17

Sounds like he may have taken legal advice between the 2 conversations

So would be on record should you just up and move without discussing it again

Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:18

@XJerseyGirlX thanks for the reply. I have read that if they file a prohibitive steps order you're not allowed to move until it goes to court and was planning on handing in my notice in Feb! Did you move anyway before it went to court?

OP posts:
Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:20

@midnightfirework I did think about this. I would be happy to drive my LG to his on a Friday night and then meet him with her half way on a Sunday afternoon. I'd also like him to see her most weekends, so would be happy to do the whole journey once a week for him to be able to see her (if that makes sense) though I couldn't do it both ways.

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Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:22

@IDontCareMatthew this is a good point! Thank you. I really don't want to be underhand at all, but have read things are taking over six months to go to court as there is such a backlog. My ex also has very little money, which is why I think he's never taken me to court or wanted 50/50 as he can't afford half of £1700 a month on childcare.

OP posts:
midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 22:23

I think general consensus is if you move you do the travel. And he could claim a variation in CMS if he has to.

Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:25

@midnightfirework that's interesting to know! Though I'd technically be saving over £2k a month if I moved so I wouldn't mind so much. Thank you for your input really helpful

OP posts:
midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 22:27

tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:25

@midnightfirework that's interesting to know! Though I'd technically be saving over £2k a month if I moved so I wouldn't mind so much. Thank you for your input really helpful

Yes I don't think it's much but worth bearing in mind.

Depending on the age of your child every other weekend at dad's might be best? Otherwise you don't get a weekend with her?

DelphiniumBlue · 01/01/2023 22:27

I'd just tell him you can't afford to stay where you are what with the rent and full responsibility for nursery fees. Would you stay if he were to up his maintenance?
It doesn't seem fair to me that he should dictate where you live, necessitating you having to get a second job, whilst not contributing to childcare costs.
And no, I wouldn't be offering to do more than half the pick ups.

Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:34

@midnightfirework he moved out when LG was ten months (last year) he moved 30/40 minutes away and I wouldn't let him have her in the week as I felt it was too far for her to go in the morning and evening to nursery. We now have a flexible arrangement where we share weekends, but sometimes he has her for two nights and sometimes, if he has taken on more work, he may only see her for one day. He hates that I 'control' when he sees his daughter, but I have put boundaries in place to make things as stable as possible for her at such a young age. She is now two, and I agree that every other weekend would work best but I think he would not like seeing her every fortnight!

OP posts:
Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:35

@DelphiniumBlue someone else I spoke to said this. If he wants you to stay in an expensive area (which it is) is he going to subsidise your living costs. The answer is, no, he can't afford to pay in anymore than £300 a month

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 01/01/2023 22:37

How would you facilitate him seeing her mid week? Baring in mind she won't finish school until 3ish.

Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:38

@Bigbadfish she isn't school age and he doesn't see her midweek. He does occasionally pop round if he hasn't seen her at the weekend.

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 01/01/2023 22:42

tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:38

@Bigbadfish she isn't school age and he doesn't see her midweek. He does occasionally pop round if he hasn't seen her at the weekend.

I'm assuming you don't plan to move back in the next few years? And she will continue to age?

And a court wouldn't be thrilled at a proposal of every other weekend.
So if you were to go to court it would be on you to show how you would maintain the realtionship going forward.

This would inculde some form of mid week contact.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/01/2023 22:44

If you set the precedent of him having her every weekend then he could argue you changing that when she goes to school.

I have a friend who gave her ex 3 weekends out of 4 and her doing all the drop offs and pick ups to persuade him to let her move 2 hours away. When the child started school he insisted it was kept to and the court agreed on the status quo when she tried to change it.

She’s only 2 now but she’ll be 4 before you know it!

Fireflygal · 01/01/2023 22:44

A court could take a dim view of you moving without consulting him.

He could apply for a court order to have regular contact which would make a move difficult or even residency of his daughter.

Outline a proposal for moving, give him options to discuss what works for him and also when you propose moving. If he mentions court suggest mediation.

Some mothers have had to return or risk residency of child being transferred as a judge could view you as acting unilaterally.
An emergency pos could have you in court quickly

Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:51

@Bigbadfish why wouldn't the court be thrilled at every other weekend? Also, just out of interest, do you think it's in the best interests of a child to have a mother working two jobs, getting into debt and stressed or a mother who will have more money and time to spend with their child?

Out of interest, what is your opinion on a father who can't step up financially to pay for half childcare costs for his daughter, even though he also works full time? Or a father who has never taken time off work to look after his Ill daughter?

As my original post states I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father, but I can't be expected to work two jobs and go into debt to appease a man who isn't providing his fair share!

OP posts:
Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:52

@Fireflygal thanks this is all really helpful information.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:53

@YetMoreNewBeginnings thanks for pointing this out. I didn't think of this

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 01/01/2023 23:02

tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 22:51

@Bigbadfish why wouldn't the court be thrilled at every other weekend? Also, just out of interest, do you think it's in the best interests of a child to have a mother working two jobs, getting into debt and stressed or a mother who will have more money and time to spend with their child?

Out of interest, what is your opinion on a father who can't step up financially to pay for half childcare costs for his daughter, even though he also works full time? Or a father who has never taken time off work to look after his Ill daughter?

As my original post states I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father, but I can't be expected to work two jobs and go into debt to appease a man who isn't providing his fair share!

They tend to like more frequent contact.
50/50 Is even rising in popularity.

That is what you would have to put forward but it would not be seen as the NRPs responsibility to fund care on the RPs time.
Maybe a shared care order would work better for you so he can then take the burden.

But do prepare yourself.
I have seen someone have a PSO granted even with the financial difficulties listed and the point made was that it did not preserve the NRP and child relationship.

You need to really push child focused and leave you out of it.

Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 23:07

@Bigbadfish not sure how I'm not being child focused? A child needs stability, money and a secure home. My ex also see her at the weekends and nothing would change, the only thing that would change is the distance between our homes.

Out of Interest are you a lawyer? Do you work in the family courts? Where have you seen the account of someone not been granted to move less than two hours away because it would benefit them financially and stop them getting into debt?

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Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 23:09

@Bigbadfish and why a shared care order? He still won't be able to afford half the nursery costs? His job is unpredictable and he works around the country and long hours. On the few occasions he has meant to be pick her up from nursery he has asked me to pick her up as he is running over an hour late.

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Bigbadfish · 01/01/2023 23:13

Child focused would also include the rights of the child to have a meaningful realtionship with both parents. Your current proposal does not future proof and also involves less access.

Your finances could be an argument but you would be better to plan ahead for how you will assist in travel. Also he will likely get 50/50 holidays so you could enter that as an argument to increase time over the academic year.

Original poster
tinseltoes1982 · 01/01/2023 23:18

@Bigbadfish all my proposals include meaningful relationship with both parents and would infact include her seeing him more (whole weekends instead of shared). If you read the other posts you will see where I have put I would drive to his some of the month and meet half way other times. Would love to hear your suggestions how ex can provide more for his daughter?

Not sure where I'm being unreasonable or trying to stop contact. As mentioned, are you a lawyer or do you work for family courts?

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