To move away from ex..

[tinseltoes1982]

I am struggling with the cost of living and have the opportunity to move an hour and forty minutes away from my current location. I live in an expensive area and work full time, plus work in the evenings freelance to pay bills/survive. I have an opportunity to rent a much, much cheaper property from family. Which would mean I could work part time and spend more time with my daughter and be better off financially.

At the moment I pay nearly £2k for nursery, rent, bills, food etc! I get £350 from my ex. I am only entitled to tax free childcare and am a middle earner, so once I have paid all bills I am left with very little and some months go into debt.

I have decided that the move would be the most sensible decision. My ex only sees our LG at the weekends (or when he has holidays) and occasionally pops round in the week, but this is the exception rather than the rule. I have mentioned the idea before and the first time he was really reasonable and the second time he said 'you can't just move, I have rights too.' Having done some research, I'm worried he would get a prohibitive steps order and have read it's better to move without telling him (though this makes me feel really uncomfortable)!

I do the majority of childcare, pay for all nursery costs and take my daughter to all doctors appointments. I would also meet him half way for pick ups and drops off and would encourage him to have her for whole weekends if I moved (we currently share weekends as we both work full time)! Has anyone got experience of moving away or the legalities? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

@GabriellaMontez 50/50 is always talked about on these type of threads. Whether or not it is asked for. It really is unnecessary. If my ex wanted 50/50 I'm not sure how he would afford it. He can barely afford the £300 a week, let alone the £800 of his share of childcare. Essentially my ex wants everything his way, without having to pay extra. I even paid for a car seat and pram for him to use.

I never want to stop him seeing his daughter. Sadly in these situations there is always going to be a slight element of 'unfairness' to one of the parties. If he was in a better position financially then we probably wouldn't be having this conversations. Appreciate you taking the time to reply, thank you.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast I totally get this, but I'm not sure it's a drastic step rather than a sensible step. I'm struggling to think what he's doing to ease the financial or day to day childcare burden off me? I also have to be flexible when he wants to see her if he has taken on extra work at the weekends.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast also thanks so much for commenting and appreciate you flagging these things to consider! Sorry if I sound defensive, I think it's how I naturally type (like resting bitch face for Mumsnet posts) but appreciate your advice x

I think it's fair enough for the important decisions to be made by the person bearing the adult responsibilities of cost, time and risk.

OP had to buy him a pram and a car seat! Is this guy a dad or an overgrown child?!

Not all DC take up a sport or other activity every weekend and in this case it would probably be best if they didn't. Neither parent is well off.

Do what's right for you and your child. If you have to move. Do it. He doesn't sound like he make the effort or any attempt in helping you more financially xx

No need to apologise - best of luck with whatever you decide!

My point isn’t that he would get 50/50, it’s that he would likely get more than every other weekend, given the preference for courts for the non resident parent to have greater level of access.

There’s no guarantees when it comes to outcome in family court. It can very much depend on the judge you have. What you consider to be best for you and your child may not be what the judge considers to be best, and you have to go in with your eyes open.

also, he has options even if he can’t afford a solicitor. He can represent himself, or be funded by sympathetic friends, family, or activist group. I used to work in this field, I’ve seen all three happen when the respondent hasn’t expected it.

An hour 40 isn't far in the grand scheme of things;the op is happy to facilitate contact according to his schedule like she already does.

If it was 3 hours away then maybe;even if he went to court a judge would probably be reasonable and look at the little girls current quality of life with a single mum working two jobs to put a roof over her head and having to go to nursery full time or a having a mum who around more,doesn't have to go to nursery every day and still has weekend contact with dad.

Would you be happy if your kids were moved 1h 40 away from you?

An hour 40 isn't far in the grand scheme of things;the op is happy to facilitate contact according to his schedule like she already does.

It is quite a distance - that's a three hour round trip - realistically probably more once you factor in traffic on a Friday night. I certainly wouldn't want to be doing a journey like that EOW.

He could pay half the cost of housing and childcare for his dd if he wants OP to stay.

Would you be happy if your kids were moved 1h 40 away from you?

would you be happy being the only adult responsible for your child, paying for everything, having to work more than one job to make ends meet? Can you comprehend the toll that has on a person, both mentally and physically? This is a situation where the other parent is healthy and capable, but sees you as their back up, rather than acting responsibly and making arrangements to fairly manage the care of your joint child. We’re not talking about a co-parent with a disability or who is long-term unwell and is unable to manage the demands of parenting alone. We’re talking about someone who is taking the easy option and who isn’t making any adjustments to their life to help care for their children.

There are consequences when you opt out. Short, medium and long term. You either adjust and become better at the nuts and bolts of parenting or take the option many, many men take which is moan on social media about how their precious princess has been taken away.

This is it in a nutshell. He could step up to the plate if he is so keen on stopping the OP from having a reasonable life.

Out of curiosity OP is your ex-boyfriend's name on the birth certificate and does your child have your name or, untraditionally, his name?

@Needtoseethatbiggerpicture thanks for your supportive comments. I have always put my daughter first, my ex hasn't. He expects me to be flexible when he wants to work at weekends, and to get into debt to make it easier for him. Essentially the distance is not too far, especially if I'm planning to drive to him or meet half way. He offered to take my child one night midweek (but refused to pay childcare on that day, even though it's his responsibility). Logistically it would have been a nightmare to me and my daughter and created more stress. I'm not sure what else some of the posters would like me to do? Perhaps give him all my earnings too. The more I look at it logically, I am being fair and reasonable and perhaps he should be willing to be a bit more flexible! I'm sure some of these posters would clap with glee if I wrote a follow up post saying I've had a nervous breakdown and gone bankrupt, but my ex still gets an easy commute!

And also I find the people who comment about father's rights always bang on about contact but never seem to want to extend those same rights when it comes to paying equal amounts of money, taking the mental load when it comes to illness/sleepless nights/birthday parties etc etc.

OP I sent you a PM with a suggestion that worked for someone and got through the Courts. It works long term. I think you can sort it out amicably though.

Unfortunately childcare is your responsibility due to your contact pattern.

Good luck.

It's a three hour round trip for the parent but not for the child.

Also for those of us who live in London including children, one way isn't a long commute.

As OP is the one who'll be moving, she'll probably be expected to do a fair chunk of the driving - personally I wouldn't want to sign up for years of that - for me or my child. It's not exactly a small commitment.

1h45 is a long journey when you have no choice but to do it twice in two years, EOW for a good number of years. It's a big tie and will potentially cause a lot of problems further down the line.

Personally, I’m not banging on about father’s rights, I haven’t given my opinion as to them at all. I’m sharing what I’ve seen happen in my previous career in family law.

It’s not about your sense of unfairness, it’s about the child’s rights. What you think better serves those may be different to what the court believes. I’m not telling you this to dishearten you or put you off, I’m telling you this because it’s better to know it than not.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast the driving sounds much more pleasant than my current schedule to be fair 😂

Long time ago now, 7 years but I went through this with my ex for wanting to move 2.5hrs away. Not sure if it’s changed a lot since then but every other weekend was suggested a the best option otherwise I would miss out on weekends. My reason for moving were financial and family support. My solicitor said it was a bit extreme to take it to court as I was being so accommodating, offering to do drop offs, face time, messages, had already set out a number of weeks in holidays and such. He refused to engage with me in talking about those and just went straight to the legal route, I got the sense that went massively against him. I wouldn’t move without talking to him because as I’ve said I think having a clear plan worked in my favour. But obviously you want to convince him this is in your daughters best interests before you have to convince a court, it would be much easier!

@Dinodelight thank you for this message. This is all exactly what I plan to lay out. Do you mind if I send a PM?

@whumpthereitis I understand it's what's in the best interest of the child.
As you've worked in the family court, if the judge forced me to stay where I am, who would pay my rent? Would he insist I carry on working two jobs? What if I get made redundant? Would he expect me to stay in the very expensive area I currently live? All genuine questions. My ex can't afford to have my daughter full time as he wouldn't be able to pay the childcare costs. And would a judge really take a young child away from its mother because she the cost of living crisis is affecting her massively? Nothing I am proposing is unreasonable or unfair, so struggling to think from a legal point of view on what grounds I would be refused to move. And in your experience have you seen anyone be denied moving less than two hours away, when they are encouraging contact and happy to do a lot of the driving?

If he's not happy then he needs to step up as an equal parent and stop expecting his ex to pay the lion's share.

He can also do what other fathers I know who want to be more hands on do - move house to be nearer them himself.