To move away from ex..

[tinseltoes1982]

I am struggling with the cost of living and have the opportunity to move an hour and forty minutes away from my current location. I live in an expensive area and work full time, plus work in the evenings freelance to pay bills/survive. I have an opportunity to rent a much, much cheaper property from family. Which would mean I could work part time and spend more time with my daughter and be better off financially.

At the moment I pay nearly £2k for nursery, rent, bills, food etc! I get £350 from my ex. I am only entitled to tax free childcare and am a middle earner, so once I have paid all bills I am left with very little and some months go into debt.

I have decided that the move would be the most sensible decision. My ex only sees our LG at the weekends (or when he has holidays) and occasionally pops round in the week, but this is the exception rather than the rule. I have mentioned the idea before and the first time he was really reasonable and the second time he said 'you can't just move, I have rights too.' Having done some research, I'm worried he would get a prohibitive steps order and have read it's better to move without telling him (though this makes me feel really uncomfortable)!

I do the majority of childcare, pay for all nursery costs and take my daughter to all doctors appointments. I would also meet him half way for pick ups and drops off and would encourage him to have her for whole weekends if I moved (we currently share weekends as we both work full time)! Has anyone got experience of moving away or the legalities? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I never said you're unreasonable and you need to start taking the emotion out of it. Because if he has gone the legal route you will be asked a lot harder questions than this.

Every other week would be seen as to long. So you'd need to come up with an answer for that.

@Bigbadfish not emotion. Just nothing I have proposed is unreasonable and you keep saying it is. Many, many people have EOW. I am not even proposing that I am proposing every weekend with some weekends being for the full weekend. Again, can I ask how you know so much?

No, I'm working on keeping my online life more private. Especially with MN history.

I would advise you see more advise from a solicitor or if finances are tight a
mckenzie friend

Hi OP, my background is the Family Court. If he's only seeing her every other weekend now I'm perplexed at why others think the mags would be unhappy with that continuing. You're offering an increase in contact as well and to do the bulk of transport plus talking under 2 hours. I've known children travel further for contact.

If it does go to Court you'd have to outline what you'd do to promote the relationship, face time, phone calls etc. If he does apply for Prohibited Steps it will be listed quicker than a standard Child Arrangement Order but the backlog is still quite significant.

Do you have an amicable relationship? Can you sit down with him and discuss? Potentially even go to mediation and come up with a plan?

He's seeing her every weekend @PumpkinDart and occasionally through the week. The OP wants to change that to every other weekend Friday night to Sunday afternoon.

OP - is that what you truly feel is best for their relationship?

@Bigbadfish is right, you need to work on looking at what is best for your daughter alone. Reacting with emotion and getting defensive and affronted won't help.

Hi @PumpkinDart thanks this is all really helpful. We don't have a court order in place, at the moment as we both work full time we share weekends (he has her either Friday or Saturday night and sometimes for the whole weekend). My ex partner is heavily in debt, so can only afford the CMS payments he needs to, which are £300. He also has a job which sees him going all over the country, which is why he would never be able to offer our daughter 50/50.

I'm not sure he would even take me to court, as I assume it costs?

All I want is a less financially strained and stressful life. I don't want my daughter to not see her father and would go out of my way to facilitate their relationship. I really appreciate your reply. Thank you so much. Do you mind me asking once a PSO has been applied for, does this mean I wouldn't be able to move until the court hearing?

@FleasNavidad I think you'll find in the earlier posts I've said I would like him to see her most weekends.

Yeah and then you said every other weekend is best. It's not if you want her to know her dad properly.

@FleasNavidad I replied to another poster who said EOW worked best and I agreed. I didn't say that is what I was going to do. Please read all posts.

I don’t think your proposal is unreasonable given your finances and the fact he only sees her at the weekends now. But it is sad dad and child don’t get to see each other during the week. Many children have to travel distances to get to school/nursary. At your daughters age it is recommended that a child does not spend more than a couple of days away from each parent.

@Mumuser124 can I ask who recommends this?

I have read all posts. They're very telling. You only want answers that suit your plans but if you intend to truly put your daughter first then you'd be best speaking with her Dad and making an arrangement that enables her to develop proper meaningful relationships with both of you.

If he's hard up too and works around the country would he move to be near you on your new cheaper location? I'd discuss it with him and see if you can reach an agreement, you can't just bugger off and let him find out after you have moved

Your plan might work for now. How is it going to work when your daughter has activities on the weekends? When she wants to attend a friends birthday party? What about if she decides to play a sport and has games every weekend for 12 weeks in a row? What if she needs to meet up with other kids from school to work on a project? What if she just wants to spend time with her friends? What if she has a part-time job?

children develop their own lives surprisingly soon.

You’re very defensive. People are only offering advice but you’ve very quickly getting snippy, and trying to defend yourself.

im not up on the legals, but I’d be devastated if my ex moved my kids away from me. I’d likely try legal routes, and it’d thoroughly fuck up tje co parenting relationship we had.

think long and hard before blowing things up.

@tinseltoes1982 not been in this exact situation but just wanted to say my ex took me to court and though it was stressful, all professionals were incredibly nice and fair. I represented myself as I couldn’t afford a solicitor (it really was fine) my ex had a Mackenzie friend (someone to support him-often volunteers). Myself and my children were seen by cafcass who were very supportive. So long as they can see you are trying to do what is best for the child, they are great. My ex took me to court to try and scare me. I made it quite clear I wanted my children to see their dad and to have a relationship with him. If it does go to court, just be honest with all the facts. Good luck x

But yes I think I’d sit him down and tell him you need to talk things through and your main priority is your daughter.

So he can’t take any weekday responsibilities for your DC because he works unpredictable long hours travelling all over the country. Maybe he needs to think about getting a different job, if despite all this he can’t afford to pay more than £300 pm for his DD.
Yet you, OP are being expected to get a second job whilst taking on the bulk of the childcare and financial burden.
Maybe he should consider moving to a cheaper area as well.

The best chance of father and daughter maintaining a close relationship through the teenage years and into adulthood, is if they live close by, so they can have frequent, short, and spontaneous contact, rather than set weekends and holidays, which will naturally dwindle.

I understand and sympathise with your motivation, but don’t minimise the consequences for them both. Acknowledge the downside, as well as the advantages, and then make your decision.

Thanks for all the replies. Some really good advice. Will discuss in detail with ex and hopefully come up with a plan. Whilst I will accommodate my daughter maintaining a regular relationship with her father, I cannot to afford to get further and further into debt to facilitate this. As others have suggested, he could also look to move and change jobs too.

Totally agree @HeddaGarbled thanks for your measured reply. I really want them to have a relationship but my current situation is not sustainable.

I think some pp being very unfair to you, OP. Ultimately financial constraints affect our life choices and a co-parent's convenience doesn't override that. It may be better for his relationship with his daughter if you're closer, but it may be necessary for him to bear at least some of the cost to make that doable.

@GaryLurcher19 thanks so much for your comment! I should have known from previous experience that there are always a few that believe a mother who does 90% of the childcare and mental load, pays for the majority of costs should still go out of the way to accommodate the father, who expects me to flexible when it suits him and then is controlling if he doesn't get his own way. Reading back I'm being perfectly fair and accommodating, but I can't financially afford to be here anymore and if he won't provide more financial support there is nothing else I can do.

Definitely move without telling him.

Another thought is that you could meet him half way midweek sometimes giving them 2-3 hours to eat, do an activity etc if there's a suitable location. My friend has become an expert at entertaining herself at her half way point on the midweek contact day. None ideal but you have to make it work. You can also offer to facilitate her to FaceTime regularly.

Whilst he is obviously interfering with your plans a bit, take heart that he actually wants to see his daughter!