To move away from ex..

[tinseltoes1982]

I am struggling with the cost of living and have the opportunity to move an hour and forty minutes away from my current location. I live in an expensive area and work full time, plus work in the evenings freelance to pay bills/survive. I have an opportunity to rent a much, much cheaper property from family. Which would mean I could work part time and spend more time with my daughter and be better off financially.

At the moment I pay nearly £2k for nursery, rent, bills, food etc! I get £350 from my ex. I am only entitled to tax free childcare and am a middle earner, so once I have paid all bills I am left with very little and some months go into debt.

I have decided that the move would be the most sensible decision. My ex only sees our LG at the weekends (or when he has holidays) and occasionally pops round in the week, but this is the exception rather than the rule. I have mentioned the idea before and the first time he was really reasonable and the second time he said 'you can't just move, I have rights too.' Having done some research, I'm worried he would get a prohibitive steps order and have read it's better to move without telling him (though this makes me feel really uncomfortable)!

I do the majority of childcare, pay for all nursery costs and take my daughter to all doctors appointments. I would also meet him half way for pick ups and drops off and would encourage him to have her for whole weekends if I moved (we currently share weekends as we both work full time)! Has anyone got experience of moving away or the legalities? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Not read full thread, but you're at an expensive point of bringing up children with full nursery fees. That'll not be for much longer. Would you still be asking the questions if you didn't have childcare to pay? Looking ahead, that much travel and your proposed access arrangements will really cut into your future family life, especially if you have more children. If you stay put you'll eventually pay less childcare, and have options for more flexible arrangements that enable her to be close to both parents. Just a thought.

Yes, I have seen a prohibited steps order be granted to prevent a parent moving their children under two hours away. I have also seen mothers lose primary residency of children as a result of moving children without the consent of the fathers. Conversely, I have also seen such moves be approved by a judge.

Specific issues (for example, whether there was the option of accessing cheaper housing in the same area, or in an area closer than one hour plus away) would have to be considered by the judge.

This dad doesn't want primary care. He has to ask the op to do his nursery pickup because he's late... she bought the car seat and pram. It doesn't sound similar.

Op

Why can't he afford to pay more than £300? Even though he's working and travelling. Does he have other children? Expensive habits? Still training?

@GabriellaMontez large amounts of debt! When I say he travels for work, I mean around the U.K.

Sorry I’ve been out for the afternoon, but yes pm if you still have questions!

Oh ffs... he can't even buy a car seat or pay a decent contribution to childcare because of his debt. And when will he be able to step up? In a year? 5 years ? Never?

I didn’t say this one did.

OP asked whether I had seen such things happen though, and I have.

I do not know the intricacies of OP’s situation, his perspective versus hers, or his wants versus hers. I don’t know what a judge would decide in this particular case. My point is that OP needs legal advice, and it’s better for her to be aware that it may not go in her favor, rather than assume it will.

It would be far less helpful for people to bang on about equal spending, fairness and mental load because that’s not what the court will look at if your ex goes for a PSO.

Its shit, but it’s far better to get realistic advice so that you don’t make a plan and then have it fucked over because the advice you got was all ideal world rather than real world.

OP I commented earlier but just wanted to say as a single/lone parent just do it.

Longer term you are going to have to work things out as your kid starts weekend activities or kids parties etc but honestly you are carrying the burden, it's too much.

Just be sure the place you are moving to is the right answer. Offer to do the travel EOW, FaceTime etc

I moved for similar reasons (out of London and into Oxfordshire) when my DD was 2. She is now 13 and it was the best decision.

@jeaux90 thank you so much. I'm not sure a lot of people appreciate the mental load and stress on a single parent, who takes on the majority of the financial and care stress. The place would be wonderful and would mean I would get to spend more quality time with my daughter during the week and the weekends would be spent with her dad. At the moment he likes the convenience and he can pick and choose when he sees her and still have half his weekend child free. He said he saw the benefits of me moving away but is not happy about it and could stop me if he wanted to.

Of course he likes the convenience, he doesn't have the financial or emotional burdens you do.

Just do it. I'm a lone parent so I don't have to negotiate with anyone but there is absolutely no way I would stay somewhere that is financially crippling me. You need to be able to afford swimming lessons, school trips etc as they get older. You are doing the right thing.

But will you still feel that way in 2-3 years when it's taking over your weekends, your child is missing out on things and you potentially have a partner in your new area that you can never see?

I totally get the financial impact of staying where you are but I think you're underestimating the impact of all that travel, especially when you have a school age child and potentially another partner/DC to consider?