To move away from ex..

[tinseltoes1982]

I am struggling with the cost of living and have the opportunity to move an hour and forty minutes away from my current location. I live in an expensive area and work full time, plus work in the evenings freelance to pay bills/survive. I have an opportunity to rent a much, much cheaper property from family. Which would mean I could work part time and spend more time with my daughter and be better off financially.

At the moment I pay nearly £2k for nursery, rent, bills, food etc! I get £350 from my ex. I am only entitled to tax free childcare and am a middle earner, so once I have paid all bills I am left with very little and some months go into debt.

I have decided that the move would be the most sensible decision. My ex only sees our LG at the weekends (or when he has holidays) and occasionally pops round in the week, but this is the exception rather than the rule. I have mentioned the idea before and the first time he was really reasonable and the second time he said 'you can't just move, I have rights too.' Having done some research, I'm worried he would get a prohibitive steps order and have read it's better to move without telling him (though this makes me feel really uncomfortable)!

I do the majority of childcare, pay for all nursery costs and take my daughter to all doctors appointments. I would also meet him half way for pick ups and drops off and would encourage him to have her for whole weekends if I moved (we currently share weekends as we both work full time)! Has anyone got experience of moving away or the legalities? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

@gogohmm thank you for your reply. I'm not sure I could move without telling him. I have also broached the subject before and he went from 'you have to do with you need to do' to being really angry about it.

I do try and see things from his point of view, and would happily facilitate a midweek meeting if it didn't interfere with my work or his. However, he choose to move 40 mins away when he first moved out. Such a tough one, am going to speak to a solicitor and then talk to him in a few weeks.

Bear in mind it’s not based on what you consider to be reasonable or unreasonable, it’s what the judge does. Your expectations as to what is fair for you to suck up can be quite different to theirs.

Courts increasingly look for 50/50 to be the ideal. Every other weekend is unlikely to be considered good enough, unless of course your ex agrees with it. Do not move without telling him, that wouldn’t work in your favour.

@whumpthereitis but my ex does not want 50/50. Also, I hear the judges increasingly give 50/50 statement used on here, but when I spoke to a solicitor when we first split they disagreed and said it is rarely offered to parents of very young children.

Ultimately, he sees her eow now and you propose continuing this. He can’t have her 50/50 due to his job.

Were I in your position, I’d do the same.

@Cherrysoup he sees her
Most weekends and I'd like to continue that but would suggest full weekend every other weekend and one night every other weekend, if that makes sense x

Is all that travelling fair on your daughter?

@whataboutsecondbreakfast I have friends in two parent families that travel the length and breadth of the country to see friends and family
Every other weekend. I'm not concerned about the travel Time as she will have stability Mon-Friday.

For context, I moved some 4 hours away following a very bitter struggle through court with my ex but it was over 10 years ago now. He did move too in the end. Our CAFCASS report was very much focused on the financial side of things - our move was South East to the North East, and mentioned the unmentionable - child maintenance (or lack of).

Also, just out of interest, do you think it's in the best interests of a child to have a mother working two jobs, getting into debt and stressed or a mother who will have more money and time to spend with their child?

There is much made of being ‘child centred’ when it comes to the courts and you absolutely need to focus on the benefits to your child, not you. It just takes a bit of rethinking. Your child will benefit from a stable home, your child will benefit from improved finances, from having a full time parent focused on her, not work etc etc.

His job is unpredictable and he works around the country and long hours. On the few occasions he has meant to be pick her up from nursery he has asked me to pick her up as he is running over an hour late

this is helpful - her other parent has made no adjustments to his working pattern to be able to ensure he can parent appropriately and regularly. Many single parents have to make adjustments - including moving to where the work is, or for cheaper housing, or changing jobs when shift patterns are incompatible with available childcare. You are bearing the brunt of parenting and it’s reasonable adjustments are made - like moving - for the sake of your child.

I'm not sure he would even take me to court, as I assume it costs?

It costs to use a solicitor and barrister in court, yes. But the experts say there isn’t actually a lot of law involved in child access arrangements and plenty of people go through the family courts without legal support. Don’t assume he won’t use the courts to try and get whatever it is he wants.

You don’t say what you do for work. Will it be easy to find work in the new location? Eg. Are you a teacher, nurse, accountant….do you work in a job where there is an obvious demand for your skills? If you’re specialism is such that you are moving away from the one organisation in the country where you can work, it makes things more difficult.

is the area you are moving to comparable to where you are now in terms of schools? Would you be moving within catchment of a school that is rated ‘good’ or better? Is it a downgrade on your current catchment?

How will family support you? What difference will that make to your child’s life?

Thanks for your comment. I do get your point but the move would offer my daughter more stability and longer periods with her father.

I’m saving for a move myself, which will put me and my son much further away from my ex- also for the same reasons, I simply can’t afford to live here, and I have no family here.

My ex flip flopped between being supportive and threatening to take me to court (which, while I understand the emotional turmoil he was going through, does nothing with the actual issue of I Cannot Afford To Live Here). I called citizens advice to ask what the pathway was if he DID try and block me moving. I was told he’d need to prove that I didn’t have a support network where I was moving to and that I was moving to alienate him from our son/that I wasn’t willing to help him maintain the relationship.

Right now my ex is back to understanding, but I’m aware that up until I move he could change his mind again. Overall it’s best if you can get him to understand why you need to move, and avoid court if possible- but calling Citizens Advice and being prepared for the worst outcome made me feel more confident in my decision.

I would want to do the same in your shoes. I'd just be thinking ahead though, when she is school age. Do you really only ever want to see her midweek and not any of the fun family time at weekends? I wouldn't like never having my kids at the weekend for this reason. Every other weekend and sometimes midweek on the opposite week would be fairer. But is that possible with distance....probably not! You shouldn't have to keep struggling though to accommodate the ex.

My DSDs mum did this and it was really hard on DSD and us plus her mum no longer had the flexibility from us that she previously had which she wasn’t expecting. It was okish when DSD was in primary school but as a teen it’s been difficult for her as she then missed out on stuff with her friends when she came to us and she resented her mum for that move.
However in your shoes I can see the benefits for you and your DD in the move; I would think about how it will work out long term. Ideally your ex would contribute more to help manage until you get 30 hours childcare at least

Is all that travelling fair on your daughter?

Probably not.

Is it fair that the OP is doing all the grunt work of parenting? Is her ex suggesting he wants to take on some of the burden - both practically and financially? Or is he doing what he’s always done and expecting his ex to pick up their child when he can’t? Is it fair that childcare costs £1.7k a month and the ex is contributing only £300 to cover everything? That’s £1.7k the OP is shelling out before she’s made any actual money to house, feed and clothe a child who has 2 parents. The current climate is tough for families, but doubly tough for those of us in one-income households - I work 3 jobs whilst my ex makes no contribution whatsoever. It seems utterly unreasonable that he can have ‘rights’ when it comes to seeing his children regularly but the courts, society, the Government can’t get a penny out of him and expect me to work those 3 jobs to cover our costs! I don’t see him working around childcare or school holidays.

It is absolutely right that children are not removed from one of their parents lives for spurious reasons. But there needs to be some recognition that one parent cannot do everything alone without some reasonable adjustments to life management.

I've been through this personally and have some professional experience in the area.

EOW is still the default in the circumstances you describe, particularly with young children. I think you are being more than reasonable and I'd imagine the family court would say the same.

Just get your paperwork evidence ready in case he makes a last minute application. Financial, proof that you are paying for everything, any texts where you've offered additional time and hes refused together with any evidence he initially moved away. Perhaps if you've sought any help medical/counselling/debt management to evidence you have tried to balance things.

Longer term I would suggest you apply for a CAO so you both know where you stand. You don't need a solicitor, its trotted out by feckless fathers who cba. He won't push for 50/50 if he isn't paying his fair share now.

You are being child focused. There is a particular kind of misogyny that often raises its head on these type of posts where the onus is placed on the mother entirely. Best ignored.

I know a couple of women who successfully fought PSO and moved to the other end of the country. Its about what is best for the child and mum having a breakdown/losing their home whilst trying to spin all the plates really isnt it.

Good luck.

50/50 is only ever ordered if both parents agree. No I didn't move before the court case but that was only because I wasn't in a hurry. As long as you can help facilitate contact with the dad you will definitely be able to move xx

Just make arrangements to move.

It sounds like you already do everything and pay for most everything as it is.

He moved 40 minutes away and didn't consult you about it.

When he has his child is he caring for her 100% or leaving it to his mum or gf?

With him being gone so much, how much visitation has he actually take over the past 12 months?

He can make some more effort with this by moving closer to where you're planning to moving or finding a better paying job.

I can’t see a court giving him 50/50 when he doesn’t do that living close by.
Id keep good records from now on, especially how long he is seeing her.

If you went part time would that mean you would be able to facilitate another visit part way on a non visit week.

He doesn’t want 50/50 though does he. Why is op expected to get into debt and work 2 jobs to facilitate her ex! I’d move op and propose he has her more weekends (which, by the sounds of it he won’t want)

OP has admitted that the child's father asked for midweek contact but she has refused because she doesn't want the child travelling 40 minutes to/from nursery. So this isn't a case of a deadbeat dad refusing to step up. He wants more contact and OP has refused.

Personally, OP, I think you would be wise to negotiate with your ex. Given that he wants more contact at the moment but you've said no, I can't see him being happy if you unilaterally relocate your child almost 2 hours away and he ends up with less frequent contact. If he goes to court and wins, and you've already moved, you may be ordered to move (technically, move your child) back to where you live now - do you really want to risk that?

Can I come at this a bit differently as I'm a lone parent.

I think what you suggest is absolutely reasonable. You are probably doing the right thing.

However, as she gets older she may start sports, or other extra hobbies that are meaningful in terms of skills, friends etc.

It will be really hard on her to leave most weekends and may well limit her ability to participate.

I'd just consider the long term and that if the above happens would you be willing to consider the nesting situation where he comes to stay at yours and you go stay at his?

You say you are being child centric but I think it feels easy when they are little, not so much when they get to 5 or 6 and start doing other activities. Swimming lessons, tennis, football etc

I would ignore every poster who has -'threatened' that a court would grant 50/50.

He doesn't do or pay 50/50 now. And clearly doesn't want to.

Perhaps he also needs to think about moving somewhere cheaper so he is able to support his daughter adequately. Why can't he do this? Why is it only you who has to do the thinking?

Maybe you should ask him how he suggests you avoid further debt (without moving) ? Ask if he'd like 50/50.

Yes it will be harder to have contact. It's not your responsibility to run yourself into the ground and debt to facilitate it. Its in not in your interest and certainly not in your daughters.

As she gets older she won't want to be away from her friends every single weekend, weekends are when the fun happens. That will need factoring in. I personally think he should move too, why should you have to stay in an expensive unaffordable area?

I don't think you can compare your situation to that of a two-parent family.

You also need to think about how EOW with such a distance will work in the long-run. Your DD will be starting school fairly soon - so what happens if she wants to do a weekend activity, or go to a party or playdate but it's her weekend to be with her dad?

Will you be happy to spend those weekends driving her around to facilitate contact while also paying for a weekly class she can't attend? Will she be happy to miss out on parties etc. to spend several
hours sitting in a car?

@whataboutsecondbreakfast really valid points but I'm not sure what the solution is. If I carry on getting myself into my debt she will have two parents who can't afford a house where she has her own bedroom (I rent a two bed place and my ex a small one bed place) and she certainly won't be able to go to do extra activities regularly, if we're both heavily in debt.

@tinseltoes1982 I just think you need to consider the full picture before you take such a drastic step.

What's doable with a nursery age child isn't necessarily doable with a child who's at school and old enough to voice their own opinions about what they want to do and how they spend their time!