To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

Pp is right. This isn’t love.

He does not love you. He is not your partner. He is a user. He can only take, and it is all he will ever do.

It’s painful but you have to face that fact.

Stop playing this game - it will destroy you.

He’s using you as a carer

you want to use him for housing yourself and your son

thst exchange isn’t working out

take up the offer of the accommodation and move on and build your own independent life

I have clocked you being awful to OPs. We clash. Let it go! Laugh

ok Op, I will bow out

but the image of you caring for him every day all year just doesn’t seem true to me given he works full time out of the home.

And you had a child so presumably that was your focus until recently

but hey Ho

By which I mean steel yourself. Do not listen to anything he says. He doesn’t get to draw you into this game ever again. Get your things out of his home and then block him.

Stay strong, stand firm.

You have all the resources within yourself to do this.

Maybe I've missed it but you say you earned 7K in 2 years and got into debt, was there any reason you couldn't have got a job during that time? Were you a full time carer for your DS?

Thank you.

Right now I truly feel like all those things.

I realise on some level that I've been treated appallingly but its hard to see him badly so the only option is it's me who's bad.

Did I get too angry after his cheating?

Should I have sucked it up? If I did wouldn't I have faded away as a human? What did he expect?

Am I wrong to have needs? He makes me feel like I am. Like if I can just be quiet and meet his that we'd have a fairytale life.

People are saying I'm in an abusive relationship. Am I? Why doesn't it feel like it?

I feel like I've tried my best to be a great partner and it wasn't good enough.

I feel not worth fidelity, respect, or compromise. I feel like if he thinks I'm not worth those things then it must be true.

I was proud as a Mum once. I put my son first. I worked my arse off to provide. He's autistic and he ended up with 3 A* and a place at an amazing uni.

And somehow I've let him down completely. I'm heartbroken he didn't get to come home to his own bedroom with his posters and belongings. Im heartbroken this was his Christmas.

And really its all my fault. Because DP says he loves me, but if you love people, you don't do the things he does. So I'm an idiot.

And now I feel I've lost everything. I know what my friend has offered is unbelievably kind. I know I can go cross country and start again.

I'm just so sad.

OP, this man will never be what you need. He will never love you in the way you deserve to be loved, he will never put you first and he will always put himself first. That's hard to realise after the years you have invested into this relationship. You will never get a return from your emotional investment so it's time to stop.

You said you would leave & packed up to do so but you didn't follow through. Your partner knows he can do whatever he likes & you will stay. It's time to break that pattern & actually leave. It will be difficult, disruptive & painful but ultimately you'll be investing in yourself. Getting away from this man & staying away from him will be liberating for you in a way you can't see right now.

You need to take action. Use all the support you have - family, friends, this thread. There's some great advice in here, please take the time to read it & decide what you need to do. Deep down you know what you need to do. Don't let him reel you back in.

Good luck OP - you can do this.

Op, You deserve so much more. Put yourself first for once. Your partner only EVER puts himself first.

Dump him and you'll save money instantly. Why are you paying taxis for a man who treats you so horribly!

Make a Big step, today. Don't allow yourself to be treated so disrespectfully by anyone, especially someone who sometimes professes to live you. Love is actions.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Sorry OP but I'm only seeing a one sided relationship which has been funded by you.

Why are you paying for his taxis? You've got no money. He's bled you dry.

Have you posted about him before?
This tale is very familiar.

You need to leave him. You know this. Good luck, OP.

He's been using you op. Of course he's nice now and again, you wouldn't stay of he was awful 100% of the time. Take 2023 to look after you and your dc. You are not this man's carer, it's not a loving and mutual respectful relationship - he's used you!

You would get PIP for your son @IzItMe if you filled in the form the right way. You have to fill it in as if it's the person's worst ever day. As he has to have therapy he does require more money than others due to his disability, which is what PIP is for.

You could say he has to pay for therapy otherwise X, Y, Z will happen to his ability to manage daily life emotionally.

Obviously your DP is awful and you should leave. Your income now I imagine is getting to a level where you would be able to rent/prove you can afford it to landlords. Maybe get a one-bed and something your son can sleep on when he's there (there are some awesome double airbeds for instance nowadays which feel just like a normal mattress. They're not massively expensive either.)

If this is real use this as a catalyst to move. You have the offer of a flat, 2 hours from your son, you work from home, financially your DP is draining you. He had an affair and you are still picking up the pieces.

You have 101 reasons to go so do it now. I say this as a wife who supports her DH through long term illness, so I know how you can feel trapped, resentful, exhausted, lose yourself and my DH is an infinite better man than your DP, he hasn’t done any of the things your DP has.

Illness is not the reason he treats you so bad, my DH has a long term illness and he struggles but he is kind, loving and loyal, earns the same as me so everything is shared and is aware of the impact of his illness on our lives.

Don’t waste another hour of your life, just go.

I honestly would have left him after the affair. He was clear for a very long time that he has no respect for you and that your only value to him lies in what you can do for him. He is a grade A arsehole and I think you need to leave and not go back to him no matter what.

Get your stuff in the car, hire a trailer if you have to to fit everything in, drive away and change your number and email address. Cut him out completely. Put yourself and your son first.

Find a job, even if its in a supermarket while you look for better and rebuild your life without this abusive loser.

I can’t see how you’ve let your son down.

you clearly have low self esteem and a lot of issues - presumably from previous b abusive relationships - probably in your childhood

the relationship hasn’t suddenly gone bad. It’s always been bad. The affair things sounds awful.

the issue is why you are choosing to stay and feeling so disempowered

move. Start reading books on trauma and get some counselling. Start your life

your son doesn’t need a bedroom with posters up and one slightly crap Xmas isn’t going to ruin his life

you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Good luck.

this man is not your problem and he can sort himself out. Make a referral to adult social services if you’re concerned and then block him

Your focus is on him is misplaced. It is you that deserves (and needs) the focus and support.

It is hard to step back and see the positive options when what you are doing is what you are used to. It’s habit - a bad habit you can change. As a PP mentioned - use that £200 for your own counselling.

You have successfully run a business and need some clear headspace to give you time to get ‘you’ back and apply those skills again. Take your friends offer. Distance can give you clarity when the constant drip, drip, drip of his needs is removed.

You may love him but his behaviours do not demonstrate that for you. Grieve the relationship and ‘what should have been’ and get yourself a good counselling / coach to get you back on your feet. Good luck to you.

How are you going to tackle getting your stuff back from his flat OP?

The sooner you do that, the better. Cut the tie.
But however you arrange for it to happen, BEWARE of him Hoovering you -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Also, don’t give in too much to feelings of guilt/heartbrokenness/etc in regards to your son. Feeling guilty/heartbroken/sad about how things turned out is a wasted emotion right now. Stop feeling awful about it and instead start making whatever concrete steps you can make right now toward fixing your and your son’s future together.

@Pinkdelight3

In 2020 my son was in his first year of A Levels. I got covid in March 20 and was hospitalised with bilateral pneumonia. By August 20 I could just about walk again. As I said, i almost died.

Later in August 20 I found out my son was ill. 6 months of terror and considerable surgery. Whilst the poor love was doing A Levels and worrying for his Mum.

Add into that my partners infidelity and being criminally stalked. Which happened in the midst.

Me, nor anyone else, knew the pandemic would last two years. Least of all me. My work kept getting postponed and cancelled.

You think should have removed my straight A student, autistic child from school, whilst he was dealing with serious medical problems and a seriously ill Mum....

And moved cross country?!

I really feel you're trying to score points with me, and I've admitted I've made poor decisions but I had no Sane choice other than to let my son finish his A levels in his school and childhood home. I made serious sacrifices to allow him that because I couldn't afford it and also couldn't move!

As for the PIP it is common for it not to be awarded with autism at 16, partly due to the descriptors and different qualifying rules compared to DLA and partly due to some DWP decision makers not understanding autism.

Does he have extra help at Uni? Could his counsellor provide evidence and insight? Depending on how his autism presents the descriptors are often the cooking, dressing, washing, bathing, planning and completing tasks, social interaction and budgeting. And it only has to apply for more than 50% of the time.

Good luck op.

OP I sincerely believe you need to stop focusing on what he says and focus on what he DOES. Sounds like you've been propping him up emotionally, financially (still are - that £200/m taxi cost?!).

How does this relationship lift YOU up? He is manipulating you to get what he needs out of the relationship and you and your son are missing out.

You are so very fortunate to have a friend who can provide you with accommodation for 6-12 months. Grab that offer with both hands, take what you can out of storage so you save some of that cost and stop paying for his taxis. He is an adult and he will have to work out how he can manage whilst you focus on the needs of yourself and your son.

You have nothing to be guilty of as far as he's concerned. Make the decision to get your own life back on track. Also, I'm unsure if this has been suggested (I've mainly read your own posts) but have you checked if you are eligible for any benefits? Good luck for the future. 🌹

Op stop reading and replying to the people that are criticising you. The rest of us are trying to help you. You've done the best you could in very difficult circumstances. Now you do the same but in a different way, by focusing on you and your child and not the person who drains you.

'Without therapy his mental health would deteriorate and he would be unable to manage X, Y, Z tasks (such as eating appropriately, washing etc) so we need money to pay for therapy for him to be able to be able to manage these activities.'

'He is unable to cook for himself adequately (or X. Y, Z tasks.) I imagine he won't be the best at these @IzItMe .

Say he has these difficulties all the time, as obviously you stand more of a chance now- and you don't know when he's going to go through a bad patch anyway, so you do need the money.

'He has difficulty with communication and social interaction (he has autism so obviously he has these difficulties- these are two of the criteria he ticks as having some difficulty with straight away.)

There's definitely no harm in applying. Obtain/include some evidence from a consultant or other professional which you can include when you send off the form. This makes a big difference.

*'you stand more of a chance then'