To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

What a (deliberately?) cynical take on OPs posts.

OP is clearly in an abusive relationship and her partner has just been really nasty about her. She's finally seeing who he is and will hopefully escape. She's hardly going to be gushing about love.

You need to take your friend up her offer and start earning for yourself again. I was a bit confused as in one post you describe your son as 'autistic' and in another seemingly 'a bit anxious' PIP payments are for your son and not based on your income - if appropriate he should apply or get a part time job around his studies (if he can). You need to concentrate on yourself and your son. In all honesty I feel the most for your son as this is a series of poor decisions on your part. Time to get out and rebuild.

He's a taker op. I hope this was the final straw.

Whether you carry on your relationship is up to you, but your first priority is to find a home with out him that is big enough for you and your son.

@Ursuladevine your posts are nasty and unkind and they're not helping the OP

@Pinkdelight3 i said my income was £65k after tax as a business director I don't really work in pre-tqx numbers. So it was a very good income really.

We weren't married and he's not my sons father but we were long term partners. Why wouldn't I believe him if he said we should move in together in Dulwich? Don't other people make plans and commitments and believe their partners? I am really confused on if I'm an idiot but I had no reason not to believe it.

@KettrickenSmiled no one would rent me a place with no income for two years, so while yes it would have been easier to just move, I didn't feel I'd be able to.

The place my friend offered me is an empty two bed flat 2 hours from my son. I have no one there, but it's a roof and I won't need to prove my income.

I know I need to go. I already packed my things last month when DP called me a cunt. They're in boxes on his flat floor. I told him I'd get them collected.

Op, I don't see any failings here. You are not a failed mother, partner or woman.

You have admirably fought through some extremely difficult times. Your son is settled at uni, but it's time to make a plan for you now.

It's good you have a generous friend willing to help. I wasn't sure whether you have officially ended things with DP or not but, you must. He is dragging you down, emotionally, physically, mentally. You don't owe him anything.

Time to focus on you, rebuild your work and your income and in time, you will recover.

Take a deep breath. New year, new start, new you xxx

@Pinkdelight3 I was a single parent running a travel events business with an autistic child. I lived in London because my family / parents did and I needed DS to have care during frequent work travel along with a stable education. I wouldn't have been able to continue without my parents support I'm afraid.

I think with this and your other replies to me, you're (deliberately?) choosing which point of your life to frame the response from. I'm clearly not talking about when your DS was child and you needed childcare. Nor am I stuck in this period when you were earning so well as a business director. Pre-pandemic was feb 2020. We're in Jan 2023. I'm talking about this period in which you've earned less than £7k over two years (pre-tax or post, who cares!) and in which he hasn't delivered on his promises and has been an asshole, and you're still haemorrhaging hundreds a month on storage while saying you're homeless. You've still looked to him to deliver on the dream during what sounds like a nightmare couple of years. This is when I'm talking about. The recent past and now. That's your reality that needs dealing with and the rest was either never real (his bullshit) or is gone. You have your independence now if you embrace it and can make your own decisions, but only if you detach from the fantasies around him and whatever fairytale you bought into.

He had an affair, leave him! End of! He obviously doesn’t respect you and is using you as a live in carer. You sound like a fantastic mum and are amazing at your job. Stop wasting your time on this person who does not appreciate you or support you and drags you down. Start living your own life again. Go to a women’s refuge if you have no money but please get away from this awful person.

@NameChagaiiiin

Im not ignoring questions. Users have not read my answers.

On page 2 I explained I WFH. Not him. People misread.

I also explained in detail my financial picture over the pandemic.

Please read my posts as I'm not feeling thick skinned enough right now for false accusations.

Did it never occur to you, to have HIM move in to your 2-bed place?

He could then either let his place, or at least, save paying rent, and contribute it towards your expenses, pay for his keep. You would have stayed in control; independent. Whatever happened, you and DC had a home. And a say in your own life.

You've been suckered by a manipulator who now controls you and your son.

He doesn't love you. He's using you. Put your son first before you lose him.

Absol-bloody-lutely

@IzItMe you have a gift here - take it. Use the time to recover your health, centre yourself and don’t look back.

DP is often lovely to me, but at times is horrific. Generally out of nowhere he has angry rants and when i respond angrily he tells me my anger is ruining our lives.

Two classic abuse tactics. Love-bombing "being lovely to me" . When that doesn't get what he wants, he resorts to gaslighting.

@Ursuladevine he gets a taxi every day. Costs £200 a month. Which I pay for as I noticed on the days he gets the bus he's more ill.

I know his illness is real. He can hardly put socks on or climb stairs. He's in pain every day.

I dont think Im a martyr. I loved this man a lot and him going through it was horrible.

I have genuinely done everything in my power to help him get better. I get up and hour before him to warm up the flat so he's not cold (cold causes pain).

I listen all day to him suffering. I research forums for his disease. I cook special food. I pay for treatments. I bought him all sorts of things from electric blankets to foot spas. I can hardly sleep if I hear him in pain.

My income is greatly reduced, but on the way up. What I do have, I spend on him and my son because I love them both.

I'm sad people think there's no love in this relationship. Working through infidelity was hard. Caring for someone with chronic illness for 18 months is hard. I did it because I really, really love this person.

I accept its pretty obvious he doesn't feel the same way, but I believed he did. He cried so much begging me not to go, he acts I love. Its just things like this happen and i realise if you love people you don't do this stuff.

It's hard for me to admit to myself, because I wish he did. I think maybe he just loves me in a very shallow way. No real commitment to my wellbeing.

Well done OP. It's the right decision. Not having to walk on eggshells will be a wonderful relief.

Ignore the spiteful posters. They are the same on any post and it says more about them than it does about you.

So how did he fare for the many years that you lived apart and your priority was presumably caring for your son?

Pack your stuff and leave, this man is toxic and abusive. Stay at your family's and then go to your friends, block him and start 2023 without this disgrace of a man. You deserve so much better, it will be hard but you'll look back at how he treated you and be stunned as you why you didn't leave sooner

OP, I don’t love you.

but I’d beg you to stay if you got up early to warm things up/make me a coffee/make special food before popping me in a taxi you pay for. After work I might go for a massage that you pay for…

This man is horrific and completely taking the piss out of you.

Think about what advice you would give to someone else in this exact situation and follow it!!!

Good luck

It's not love OP. It's a trauma bond to a highly abusive man.

ncrw.org/trauma-bonding/

Please add this to any other links PP have posted on your thread, & make a concrete study plan.

Re-read everything you just posted above, about not being a martyr.
And brace yourself, because you need to accept that you absolutely martyred yourself to this horrible man.

This is why I keep suggesting therapy. Not just to get over this abusive relationship - but to understand why you gave so very much of yourself. Doing that much even for a GOOD man would have been a lot. But this one cheated on you, took your money, time, energy & love, & did nothing with it but manipulate you.
You need to understand that being in an abusive relationship is not a crime, that you are not at fault - BUT you also need to learn what it is about your family life or early background that contributed to your need to be so needed. A PP called it a Saviour Complex - look into this, & Rescuers, & Enabling, & Enmeshment.

And ignore some of the more twattish PP's who are using your thread as a vehicle to bully you with, from the anonymous safety of their screens. Their ignorance & spite is their own problem, not yours.

You say you have not earned for 2 years of covid making it impossible to rent - thankfully you have been offered a flat. We are now in 2023 and people have been having events for quite some time..Yet you dont have money but stillpay for taxis, special foods, counselling for your son..you seem to be meeting quite a lot of costly additional expenses - the practical, financial side is all a bit confusing.

@Ursuladevine

Wow.

Of course he promises to change and says he loves me. Pages and pages of begging texts. He says he knows i deserve better and blames his illness.

Are you saying I'm using him for his money? Whoah. If I wanted someone for money I'd have picked a partner who earned more than me 5 years ago, and I'd have left him for someone healthy who has a two bedroom house!

Love is why i stayed. You can believe what you like, but I'm obviously a very sub par gold digger

OP that ursuladevine person is usually a dick on other threads too, pay them no mind