To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

Your post is heartbreaking to read.

You sound like a really really strong lovely woman who’s been pushed and manipulated and backed into a corner by a gaslighting bully.

Stay strong and accept this relationship will do you no good to stay in, he doesn’t care about you or your son, just about himself.

Make a list of all the things you need to do to improve your situation and then start taking action, you can do this.

First step is moving out and securing an income for yourself, everything else will fall into place after this.

Look after your own physical and mental health, this ‘man’ has ground you down but you can come back from this.

And no, you haven’t ruined your DS’s life, you’ll get everything back on track, start slowly and you’ll build momentum.

In case my last post sounded harsh, I really just mean to make clear that there's a life beyond Westminster or Dulwich that doesn't entail failure and homelessness. That is just a much more realistic and viable long-term lifestyle. Forget defining yourself as this amazing high-earner because that's also the definition that is making you think you've hugely failed your DS, when that's clearly not the case - you've given him a great upbringing and it's no bad thing if he's seeing life is harder than it was when you were wealthy. He'll have a better sense of the value of things and what he has to work for in life.

There was always a plan. He always had a plan. When he refused to get a bigger place, the "new plan" was made that we'd buy a house. DP has twice what we'd need for a deposit, and a mortgage on a two bedroom place near my sons uni would be £400 a months with the deposit available. Comparative to £3k rent in Central London, that's very little. I spend considerably more than that on storage each month.

So the "new" plan when he decided we could no longer live in Dulwich was to keep a 1 bed crash pad in London and have our main house by my sons uni. Then he pulled out of that saying our relationship was too unstable to buy a house. Which is true, but our relationship is unstable because im essentially homeless so.....??????

I didn't sit there and choose this. I was promised at every turn that I'd have the life I'd been promised, but he kept moving goalposts and by the time he moved the last one I really didnt have anywhere else to go.

I used to be a huge earner (65k a year after tax roughly) but I've been unable to do anything. I'm depressed, I'm living out of a suitcase, and my partner is intermittently treating me like shit.

I know he gaslights me. I know he uses DARVO. But if i tell him that, he says its me doing it.

His tender tantrum out of nowhere yesterday was about him not wanting to go to my parents and being resentful he had to. I felt it was a tiny sacrifice and show of love and support. He started talking to me like dirt. I asked him calmly to stop 5 or 6 times, then he told me because I was angry and rude to hi over his affair, why shouldn't he give me the same back.

I admit I was angry and sad horrible things I fights related to his affair, mostly due to anger that the he refused to do any work to heal and just expected me to put up or shut up.

Now he thinks me being justifiably angry over that is a carte blanche to talk to me like dirt? He's tried to make me feel like a bad person who help. And half the time I believe him

When I got angry yesterday (as anyone would) he tells me my anger makes him ill and he needs peace and he loves me a little less each time I get angry. Then he told me he didn't want me anymore and blocked me.

I think maybe PP is right, and he thinks because I need a place to live that he's got power to treat me like dirt.

Last month I got very anxious as the woman he cheated with was in town. He didn't comfort me. He got very angry called me a c**t and told me to pack my bags and leave.

So I did. That's when my kind friend gave me a place to stay. DP begged me back and apologised but he knew I was seriously depressed and not okay. 1 day home and he did this.

I know I've made bad decisions but I really loved this person and felt he'd look after me. Him being so ill made it hard to argue. I didn't think he was an awful person. I just feel very confused by it all.

Now listen up Iz.

You ARE strong enough.
You have ruined NOBODY's life.
You are NOT a failure.

Get yourself away from that terrible user, get safely into the accommodation your friend is offering, & start healing.

You will feel strong again when you are no longer wasting so much energy on the user.
Your son will be fine - plently of students take part-time work to support themselves. He can do that, & he'll also now have a fall-back position with you, outside of term time.
Very far from being a failure, you have coped with business loss, life-threatening illness, loss of your own home, & running around after an abusive user.

Now you are going to be in a position where you can rebuild your earnings.
You will be able to pay down debt quite quickly while living at your friend's place (I'm assuming this is shared with her, so costs will be low?).
This will give you an immediate sense of regaining control, & your pride & self-sufficiency will grow with that.

Take this 6 - 12 months as the blessing & opportunity it is.
Re-establish your business - but also work on yourself.
No dating for a year.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication-ebook/dp/B09NJ9CK8H/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=a+woman+in+your+own+right&qid=1672572154&s=digital-text&sprefix=a+woman+in+you%2Cdigital-text%2C79&sr=1-1

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Finally - your question AIBU To be raging angry?
YANBU!
Come on OP - harness that anger! You have every right to be blisteringly angry. Channel the rage. Invest in yourself.

You've had a shit couple of years, but you've get everything you need to ensure your own recovery. You won't heal from the perspective of a 'shame mindset' though, so please stop all the negative self-talk. You got taken in by a bastard - it happens - many PP here have been similarly hoodwinked by users, or taken in by personality disordered men, & have given too much of themselves. We've learned from it & moved on - & so can you.

Oooohhhhhh, poor thing
Seriously OP, you are worth so much more than a cheating useless angry liar. You seem to be allowing him to blame everything on his illness but it sounds like he was a shit even before that.
Its a new year, find a new life

A friend has offered me a free place to live for 6 to 12 months. So I think I'll go there.

I think you need to stand on your own two feet, OP.

You can choose whether to take the advice of everyone on this thread or stay with an abusive, manipulative man. It's up to you.

@BadShepherd what was i meant to do? No money, no savings, nowhere to go? Even if I had rent money who was going to give me a lease with 7k income over two years?

I applied for council housing in both places and they didn't even reply. I applied for benefits and got offered pittance- my son is technically and adult and technically no longer lives at home.

All the while I was being promised by DP that he'd sort the problem. I left several times. He always promised to sort it.

I know I've failed utterly as a Mother but I honestly didn't feel I had options. Maybe I was wrong to rely on DP but I honestly felt he loved me

Look, if you're spending that much a month on storage, why don't you just go and live in the place near your son's uni on your own?

There's something fundamental about your posts that don't make any sense. This attitude that you were promised things, that he should look after you etc etc. This is not a normal thing for an adult to believe, and even less so when the partner has been as bad as yours. You're not married. He's not your DS's father. You have no reason to believe he'd deliver on any of these plans and promises. You repeatedly say what a huge earner you are/were, but £65k a year certainly isn't Dulwich/Westminster level minted so all along it seems you've been relying on him to make these fancy pad dreams come true. People on £65k a year can't afford central London crash-pads plus an out of town house. So all along it's been your expectation that he'd be paying the bulk of it, but why would he?

Honestly, I think you need to get away and get your feet on the ground as your perspective has been messed up for quite some time. You can blame him - and he's an asshole no doubt - but it won't help you sort yourself out. That's going to take a very different shift in your thinking.

Do you indeed @harrassedmumto3

What is wrong with you to make such a malicious & unhelpful comment?
Do you feel OP hasn't been punished enough by this abusive relationship yet, so you need to stick your boot in?

Get some help with whatever's making you so unhappy you need to attack a poster who's already suffering.

You don’t like answering questions do you Op.

does he WFH?
why didn’t you get any support during covid?
did you stay with him because he was your financial way out of the mess you’re in? Because there is a quite striking lack of any kind of love on either side in every single one of your post

You need to leave this man. His illness might be beyond his control but his affair and verbal abuse aren’t. I’m not sure how you’ve been under the misapprehension he loves you for so long as his behaviour seems to show anything but? Words are cheap, it’s what people do that counts.

Similarly, no you didn’t choose to lose your income in the pandemic or become depressed. And I know from having been in unhealthy relationships that when you’re in them it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. But you did choose to stay with him after the affair, you chose to go back to him after leaving when he called you a cunt. You need to take charge of your own life for your own sake and your son’s, and I guarantee your life will be infinitely better without this millstone of a man in it.

Ah and what’s the relationship like between your DS and partner?

Look, if you're spending that much a month on storage, why don't you just go and live in the place near your son's uni on your own?

This.
You are depressed & overwhelmed OP, so haven't been making the best decisions. But you seriously need to sort your finances out, & shelling out for storage is ridiculous. How much stuff have you got - it is going to fit into your friend's place? If not - get rid of it. Sell it, dump it - whatever - it's holding you back & draining your cash.

Agree with all of this. The only one you can really rely on is you. Even in a healthy relationship I believe everyone should retain independence and self sufficiency, especially financially.

I would look at this as a great opportunity to start the new year afresh, without this freeloading fraudulent creep. He’s really shown his true colours. It’s a new chapter for you OP, enjoy it and look forward with confidence.

@Pinkdelight3 my partners job is in Central London. It wasn't a choice. It was either 1 income in London or no income elsewhere. Dulwich was a much cheaper compromise. Pre pandemic our combined income was £165k so its not really a valid suggestion to suggest him quitting his job and moving would have resolved anything.

Yeh OP is only playing the woe is me card and ignoring every poster who asks why her story doesn't add up.

Your children always come before everybody else and your needs - there are extra monies available to autistic students from university or benefits like pip. Do you still have your own flat to go to? Apply to the council housing as homeless while at your friends if you have no flat anymore. Live your own life now without that user.

And why would you be paying a fortune on storage every month - and on Air BnBs - if you've only earned £7k over that last two years? There are all kinds of gradations between a DP funding a Dulwich 3-bed and applying for a council house and that's what you need to get your head around while staying at your friend's place. I think that's what PP means about standing on your own feet - that even the freebie friend's place could be a continuation of the OP's helplessness/unsustainable lifestyle/thinking if she doesn't use it to make a real change. Otherwise, it's all a bit Blanche Dubois.

Why were you crying instead of enjoying NYE with your son and family? You're loving the role of matryr , all this nonsense about spending hours doing his special diet etc.
Yabu, the choice is in your hands

You’ve chosen to make your son homeless and put yourself in this position

Please stop repeating this shit, she's explained it at least twice

@NameChagaiiiin it's hard to keep up.

I said I work from home. He works in London.

So the only reason to be in this expensive city is HIS career.

As we say here, heard it

So how does he get in to work? He lives and works in central london but will still have to get to his office? Weren’t you a touch suspicious when you were supposedly essentially his “carer” and yet he was leaving for work every morning for a full day.