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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging angry?

343 replies

IzItMe · 01/01/2023 09:24

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

OP posts:
Motnight · 01/01/2023 11:00

Pinkdelight3 · 01/01/2023 10:58

How on earth is Dulwich affordable if you literally cannot pay your rent? I think you were (still are?) living in cloudcuckooland believing he'd magic a bigger pad in Dulwich for you both to live in and cover the bills on it when you're skint and he's sick. As PP said, I think you've made some terrible decisions and put way too much faith in him even when he's repeatedly demonstrated he's not there to help you but quite the opposite, he's a drain on your scant resources. You need to forget 3-beds in Dulwich - and central London one-beds - and use this time at your friend's place to massively recalibrate to truly affordable living.

It is almost unbelievable isn't it?

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:01

IzItMe · 01/01/2023 10:48

@Ursuladevine the point Is he says he's too ill to commute so his flat is in Central CENTRAL London. He won't move even 1 mile out. He says he can barely cope as it is.

Our plan was always to get a 2 or 3 bedroom place somewhere affordable like Dulwich but he says he can't and won't do it.

So I’m confused. He WFH? In central london

RandomMess · 01/01/2023 11:01

Move to your friends, focus on rebuilding your business/income/financial security.

Your "DP" is utterly selfish as you have now realised he doesn't care much for you or DS only himself and what he wants.

Get angrier, very angry that he has thrown away a your love and care.

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:01

Say he suddenly changes his mind and happy to move

surely you can see that this issue aside… this relationship is profoundly rotten to the core?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/01/2023 11:04

Relationships are about compromise. He is not willing to make any. His health does not mean that you dont have needs either. I would be out of this asap.

Paq · 01/01/2023 11:07

Honestly, he's done you a favour by blocking you. This man has sucked the life out of you. Run and never look back.

NameChagaiiiin · 01/01/2023 11:08

Wait. What.
Wouldn't move due to being unable to commute

Works from home

Dammit, I hate being invested in a thread that turns out to be bullsquirt.

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2023 11:09

Surely ds should be eligible for dsa?

Can you move closer to ds get a two bed and him move in with you again that way you can support him financially easier?

Can he get a job?

Original poster
IzItMe · 01/01/2023 11:09

@Pinkdelight3 we have a very good income, normally combined. A three bed in Dulwich costs the same as a 1 bed in Westminster. The money I've spent alone on hotels and air bnbs is already less than a bigger place.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 01/01/2023 11:09

The offer of living at your friend's property is your escape route back to a normal life.

You made a huge mistake moving in with him but it's resolvable, if you choose to resolve it and stop putting him above you and your son.

He coped without you living there before so he'll be absolutely fine without you being a live in carer.

Start to sort your life out and get your proper relationship back with your son. Call your friend today and start making your arrangements to move.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/01/2023 11:10

I have been in situations where a partner says one thing then changes completely when you have given up your independence. I am so sorry, but thank goodness you have somewhere else to go.

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:10

Op

does he WFH? Yes or no

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:10

Does he and your DS get on?

Crackof · 01/01/2023 11:11

ShakespearesBlister · 01/01/2023 09:57

Is it the last straw though? It's quite clear what he gets out of this absurd arrangement but what exactly are you and your child getting from it? Maybe your new year's resolution should be to stop being a martyr and focus on your own happiness instead xx

This.

Twiglets1 · 01/01/2023 11:11

IzItMe · 01/01/2023 10:56

@KettrickenSmiled yes. I was a small business owner in events. I was excluded from furlough and SEISS. I got £460 a month as a company director. My outgoing for rent / bills were about £3000. I couldn't move, my son was I'm his final years of school. I lost everything really.

As all this was happening I got covid and almost died, the long covid, then my son had serious illness, then I found out about the affair, then a year of harrassment , then DP being so ill.

I just couldn't / can't cope. I felt very confused by it all. I just didn't really understand what was happening.

My earning prospects are excellent, but I've built up debts in all this and frankly feel barely able to make a sandwich. I hope I find some strength.

I don't feel I have any.

I was a single Mum and fought for my DS and gave him a great he And great life, without a cent from his father.

Now I feel I've ruined DSs life and I'm massive failure.

No you haven’t ruined your sons life and you’re not a massive failure.
You just need to press the reset button and start again. You can do it, you are obviously a strong and competent person but your affection for your partner has clouded your judgment.

itreallyhastostop · 01/01/2023 11:13

It's so obvious reading your posts that you're actually not going to do anything constructive and instead you are going to stay with this loser, at the expense of your son.

Funny how once he was caught having a long term affair , he suddenly became "ill". Classic deflection ; are you sure he is genuinely ill? Have you been to the drs with him? Seen him give himself the injections necessary for RA? I'm just not sure I would believe him, it sounds like he needed the deflection at the time and has had to go along with invented illness... he's well enough to go to work full time but not to go away for one night?

As I said, I see from your posts that we are all wasting our time here anyway.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/01/2023 11:15

He can't be that unwell to work full time and do things he's interested in though. He's playing you!

You're not a massive failure but you really must make a move to get away from him. It's the first day of a whole new year would you rather a few hard months of getting your own place & building your business back up and then at the end of December be proud of how far you've come in a year or would you rather 365 days of being miserable and playing carer to someone who clearly doesn't need a carer and is using you?

Onnabugeisha · 01/01/2023 11:15

I can see why you are both angry tbh.

Youd agreed for years to move in together into a larger flat….but then he’s become seriously ill and it’s probably taking all his energy just to cling on to his job. You’ve lost 80% of your income due to covid…and it seems have not gotten a new job or way to get your income back up. So I don’t understand why you are angry at him for not being able to afford a larger flat? The agreement to move in together was surely based on the expectation that you’d be contributing to the costs of it as well as him?

But you’ve been angry with him, blaming him and guess what anger begets anger. He’s too ill to go to your parents, and you accuse him of lying because he’s clinging onto his job…a job that pays your bills and puts a roof over your head. You talk about the sacrifices you have made, but you don’t seem to realise he can’t do any more than he is. Yes he is now angry with you and is treating you appallingly, but you’ve been blaming him for the fallout from your catastrophe of losing your income. He was going to snap at some point.

Honestly, I think the relationship has run its course. You’re both angry and life and taking it out on each other. Get your own flat and sign up your DS for disabled student allowance.

NewMoonPhase · 01/01/2023 11:16

Omg LTB op!!!

Crackof · 01/01/2023 11:18

Sorted then. You've got somewhere to go.
Go there. Lick your wounds & come back stronger, you and your boy.
You'll be amazed how much energy you have once you stop letting this vampire bloke feed on you.
Happy 2023 and let this be the year you ditch struggle love for losers in favour of loving yourself.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/01/2023 11:19

IzItMe · 01/01/2023 11:09

@Pinkdelight3 we have a very good income, normally combined. A three bed in Dulwich costs the same as a 1 bed in Westminster. The money I've spent alone on hotels and air bnbs is already less than a bigger place.

This is what I mean about needing to recalibrate.

You don't have a very good income - you lost that years ago and now only have earning 'potential', debts and crippling overheads for your DS education, plus having to blow funds on air bnbs.

You can forget combined income, because he clearly isn't there to support you, he wants you to support him.

Your ideas of what's normal and combined are based on delusions and you need to get real. Indeed, if you earned so well for so long, most people would have bought a place and had a safety net, not rented in the most expensive parts of the country. You made your choices within a bubble which has well and truly burst and need to change your mindset big time. Even the free place from a friend isn't a realistic prospect for most so don't get used to that either. You need to start to live like someone with no money, not someone who believes that money tap will be turned on again somehow and things will go back to a normal that was never sustainable in the first place.

PerpetualFailure · 01/01/2023 11:22

Just block him? What's the problem?
You are clearly strong as you were an excellwnt business woman and mother. You only have one problem and he isn't really your problem so.... Come on, put yourself first (and get some therapy to talk through all the weight in your mind). Good luck xx

FlamingoQueen · 01/01/2023 11:23

You sound lovely, but very worn down. Can you live straight away in your friend’s place? It would give you some breathing space and somewhere for your DS to come home too (even if it’s just a sofa to sleep on).

Please be kind to yourself and put yourself first.

5moments · 01/01/2023 11:24

Mate just block him and move on. Move into your friends place, save up, pay off debts, spend time recovering and looking after yourself. Surely it's bloody obvious?

harrassedmumto3 · 01/01/2023 11:25

I think you have been naive in the situation. Presumably you always knew he had this selfish streak, and that he couldn't afford/wasn't willing to move away.
It's like your eyes have been opened now it's too late.