To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

How does he make it commuting in to central London if he’s so ill?

So he had an affair, his AP harassed you ... & your response to this was to start pandering to this ghastly man even more strenuously, because the stress of his affair made him ill?

Please - go to your friend's place asap.
Take that 6 - 12 months to recover from this awful relationship.
Get some therapy, do The Freedom Programme, & stay away from romantic relationships until you have set yourself fully back on your own two feet.

What are your financial prospects, now that lockdown is over? I'm guessing you were self-employed, took a huge hit, & were not eligible for SEISS relief?
If you put half the energy into sorting your work life out that you poured into slaving for a selfish twat, you'll get yourself straight again.

Block the twat, don't waste any more time thinking about him, & starting looking after YOURSELF. You don't need th throw yourself away on some user.

Please leave him. This is no way to live. Could you and your son move in with your parents for a while?

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go.

Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness.

Stop this immediately. Do nothing for him.

Op you are not worthless. You are strong, and mentally tough anyone else would of had a break down by now.

He's mentally abusing you - telling you you can't be angry that he had an affair?!
Yes you can!

If he really cared about you he wouldn't of done it and wouldn't be treating you like complete shit.

Please please leave for the sake of your mental health & happiness. There are better people out there who will treat you how your supposed to be treated. This "man" is nothing but a user & an abuser.

Guys, I want to be clear i didn't "do this to my son". I couldn't pay my rent anymore. I just about managed to keep things going until he left for uni but no way I could maintain it. I lost £70k in income over the pandemic. I was running on petrol fumes.

And up until I was literally packing I completely believed me and DP were getting a bigger place. I'd threatened to leave if we didn't and he'd sent me links to bigger houses.

He reneged Pretty much as I was packing boxes with nowhere to go, and as I became more and more stressed and depressed I felt less and less able to help myself.

By that stage I was more or less in bed all day wishing I wasnt alive. DP was telling me he was ill and couldn't do anything about the problem and I didn't feel there was anything I could do.

Are you co reimbursing financially? You’ve chosen to make your son homeless and put yourself in this position. I presume either you’re living with him for financial reasons because you can’t pay your own expenses or there’s some sort of abuse/ control going on. Your friend has offered a lifeline, take it. At least your son can share your room so will always have a place to stay

OP it sounds like you’ve had an awful couple of years. Take up your friends offer for accommodation, sort out your finances, get some counselling or therapy and, most of all, stop wasting your time on this man.

Definitely move into the free place your kind friend has offered, ditch the DP and get yourself back on your feet again. The DP is a user and a dead loss by the sounds of it, but the housing situation is a problem quite separately to being with him. It sounds like you couldn't afford to keep your home and fund your DS at uni so had no choice but to live with DP on his terms, so there's a big work/income/housing situation of your own to sort to fix all these terrible feelings of being homeless and in the wrong place that are not about your DP. Of course it hasn't helped that you thought moving in with him would help when in fact it just put more stress on you and your limited resources, but now that you have a way to live rent-free hopefully you can build up your funds and resilience and make a new base for you and DS that you can afford on your own. Must say it sucks that you're so skint covering the bills for DS. There should be more funding for him if you're in such dire straits.

You're his carer and deluded doormat and this is barely a relationship never mind a loving respectful team.

I'd relied on DP

Time for this to stop, it's done nothing but render you and your DS homeless. **

Take the steps you need to in order to house yourself in the best way possible before he compromises you any further, and don't make any decisions that don't put you and DS first from now on. **

**

It all sounds very unpleasant
lots of drama
lots of history
and pretty much zero love

honestly what make you think this was going to work?

and how come you received zero support during the pandemic?

I’m baffled how we can commute to central London with him being so ill ti the extent you are essentially his carer

I think you answered your own question in the line “he just doesn’t seem to really care about either of us”.
He is always looking after number 1 and that is something you have stopped doing.

he

This is literally the third thread I’ve read this morning where a woman has chosen dick over her children and it’s not even 11 hours into the new year.

Buckle up folks.

I think you made a lot of awful choices and it’s time you put yourself and your son first.

Think of the hours you can regain by not caring for this loser and work to improve your circumstances. Take your friends offer. Block him and work on yourself.

@Ursuladevine the point Is he says he's too ill to commute so his flat is in Central CENTRAL London. He won't move even 1 mile out. He says he can barely cope as it is.

Our plan was always to get a 2 or 3 bedroom place somewhere affordable like Dulwich but he says he can't and won't do it.

@BadShepherd amen

I’m so glad you have your friend op. Take a few months and then think about work that means you can pay for a flat somewhere, a long way from your now ex, where your ds can stay. This is the year of you, after pandering to him for so long. Your now ex will just have to look after himself, which it seems he can do just fine really. And you now can cook for yourself, spend your time for yourself… I see you blossoming!

I think you have a saviour complex OP. There are no plus sides to your current position, so have a really truthful look at why you are staying in it. What is it that makes you feel good and valued and worthwhile? -You said yourself that you want him to feel grateful for your sacrifice... You can google saviour complex.

Stop looking to your partner to change. You need to look at yourself.

He is taking the mick out of you, why are you Molly coddling him for? Why on Earth did you move in knowing your son had no where he can come back too?

No OP move out and build your home back up again, never ever give it all up for anyone.,

OP please ignore the posters telling you you've done wrong by your son. He is over 18 and an adult man, not a child you need to look after. He should be getting a job to pay for rent and food - this is what I and everyone who didn't have rich parents did to get through uni since the maintenance loan covers shit. Not ideal but with 3-4 months holiday in the summer it's enough to make a few grand and get through the year on low hours part time work.

I hope you can leave this toxic relationship and see a GP about your depression. 2023 is already looking much more positive for you as you break away from this awful man. Wishing you all the best.

He expects you to put up and shut up.

He did that about your affair, your money, your home etc etc

The going on about your anger is classic DARVO - he uses his anger to shut you up.

You and DS will be happier without him and his demands in your life, you just can't see it yet.

@KettrickenSmiled yes. I was a small business owner in events. I was excluded from furlough and SEISS. I got £460 a month as a company director. My outgoing for rent / bills were about £3000. I couldn't move, my son was I'm his final years of school. I lost everything really.

As all this was happening I got covid and almost died, the long covid, then my son had serious illness, then I found out about the affair, then a year of harrassment , then DP being so ill.

I just couldn't / can't cope. I felt very confused by it all. I just didn't really understand what was happening.

My earning prospects are excellent, but I've built up debts in all this and frankly feel barely able to make a sandwich. I hope I find some strength.

I don't feel I have any.

I was a single Mum and fought for my DS and gave him a great he And great life, without a cent from his father.

Now I feel I've ruined DSs life and I'm massive failure.

How on earth is Dulwich affordable if you literally cannot pay your rent? I think you were (still are?) living in cloudcuckooland believing he'd magic a bigger pad in Dulwich for you both to live in and cover the bills on it when you're skint and he's sick. As PP said, I think you've made some terrible decisions and put way too much faith in him even when he's repeatedly demonstrated he's not there to help you but quite the opposite, he's a drain on your scant resources. You need to forget 3-beds in Dulwich - and central London one-beds - and use this time at your friend's place to massively recalibrate to truly affordable living.

Wait, he works full time yet he's so "ill" that you feel obliged to look after him like a carer, make all his special food and pay for his medical treatment? And he treats you like this? He's really done a number on you.
Cut your losses, accept your friend's offer of a place to stay and start saving.