To call the police and ruin a friendship?

[Emschels]

Hi all,

Happy New Year! Sorry this is a long one!

Me and my friend (28 & 29) have known each other since we were born really, as we both lived on the same council estate and our mums were friends. I have recently welcomed my first child with my partner, and she is his godmum. We do everything together - even work at the same school (although I’m on maternity at the minute).

On Boxing Day, her family always hold a little afternoon get together. Me and my partner always go and this year I took the baby. She brought her new partner (who we had met before at her house briefly earlier on in the year) who seemed to hit it off with my partner, and they were sharing drinks etc. It gets closer to my sons bedtime, and my friend asked if her and her new partner could come over to my flat and have a few drinks once I’d done the bedtime routine and got my little boy down. The night was fine, everything seemed great, nothing amiss. They left at 9.30ish, my partner then went to bed, I did the cleaning.

My boyfriend then woke up at 3am the next morning (27th) for work. On his phone, he had notifications from his HSBC app that his card had been used in three shops around our local area at just before 11pm the previous evening, as well as a hotel booking. He had also received emails from American Express letting him know that they had stopped a £57.99 transaction from a corner shop as they suspected fraudulent activity. We looked for his wallet and it was nowhere in the house; annoyed, he’s presumed he’s dropped it on the way to and from the get together and some opportunist has picked it up and used it. He’s called his bank, reported it as fraudulent and luckily they’ve refunded the money and action fraud have opened a case. Assumed the wallet would be long gone now etc but cancelled all cards and credit cards.

Later on that day, he checks his banking apps. All clear (except HSBC) apart from his barclaycard credit card (which doesn’t show pending transactions) now showing that this card was used in more shops - although some of these shops are specifically named after the area they are in (think London express for example). Two of the places are in an area of East London, which is where my friends new partner is from. For reference, we all live in South West London, about an hours journey away from him on public transport so we suspect it’s not a coincidence.

Ive told my friend that the cards were used in East London and immediately she’s on the defensive saying “No it couldn’t be him, he’d never do that,”. Fair enough, but I’ve told her that my partner will be contacting the police through 101 as these new transactions have bumped the total amount that was spent/stolen to £386 (!!). She agrees she would do the same thing.

Today she has called me and said that she has the wallet. Her partner admitted to it but said he was drunk and can’t remember and woke up with the wallet in his room. She said that her partner knows he messed up and is really sorry. Said she could never forgive him etc etc. He came, dropped off the wallet and she told him to leave. Earlier on tonight I drove to hers and knocked on the door to collect the wallet, he was in her flat. I was shocked he was there and angrily asked him why he did it, he said he didn’t know why, it wasn’t personal, he was drunk but he’s bought the wallet back and now this should be the end of it because my boyfriend ‘has been given the money back by the bank so hasn’t lost out’. At this point now I’m fuming. How dare he? I’ve said it’s not the end of it and if he can’t tell me why he did it he can explain to the police.

On the way home I got a number of WhatsApp messages from my friend asking why we were still contacting the police, and she thinks we shouldn’t do that because he’s said he’s sorry. I’m under the impression she thought that because he’d handed the wallet back, we’d miraculously thank him and not take any further action. I asked her about what she said about not forgiving him and why he was still in the flat, she said that shes stressed because she’s in the middle, can’t pick between her partner and me, even after he stole because he knows he did wrong and can’t remember anything from the night. We got into an argument after that and she’s blocked me on WhatsApp now because I refused to promise her my partner wouldn’t call the police.

My thing is that this is theft. A criminal offence. And he has taken the wallet from the house my partner shares with me and our 5 month old baby. I don’t buy his story about being too drunk to realise as well, because he was able to make a journey on a bus and 2 tube trains back to East London, as well as inputting all his personal information on to booking.com and going into several shops. Also, if he can do this to her friends and think he can get away with it - what’s next? Stealing from her family? Her?

One of her last messages to me was that if I call the police then I am throwing away her friendship because her partner (who is already on probationary license) will most likely be arrested and charged, and then she will feel ‘too awkward’ to talk to me. According to her, I’m being unreasonable because he’s handed the stuff back, my partner has been refunded from the bank, and he’s said he’s sorry, so I should just leave it there.

Im very very stoic on this but does anyone else think that I’m being unreasonable and blowing this all out of proportion?

The thing is, though, that within the next year OP will be back working with friend unless one or both changes their job, so will have to deal with each other. If OP has let friend know the olive branch is there it may smooth that process.

They can be civil to each other but they don’t need to be friends and OP should not give an olive branch.

The very least the friend should have gone would have been to tell the boyfriend she needs space to think for a couple of days but she didn’t she forgave it straight away and had him straight back in her house, and what’s worse is she’s trying to guilt trip OP into not going to the police and then gave him her number.

She is just as bad as him and she’s made her bed so she needs to lie in it.

I mean who climbs into a hotel room bed and sleeps peacefully, knowing they've just paid for it by robbing their new girlfriend's oldest friends, except a sociopath?
And how desperate for a man is she, that she's willing to gloss over it?

Murky business. Poor OP.

Wow Yanbu.
you might lose a friend over this but I wouldn’t want a friend that didn’t understand the gravity of what happened and continued to stand by this tosser.

she might thank you in the future though.

You have to call the police.
He'll only keep doing it, next time it might cripple someone who keeps cash in their wallet and unable to get it back from bank. I'd be so upset if I knew the people before me hadnt pressed charges. Friend will come round when she realises she dated a loser.

Morning all,

Again thank you for the responses and support! Partner has been on the phone this morning to the banks and reported what he has told the police, that he knows the individual who committed the fraud, so thank you to everyone who advised us to do that, because we would not have known at all that he could be assumed to be in on it too.

In regards to the friend, I’m not too sure if she was present at the hotel with him, although I think if she was she wouldn’t hve been aware it was spent on my partners card. Though I can never be too sure. I unblocked them both early hours per the advice I got here to see if they would incriminate themselves further and I’ve had a message from her at 10.20 this morning asking if she can come to mine so we can talk. I haven’t responded to her yet as I’m still angry and in my opinion they both made it very clear where they stood in regards to this last night.

In regards to a previous post about the cards not being cancelled and billing address etc - my partner is an artic lorry driver, starts work at 3.30am and then is up and down the M4 until he gets a break. He had to wait until 11.30am-ish before he was able to ring the bank and report as fraud, by which time the friends partner had checked out of the hotel and used the credit card. He was able to book the hotel in my partners name and using the right billing address as my partners driving license was also in the wallet, which has his full name and address on etc.

Friend does not have keys to my flat thank god! We have a ring doorbell camera in place already. Although I don’t think he will attempt to come to the address tbh, from what I gathered from him he’s one of the types that pretend to be something they’re not, all bark no bite. We will be wary though.

You "have heart", do you?

Well I have brain.

A thief is a "real criminal". He clearly hasn't reformed since his previous offences and so prison is exactly where he should be. If she's got any sense she would ditch him. I mean, he's barely even a "partner", just a short-term boyfriend.

The friendship was already ruined when she stood by him.
It's not on you at all

I would argue that he has already bitten you quite severely.

You're absolutely doing the right thing!

This scum has history, and he's repeated it. He deserves everything he gets.

Long term, you are also protecting her. Once he cannot steal from anyone else he will turn on her. He will ask her to borrow money on his behalf, will steal from her and when she says no he will become abusive. Believe me, I've seen it before. She is on a slippery slope. Send her this tread if you can, maybe, if she doesn't want to believe you she might be overwhelmed by all of us reinforcing your message. You can help her, but it won't be fun.

*Perhaps doing a Claire's Law request on the boyfriend will help your friend see the light about his offending and the mess of a situation that she's got herself into.

You can do them on behalf of someone else but you won't get the information. The police will come and chat to your friend once he's safely out of the way and support her*

This is actually a very good idea, and I never knew you could do it on someone's behalf.

Unlike a lot of pp's here I actually think he's done a number on your friend and she is so sucked in by it she can't see the wood for the trees.

I would bet he is taking money from her, and I would also bet it wasn't your friend that stayed in the hotel with him but another woman he's hoodwinked. Most of these men have several on the go, giving them money and maintaining their lifestyle, at the same time.

I'd bet he's not very nice to your friend behind closed doors. That there is a lot of bullying by him. Tantrums. A lot of 'if you don't do what I ask x will happen' and then there'll also be a lot of grand romantic gestures probably paid for by others. You can see it in the way he writes messages to you. He clearly has no respect for women.

I'm glad your partner has reported him. Hopefully he gets recalled to prison and your friend sees him for what he is, my only concern is that she romanticised the situation and waits for him to get out which is why I think Claires Law would be useful to apply for.

For reference I dated someone like this. He lovebombed me (at the time I was very vulnerable), he was bloody vile at times but I couldn't heed the warnings. Eventually he got caught with stolen goods and someone from CID privately told me things that made me see the light of day. Since then this guy has gone to prison for theft, sexual assault, etc.

I felt bloody stupid for a long time, but I'm glad I didn't stay with him.

I wouldn't grass but I would end the friendship, at least until she eventually dumps the guy and apologises for her disloyalty to you and her seriously terrible judgement of character.

Report.

And keep your distance from both of them.

They're not 'grassing'

He's a criminal - he committed a crime. If a random person broke in and stole the wallet would you consider it 'grassing'?

The friend is a fucking idiot. I'd be accepting her offer to come round and talk so I could tell her in no uncertain terms what I thought of her behaviour over this.
I'd be asking her if she was really sure that she wanted to end a long friendship over a 5 minute hook up with a criminal out on license. Stupid bitch.

"Sorry" just does not cut it to excuse such a gross abuse of trust, friendship and your hospitality.

Any keys missing?You may need to change your locks.

Report him. Take her give-away texts to police as evidence.

How many other "friends" wallets/cards/cash has he stolen from their homes for a spending spree. I bet your friend shared and enjoyed whatever he bought with DH's stolen card. She very likely gave him a list.

She doesn't give a shit.

SHE has already chosen  what matters more to her;   NOT you, a lifetime friend since childhood. The cheap tart has hooked  a crook and conman who can steal whatever she wants.

She knows this isn't his first theft . She's shacked up with a no-conscience career thief who will take advantage of ANYBODY ... her oldest friend, herself, her family; abusing their hospitality to see what he can pinch from their home, pocket, handbag. She 's made her bed in the gutter with shit, let her lie in it.

I'd be raging and would absolutely report to the police.

To be honest I think I judge him more for his stupidity than the actual theft. Firstly for using the cards in his home area then for admitting the theft - he could have easily denied it and acted offended and upset and would have been fine. What a moron. If you're going to be a scumbag thief, at least be a good one!

Hopefully he will be recalled to prison for breaching his license if it was for previous thefts. Either way the friendship was over when she chose him over her lifelong friend. Sadly that is her lesson that she will have to learn the hard way from her own poor choices in boyfriends. You will probably find this follows a well oiled script. He will steal from all of her friends one by one in order to isolate her from them, all the while convincing her that they were never true friends if they walked away so easily. Once there are little or no friends left he will start stealing from her family, again convincing her that if they loved her they would never turn their backs on her. Then when there are no friends or family left he will start stealing from her. At this point she will then discover there have been a string of other women behind her back from the start and that everything he told her was a lie. That's the stage she may try to reach out to tell you how sorry she is and how she wished she'd listened to you and how you were right along blah blah blah. Of course for you it will already be too late then because the trust has gone.

Great you made the right decision op. Hopefully your now ex friend can make betters decisions also.

She has chosen him over your friendship so don’t be guilted into not reporting him . He is a thief and arrogant . Loads of people get drunk but most wouldn’t dream of stealing a wallet from someone they have been happily socialising with, and buying ( stealing ) loads of stuff ! Have no qualms…call the police.

I hope your friend comes to her senses it sounds like she's under the spell of this awful person 🥺
Awful behaviour from her 🥺

What is it with certain posters using the word grass to report a crime? A crime has been committed, so it should be reported as the op has done. Honestly some of you sound about 10 years old. As for the poster saying its a civil matter, words fail me. Being stolen from is an awful experience and should not be minimised.

You know he will be trying to protect himself from recall and will have told her what to say. She will try to convince you not to go to the police because you are friends. Forgetting of course that her boyfriend stole from her friend... It's sad but don't let her make excuses for his behaviour and make you feel bad about reporting it because he will without doubt be behind her wanting to talk.

That's the very definition of grassing. What do you think the word means?

No need to throw around the b word either Mr.

I wouldn’t let her come round. You’re alone with a young child and she is angry, and quite likely to bring the Artful Dodger with her.

Your update about him taking the driving licence details to use the credit card more effectively is even more evidence that he knew just what he was doing. You don’t need to hear her excuses today.