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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop these "friends" now I've had DC

120 replies

needingafairygodmother · 31/12/2022 10:07

I'm 28, so not a young mum - but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

I used to be a part of a group of 9 girls from school, and would see them regularly, holiday etc etc.

Over the last year, since I had DC, they have been over once (in the first two months of her life) - and we have travelled 2 hours to a birthday event with her to see them all - which was REALLY stressful.

So, now she's 18 months and they've not seen her since the last time I went to their side, even though I've invited back.

I've sent them bday cards, friendly messages and not received a reciprocal card or message for either my or DCs birthday.

I've left it for months now and not once has any of them initiated a conversation.

I regularly see them posting that they're having dinner together and they've been on holiday together a few times. I have been invited to these holidays in wider group messages but they're all extremely expensive (skiing, Greek islands) and things that didn't really fit in with an exclusively breastfeeding baby!!

Maybe it's NYE that makes me think they'll all once again be at it together, and big life events such as weddings and 30th birthdays are going to be happening in 2023... that I haven't once again heard a thing about.

I can't tell now if I'm being petty and resenting them or if this is the way things go and I should just gracefully bow out?

(To add I'm pregnant again and haven't even told them...)

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/12/2022 10:10

It sounds like they’ve dropped you. Painful if you’d hoped things could continue as before. Your lives are going in different directions for now, they may never want to “settle down”, we all have different dreams.

Have you made new friends at a similar stage to you now?

happygolarry · 31/12/2022 10:11

I completely understand you OP.

I'm 26 and was the first to get married and have kids in my friendship group. They're married now, but don't have kids.

We live in the same city so see each other every now and then, but a lot of the times I see on Instagram that they're out for lunches/dinners and they don't even invite me even though I have good childcare options.

In your case since you live further away it's harder to see each other as often and even if you do it has to work around you since you're the one with kids!

Do they not message you at all? Do you guys ever speak on the phone?

Slobberchops1 · 31/12/2022 10:12

Other peoples baby’s aren’t interesting I’m afraid. They are organising events and meet ups that suit the majority . You can’t expect everyone to go to soft play with you . Just what happens when you are at different stages in life I’m afraid

CoteDivoire · 31/12/2022 10:14

I had a baby at 27 which was before a lot of my friends. We stayed friends, but I only went along to things when DH could have our baby for the day so I wasn't taking her along. I also made a strong effort to join a couple of groups and make friends with some other new mums so I also had a day to day social life.

JenniferBarkley · 31/12/2022 10:20

I think it just happens naturally with babies - my friends and I had our DC within a few years of each other but we don't live near each other and all work FT so we're all just so busy we never see each other.

I think you have two options really - accept the friendship has had its day and move on, or take a gentle step back and wait and see if things improve down the line. Once a few of them start having babies (likely in the next five years even if it doesn't seem so now) you might find things move towards more child friendly activities as the balance shifts.

quinceh · 31/12/2022 10:21

I don’t think you’re being petty - your life’s changed and you have less in common with your friends at the moment. I think it’s a bit thoughtless not to reciprocate birthday greetings or make much effort to visit, but it may not be worth ‘dropping’ friends over, or at least not yet. Give it a bit more of a chance, lower your expectations of them and concentrate on other people whilst not closing the door on your old friends. Congrats on your pregnancy.

BMW6 · 31/12/2022 10:24

Um, I don't think you dropping them is an option OP.

Sorry but you've been dropped. Make new friends and don't bother trying to reconnect with the old ones, you'd be flogging a dead horse.

hartytype · 31/12/2022 10:25

I'm 28, so not a young mum

You actually are a young mum, relatively speaking, certainly in comparison to your friends. They aren't interested in motherhood just yet and are doing activities/planning holidays etc that don't involve children. Let them be. Things will change for them eventually. But I wouldn't be too hard on them as they are just living their lives. Don't cut them off completely, just accept that you all have different priorities just now

FlounderingFruitcake · 31/12/2022 10:25

I don’t know what you’re expecting really. They’re not going to swap dinners and ski trips for playgrounds because you’ve had a baby and are just continuing with the status quo that suits the group. They are also presumably working during the day whilst you’re not free at night as baby needs your boobs to sleep. Weekends I imagine get booked up quickly for all of you and they probably have zero interest in toddler activities which is totally fair enough, my tolerance is limited and I have 2 kids! Sounds like you’ve all already bowed out of the friendship but if that’s something you want to change, you could make the effort to go to the next dinner meet up.

EddietheEagle · 31/12/2022 10:25

Agree with others, you can't drop them as you've already been dropped.

Time to make new friends with the same thing in common as you. Join baby groups and the like.

Original poster
needingafairygodmother · 31/12/2022 10:28

Thanks everyone - feel like I maybe needed a bit of brutal honesty! I guess reading that back it does look like they've moved on from me rather than the other way around...

I feel like I never expect them to do baby stuff, particularly now she's older and I can leave her with DH and join them for more adult activities again.

I guess maybe I'm trying to cling on to something that's changed.

Luckily I do have some lovely friends that I've made since having DC. They're not super close but I do have company, family close by and I think I'm quite a friendly person who could make some new friends and stop wasting time on these existing ones!

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 31/12/2022 10:30

I think it sounds like you've just grown out of them. Many friends we have are really just circumstantial, and once we have major life events, such as babies, new jobs etc, we find that we move away from a group of friends in the process. We had an amazing group of friends before children, but once babies came along everything changed. We went from doing everything together to an annual Christmas card.

Emmamoo89 · 31/12/2022 10:31

Find some new friends. Don't bother with these ones anymore. Go to baby groups x

Fleabea · 31/12/2022 10:31

Sorry you feel this way OP. It sounds like you are just in a different stage of life to them for now.

If you did want to try and reconnect, could you suggest meeting up for dinner with them without your dc? Could be nice for you to have some non-mummy time too.

gogohmm · 31/12/2022 10:33

They are including you as in inviting you but your life has moved on so you can't take part. They are simply living the life you used to live. They shouldn't have to change for you, I'm guessing you need to disengage

HallieBo · 31/12/2022 10:34

They've been over once, you've been over once. They've invited you on holidays that you've declined. You are pregnant and haven't told them.

It sounds like your backing off has naturally caused a divide. Things do change when you have a baby, especially when you decline everything they ask....they do come to a point where they don't ask because they know you'll say no.

Not really sure what it is that you want from them to be honest! It's on you to integrate yourself back into the loop should you want to.

DustyOwl · 31/12/2022 10:35

This is horrible and they don’t seem like they were very good friends to start with. It’s not just the invites out is it? I can totally understand them not wanting to change their plans. It’s the non contact over birthdays and important events. It doesn’t take much for a call or a message every now and again.
We were the first to have kids in a predominantly male group of friends. We didn’t lose contact with any of them, they still messaged and called and it was way back in the midst of time, before WhatsApp groups, which does help people stay in touch.
I’m sorry this has happened but I think they have shown their true colours. I agree with others, go and join some baby groups. Also take up a hobby without the baby and make some new, non-baby friends, who share a common interest. Not all people only want to be friends with people who gave birth at the same time.
Good luck.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 31/12/2022 10:36

…but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

This seems a tad superior in attitude. Maybe they’re picking up on this and that’s added to the division?

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 10:37

Are you sure that they're not aware that you think you're "leaps and bounds ahead of my friends": that's rather arrogant

MelchiorsMistress · 31/12/2022 10:37

If you had to travel to visit them, does that mean you’ve moved away from them too? More distance as well as a baby is bound to have an impact on your friendship dynamics, especially as it’s a fairly big group of 9.

I wouldn’t automatically drop them or assume they’ve dropped you, your just at very different points in your lives. It’s normal for lifelong friendships to change and have times when you don’t see each other as much. With you being the only one with a baby, it puts the pressure on you to be the one to fit in with the majority if you want to stay friends.

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 10:37

Crosspost with @YellowAndGreenToBeSeen

Straycatblue · 31/12/2022 10:37

It sounds like you've also moved 2 hours away as well (not sure if that's what your post meant)
So if so, it's a double whammy , you've had a life changing event = new baby & also moved away

Whenever people move away unfortunately the onus is always on them to do the visiting (just the way it is)

You dont have to do anything dramatic or huge (not suggesting you were going to) you can grieve & move on but don't cut them off cos it doesn't sound like they've done anything wrong , you may find in the future you reconnect as you all get older , even if it's just catch ups every few years

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/12/2022 10:40

They've already dropped you so don't waste time running after them, but don't burn bridges either. In another 5 years most of them will be in a very different place from where they are now, and you may reconnect with some of them.

In the meanwhile your primary friends need to be the ones who live near you and can be seen often, so use your energy to build those friendships.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 31/12/2022 10:40

I wouldn't be too hasty in letting go of these friendships. Having a baby and toddler can be so all consuming that you forget that in ten years time you'll have a much more independent child and alot more free time to fill. Sometimes the new mum friends you make are so based around having kids the same age that when the adult and kids social lives begin to separate you find the adults don't have that much in common. You might then start to miss friends you made pre-kids.

That doesn't mean you have to go on expensive skiing holidays but if you have fun together maybe make the effort to go to the odd dinner, leaving the toddler with your other half.

FlounderingFruitcake · 31/12/2022 10:41

now she's older and I can leave her with DH and join them for more adult activities again
If this is something you actually want to do then just message them and say you would love to do dinner soon and ask when are they are free. But equally if you’ve moved on then that’s also fine.

I don’t think they’ve purposefully ditched you either. They are just not willing to change their social gatherings to suit 1 person, which is totally fair enough. It’s a fair weather friendship group focused on going out and having fun by the sounds of! From their perspective you’re invited (even skiing) but never come.

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