To drop these "friends" now I've had DC

[needingafairygodmother]

I'm 28, so not a young mum - but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

I used to be a part of a group of 9 girls from school, and would see them regularly, holiday etc etc.

Over the last year, since I had DC, they have been over once (in the first two months of her life) - and we have travelled 2 hours to a birthday event with her to see them all - which was REALLY stressful.

So, now she's 18 months and they've not seen her since the last time I went to their side, even though I've invited back.

I've sent them bday cards, friendly messages and not received a reciprocal card or message for either my or DCs birthday.

I've left it for months now and not once has any of them initiated a conversation.

I regularly see them posting that they're having dinner together and they've been on holiday together a few times. I have been invited to these holidays in wider group messages but they're all extremely expensive (skiing, Greek islands) and things that didn't really fit in with an exclusively breastfeeding baby!!

Maybe it's NYE that makes me think they'll all once again be at it together, and big life events such as weddings and 30th birthdays are going to be happening in 2023... that I haven't once again heard a thing about.

I can't tell now if I'm being petty and resenting them or if this is the way things go and I should just gracefully bow out?

(To add I'm pregnant again and haven't even told them...)

Oh OP I’m in exactly the same boat. I have a 12 month old and they’ve seen him once, not sent a birthday card or anything when he turned 1 and didn’t show up to his birthday party even when invited. I’m really scared of having no mates but I do have an amazing family who have been there throughout. I’d say ditch them, that’s my plan anyway.

The old saying “ a reason, a season, a lifetime “ belongs to many friendship groups.
it’s a shame op ☹️

I have had a few friendships slide when they have had a baby (I don’t have children). I guess they thought they were leaps and bounds ahead of me.

That line jumped out at me too. OP you are not “ahead” of people who haven’t had kids - you are on different paths.

As much as we love to be sentimental about "true friendship" in the real world compatibility is going to be a massive factor as to whether friendships work out. Having kids changes your life in a way that can be very restrictive, they don't need to restrict their lives and are carrying on as normal. It's no one's fault, you just have different lives right now.

Certainly in my world, 28 is very young to be 'settled down'. Most people your age are not looking for this lifestyle and this is evidenced in the fact that your friends' lives still revolve around holidays, social activities, etc - as they should. They're in their twenties. You have chosen a very different path and that's absolutely fine - but you do have to understand that this is quite unusual these days and so an element of distancing will naturally happen as you and your friends' priorities are now polar opposites.

I will also say that your attitude is a little patronising. I have been on the receiving end of patronising friends who have married and had children and also had the attitude that they were now 'leaps and bounds ahead of me' in terms of maturity and understanding the really important things in life. These were people I very quickly distanced myself from after they disappeared into marriage and motherhood and thought this made them superior to me. It's not pleasant to constantly be told your life has no value, you don't understand what it's REALLY like to experience x, y, z etc until you've got married/had kids/blah blah. It's also not pleasant to have to work your social life around someone else's decision to bring a baby with them everywhere.

I have wonderful relationships with many friends who are now mothers, and adore seeing them and their children. These women are the ones who didn't combine becoming mothers with looking down on their friends who aren't, or demanding that everyone else's lives now revolve around them and their child.

If you want to hold onto friendships with people not in the exact same boat as you, you need to appreciate that understanding and compromise need to go both ways.

I would just re-evaluate the friendship. It doesn't sound like these are the type of friends you could call anytime of the day or night if you needed them. It might be they're just a group of people to have fun nights out with. It can be disapointing if you thought the friendship was less superficial than it turned out to be but a fun group of mates is worth having too sometimes. It can be difficult to make friends as you get older so I wouldn't be too quick to discard them. I'd make an effort to join in on nights out that sound fun (but obviously don't bankrupt yourself to go skiing).

I have learnt over the years to accept the ebb and flow of friendships. You don't have much in common with your old friends at the moment, but might find that things rekindle when they have children, or indeed when yours are a bit older and you're freer to do these things again. It's how life evolves.

So you think you are not a young mum.!!!you are these days and its insulting to many people including your friends and unintentionally childless people to say you are ahead in leaps and bounds.Why? You have a baby and are expecting another? And??Are we still all competing in 2023..nearly? What else have you done? Can you talk about anything else other than weddings or babies? Have you helped anyone not biologically related to you? What have you achieved? Did you ever consider fostering a child instead of overburdening the planet?Thats still mothering.I submit you have become a bit obsessed with motherhood and yout friends are not. Not that clubbing and drinking are that fantastic.Imho.You need to get over yourself
There must be other mummies out there
No doubt youll find them but life isnt a race for milestones to feel superior about.

You just have to recognise that your lives are very different now that you have had a child and are clearly no longer compatible. They are inviting you but you do not want to attend.

It is difficult when a close friend/s have a baby as their life changes and to keep that friendship can be hard work.

I’m not sure why you think your young, single friends would be interested in spending time with a baby or why they’d organise events around you rather than the majority. It was your choice to have the baby, not theirs; you are their friend, not the baby. I love my friends dearly but have no interest in their kids, nor would I expect them to take an interest in mine when it arrives next year.

Sounds like it’s time to get some friends you don’t consider to be leaps and bounds ahead of

@ArabellaDrummond you didn’t really expect friends without babies to come to a first birthday party did you? It is crazy to be upset that someone didn’t come to that!!

I was completely dropped from my friendship group when I was the first to have kids. It was brutal. I really needed friends and they vanished, but I would see the photos of their meals out/weekends away/parties that I'd not been invited to. Since they've now all had kids, one of them contacted me to apologise, but I don't see any of them anymore.

I remember being really hurt at the time, but now I think I'm better off. Don't underestimate the value of new mum friends, who have children the same age as your children and are at the same stage as you. 15 years on and my new mum friends are like family.

I'm in a similar position and intend to leave a lot of people in 2022.

@Edinburghmusing sorry, drip feeding! No I didn’t however, there was a lot leading up to it. Not being invited anywhere since having a baby, then when I kicked off about this and was finally invited somewhere it was the day before my sons birthday party so I said ‘so sorry can’t make it as DS birthday party is the next day and I’m doing party bags etc for it (no help, just me preparing)’ they then said ‘well thanks for the invite to that’ so I told them where it was with a time and they never showed up. Then there was no birthday card on his actual birthday - surely friends should acknowledge that? Or maybe I’m wrong.

You're not "ahead of them"...? You've just made different life choices. I hate these comparisons between women's lives and choices and who is ahead of who. If they decide never to have kids and have very successful careers instead, would you still consider yourself ahead?

Agree with most replies so far.

You sound quite up yourself and I can understand why they're not moving mountains to be around you.

Frankly I wouldn't want two kids in my 20s. Most wouldn't. You effectively think you're somehow a 'high achiever' because you stopped taking birth control, when it boils down to it.

They have been polite enough to send you invitations to things but I imagine they're not going over and above effort wise as you'd likely spend the meet-up telling them that their lives are so unfulfilled or insisting that they hold the baby (though they have no desire to) as they must be desperate to etc.

Yeah, if they’ve done thing like stopped sending you birthday cards when they previously would have, it’s probably time to ditch them. Seems like they’ve already ditched you though I’m afraid! Yes other people’s babies are boring, but if they’re not replying to messages etc, that’s just rude. Real friends still keep in touch, eve if their friend isn’t as fun anymore after having a baby. I’d put your efforts into others who care more about maintaining a friendship if I were you.

To be fair it would be absolutely normal to come to this kind of thing if you were a close friend. In the same way I'd go to a close friend's engagement or graduation party. It's just a life milestone (for the parents -obviously the baby doesn't give a toss) that I would make the effort to attend if the friendship was important to me, even if the event itself was a little dull. In any case most one year old birthday parties are really just adult social events with a few babies in tow. Apart from singing happy birthday to a bemused looking baby the kid never actually features that prominently in the parties I've been to.

If it was just a casual friendship then no I wouldn't expect them to come unless they lived nearby and happened to be free.

The friends sound like they are carrying on in the same way, on the same basis that they always have. OP has changed, and finds her life no longer fits in with the activities her friends want to do. They've invited her to things and she's not come, so they have given up. From their perspective they may think OP has already dropped them.

If they are long time good friends I wouldn't be dropping them, but looking for ways to meet up that don't involve babies ... surely baby can be left at 18 months old and you can go out for dinner/drinks/coffee with some or all of the friends? OP already has "mum" friends, so she doesn't need to be talking baby to these particular ones. Why not message to say that you are a bit less frazzled now your child is older and would really like to meet up?

I dropped out of touch with some longstanding friends when my DC were small. The ones that were worthwhile were still there when I felt ready to pick up the friendship.

@AD1996 oh okay. So thst does sound more complex.

re birthday card for your son? Honestly even from a good friend I think that would be nice sure but not at all to be expected.

and I would also probably roll my eyes if you said you couldn’t come out beczue you had to make party bags (and even seem to be suggesting they should be helping that??)

they may well have been really awful.

but it does also sound thst your expectations are way too over the top and you might be being hurt about things that you really don’t need to be.

the thing is that babies are very boring unless they’re yours - in which case they are all encompassing

Surely it's a bit rich for posters to whinge about 'leaps and bounds' and then essentially criticise young parents (they're too busy having fun, 'as they should')? We know most people don't have children in their 20s - why are you aggrieved? Such an odd thing to latch onto. Can only assume there are personal reasons behind it...

OP is 'ahead' in the sense that she is the first one (assuming that a number of the friends will also want children at some point).

That aside, it's shit. But I can see their perspective too. True, your family isn't that interesting to the at this stage in their life, it's going to be dead boring to them. I would find new friends and maybe rekindle later. It's a shame but it's not compatible at this time and they're not prepared to do family friendly things

It's a bit entitled to expect your friends to accommodate YOUR life choice. If you can't join in the activities they're doing because you're breastfeeding a baby, that's really on you. You also sound really condescending re being 'leaps and bounds ahead of them' - you think they don't sense that attitude? There's no obligation for anyone to settle down at any age. Not everyone follows the Life Script like you. You're not better than them because you've settled down. Your life isn't more meaningful than theirs.

I have never met a mum of young kids who hasn't become incredibly dull and self absorbed, so chances are this is you and you're a bit oblivious to it. Most people aren't interested in other people's babies and endless stories about what they did. It's boring.

I always remember my friend falling out with her other friend because she didn’t bother to send her child a birthday card.

To her that showed she didn’t care and a small gesture would have gone a long way.

What’s ironic though is this friend had never sent my child a birthday card either.

I was the first to have a child out of my friendship group and it was very difficult for me to watch them going on holiday, out partying and dating, whilst I was stuck at home changing nappies, rarely getting a shower and feeling like shit - but that wasn’t their fault.

My other friend who never wants children asked me outright do I want to still be invited out or not and for me to reach out whenever I want to.
And I think it’s good to have those conversations.

I rarely see her though because during the week we’re both busy and then on the weekends she’s going out or going on trips abroad etc so it’s makes it difficult but we still text and we’re still friends.

Its very difficult to understand what it’s like to have a child if you don’t actually have one yourself and so they may not be intentionally trying to upset you.